My girlfriend and her 12 year old boy just moved in with me about 10 months ago. I have been in the picture for the last 6 years. My girlfriend is 30 and I'm 31.

I feel that my girlfriend coddles her son constantly. I have tried to talk with her about it but she gets very defensive and it's a very touchy subject for her, understandable really, considering he is all she has. I think she's a pretty good mother but being a male, I have some major issues with some things she does and I would like others to comment.

She tucks him in every night, which I DO NOT have a problem with, except that it is a 30 minute tuck in. It's not a kiss and a goodnight. It's 30 minutes of laying in bed with him, watching TV and discussing the day, or whatever is going on, and then finally turning the lights off. 9pm he is required to be in bed (the rule), then TV is off at 9:30. She goes in there with him and is in there until 9:30 every night. I have a big problem with this.

Number one, the kid has some anxiety problems with school. Every night he gets nervous about the next day. Now, by her going in there and talking to him, this does not calm him down. In fact, being an anxiety patient myself, I can attest that it only causes more problems. The last thing you want is to have his mind moving a mile a minute. He should be in there for 30 minutes watching TV, winding down, then lights out at 9:30. I have brought it up that she is not letting the boy grow up and just causing him worse problems by doing this. I think it's completely unnecessary that she be in there that long every night with him. I asked her at what age she planned to stop this and she said "never". I think that's ridiculous for a pre-teen, but I would like to hear what others think.

Another issue I have is that she will not let me assign him chores. SHe says "he helps out when asked" but I do not feel that is a way to teach responsibility. Helping out is considered 'a favor' to me, not 'responsibility'. At 12, he's never had chores. I have brought this up before and she just blows it off. I wanted to get him involved with picking up dog poop before I cut grass, and she said "I don't know, he's got a weak stomach". That's an excuse. He does not have that weak of a stomach. Every person that's ever owned a dog has picked up dog poop. I have a shovel, it's not like I use my hands.

I have wanted to have him do dishes in an alternating fashion every 3rd night, and take out garbage every week the night before the garbage men come by. All have been brushed off and ignored.
She also does not believe in paying money for chores. She said helping out the family should not be rewarded with money. I agree on that point, but chores are teaching responsibility, and I do think chores can be rewarded with money, or some other reward.

I'd love others' opinions.

There are many more things that really bug me, but these are a couple of them. My best interest at heart is for the kid. I want him to grow up able to take care of himself and be responsible. He's a great student (4.0) but school comes very easy for him right now and I do not want to 'not push' him to be even better. I also believe in being a well balanced person. You can go through life and excel at school and academia but not know how to do laundry or cook dinner as an adult, or do simple home improvement like nail pictures on the wall straight or what have you.

Thanks for reading.

I don't disagree with all of your opinions, but that really doesn't matter. What matters is that this is her son. I think its great that you want to be a fatherly role model, but its still up to her how she wants to raise him.

I think there should be a new forum called "stepparenting".

Well, I figured I would be on the losing end of a lot of battles, but from my point of view, it seems like I get zero say. How am I supposed to deal with not having much of a say when it's happening in front of me and we are all supposed to be living together as a "family"?

90% of the arguments that my girlfriend and I get into are over this kind of thing, all related to parenting. We have fundamental differences of opinion as well which are really tough to compromise on.

My girlfriend walked all over her parents, hated her mom for being 'stern' and her dad was a pushover. SHe left home at 16, got married at 18, had the kid, got divorced shortly after, and really within the last few years has gotten her life back on track with college and a good job. Her whole family is teachers, and they are of the liberal mindset.

I came from a conservative home. My dad left us at age 7, but my mom was the best. But as hard as she tried, she could not make up for the male role model. But I got everything I had to have and she did a good job. I grew up on the straight path, went to college, became an Engineer, etc. But things like never being allowed to quit something once I started, or never being able to miss school unless I was throwing up or had a fever, are how I grew up. My girlfriend lets her kid take days off school for no good reason and that really bugs me. Things like that. I just can't tolerate it and it basically makes me wonder sometimes if I should kick them out and move on with my life. I hate to say that because I really do want what's best for the kid but like I said, I do not get much say.

