I have been asking myself this question for a long time. My problems are many and I've probably made many mistakes. My husband of 20 years is verbally abusive. I am handicapped and unfortunately, I rely on his help. My two children (daughter 17, son 13) are both healthy and are doing well in school. I have tried leaving my husband but my children are so against the idea, (maybe they are embarrassed of me?), they both prefer a father around the house who every few weeks goes into a rage, than not having one at all. I am taking steps to secure my independence from him, and in the meantime, I am doing the best I can, ignoring his outbursts. My daughter, cannot stand me. I do everything for her, I drive her everywhere, I buy her way more than I can afford, I clean up after her continuously, (she does not help me with housework at all - she absolutely refuses), and she takes everything I do for granted. She often says things to my husband so that he will start fighting with me (things such as : "You know what mom said? You know what mom is planning? Do you know that mom is hiding money from you?", etc... ). Her behaviour makes no sense to me at all - she will do anything to hurt me emotionally, she calmly looks at me and tells me how much she hates me, how she has no respect for me, and how the thought of my touching her (like a caress on the cheek) makes her skin crawl. When she breaks her curfew, and my husband goes ballistic, I am the one to calm him down. When her cell phone bill comes in and has over $100 dollars in extra fees added to it, I am the one who scrapes the money behind my husband's back to pay for it - and then she tells him just so he could get mad at me. Two weeks ago, her school had an optional trip to Washington for five days (including hotel, meals, etc... ) Naturally, it was quite expensive - my husband felt it was out our means, but she kept begging me to go, and when I would tell her that we couldn't afford it, she would start on how horrible I am and how much she hates me. So I fought with my husband, and he finally gave in. While she was happy to go on the trip, it only "bought" me a couple of days of niceness from her. While she was there, she bought small gifts for everyone, including something for me. Yesterday, while mouthing off her hatred of me, (triggered by something as simple as "please pick up your clothes") she confessed that the item she had given me from Washington, was something she actually bought for herself, and she wanted it back. She took it back, and said, "You know what's sad? While I was in DC, I realized you deserve nothing from me - that there is nothing I want to give you or do for you - I just hate you so much. I cannot wait until you are out of my life completely". Here I am, basically I go out of way to convince my husband to send her on the trip, go out of my way depriving myself of things I need just so I could pay for her trip, and she tells me this? She has been in and out of counseling several times, with no success as far as our relationship. She refuses to go for joint counseling with me, and of course, her counselors do not tell me what she is saying to them. I am at my wits end - I do not know what to do anymore. My physical condition is worsening, and, I cannot understand what I have done to make her hate me so much. I would appreciate some support and advice. Thank you.

Wow... This is quite a story and I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with such a manipulative and selfish child. Im sorry if you take that offensively because I know that this is your child, but ma'am, you do not deserve that. Obviously giving in to her "Wants" all the time isn't helping.. Instead, maybe you should focus on her "NEEDS". Stop giving into what she wants.. I know you'll feel like she hates you, but it works.. Try taking something away from her that she adores.. Seriously, she has to ADORE this thing or place... Be harsh with her.. You need to lay it on the line that you are HER mother and while she is living under YOUR roof, she needs to respect you and stop taking advantage of you. I really hope you have realized that your daughter has taken complete advantage of you, and she will sweet talk her way into and out of everything. Don't GIVE IN. I think its wonderful that you love your daughter enough to want to make her happy. And you know what? I don't even think your daughter HATES YOU.. That's RIGHT... I think what's going on here is teenage hormones and her way of acting rebellious to get what she wants and in order for her to do that she feels like she needs to rebel... It needs to stop, one way or another.. You are obviously a great mother and you are trying your best.. But don't try to hard because she is just going to screw you over.. Be strong, toughen up, build some courage girlfriend and don't give up. You can do it, I know you can..

Good luck with everything

Curiousone777

Thank you for your advice, I've attempted many times in the past to withhold privileges, but I end up giving in after a few days (I know this is wrong) because it's very difficult to continue. She yells and says horrible things and makes our home life intolerable. Sadly, I know the situation is such that she has taken total advantage of me, manipulates me, and is unbelievably mean to me. Of course, with everyone else, she is a darling. Her teachers love her, she has lots of friends, a boyfriend, etc... So, obviously she KNOWS how to behave, she just chooses not to with me. Is there anyone out there who in the past treated their mother this way, and now realize just how lucky they were to have a caring mother? Is there any mother out there who went through a similar experience, and things turned out fine?

I feel so bad for you. Stop being so nice to her - the nicer you are, the more she will continue this awful cycle. She won't change until you do. Sadly, being nice to her won't make her realize anything, you have to do the opposite, no matter how hard it is. Stick with it, as long as it takes.

