I have a 22yr old daughter that lives with me and my husband and our children (younger sisters) and has been for 3 months after leaving an abusive relationship. She has 2 daughters 1yr & 4yr living with us also.. they are wonderful! My daughter is such a unhappy, ungratefull crabby... She has always been rude and disrespectful to me. I thought helping her out, letter her live with us and helping her get on her feetwould be good. But, NOT! SHe was nice for a month and now she is BACK!! SHe is so rude to me! How do I deal with her? I can't even talk to her without her getting mad, yelling etc... This is my house and I deserve to be respected! SHe REALLY makes me... get mad! When I don't engage she gets even mader! Suggestions?? Help!! I want her out! But, she will use the grankids as tools to hurt me ;-(

Well she probably feels the same way as you. Being in a household full of people with different personalities is not always a good thing. As far as being rude, in what way give examples. Getting mad and yelling do you think it helps the situation or makes it worse. Yelling at a 22 year old. Remember you're the parent. Children or adults are going to imitate what they were brought up in. My suggestion is stop yelling, stop getting mad and actually talk to her normally. Get whatever is going on out in the open in a good positive way. There are people who always think there is something wrong with the adult child. The blame should not always be put on the child, but should be looked at the idea that maybe the mother could be instigating this type of behaviour.

Joe

Your daughter has become too comfortable in your home. She needs a strong reminder that she is a guest living temporarily in your house... Not a child living with her Mommy.

I know you are fearful of losing access to your grankids, but she will continue to escalate her behaviour if she does not sort out her issues. Remind her to use her time with you to help herself to a better life.

It is simple, you have helped her our for a few months from a bad situation. What is she doing with it, working ? Saving money?

So you now need to HELP her OUT, out of the house, sit down and sit up a time table for her to move out,

You allow it to happen in your home, if you don't like it, just tell her my house my rules, don't like it, get out. It is very simple

There are three reasons that I see for someone being abusive towards us…

1) They are mentally ill.
2) They are drunk.
3) We allow them to speak to us like that.

Stay calm and simply tell her you will not stand for being spoken to like that. If it continues, simply refuse to answer her until she speaks calmly. Refuse to answer, even leave the room if necessary, every time she kicks off.

I know you might feel like you are being driven out of your own sitting room. But this is how to actively deal with anyone who is being abusive towards you - short of knocking their block off.

Personally, I wouldn't stand for it and neither should you.

My husband & I put this child in two different apartments, My husband is not her father she has an older sister that is 25, she is getting ready to graduate from college in May, 07
He is not her father either, Our oldest is the opposite of the youngest. In answer to jesushelper76 I was told mother or no mother I had to earn her respect, it did not matter what I have or have not done for her or how about letting the men in her life talk to me like I was a street walker and you do not need to remind me that children learn what they lived, I never thought my daughters it was OK for them or anyone else to disrespect others or their feelings and to talk about what is upsetting them how do you force someone to talk to you and then when they do they lie and lie and lie which they were thought gets them nowhere jesushelper76 do you have children? Who said there was yelling I'm appalled you would suggest that or that I'm instigating this behavior for your information My daughters real father which you never asked about thought her it was OK to hide things from me and her step-father he told her at the age of 13 it was OK to get a ride to the airport where a ticket would be waiting for her I was told by one of her concerned friends because she could not find a ride and was going to hitchhike just because her step-father & I told her it was our lives mission to see she finished high school
And make something of herself, unlike her father thinks women should be seen and not heard, and bare foot , pregnant and in the kitchen and yes sharing our love is the greatest gift we can give someone and we should show our love to one another but what if we do and they simply do not?

You have to show them love and compassion. How dare I, and your appalled I would suggest you are instigating the situation. The fact is you are. Just from writing what you did above shows me your part of the problem. I seen that, and I shared my advice to you. Good luck with everything but it is obvious you do not want to take any responsibility in this. You do not know my life story. I have a lot of experience in family turmoil.

Joe

I never said I was not a part of the problem, like you, you do not know me and I have experienced my share of family turmoil as well, I never asked for a lecture and that's what your advice feels like, all I asked for was help and some understanding with my feelings and if by instigating you mean telling my daughter I don't want my her to marry someone who accused her and my sister of unspeakable acts on a child and then not turn the real culprit over to the police is not right, am I not entitled for someone better for her and my granddaughter? you are right I am responsible in this, again never said I was not. Why do your emails seem so accusatory I mean no offense but you really never asked me anything about the situation, you seemed quick to think just because I never spoke of my faults or responsibility I didn't want to own up to anything, others on this page didn't approach me that way. Do I come off as a bad person or something? I don't understand.

Hi,

Who let this character into the help desk for Jesus??