The kid likes to overdramatize everything "just like his mother" and I try not to do that to set the example the other way, and to try solving problems 'i suppose like a guy' haha, step by step, think it through, don't get too emotional. I do try to point this out on occasion but I get the evil eye from the girlfriend. It's clear she is being protective and she sees it as "her ground" but I don't think that is fair given the sitaution now . They moved in here and we were supposed to become a family. But that's not really what's happening.

It's not all her fault, I'm no angel either. I could do a lot better job developing a relationship with the kid. But because of my issues with all of these things it definitely inhibits that. I feel like I can't put my stamp on the kid, is what I'm trying to say.

I'm sure she was doing all of these thing before she moved in with you.
You are not going to change her behaviors with her son and if it bothers you that much, I suggest separate living again.

This is something that probably should have been discussed before hand and you two could have come to some type of agreement.
To tell a mother (who has probably been the sole parent of her child for a while) how to raise her child is a daunting task.
Either be prepared for a battle or don't go to the battle field to begin with.

I don't agree with everything she is doing but she knows her child better than I do. Personally I see nothing wrong with spending time before bedtime to talk over the day, see what's going on in his world. I don't think children should be paid for doing things they ought to be doing. But I do believe in chores. That is part of family living. Everyone contributes and helps out.

Good luck!

I take it that the boy's natural father is not in the picture?

It seems that he has had no male influence. I know that is not necessarily a popular opinion, but, male children without a male influence in their lives, are missing out in my opinion.

I'm wondering if it is still too new a situation where he doesn't see you as a role model, but more of 'the competition' for his mother's attention. His behaviour may even be worse than what it was when you decided to all live together. All of a sudden he is expected to do things, that really, any 12 year old should be able to do.

Chores are a part of life. Responsibility is also a part of life, as is all the other routine tasks that he should be expected to be doing at his age. It is appropriate, and I agree with you on that. The value of learning responsibility is necessary for his development.

You aren't asking him to shingle the roof, or change the oil in the car. You're asking him to do simple chores, that are not outside his ability, they are just outside his comfort level. Well, we can't always pick the jobs that make us comfortable. Picking up dog poo is a lousy job- but that's life.

I don't see where there cannot be some sort of compromise somewhere. As him what he thinks would be reasonable, and ask your girlfriend what chores and responsibilities she is comfortable with. Start small and don't overwhelm him. He is not used to too many expectations obviously.

Personally, I think she is lucky that you are willing to take on the role of a step parent, which is a very difficult postiion to be in, particularly if his natural father is in the picture.

If she continues to support him and his stance against chores, there is little you can do.

It would be a shame if he lived his teenage years, not learning from a male influence, and then trying to face the world without the skills he needs to survive.

Firstly the issue you have with the bed-time routine. I don't see a problem here. We have 2 (now adult) children and from being babies until into their teens myself and my hubby would always spend half an hour at bedtime giving them one on one time, usually reading books, but as they got older maybe listening to music and chatting. We took turns with each child so they both got male and female input. Perhaps, instead of trying to make your partner stop, you could offer to spend time with him yourself on occasion if he is receptive. That way you can give him a different style of company without taking it away. In my experience the children get to a point where they just don't want to continue with bedtime routines themselves.

Chores are good for giving responsibility, I agree with you on that. However, if you haven't yet developed a good close relationship with the child then suddenly laying down the law on this sort of thing is going to feel heavy handed.

I think you should work on building a positive relation with him as he is first. Start with the fun stuff not the hard stuff. Play football with him, or whatever activities you might both enjoy. Work on the bonding. Once he, and his mum, feel that you accept him fully and you have a good relationship together then I think they will both be more open to letting you have some input on the bigger things, and the boy may well want to do some things your way once he feels you are close to him.

I can see this from both sides. You want to be involved and have some good ideas on parenting. Your partner has become accustomed to doing things her way. Your suggestions may well feel like criticism of her as a parent, and of her child.