I think you need to take control of the situation. You are her mother and SHE is required to listen to you! The more you allow these outbursts to continue, the worse they are going to get! I do have to say thought, you are a very generous, caring and loving mother to act that way towards your daughter despite the hatefullness from her.
Good Luck!
<3 Sara

Your daughter is a spoiled brat. You are generous to a fault. She doesn't respect you because you don't have enough self-respect to insist that she (and your husband) stop treating you like a doormat. It's really hard to change long established habits of thought and patterns of behavior, but they won't change until you do. Consider counselling for yourself to learn how to assert yourself in a healthy way. It may be that the best you can do for everybody is to remove yourself from the situation. Without you to kick around they might have to learn to deal with each other. I hope this doesn't come across as unkind or uncaring, but your family is dysfunctional and you have to start with yourself to improve the situation. It will be a long and difficult process, and I wish you well.

The posts all seem to agree on one thing - she is spoiled and manipulative. And that observation is 100% correct. My husband says the same thing all the time. And I know it too. But, I have a very difficult time getting her to listen to anything. I would like to share with you an example of how inconsiderate she is - this just happened again yesterday: I have been hearing impaired since I was a child, and my hearing is about 10%. I can hear a little bit, I rely on lip-reading, and I get by okay. Because I rely very much on visual cues, people have to take a few extra steps with me, just to let me know that they are there. She refuses, she just comes in the house, without saying hello, walks up to the bathroom, family room, whatever... So here I am in the kitchen, thinking I'm home alone, hearing the vibrations of the footsteps, and of course, I get scared thinking there is an intruder in the house. She does this all the time. Yesterday, I was really frightened because she came in running, and so the footsteps were heavy and fast - two minutes later, she came out of her room like nothing happened. She was let out of school early, and used her key to let herself in. I did not see her come in. I told her how scared I was, and how important it is for her to acknowledge me when she lets herself in the house. She smirked and replied "It's not my fault you can't hear - too bad"... She does this a lot. No one should do this to a hearing impaired person, let alone their mother. Yet, with others, she is so unbelievably considerate.
OrdinaryGuy, you really made me think. I do need counselling. I do need to be able to stand up on my feet. Believe me, I wish I could get away from my husband and daughter for a while, but that would mean leaving my son too, and he's an angel. I can't leave him. I'll get myself back into counseling, and I'll take it from there. Sorry if my posts are long, I have a lot to say.

"I have tried leaving my husband but my children are so against the idea, (maybe they are embarrassed of me?), they both prefer a father around the house who every few weeks goes into a rage, than not having one at all. I am taking steps to secure my independence from him, and in the meantime, I am doing the best I can, ignoring his outbursts."

1) Your daughters may appear to be against this because they don't understand the full extent of the abuse. Also I think your plans to leave their father may be more than they can get their young heads around. They might just be angry and confused because they don't really understand what is going on. I feel you have to ignore their protestation for now and do whatever it takes to get yourself to a safe and happy place, if that means leaving him then do it. The girls will have to sort out their own feelings on this. You can't tell them what to think or how to feel.

2) If I go shopping and one check out person is a bit sharp with me, I assume she is having a bad day. But if I come up against it in another shop and maybe another, I have to start asking myself what am I doing that is bringing that out in them. We can be doing things that we are very unaware of until other people's behaviour towards us brings our attention to it. I went outside, had a coffee and decided to put a smile on my face and start over. It works!

Now I'm not saying any of this is your fault, please don't think that. I'm simply trying to bring your attention to the fact that you are the only one who can change your situation. If you don't love your husband anymore and want to get out of that relationship, do it. And while you are at it, stop doing thing for your daughters, they are old enough to do for themselves.

Look at it this way, if you keep doing for them they will never learn to stand on their own two feet and take care of themselves. If you stop doing so much for them, you will be doing them a favour. Okay so they get mad and storm out, let them. And if they yell at you, tell them calmly that you can't make out what they are saying and ask them to come back and talk to you when they have calmed down. You could do the same with your husband. You stand for this treatment and that is why you get it. It is time to refuse point blank to put up with that kind of treatment.

I sincerely hope I haven't offended you. Please come back and chat and let us know how things are going.

Dear Bluerose, thank you for your reply - perhaps I wasn't clear in my post - I am taking steps to secure my independence from my husband, but my children are not aware of this. I try to shield them as much as possible from things that they do not understand. My daughter has always been this way with me, ever since she was about nine or ten. We've tried counseling before, and she changes for a little while - I kept hoping that as she would mature, she would stop, but if anything, she has become worse. I know I am the only one who can change my situation, but it is so difficult. I will keep in touch...

