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    iamsadguy's Avatar
    iamsadguy Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 13, 2010, 03:25 PM
    Do I deserve an explanation from my ex for breaking up with me without warning?
    I had been with a girl for almost 2 years until about a week ago. Our relationship was not perfect and we both had our part in making it that way. I don't mean that there was any cheating or lying because I am pretty sure that we were honest with one another for the most part but we both had problems with insecurities occasionally.

    I want to be as non-bias as possible so that I can actually get some useful feedback instead of just what I "want" to hear. Towards the end of our relationship we would get in arguments over small things and it would end up a heated argument. I personally think that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me but was somehow not even admitting it to herself. If I wanted to go anywhere without her then she would ask all sorts of questions about who was going to be there and so on and when she did anything without me then I would do the same. It became routine in our relationship as if we didn't trust each other when we both knew deep down that we were faithful. Maybe we were just scared because of past experiences.

    Anyway, things started to become unfair. She would make plans to do something and if I asked the very same questions that she always asked me then I would be demonized and be labeled as "controlling" or "manipulative". It was to the point that I didn't even say much anymore when she was doing things without me and avoiding going anywhere myself because she would still interrogate me. In the last few months she started drawing conclusions from very far-fetched things and as far as she was concerned she was correct and I was guilty no matter how ridiculous the claim. We started our relationship wrong.

    Both of us questioned one another when we had no reason to not trust. What bothers me is the fact that eventually it became normal for her to be this way but wrong for me to even attempt to be the same. Finally, last Sunday I went on a rafting trip with her and her family. We had a really good time and things seemed really good in my opinion. It was the last time I saw her. The next night she and her sister went to play pool and have some drinks. I talked to her and told her to be careful and not drink too much because she had done this previously on her birthday when she thought that she could handle much more and ended up in a parking lot for 4 hours sick. She also said that they were meeting up with her sister's friend (a guy I have never met). Let me point out that if I were in the same scenario we would already have a problem... no doubt about it. I said nothing negative and told her I'd call her later when I was on break. When I called her a couple hours later she told me that the place closed in an hour and then they were going home. I talked to her an hour later after break and she said that the place was closing and then they were going to another bar. I said to her in a normal tone "I thought you guys were going home when they closed" and she became angry.

    Everything I said after this was taken completely wrong. She was making it seem that I had a problem when I was simply trying to figure out what she was doing for the rest of the night. We started fighting and I was worried that she had already drank too much and tried reminding her of the time before and she got even angrier. She hung up on me and sent me a text saying that she wasn't going to allow me to do this to her anymore and that was the last thing I heard from her.

    The next day I tried calling and she had changed her number and deleted any social networking sites we may have talked on. After 2 years she was so mad at me for kind of doing something that she was the master at doing all the time. I think she owed me at least an e-mail. She always talked as if she adored me and spoke of marriage within a couple of weeks of the break-up. She started, towards the end, to do something very odd when we fought. In the heat of the argument she would say things that were EXACTLY the thing that I should have been saying to her in whatever the situation was. Is this projection? I have tried looking into some of this stuff. I am just heartbroken and she has not shown any trace of feeling or anything to me. We were a good couple and suddenly after a great last day we are nothing and nobody owes anybody anything.

    Since then I have sent e-mails trying my hardest to let her know that I want to at least be friends and how we have no real reason to hate one another but she doesn't reply. The only thing that I have heard was from her sister and apparently she has gotten a very one-sided story. I really think that she is telling herself that I am wrong and she is right so that she feels like the victim but what is the point? We should be able to move on and respect that we tried. Any thoughts?
    Just_Another_Lemming's Avatar
    Just_Another_Lemming Posts: 437, Reputation: 211
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    #2

    Aug 13, 2010, 04:12 PM

    Sadguy, sorry you are so miserable. Trying to reason with someone who is drunk and unwilling to listen is always a losing proposition.

    I know you want an explanation, a talk, closure,. but you have to accept that it isn't going to happen right now since she is unwilling to speak with you. The best thing you can do at the moment is to stop attempting to contact her. Leave her alone. She might surprise you and contact you when she realizes that you are no longer trying to force her to speak with you or, she won't call you because for her, this was a long time coming and she was looking for a reason to end the relationship. Either way, you need to refocus your attention onto your life, your friends, family, job, hobbies. Start moving forward by doing the things that bring you some joy.
    iamsadguy's Avatar
    iamsadguy Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Aug 13, 2010, 04:20 PM

    Thanks for the reply. The thing is I am not trying to get her back. I am simply trying to not be on bad terms. I want to move on as well but this just makes me angry. I think we could be more mature about it. Instead she feels she needs to change her number like I am a stalker or something. I am not contacting her anymore but all I wanted was a "we tried" and remain friends and appreciate the time we spent. Instead its as if we hated the past 2 years and that simply is not true. Thanks for the feedback.
    Just_Another_Lemming's Avatar
    Just_Another_Lemming Posts: 437, Reputation: 211
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    #4

    Aug 13, 2010, 04:34 PM

    Sorry, I really wasn't suggesting that you were trying to get her back. I did get that you are angry over her inability to speak with you and to treat you as if you are nothing. Changing numbers, erasing the web stuff, completely shutting you out is rather immature in my opinion. But, she has done it.