Some counselling might help you both to better understand the other side of the fence and to build some bridges between your two stances.

Thanks for the responses. A little more information:

We had been dating for 5 years before they moved in. Prior to her moving in, she was staying with her parents. So, it's not like I spent much time at her parents' house. After all, once you have your own place why do you ever want to go back to a parents?

About the bedtime thing, I do not agree that just before bed is the time to talk about the day, not with this child specifically. Because the child has anxiety problems about school, I don't think it's smart to bring up stuff about school or what he did during the day. It's time for bed. Maybe kids without anxiety problems will be winding down by talking to their parents, but not this one. This kid gets more wound up. It's not logical to be doing this. My girlfriend also spends at least 30 minutes BEFORE they ever make it to bed spending time with him, which I do think is a good thing.

The kid was seeing a child psychiatrist for the anxiety problems when he was about 9 years old, which helped, but of course it was a battle making him go. My girlfriend used to sleep with him every night and the child psychiatrist thought that was not the right thing to be doing, so over a week's period she got away from that and he ended up going back to bed in his own room.

This was also my first experience living with a girlfriend. So, hindsight is 20/20 and if I had it to do all over again I would have paid much closer attention to some things and laid down the rules well before anybody moved in. But I can't go back now. It is how it is. I just wanted to see if I was being unreasonable.

One of the things that really bothers me is this: I do try to talk to my girlfriend about coming to a compromise, but the problem is that if she feels strongly about something when it pertains to the kid, there will be no compromise. So, even if I have opinions they don't matter. It's extremely hard for me to accept that when it's in my own house. So clearly there are some lines that have been drawn.

The chores thing I will bring up and she shrugs that off, or just says "ok" or "ill think about it" and we never come back to it. The bedtime thing I think I've lost that battle, but every night it bugs the crap out of me. I FINALLY got him to stop calling it "snuggling" just this year. I am sure to women that is cute, but from a male perspective that seems a little sissyish (I'm not trying to sound like a jerk I'm just being honest).

I do not have kids of my own, so this is all new for me. And the boy's father is NOT in the picture and that's a very good thing. The father does not have his life together at all.

I had an absolutely wonderful mother. She raised myself and my sister from my age of 7 and her of 5 by herself. We have turned into a doctor and an engineer. My mom never let us get away with getting out of school by faking sick or not having chores to do, and she was always there to back us up. She did not spend 30 minutes tucking us in but she did tuck us in for a couple of minutes every night, which I don't see a problem with.

I don't know. Everybody grows up and takes from their childhood experience. Clearly mine was different than hers.

I guess what this all boils down to, is when does it start to feel like a family? If I can't take some of the reigns as the parent, then how am I ever supposed to be a parent here? I am not signing on just to be on the sideline and watch things that I feel are being done wrong go and have to keep my mouth shut all the time. That will drive me mad and ultimately destroy the relationship. I don't want that to happen, but I'm also not willing to give this 5 more years. I'm 31 now, not 21. So time isn't slowing down by any means.

I had meant to mention that the anxiety issues he has, could also be helped with adding a bit more to his life by taking away some idle time, and having to focus on something else. At the moment his life revolves around himself, and what he sees are his needs (with his mother), and his needs are being met.

The old statement of ' entitlement' comes to mind here. He has been taught that he needs to only express needs, and they are immediately satisfied. The anxiety issue, while real, is dealt with enforcing it it seems, rather than allowing him the tools to deal with it. For his mother to wind him up by going through his day, right at bedtime seems backwards as well.

If she needs to spend so much time helping him to control his anxiety instead of him progressing to a point where he can control his anxiety himself to a degree, then perhaps it is time to vist a therapist again and discuss these all the problems. I'm curious as to how he handles anxiety through the day at school- and if he is, perhaps her stirring it up again is counter productive. She may be holding him back and keeping him in a place of dependence, rather than independence.

You can't blame yourself for not seeing the finer points of how their relationship works, nor do you have a crystal ball.

But, one thing is certain, while you express your need for some parenting authority, and her inability or reluctance to change added to that, just may be forcing the issue of their relationship to become even stronger.

