My boyfriend has 3 children by three different women. They are 23, 24 and the youngest child - girl who he is most closest to is 20. They are VERY close and yes the other two feel like outsiders and have said as much. He's worked very hard at providing financially for all of them and on the outside every thing is fine. We have known each other for over 20 years and most recently spent more time together as more than friends. We've had intimacy/sexual issues over the last 5 months and he has asked to step back from that aspect of our relationship for a bit , but he still wants to keep the relationship going. Although its been difficult on me, I care for this person. One reason is that he's finally coming to terms with is childhood sexual abuse experience. I am gently pushing him to get help, but for now he's not done so. My concern lies in his relationship with his youngest daughter. She's going back to college soon, has her first boyfriend and is beginning to pull away... which was bound to happen. My concern is with his reaction. He still clings to her as if she were a child, and in some ways acts like she is more of a intimate girlfriend (not sexual) rubbing her shoulders, putting his arms around her, playing with her hair and I most recently found out that they when she visits they sometimes share a bed because he doesn't have a separate room for her. I have told him that I feel it's in appropriate for them to share a bed. He's 52 years old and she needs her privacy and he's still a male who can be aroused in his dreams and I know he wakes up with an erection, although to me he claims to have no desire. I'm so confused by all of this. Is there cause for concern?

Would it concern me? Yes, it would from both sides - hers AND his.

Even if it's totally innocent it looks inappropriate and it can't be healthy for her. What do the sisters say?

Very inappropriate. Have you told him how you feel?

Reason they have couches and air mattresses. Totally out of line.
And personally I can't see any 20 year old girl doing this
I would say from the outside, it looks very very bad

No way should this be happening. It is wrong on every level.

I would not share a bed with my daughter at gunpoint.
I'd make a snowcave outside and sleep there first.

Thank those who have replied so far. I know my gut instincts were correct. I did speak up once I found out that this was going on. I also asked his son, who lives with him if this has has happened before and he couldn't respond for sure, because he's not always there on the nights she visits. He's 24 and clearly feels like the outsider in his own home when she visits. I have been there when his daughter is in his room and they talk sometimes with the door closed. He clearly has no boundary issues with her and although this young lady is not my daughter I feel obligated to confront him on this. Any thoughts. This will clearly change our relationship, but at this point I don't care. He needs to get help.

I think you will be doing the right thing by talking to him about this.
I would advise you to be ready for him not to take this too well. For him to be doing this , he must think it to be OK ,or there is something deeper and darker taking place. Either way it should be addressed because of the effect it is having on your relationship and you need to know what you are going to do.

Let him know you are not comfortable with this behavior and see what his reaction is

I am 21 and my dad is 59 and I can tell you now I would never sleep in the same bed as my dad.. I would rather sleep on the lounge or on a blanket on the floor.

This is very wrong!

He needs to be reported and she needs to stay away from. Does the mother know?

My guess is she does not. Her mother is moving out of state soon, so the daughter is staying with him for another couple of weeks until she goes back to college. I'm no expert, but I feel this is deeply rooted in his not coming to terms with his own abuse and not being able to have a meaningful relationship with a woman and has subsequently transferred the only intimacy he can feel- is what he feels for his daughter. Although I think the younger daughter is aware that this is wrong.. she 'trusts' that her father would never hurt her. Which is what most abusers count on... which is why I said something to him in the first place. It was interesting that he didn't get angry or confrontational with me, when I told him he should sleep on the couch. He just said I don't do it all the time. I said again, you should no longer do it at all. She is too old for that. Was he aware of what I might be accusing him of?

Yes... and good for you! The younger daughter will be safe from him because of you. Tell her mom to keep her away from him if she can.

In reading this and the replies, I can't help but think that he is setting himself up with a cover story in case he is found out to be acting inappropriately with his 20 year old daughter.

That the other children are marginalized, and he purports to be suddenly having problems with you sexually due to past childhood abuse to the point of taking a break, yet on the other hand, he's sleeping with a 20 year old college kid, who happens to be his daughter.

I'm not a rocket scientist here, but I see danger when all signs point to it.

When they are found out, and it becomes knowledge that they cannot hide behind some excuse (being a victim himself), the picture becomes much more complicated, because the life of this 20 year old is going to be upside down, and she will need help herself.

Such a power imbalance, especially nurtured and encouraged to such extremes as this father has done with his daughter, needs immediate intervention. I try and try to think that, well, he could be just a touchy feely huggy kind of dad, but my gut tells me otherwise.

Please speak to this girls mother, and inform her of your concerns. Advise her that her daughter and her ex husband are engaging in inappropriate behaviour, and you feel it is the right thing to do to tell her. I would personally take it a step further and also say that you also realize that the damage is not limited to the 20 year old, but also his other children. They too will be affected when the truth comes out.