OMG... if I would have talked to my parents the way that your daughter talks to you... I would've been "back handed"!

I have no idea as to tell you "why" your daughter is treating you this way. I just wanted to give you support. I am very happy that you are securing your future independence!

I think your husband has failed at his parenting by not getting down on her and being more strict with her. The first time she "mouthed off" he should have put her in her place and let her know that she is under your roof. It is just known that the father is the stronger disciplinarian. I know my dad was and when he said to "jump"... I asked how high!

Good Luck!

Tatiana17,

I'm glad you are taking steps to get out. And think you are right about keeping your plans to yourself for now. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

"My daughter has always been this way with me, ever since she was about nine or ten. We've tried counselling before, and she changes for a little while - I kept hoping that as she would mature, she would stop, but if anything, she has become worse."

Maybe it is something more serious and I don't think a counsellor could pick it up but a therapist might.

I hope you do manage to change your situation, everyone deserves some peace and happiness. Good luck.

I'm 20 and used to be the same to my mum not because I did hate her I just said it your daughter mite be suffering from depression like I was and maybe if you could get her to see a dr they may be able to help. If you don't want to be with your husband then don't because that will cause more tension in the house. When your daughter asks for a lift or money say no if you do not respect me then I will not do things for you that's what my mum did to me and it works. My mum and dad divorced and I didn't want it to happen but now I know it was for the best. Good luck

When Children say they hate you that means that they love you. I used to say that to my mother and when I said that it would either be used as I love you and that its not fair or as I love you and I am really dissoponted at you because I really wanted to *blank blank* (what ever she wants.needs. Etc)

As horrible as it sounds it also sounds kind of normal- like a normal mom-daughter relationship at that age... Yes, you need to make some changes and do some things differently, but also realize that you don't need to take it personally, that things will change and evolve and that this is a normal part of growing up. Much of what you've done has created a breeding ground for her behaviour and allowed it to perpetuate and develop into a normal course of reacting, but it will change and get better. Be someone she respects, do not buy affection or give her things she does not deserve- in the end you do her a disservice for the rest of the world will not do so- but since you have started the pattern its going to be hard to break, you should seek help for yourself on how to deal with it all... take care of yourself, love yourself, others will love you too...
And good luck!

This may not sound like much consolation, but the best thing you can do in your situation is take care of yourself. By doing this, you will be a good role model for your daughter. I’m sure she will have to struggle with her kids in the future, and she’ll need to know a parent does not let a child manipulate them. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. I am in a situation similar to yours. My daughter was only 12 when my ex convinced her to live with him after our divorce. She is 20 now, and she has only visited me a handful of times since the split because she hates me so much. Of course, my ex encourages that behavior. Her stepmother has constantly bought her expensive items throughout the years, and I think, thank God I am not the one being manipulated here. Having a child hate you is very painful, but it would be more painful if I did not know in my heart that I am setting a good example. Try to think of your situation in these terms: If you are walking the walk and you step in a pile of someone’s do-do, just shake it off your shoes and keep on walking. We need fewer drama queens and more role models, so stay strong!

Wow Tat, I think your in a vicious cycle. Your husband sounds verbally abusive. And your child is practicing this same sort of verbal abuse. Children learn what they live. If I were you, I would continue to get counseling and support myself. I wouldn't allow either of them to continue to verbally abuse me. Therefore, I would stop being so nice and going out of my way to try to enable them to hurt me any further. How? By making future plans for yourself. By making a statement to both of them that their abuse will no longer be tolerated. That you have plans to move out of the situation, if necessary. You have a choice. You don't have to continue to be anyone's dart board. I believe you have to make some difficult choices in order to gain respect and understanding in your family. But more importantly, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.

I hope I am not late to respond. I agree with others who say you need to begin to respect yourself first. But I imagine that this may be not clear how.
My vision of the situation is: your daughter instinctively doesn't agree with the injustice, which you allowed in your family (abusing you, wife and mother). If a person lets others abuse him or her , lets others to encroach upon his/her dignity (in your situation it is you) this person violate the justice. Your daughter unskillfully fights with your helplessness, with your internal agreement to be abused, as you believe inside yourself that you deserve it. (I may use tough words, but this is for the sake of clear understanding.) So she hates not you, mother, she hates your weakness and defenseless even before her! Children test parents for having dignity, yes, believe it or not. So I would recommend to begin respecting yourself. The first step you are doing already: thinking about this (and preparing your financial independence). Then begin affirmations: I am worthy (100 times a day.) Try everything to increase your own self-esteem. Self-help books will help. What is important - maybe begin some kind of business, which will help you to revive your social value. Get friends, get respect from others. Work for yourself, stop working for your family members, which act disrespectfully. Well, a lot you can do, if you change your own mind first.
One more thing. Think what does your daughter feel? Do you think she is happy to be mean to her mother? I doubt. I think she is badly depressed about that and behaves corresponddingly, trying to hurt you, because inside herself she is lost. You can help her, not by speaking, but by treating yourself well, and treating others fairly. If your girl deserved your anger, show it to her, but don't speak too much. Speak only when you ready to tell the right things. If previously your speaking did work, it means you didn't know what to tell her right.
I feel very compassionate for your situation. I wish you good luck and strength!