    I know this isn't easy because you were in a committed relationship with her for two years. The "trying to not be on bad terms" is something that is going to have to wait until she is ready to have a conversation with you and clear the air. She obviously isn't ready. Is it a maturity issue with her? I don't know. But, it definitely sounds like she isn't at a point where she wants to have the "we tried" talk. So, all I was saying is, start looking for positive things to spend your time on so you can start to heal and move forward. Hanging onto the anger isn't healthy. I know it is easier said than done but you need to make an attempt to let it go and to find the joy in your life. For now, spend time with your good friends and do the things that have always given you pleasure. I promise, if you do this, every day that passes will become easier for you. Eventually you may even find that you don't want to have that closure conversation with her. :)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Aug 13, 2010, 06:00 PM

    At the end of the day, break it off and move on, guess in your own opinion since anything said at this point will either be hate filled lies or lies to make one or the other feel better.

    There is no "deserve" an answer, since we don't, we enter a relationship empty, and take only what we exchanged during that. If and when it ends, often walking away without is better than the bitter words that can end up with a break up
    lifeistough75's Avatar
    lifeistough75 Posts: 56, Reputation: 29
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    #6

    Aug 13, 2010, 09:37 PM

    Do you deserve one? For sure! Will you get one? Probably not. I am sorry to hear about your situation, it is a tough one. But remember that in many cases the true answers are not forth coming, and the dumpee is left in the dark. At some point, you will not care anyway.
    soccergirlfl's Avatar
    soccergirlfl Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Aug 13, 2010, 09:41 PM

    After two years no matter what happened you do deserve an explanation. But you need to give her time to gather her thoughts.
    iamsadguy's Avatar
    iamsadguy Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Aug 14, 2010, 01:08 AM
    Wow. This is truly a great site. I posted just earlier this evening and already so many replies from people who actually care enough to try and help. Usually people hide behind aliases on the web and make fun of other people's suffering. I could see how this site may truly help individuals who are in much-worse situations than mine. Anyway, tonight I checked my mail and there was a reply that made me feel much better. We both knew that things weren't exactly working out wonderfully even though we both sincerely loved each other. I am the type to go on and on this way and she is obviously the type to have enough balls to end it. I still think there were some things that could have done to make it a little easier on me but for the most part it was just the element of surprise that got me. Her message said that she loved me and that we could talk about it in the future when it is easier. That is all that I needed to be all right. Now I know that our time was special to both of us. Now it will be easier to move on. Thanks for the comments everybody.
    martinizing2's Avatar
    martinizing2 Posts: 1,868, Reputation: 819
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    #9

    Aug 14, 2010, 01:28 AM

    Even though you deserve an explanation , if you got one it has a good chance of being something or several things you don't understand.

    If she is right , and you are wrong as she sees it.
    And she is "most" wrong with you a close second as you see it.
    How close are these perspectives going to match in relation to each other?

    I understand that an explanation can be some sort of closure (or a last desperate chance to win her back).
    But can also be the source of new questions, confusion, more heartache and a way to keep fanning that dying flame.

    It is hard to admit it is over. It will not get easier to do in the future.

    Nor will it be fast or without pain. But the sooner you start to work on healing yourself , the sooner the pain will begin to diminish.

    I wish you well
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #10

    Aug 14, 2010, 02:43 AM

    Wow, this really seemed like a toxic relationship!

    Relationships should never be a tug-of-war, but rather a simple understanding that we all need girl/guy time without questions asked.

    Personally, I think you two need to go No Contact. No phone calls, emails, etc. Strict NO CONTACT.

    You both need to decompress from this war zone you called a relationship. You will go through withdrawals from each other, but that's part of growing stronger as an individual.

    In answer to your question... Do you deserve an explanation? Sure, I guess so, but what is that going to solve? Nothing.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #11

    Aug 14, 2010, 08:48 AM

    "Deserves got nothing to do with it" - Clint Eastwood to Gene Hackman, before he blew him away in The Unforgiven.