With her digging her heels in, and her son providing the shovel, the two of them are comfortable for whatever reason, within that bubble they have created. He thinks he needs the excessive parenting, and she thinks she needs to provide it.

Seems like a double negative.

And you cannot influence one, without influencing the behaviour of the other. If you were to do the baseball thing, or go fishing, or do all the things that require you and him to bond, that leaves her out. With her not even entertaining the idea of a positive male influence by that way (unthreatening), she may find that the letting go, even for a little bit, is too much to take.

I don't think it may even be that she doesn't realize that it is a good thing that you are in the picture, maybe it is more that the need they have for each other, with her not letting go, and him not wanting to, is a stronger bond than you thought before you all moved in together.

Change is a very hard thing to do, as is setting boundaries, and expectations, and appropriately responding without caving in all the time. A delicate line is crossed when one or the other asserts themselves, either by way of independence (him), or taking a more active, positive role in effective parenting (her).

I don't see this changing, without some outside help. In a way, she is adding to his diagnosis of being anxious and having anxiety, by over-prescribing herself as the 'cure', which of course, is not going to happen. Change will have to come with some solid advice from the boy's psychiatrist, and I encourage you to suggest that, or some type of family counselling to better establish what is appropriate, and what is not, as far as parenting effectively goes.

It is all to easy to throw in the towel, and I hope that you don't. You have been given an opportunity here to be a father to this boy, and it could very well turn out to be the most rewarding experience of your life. Try not to hinge on whether it is worthwhile, or think that you've made a mistake. If you have committed to both of them, you have a package deal, and all of you need to change the dynamics of the new relationships.

For now, take the pressure of change off her, and consequently her son, and see instead if counselling can't help you and her find a path of compromise that will see some positive change down the road. There are tools and practical advice that will ease your mind, and in the long run, will benefit the child. Pretty obvious what is happening now is not working, so it's time to try something else.

Counselling is a good way to go. I would also try to gain more insight into the nature of his anxiety, whether it is a situational type of thing, or a generalized anxiety. Perhaps she is doing what she was told to do to help him, when he was six years old, and a 12 year old is an entirely different creature.

Hang in there, and get some outside help.

Best of luck.

I love all the advice that you have been given so far, but I have to add some advice from the point of the birth mother. I am a mother of 4 and my oldest 2 are my current husband's stepsons. So I have been where your girlfriend is.

That is a hard question to answer. The more you expect things to change in your direction, the less likely you will see actual changes. By expecting these changes you are creating a bond between them that is only making them push you away. Never EVER come between a mother and her child, it will only backfire on you.


You cannot expect to take ANY of the reigns as a parent in this situation because you aren't a parent. You are the mother's boyfriend, not her husband. You have absolutely no control over how she treats this child at this point in your relationship.


In all due respect, coming from a birth mother, you haven't signed on for anything. She is simply his mother and you are simply his mother's boyfriend. I don't mean to sound rude, but this is how it is when there is no ring or license involved. He's not your stepson at this point and you don't have any rights or responsibilities past the point of being the boyfriend.

You don't mention if she works, if she works and he goes to school, this is a special time for the two of them. I spend a great deal of time with my children at bedtime. My two oldest had anxiety issues as well due to my divorce from their father. It was our special time. Yes, we snuggled. Heck we still "snuggle" from time to time and they are 23 and 22 years old now. Sissys? No... they are Iraqi war veterans. But they love their mother and we have a very special bond that no one will ever break.

As for chores, I never had a strict set of chores for any of my children, but there was a chore list of things that had to be accomplished day-to-day. All of my children, even my 8 year old, are expected to assist in accomplishing that chore list. That cuts down on the boredom of doing the same chores every day. We all take turns getting done what needs to get done.

Again, until you marry your girlfriend you have no rights as to how she raises her child, and even then your parental rights are limited until he accepts you as his stepfather.

You have not really signed on to anything. You have moved her into your house. You are not married to her. You become a family when there is a marriage and before marriage some counseling would help the 3 of you.
You are not going to win telling your girl friend what to do with her child.