Is there anywhere she absolutely hates to go? Like, insane grandmother's, aunt's, counsin's house etc.. That will take her for a while? For example, you can ask her to simply pick up her clothes or wash dishes etc.. And tell her that you will send her to X's house for spring break if she does not comply, says disrespectful things, ex. Is a to you at all over the next week. And if she does, you can send her over there, and you won't have to listen to her insults etc. because she will not be with you.

And for those times when she is home, and you deny her of something, you can call a friend or family member to talk to when that moment of door slamming takes place.

Wow I'm really sorry that your daughter is that manipulative. Well ill share something I know. My family and I are lower class. But my mom's friend (and child Vienna my age "14") needed a place to stay. My mom is very kind hearted and very generous and she just could not sleep one night with out thinking of them. Now they have lived with us 5 times at like 1 - 4 month periods. Anyway back to my story. Ive known Vienna since grade 6 (were in 9 now) and that's the reason my mom knows her mother etc... etc... Vienna didn't grow up with a father around th e house and was very attached to her mother. When I met her she was not a bad person at all she was very bright had a university reading level and she was the top of my class. She was so scared about anything happening to her mom that I remember one time we were walking home from school and she couldent get a hold of her mother. She started to cry and ran home to find out that her mom was outside. Well now, in the nicest way. Vienna is a manipulative little who has gotten so good at it. She can get away with murder. Ive watched her go through these phases from suicidal (cutting, calling help line, saying her mom was beating her etc... ) to what she has now become. A stoner who got kicked out of school and gets stoned drinks etc like more than 3 times a week. She's home schooled but she doe sent get any of her work done. Instead she does those things listed above. And her mother has to work 2 jobs so they can live in a motel. Its hell, I fell quite sorry for both of them. See, I'm very attached to Vienna. Considering I've known her for quite a while I feel like she's the sister I never had (well I do have one but she has Cerbial Palsy and so she cannot really control her movements all to well). Anyway as mentioned above Vienna is very good at manipulating to most of the population. Accept for me. I know when she's ting me and what not. And she's good at it to. But she's very mean to her mother now a days, and very mean to my mom and my step-father (when she lived with us). But she just takes off whenever she feels like it, goes out gets stoned comes home tells her mom her mom es at her for a couple of minutes, says she's grounded and then Vienna storms into her room and when she comes out she's like "im running away,I'm going out, im gonna get stoned etc" This is a vicious cycle, Vienna has her mom so scared that her mom barley has any restrictions on her. And that's because Vienna's mother is SCARED of her. What I'm saying is stand up for yourself and threaten her and instead of being kind just be a complete and tell her who's boss and get your husband to help. Because from what I saw and now from what I recently read your scared less of your daughter. And I'm sorry to say but you have to take action NOW before she actually gets out into the world and screws her life up. And video tape her or audio tape her or something and show it to everyone, show everyone who selfish she is and how she plays everyone. Then she will have to change. And could you go into more detail about how she acts please. I probably offended many people in the segment but I said it a light hearted as I could and I'm really sorry for offending you Tatiana17 epically. One last thing though, You daughter just in the long run is either embarrassed of you divisibility (sorry my sister is disabled to I know what its like yet I'm not embarrassed) Or, she wants attention and I mean like for you to enforce the rules I know it sounds "far fetched" but I'm pretty sure that's what Vienna wants is that her mother to force rules etc and to show her she really loves her. That is all and *Sigh* thanks for listening :) And for the Record, I love my TWIN sister very much and look beyond her disibillity.

Thank you for sharing somewhat! Your opinion is respected! It helps to get other's view's on things! Helps the asker to gather their own answers to their questions. As well as helping the lurkers to evaluate their own feelings on a particular subject! Happy New Year's! And you are NOT lower class! Not in my book! You're a caring and compassionate soul! Which makes you TOP notch! First Class! :)!