    Your quite lucky fellow, but to be honest, the reason you got dumped was so obvious, there was no need for further explanations. Matter of fact, instead of an explanation, you should have dropped to your knees, and thanked your GOD for being delivered from this drunken dilly bar.
    wonderlife's Avatar
    wonderlife Posts: 56, Reputation: 53
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    #12

    Aug 16, 2010, 07:12 AM

    After reading your post, I think this is far from a healthy caring and happy relationship, isn't it? You have to spend lot of energy arguing with her about almost everything. You don't get why she did what she did and she seems to get mad with you a lot for some reasons you never really understand and now she just disappeared and ignore you...

    Well... I doubt that this is a real breakup on her part as she seems to be a very emotional person. She may contact back or add you back on social network again when she feels less angry on you.

    But whether she back or not, the point that you really have to ask yourself is that: Is this going to work out long term between you and her? Is this relationship make you happy: the good still outweigh the bad? Can you see you and her understand more and care for each other more in the future? I think these are all the questions you should consider carefully.

    Regarding your question, I think people have different ways and different actions when they want to leave a relationship. This based a lot on many factors such as their personality, their habits, their feelings during that period. I always respect those who do it openly and honestly by having direct and gentle communication. Anyway, some people seem to perfer just getting vanish in the air or just do it roughly.

    Yes, you deserve to know what is going on but I am not sure that it will help you feel any better. She might not even know exactly or she might say something that is not even the real one or she might say something that true but really hurt your feelings.

    I suggest that you should consider whether this is really the relationship you want to be in... this is even more imporant than getting explanation from her, in my opinion.
    jakester's Avatar
    jakester Posts: 582, Reputation: 165
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    #13

    Aug 16, 2010, 08:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    "Deserves got nothing to do with it" - Clint Eastwood to Gene Hackman, before he blew him away in The Unforgiven.

    Your quite lucky fellow, but to be honest, the reason you got dumped was so obvious, there was no need for further explanations. Matter of fact, instead of an explanation, you should have dropped to your knees, and thanked your GOD for being delivered from this drunken dilly bar.
    Iamsad - I have to wholeheartedly agree with talaniman's advice if you can dig it. Not to put words into Tal's mouth but I think the advice you got is that you should be grateful that you didn't get an explanation from your girlfriend as to why she broke up with you. If that is confusing to you, let me explain.

    You were clearly the one being manipulated in that relationship. The fact that you were asking her simple questions about where she was and who she was with would not seem out of the ordinary to anyone who was rational and doing the right thing. It's usually people with a guilty conscience who react the way your girlfriend did. I'm not saying she cheated on you but she knew that the way she was treating you was wrong but if she were somehow able to deflect that guilt towards you and make you the offender, then she is off the hook in her mind and she walks away convinced you were the one who was wrong.

    All of the things you talked about that were going on between you are reminiscent of bad relationships I have heard about from friends or have experienced myself. The hypocritical treatment: you can't do that but I can do that and be justified type stuff is all too familiar.

    And the person who claims the other is controlling when she is out of control is someone being selfish and unwilling to look at herself. And in the end, you became the fall guy for the relationship and are left in the wake of her complete self-centeredness... the fact that she didn't even have the human decency to tell you she wanted to go her own way just proves how selfish and controlling she was... she controlled the way the relationship ended without your input.

    Let me just say that I really feel badly for you, my friend. I know how painful a breakup can be and I genuinely grieve for you. In reality, you'll probably never get the closure you really want and deserve as a person and that is often most painful about a breakup. It will take time for these wounds to heal. You will definitely need the support of friends and family as you look to move forward and you should wisely do so.
    vanheart's Avatar
    vanheart Posts: 2,806, Reputation: 708
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    #14

    Aug 17, 2010, 12:01 AM

    Sometimes people just want to end it. For lots of reasons, their own.

    Would it feel better if she slapped you in the face & said I hate you? Or sat you down and told you sweetly?

    Either way, that's what she wants. You don't. Drunk or not.

    That's how its goes sometimes.

    "Do I deserve an explanation", yeah I would.

    Are going to get one? Fantastic question. Sorry, can't answer that.

    Mine was: " I wanna be single"

    Does it matter? Well... That's up to you.

    Closure. NC will get you that. Realization that's its done.
    ethanethen's Avatar
    ethanethen Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Sep 22, 2010, 12:29 AM
    I'd agree with the advice that she did you a favor by just leaving. Having had a similar experience and knowing a bit about why people act the way they do. I'd put money down that she was having her eye on someone else and it started the ball rolling for the arguments and selfishness. Most people, guys and girls, don't just drop someone for no reason and usually somewhere in that reason rears the head of another person. You say you both were honest in the cheating department but hey most people work on a don't ask don't tell. In any sense be happy you didn't end up with someone who would treat you so poorly.

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