I don't know what else you can do, except realize that your instinct, in my opinion, and what you have stated here, is enough for you to move on, and accept that your relationship with him will never be 'normal'.

To Jake 2008.. thank you for your thoughts. One of the things that confuses me still is... if he feels that he's 'caught' why is he still interacting with me. Am I part of the cover up? Although I would consider his daughter a lot more spoiled than the rest and yes the others definitely feel left out, she is more than excited about going back to college, talks with the boyfriend daily- texting, skyping etc. and has stated more than once that she does not want to return home after she finishes college. So could this be more on him.. his fantasy being played out in subtle ways. Is he now reacting to the fact that she's pulling away and he may no longer be the center of attention.

Wilsova, you are a far more tolerant and considerate person under these circumstances than I would ever be.

It sounds to me like he is heading down a very slippery slope of emotional destruction. If we were to consider all of his behaviour to be simply over the top affection for his daughter, he should be emotionally stable enough to handle what millions of other parents do when their children leave the nest. Suck it up, and get on with life.

But he has created 'something' for himself with his daughter that is far too intimate, far too man/womanish rather than father/daughterish, (I don't like the way I said that, but can't come up with a better way off the top).

Stick to the facts when assessing this man's character, integrity, motives, intent, and honesty.

He has problems. If we are to believe that what motivates him, is his own sexual abuse history, in his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, he is still a functioning adult who should realize that what he is doing is wrong, and seek out professional help to not only sort out his past, but realize how his past is affecting his relationship with his daughter.

There are right ways and wrong ways of doing things. What he is doing is what suits him, without regard to obvious consequences for all concerned, including you.

I personally think that what you see, is only what he allows you to see. You do not know this man, and he is banking on you being there, accepting him for what he does, without question. And, being satisfied that he throws a few crumbs (reasons) your way to keep your concernes at bay.

I don't see this as necessarily you being a part of the coverup, but part of a bigger plan for him, to feel secure knowing that you, and others, do not find his behaviour unusual or questionable. If he were alcoholic, and everybody accepted his reasons to drink, that would certainly encourage, not discourage, him from continuing to drink.

It is a shame that you can't sit down with the mothers of all his children, and just ask questions of them. I think that they were all at one time thinking the same thoughts as you have been. Wondering about his behaviour, listening to excuses, being less than honest, and unwilling to change or address serious issues in his past. I'd rather listen to them, and their thoughts, than try to put my mind at ease by accepting only what he has to say about himself.

You raised a good point about him no longer being the centre of attention when his daughter returns to college. That may just be the proverbial straw that will either force him deal with his life, or find other ways to satisfy his need to have the attention he craves . What that could potentially mean is anybody's guess.

If the truth is ever out on the table, and you have something concrete to deal with, at least there would be a starting point. But, I don't think that is going to happen until he can at least admit that he has problems that he cannot solve himself.

You are definitely helping me see some things in a whole new perspective- like the fact of our taking a break- happened shortly after the daughter announcing she now had a boyfriend. I was the cover up for him... he told me he just wasn't interested in sex anymore... (I never believed him, but is it possible that it had a deeper meaning and connection with her. I just assumed it had to do with his past abuse) He was never really present in our relationship... most of our chit chat conversation was about her. Don't get me wrong, my relationship with him is not my priority. I care about his children. His son sees me as an adult he can talk too- he does not have a great relationship with his own mother and he knows he's not priority with his dad when the daughter is around. He has not brought to my attention any of the concerns I have mentioned. He lives in the home, but tends to spend most of his time in his room.
I just can't seem to walk away from this- my gut instincts brought me to seek out perspectives of others. I can at least move forward without the rose colored glasses on and I have no problem relying on my instincts and taking action when I need to. I will not play along.

You rock Wilsove. To put the kids front and centre, and they aren't yours, says so much about you as a person.

I think when they coined the phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child", you are most certainly one of those people who don't just look the other way when kids are involved. Even if they are in their 20's, your approach is much admired.

I'm curious what you think about a confrontation of sorts with him. Address him directly with specifics and see if he doesn't offer some real insight. It may not change him, but having unsorted, questionable activity out in the open for discussion, may slow him down enough to think.

It is possible, the "coverup" itself, may be part of the behaviour that has followed, not preceded, the behaviour itself. Such as it is with anything similar in that regard such as drug use, gambling etc. The behaviour without a coverup does not allow the activity to continue or be known in an obvious way. It could be that because of his behaviour in other words, the coverup came more naturally, and has become more and more complicated.

It is also possible that he himself, knows he needs help, and is not quite yet balanced with needs vs. change.