In what capacity have you been in the picture for 6 years. That is a long time.

I have to point out a few things. Honestly, I don't think you are going to like them, but you need to realize the damage you are causing between you and your girlfriend.

You DO get zero say, you aren't the child's father. You aren't a family if you aren't married.

You may have "fundamental differences of opinion," however, you don't get an opinion. You aren't the father, nor are you the stepfather. You are merely the boyfriend.

He's not your kid. Get used to that.

If you want what is best for "the kid" then respect him for who he is. The kid... how demeaning can you get? I actually feel for this child.

The kid... there it is again. Not to mention that you are criticizing not only his mother, but your girlfriend.

It IS her ground. She is HIS mother. You are NOT his father. I hope I don't have to repeat that this "situation" is actually different than what you believe it is.

All I hear is... the kid... the kid... the kid. If I were her, and I was at one time, I would be hightailing it out of there. You have no respect for this child. He is a person, a kid is a goat.

Yes, I'm angry about this situation. You are trying to come between a mother and her son. If you continue this way, you will be the one hurt.

I think someone's reading into my usage of "the kid" to mean the boy. I'm not trying to sound distant or be disrespectful, goodness.

I posted this question because I care and I am trying to be there for them and trying to do what I think is best for the child (better? goodness).

If things were as bad as that last poster made it sound, I never would have started the question. I'm not trying to come between them, but what am I supposed to do? Am I just supposed to be on the sideline all of the time and keep my mouth shut? Not have opinions? If I see something going on that I don't agree with and don't feel it is to the benefit of growth for him should I continue not to say something? That seems rather silly to me.

I definitely do want you, J_9, to continue to tell me what you think, because you having been in that situation will give me insight from that point of view. You don't know the entire situation, only what I have posted, and it's obviously a touchy subject for you, but I still would like to hear what you think. I just don't want you to read into something that's not true. Your response does intrigue me though.

Moving on, I think my girlfriend also felt that we would become a sudden 'family' after moving in. She is not big on marriage. I used to be, but the older I get I just don't know. There are a lot of dynamics in this situation. I totally do not mean to degrade or disrespect either of them, but I have to do what's best. Maybe what's best is ending it. But that's why I'm here asking for opinions.

Please do not read into me saying "the kid". I'm not going to post his name. I don't see what difference it is if I say "the kid" or the "boy" or the "child". That's reading a bit into it. Let's not just scratch the surface and try to read into what I'm dealing with here. Obviously J_9 has been in a similar situation and it's probably a touchy subject for this person.

I thank all for your opinions.

Are there any males out there who are in a similar situation? I would like to hear the male's point of view.

Firehawk, I'm sorry I seem to have upset you. However, from a psychological standpoint your use of "the kid" shows a lack of respect for him, to call him "her son" would be more empathetic.

No, this is not a touchy subject for me. My husband and I set up boundaries prior to his relationship with my sons, so we didn't run into these problems.

Yes, I nitpicked, but you have to see this relationship from all standpoints. Until the time you marry his mother you have no rights whatsoever as to criticize or dictate how she raises him.

And as far as coming between a mother and her child, it's like coming between a mother bear and her cubs. If she is a good mother she will protect her child to the end.

Yes, there maybe more dynamics in play here, but we can only post according to the information you have given, we can't read between the lines. Unfortunately, at this website, you cannot dictate who does or does not respond to your questions.

I think you're 'reaching' with the whole 'the kid' text. I just happened to pick those 2 words to refer to the child in this case, THATS ALL. I do think it's a touchy subject for you based on what you said being a mother in a similar situation and being 'angry' at this situation when you only know a few bits and pieces.

You didn't upset me. I'm calm and collective. I just thought you jumped on me prematurely.

I was not trying to dictate who responds or not, but was trying to encourage you to continue to give your opinions to me in this thread because you said the situation angers you, that's all. Again I think you're reading into things.