I too am a mother of a 21 year old; who I have had a very respectful and healthy relationship with. As of a year ago she was in school full time majoring in nursing; and worked part time as a CNA at our local hospital and lived at home. We have always made it easy for her so she could focus on her school work. Last year she got pregnant by her boyfriend and unfortunately it did not work out; which is a blessing in disguise. This last year with her living with me; I have done all I can for her and the baby which never seems to be enough. She has become a very selfish individual and expects me to take care of the baby any time she needs to run out because her friends need to talk or she wants to go too dinner; she doesn't ask she just expects me to take care of him. Don't get me wrong I would love watching him at all times, but that is not my responsibility and I don't want her to think that life is easy with a child. She had a lot of growing up to do, but she has taken it out on me and has shown no appreciation, is disrespectful and everything I do for her and the baby is never enough. She too is very irresponsible; she does not pull her weight as far as chores. I'd be happy if she just did her laundry and kept her bathroom and their bedrooms cleaned, but that is asking too much!

She asked if I could watch the baby tonight because her girlfriend is having problems and needs to talk, for the first time I told her "NO", and she managed to make me feel like a no good mother and I'm tired of it.

So I feel your pain; and I wish I could tell her if you don't like it "Get out" but she knows me better than that because I absolutely love having my grandson live with me.

And yes there are times I lose my cool; because I have never experienced this type of treatment from my daughter, but I am human and I did not raise my daughter to talk to me and be so unappreciative of everything I have done for her.

I wish the best for you; I just don't have answers for you since I'm in the same boat.

Don't listen to people who pass judgement especially with a user name like Jesushelper!

Cami

It has nothing to do with judgement. It has to do with there is two sides to the story, and you know what. When there was no sign of taken any responsibility in what was going on, I said something.

Maybe you and the other poster has such a bad reaction because you do not like hearing the truth. Sad but true.

Joe

Jesushelper76... She wasn't looking for a lesson; and I'm certain Jesus wouldn't handle it that way; but it's been said and done! I'm certain what you had to say didn't confort her... Great JOB!
I think I'm going to pray for you!
Good Night!

I am not here to comfort anybody but I am here to get to the truth of the matter. If you re read her post you will see that a lot of the problems are caused by her.

I am not going to comment on your situation because your situation is completely different from hers.

She has had so many different men figures in her child's life, no wonder why there are problems. She was trying to put all the blame on her child which is not the case in her case.

Re Read all the posts and maybe you will understand where I am coming from.

Joe

P.S. Goodnight to you as well.

I'm was no angel, at best, I would say, at least now, I'm 53 and know the difference between right and wrong ,when it comes to respect. When I say I was no angel I started with pot and pills during high school and stopped nightly use of smoking parting living the hippy lookand then that was I think the way most kids back in early 70's were disrespectful along with some lying associated with pot smoking. As everyone grew up had children and with what I see my 15 year old say to me. It's a total different world. I'm shocked at my daughter when she can look me in the face and say fu. You may say well what did I do? Right what did I do? Next week I go to my 22 year old daughters graduation and next year she's in law school. So focused and hard working she's proud of herself. So now what. If you bet me anything Id never see my kid talk to me with such disrespect, I don't have any answers. What I repeat is like what changed?

Hi. I am responding to the question about the 22 year old disrespectful daughter. Oh boy. This problem is growing among our society and seems to get worse instead of better through the years. I am a single parent that raised three sons with the help of a lot of community and church helpers(and friends). It was hair raising at times and I went to college while they were young... To make a long story short-It was tough. I was an enabler and a coddler. Protecting them at every turn, and giving them what I could and even what I couldn't. What was I doing? I was turning them into manipulative little monsters. They were spoiled and coddled. Out of the three-all have come back home more than once-to "get back on their feet. " The one who was home the last time is 33 years old... my oldest. He said he can't get ahead, because I ask him too many questions. After a long talk and he told me," I'm here to help you out." In his mind he thought he was. All three of them and myself needed a conference.. family conference. Enough of this... I would like to give a suggestion to you. Tough Love. After the conference- I informed all three that I would no longer be responsible for their successes or their failures. I will no longer
Be able to have them in my home with me. They were adults and need to figure out their own answers without my meddling or interference. They will profit from learning how to resolve and deal with life's problems away from me. I assured them how much I love them, but I cannot live their adult lives for them... how could I? My door is always open for a visit! Since they are on their own today! They are much more loving and respectful! I
Knew they could do it. Have enough faith in your daughter to have her go on her own. It's time for her to be an adult. God Bless You both.

