My husband had an affair with a co-worker - and they ended it. However the woman insists on still being his friend - texting him, calling him up etc.
I have confronted her and said it is inappropriate for her to be in contact with him - but she has said that she wants to be his friend and will continue to do so.

When I initially found out about the affair - the woman told me that as far as she was concerned the marriage was over and that my husband was hers. I had no idea at this stage that there was a problem with my marriage.

My husband communicates with her too - even though I have asked him to stop. I said that there will always be an underlying sexual tension between them and that there is no need for him to have such a 'friend'. He says that he has hardly any friends and likes being able to chat with her about innocuous subjects and that I should trust him that nothing is going on.

The women still wants the affair, it is not proper for her to call him or text him,

If you have asked him to stop communicating, odds are in my opinion and guess more is going on also.

And he lost all rights to trust when he had an affair, tell him no talking with her or pack his bags and get out.

His being "friends' with his ex-mistress is not a good thing. I agree that there should be no contact between the two of them whatsoever. You may need to give him an ultimatum to this effect.

First you need to ask yourself whether you trust on your husband or not.If you trust him and believe that he is loyal to you then there is no one who can come between you whether she is his friend or not.

No. No. No.

There is no "just friends" after an affair.

He lied to you about her once. He either ceases contact with her now to PROVE that he honors you above her and finds some OTHER (hopefully male!) friends, or you should tell him to get lost.

He lost all rights to you trusting him about "innocuous topics" when he cheated on you.

I can't believe you're still with your husband after he had an affair. Sure you can be friends... if you weren't married!

I had an affair with a married man. We remained friends after.

Let me tell you, it can be done.

In our case, it was a huge mistake and we both accept full responsibility for our actions. We know they were wrong (the only explanation I can offer was a combination of tremendous suitability/compatability, attraction, and not knowing what an emotional affair was before we got caught up and overwhelmed by feelings).

So we made our mistake and then we both acknowledged that an affair was not what we wanted for the other and what was right was what our original intention was--just friends.

I'm not lying in wait, he's not lying in wait, we are being honorable in our actions. Anything we say or do we do with the belief that if it can't be said/done as if his wife were present, then it's inappropriate.

My point is, we are being honorable in our behavior (now). People can and do make mistakes and learn from them.

While I understand why you don't want his contact with her, and I think her not giving you what you asked (no contact) is unacceptable, I understand what your husband is saying--trust him.

If this hadn't happened, would you have trusted him? I'm sure the answer is yes, so now you have to do the same. Let him live his life and trust that he won't hurt you again. Controlling him will only hurt your marriage, more than the affair ever could have.

While this would apply in an ideal world, we don't live there yet.

Never mind that your husband has cheated on you, deceived you, and disrespected you in the highest regard; he is also keeping in contact with a woman who has disrespected you in a personal way.

She basically told you that your husband belongs to her, and there is not a thing you can do about it. Sorry, but this woman is CLEARLY a trouble-maker and she has absolutely no regard for the way you have been made to feel in YOUR own marriage.

That fact that he allows this speaks measures of where his priorities are. He obviously doesn't care about the way you feel either.

You are being trampled on by these 2 people. If they would have handled it differently instead of being so antagonistic about it, maybe it would have worked out for everyone. But as I see it, you are the odd-one-out.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do (leave him, force him to stop seeing her) because those are your decisions and yours alone. You will do what you feel comfortable doing as your own person.

But, honestly, if this man gave even a fig about you he would cut all contact with this woman immediately and he would actively look for other friends that he has not slept with.

Love = sacrifice without regret. And I don't see him sacrificing anything.

That's cute... He cheats on you and then says you should trust him with the woman he cheated with.

Sorry, but I call this an absolute DEAL BREAKER.

Dump this chump and let him have his "friend". You deserve far better.

Sorry... I get what you're saying, and I understand not giving someone the ultimatum of "choose me or your friend"... but he lost all "rights" to her trusting him with this woman when he cheated. She may have trusted him before then, and found that her trust wasn't warranted when he CHEATED.

He has to EARN her trust back. Right now, that means no conversations with this woman in which his wife is not also involved.

I had an affair with a co worker years ago. We ended it fairly quickly as we were both married and we continue to be friends. But there is no texting, calls outside of work or even after work. We sometimes have lunch and talk about the families, but that is it. It can be done provided BOTH parties agree. In your case, seems both parties agree to still be in contact and possibly physical contact. In my situation she never knew. You have more of a dilema, because you do know. Break down what you know. Make a list. And is that list giving you signs to move on.

Wow :confused:... How long ago did he have the affair? Have you and your husband sought counseling of any kind since he cheated? What reason do you have to think that he is not still having an affair with this women? I know these are a lot of questions... but you are still in a marriage with a man that's cheated and yet... he is keeping in contact with his mistress. :eek: I have never heard of such a thing... It's humiliating enough just knowing that you've been cheated on, but for this man to keep in touch with this women and remain with you is outrageous. It's just as bad or worse that having an affair... because the message he's sending is... I don't want to be with you, and not have her in my life as well. Please... give this man an ultimatum... I hope from the bottom of my heart that all will work out in your favor... because you deserve to be married, respected, and loved... God Bless!

First of all, it is too hard to be friends after a fresh break up. You both need time to greave and find yourselves. Think about what you want out of a relationship and then try to move on. You can't move on if you see the person all the time. Because you are constantly reminded of what could have been. As far as your husband... Is he a Capricorn? He sounds like my lying babyfather. He use to tell people all kinds of negative things about me and then treat me like nothing was going on... Then when we'd fight peeople would say, I thought you guys broke up. We didn't have communication because he'd rather communicate with everyone else. If he is distant and short with you then obviously he's cheating with her. You are too kind! Telling her that their friendship is inappriate is a waist of your time. Its time to play hard ball. You find a friend... Treat people how you want to be treated... I am married also but I will not allow my husband to treat our marriage like a door mat and I am some kind of push over. The first sign of infidelity and I am out because Life is too short and there are too many new deases out there like AIDS so be careful. If you love yourself don't act like you can't live with out him! Do to him what he is doing to you or just leave him!! Just because you are married doesn't give hime the opportunity to treat you like Seconds. Love Yourself First