I don't think I'm trying to come between a mother and her child. I'm trying to help. I don't really see that point of view here. I want the boy to grow up and be the best person he can be, and I do see some things that concern me, that's all, hence my question posted on this forum.

Maybe you are right and I should get zero say, but I think that's a little bit unfair, considering they moved in to my house and I have been in the picture for so long. I don't think there are absolutes in this situation. I don't know if it's fair to say "well she's the mother and you're JUST the boyfriend so you get no say". Maybe it is fair to say, I don't know. The law would say that's the way it is until I get married to her.

Except that, well, I do support them, they moved into my house, and I have been in the picture for half the child's life. So I would think that would give me some say. I'm not attempting to say I should be 50% here but, ugh, I feel like I'm expected to be a parent only when it's convenient and otherwise keep my mouth shut. Maybe this is the dilema for step parents. I don't know.

Had I had it to do over again, I would definitely establish rules and talk about this kind of thing, but this was my first time ever and I can't go back and change time. This isn't a movie. So, all I can do is try to do the right thing.

I'd still love to hear another male's opinion, if they're brave enough to post haha.

I am not sure that establishing rules on parenting would have worked prior to them moving in.

You can, or could have, had some idea, having known the child, kid, boy, or whatever you want to call him (I call mine goofballs), what he was like, and you likely had a good idea of his problems with anxiety. But, the world's of everyone changed, when the next step was taken and you all decided to live together.

A 12 year old cannot predict how that would change his life. As you said, he knew you for half of his life, but his world and where he lived, and the people in it every day, was different. His home was separate from yours, and your lives were not meshed into a family.

My opinion is that when a couple takes on the responsibility of raising a child together, whether it be 'step' or otherwise, it isn't fair to say that yes, you are now going to play a new and more involved role because we are all living together, but, I am the mother and therefore that status gives me the trump card to stop you without question, because he's not your child.

You are now more than a boyfriend to the kids mother, and more than an aquaitance to to him. Maybe that's somewhere between a rock and a hard place. But, you should have some respect, and some input to the basic common denominators in the relationship, with the child being at the top of the list.

We aren't talking about a car here, or who's furniture goes where. We are talking about the life of a child who has a VERY lucky opportunity to have the influence of a father figure in his life (which he hasn't had as you said in your last post about the natural father).

The whole transition into family, regardless of how everybody thought it was going to be, is difficult for anybody. Even without kids, there is a long period in my opinion where everybody simply has to get used to everybody else, and give and take, compromise etc. to make the family work.

I don't see you doing anything wrong. I believe you have the child's best interest at heart, and you were maybe more prepared and willing to take on the obvious role of another adult in the home.

I do see this as a critical juncture though. To try to work out some sort of plan together, you and your girlfriend, that is in the best interest of her son, will require some negotiating, and preferably with some ideas and suggestions from a professional counsellor familiar with what you are going through.

It would be a shame to see the relationship end because you and your girlfriend couldn't find that place of compromise, and come up with a plan together. He is only 12, and my advice would be different if he were 17 or 18, but he is a child, and a child with problems. I'm not so sure (again my opinion), that the mother son relationship itself is healthy for either of them.

Clearly you want to do the right thing. What works for one step parent, is not a blueprint for success with another step parent. Just like no two relationship are the same, and no two people are the same. Some have great success, others don't.

I hope you try counselling, all of you.

Dude, I see you trying to do the right thing, and your heart is in the right place. I do applaud you for that.

This is a huge adjustment for the 12 year old. His life, as he knew it, has taken a 180 degree turn. It takes children much longer to accommodate to something like this. He may see you as taking his mother away from him. Which is actually the furthest from the truth, but that is how the 12 year old mind works.

If you and your gal can't reach an agreement together, counseling would be in the best interest of everyone, particularly your boy who was already experiencing anxiety before this big move.

This is a big change for the child.
You can't just go gang busters and change the rules for everyone because they are living in your home.
I think you and your girl friend should do some counseling to help all of you deal with this new family dynamic.
Had you noticed any of these things with the child before you two moved in together?
6 years is a long time, a lot of things to notice.