I'm sorry. I meant to check the DISAGREE button when I rated the reply earlier. To mom. Don't let your daughter hold her kids over your head as leverage. Is she making any progress on getting on her feet? Or, has she just gotten comfortable with the free rent, live in child care, etc. Do try to talk to her in a time that is conducive to success. Not in the midst of an argument or when others are pulling for your attention. If she will not open up to you and share her troubles then that is where I can't help you. I have a 21 year old daughter. She does not show the same disrespect as yours but when she is in a mood... forget it. She will not articulate it, she will just be silent, pensive, and bite your head off if you try to help her. I'm still baffled over this as my 18 year old son is just the opposite. I guess the thing to do would be to stand up to her and tell her that speaking to you in that manner is not acceptable to you and ask for progress reports of her moving out. Don't worry about the grandchildren because she is going to need your help with them a lot as a single mother. I hope everything works out well for all of you.:)

Thank you so much for your honest advice. I have learned to look at myself and realized through the years I too have coddled my daughter and became an enabler. My daughter turned 18 this past January. She moved out and moved back in. She wasn't responsible with simple housecleaning: her bedroom and the upstairs bathroom, including her own laundry. I finally had enough of it. I confiscated the cell phone I paid for each month and decided to keep it and let her know that she could no longer live at home with us. I didn't mention that she came home after 3 nights away from home, and when she did return...she was trying to camouflage her neck with makeup and it was obvious she had been with another person. I couldn't take her lying anymore and decided enough was enough. We had given her another chance at living with us and it wasn't going anywhere. Tough love and letting her go was one choice I (finally) decided she needed in her own life. Yes, I am examining my self in the process. I have faith in her to go her own way and to find her way in this world. Thank you for your response and your honesty. Please pray for our family. Blessings --

Be careful how you tread here. Talk with her, I mean really sit down and talk with her, before you kick her out. I think she yells and carries on because she is afraid to heard what you have to say. When I was younger and had my baby I lived with my mom, but she kicked me out after only a month or so because she didn't want to be in a situation where she always has to watch my baby or things like that. I had never even asked her to watch him, she was just afraid it would escalate into a bad situation, even though we never even fought or anything. It took seven years of struggle, homelessness, and fighting, but I finally have my own place, a college degree and a good job, and no one to thank for it but me. I would so much rather to have not gone through all that I did. So just talk to her, maybe she's just scared. But don't put up with her crap either.

I agree with you guys about Jesus Helper... He or she obviuosly doesn't have kids or is too dumb to realize what's going on if he or she is direspected by them.
I am going through that SAME situaton with my adult daughter now. GAVE UP my life as a "young mother" for her. DEVOTED every single moment,although I remarried when she was 9 years old to another man. Got us out of an abusive situtation with her father. Her father DELIBERATELY shunned her because of belonging to a cult. I ALWAYS encouraged her to spend time with him. Her step-fahter has been a supportive man. At 13 years old like most teenagers she starts becoming very disrespectful. I grounded her,loved her and showered her with LOVE peiod. Didn't work! At 14 we pulled her out of school and although I ran a very stressful business, I home-schooled her she graduated and attended college at 16 years old. She got invloved with a guy who hit her. I stepped in and demanded that she not see him anymore. SHe has hated mt since then. Recently, she moved out and got married to someone else who hit her. I stepped in again,this time very slowly, ecause I didn't want to be hated. SHe hated mt again because I didn't step in fast enough. Since she has been on her own,EVEN WHEN SHE MARRIED THIS LOSER, I helped her pout financially because I didn't want to see her suffer. She hates me for helping her out. SHe says I never asked you to do it. Then this first boyfirned she hates me for, just got arrested and went to prison. Now ahe has called me every name in the book. And has said it's my fault that he's gone. I had nothing to do with it.
I do think that as a parent you have to protect yourself abuse from your kids. You see, I was sexually abused as a child. My daughter knows this. Therefore, I think I smothered or over compensated with her for that reason. But what I can tell is that your adult children are individuals. And just as another individual preys on your weaknesses your children will do the same. NO PARENT< especially ones who have done the RIGHT things by their children, deserves abuse. "JESUSHELPER" the bible tells you to "Guard your heart". Take care of yourself first! Don't let your kids emotionally blackmail you!

I too have very disrespectful children. My children lost their father at a very young age and I have therefore been a single parent for as long as they can remember. I have a 29yr old son and 22yr old twin girls. I have always been attentive to my children. I may not win mother of the year but I showered them with love, nursed their wounds-physical and emotional and have always shown up. Somewhere I went wrong because my two eldest have always been disrespectful. Four months ago, because of financial problems I went to live with my youngest twin daughter. We were getting along and managing fine. She recently moved her twin sister in without our having any discussion. Just yesterday the twin sister became annoyed when I told her not to go into my things without my permission. Well that escalated into WWIII. What alarmed me is that her twin took her side and the result was that she asked-demanded I to move out. I am her mother and when things were horrible for her, as a mother I picked her up, dusted her off and made sure that her life was back on track. I feel like a failure and that I've allowed my children to disrespect me and when they feel better, come into my life (no apology) just like nothing happened. You can never know what that feels like until you've experienced it. My heart is heavy and I just want to die.

Daughter must be 24 by now and hopefully moved out of moms house by now.