Two years ago my father shot himself in the chest, but he didn't die right then. His neighbor found him and called an ambulance. When I got the call he was on his way to the hospital and I rushed there. By the time I got there he had lost so much blood that he was already cold and needed machines to breath for him because his blood pressure wasn't enough to sustain. The doctors were telling us that the best thing to do would be to pull the plug when my sisters left the room. About five minutes later I was in the hospital room alone with him trying to make a decision when he just died right in front of me. I had not seen or spoken to my father in over a year before this happened and I don't know if he heard my apology for being that way. Two and a half years later and I still see him die in front of me every day and it doesn't get better. How do I make this stop? I've tried to talk to my wife, but she seems to only care when she's not mad at me about something, and even then she's of little help. I don't know what to do.

Is your wife a professional therapist? If not, this is a bit much for her to understand unless the same thing happened to her. I can understand this being very hard. I lost my father almost 10 years ago, not to the same thing but he did die right in front of me. It's something that you will NEVER "get over". I still sometimes don't even realize he's gone, I just want to pick up the phone and call... But I can't. You should really talk a doctor about your feelings and how to best cope with them. Expecting your wife to comprehend and relate to these feelings could be overwhelming her as well. Talking to someone that has experience in this area could really benefit your day-to-day life, your views on life and death, and getting back to forgiving yourself and remembering your father as the man he was instead of how he passed.

I have been where you are and I know that nothing can take the pain away, and that there are no comforting words.

You will never get over it. It will always be with you and sometimes you may relive the bad, but just as you will relive the bad, you will also relive some of the good and if you deliberately try to focus on that, the bad gets far and fewer between.

I know it sounds far-fetched to imagine not thinking about it so much, now, but give it time. It's only been 2 years.

Something I did with each relative I lost was to sit down and write out something to say to each one, in my own words.

If you can't bury it with him, sit down where he is (even if he's in a box or urn), find some quiet time and tell him what's on your mind. Tell him the things you so wanted to say or said while he was passing. Get it out.

If you feel it's your fault, and you had a bad relationship with him, it may have been part of it, but it is never the entire reason. There are many things that drive people to suicide. It is never truly just one thing.

Someone who has not lost someone, therapist or not, can not possibly understand what you're going through. Nobody can, but there are ways to alleviate some of the reoccurring bad memories, and one thing I do is when I start to remember the bad, I deliberately see something positive instead.

One Thanksgiving, my elderly father baked a turkey and called me to dinner and when I arrive, its legs and wings had burned off and it had turned into a pile of sawdust. So, when I see his eyes open, when he passed away and I remember it, I look at that turkey instead. It's a bitter-sweet way to get by it, but it helps a lot to stay positive.

It's hard, when you feel so sad. I feel for you.

The best advice I have is to keep going forward. Encourage yourself to get a grief counseling group locally, if there is one, and to talk to others like you who are going through this.

I just wanted to add that even if she seems not to care, it doesn't mean she doesn't care.

Just because someone can't react on the same level you do, does not mean that they don't care. She may have her own issues she is dealing with, for instance... seeing you sad. It does effect those we live with. :)

Good luck and I truly hope this helped.

I was widowed and I held my husband's hand as he left me. I believe that he heard my voice and my words until the final second of his life. I have posted this before but he was in a coma for while, totally unresponsive. I walked into his room one morning, he opened his eyes, his lips formed my name and he held up five fingers. I called for the Nurse who came running - it was our fifth wedding anniversary and as they were washing him that AM, believing he was in a coma, they told him about our anniversary and very obviously he heard them. He suffered a stroke that night and I don't know what he knew after that but I always talked to him as I always had.

As it happened I followed his wishes and removed him from life support but I spent the entire final day with him, talking about our experiences, where we had, what we had done, telling him how much I loved him, asking permission to move on with my life, saying I would always love him, always miss him - and telling him it was all right to go because I would be all right. I believe he heard me.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and no two people grieve in the same way. For me the first seven month anniversaries of his death were painful. On the eighth I pounded on the shower walls and screamed until my throat was raw.

You need to find some way to come to terms and/or heal yourself - maybe you need to find forgiveness for the estrangement. Is there anyone other than your wife that you can talk to? I found a wonderful circle of friends (and, believe it or not, many of them post on AMHD - Alty - and I don't know if you've "met" her - held my hand so many nights, I typed, she responded) who simply listened. Maybe they understood. Maybe they didn't. I did get through it.

The fact is that your life will never be the same - it might be better, it might be worse. It will never be the same.

You have to find peace - only you know what will work for you.

Does this help at all?

My father died ten years ago this December. I was at work, thirty-five miles away when I got the call. I rushed to the hospital, praying for at least a minute with him. But he had died quickly.

Even though I feel that he knew that I loved him, there were things to which I did, or didn't do, for and with him. I look back in shame at how I wasted so many years of my life by not letting anyone close to my heart. He saw me marry a great girl, and buy a great house and land. He was my best man. He was the biggest influence in my life. And if I become at least HALF of the man that he was, I'm OK with that.

I think of him daily. It warms my heart to see my own two sons do the things that HE taught ME.

I think that professional counseling would help you with the pain. I would start it off by sitting down and writing your father a letter. Share it with no one if you wish. Bury it at his final resting place. Or burn it.

Don't just do NOTHING with these feelings in your heart.

God bless.

I am a firm believer that those who are in comas or very near death can still hear everything that is said. I was able to hold both of my parents hands until their last breath and I talked to them while doing so. I know they heard me during that time as their grip would tighten a little, their breathing pattern would change slightly and I even saw my moms lip curl up in to almost a smile.

Your father heard your apology, he accepted it and is at peace now. You are lucky you were able to be with your father at that time, he knows you loved him and he loved you.

Definitely jmjoseph made a great suggestion about writing a letter to your father. Get your feelings down on paper, don't keep them bottled up inside.

You don't get over it. You learn to bear the pain and then it lessens. There is no such thing as closure. You have memories that will always be with you.

I promise you this.. it will get better and finally you will have many days when you are happy and some days when the pain is fresh.

Then you wake up and realize that person is gone and although you still miss him you feel better and you can think of him without crying.