My pre-teen son, age 12, already acts like a teenager. He is frequently disrespectful to me and more so to his stepdad (who has been there since he was 4 years old). Sometimes he acts like he doesn't love my husband, who loves and cares for us both. He smarts off a lot and answers our questions with a rude, disrespectful tone. My husband and I want to be peaceful and are worried about what he will be like in 4-5 years if this trend continues. He rarely wants to spend time with us, and thinks the things we enjoy are "stupid". My son is a very bright kid. We have always been very close and still are when he's not in trouble for the attitude. I feel like we are always grounding him and it's not helping. We've tried talking to him and he ends up raising his voice and getting defensive, which just gets himself in more trouble. How do I help him be the light-hearted, fun guy that he is inside.

Hello Ronirae,

Unfortunately, a lot of children around your son's age develop these tendencies. It is probably his time for 'testing you out'.

He probably no longer feels like a child and feels he does not want to be treated like one. He is heading toward his teens and adulthood and feels somewhere between the two. Sort of between the devil and the deep blue see.

There could also be another reason for his being the way he is. For example, is he being bullied at school but is afraid to tell you about it for fear things get worse.

My advice is to wait until he is in one of his more receptive moods, sit him down, remind him of how much you both love him and how it is hurting you to see how he is acting and that it also hurts you to have to discipline him so often.

Try to get him to confide in you about any concerns he may have.

Diplomatically let him know that you are both happy and want to start treating him as an adult and as soon as he starts acting like one, you will.

Good luck.

Cy
(Poseidon)

Give him something to do. Tell him to volunteer and gave him some responsibility. There are the Pet shelters in many communities needing volunteers and other volunteer organizations like Homes for Humanity. Introduce new hobbies to him like building PCs. He might be bored. So, find out his interest.

I am going through the same thing myself. Yes, I ground him too, but he just then mopes around the house saying he's bored and its all my fault. However, I do sit down and talk to him a lot. I never treat him like a child, and always involve him in the decision making so he feels he has responsibility and can make decisions etc. He plays sport and so do I, so we have the same interests. He has had a whole attitude change which is definitely hard to cope with but I understand it is part of the transformation into a teen. Try doing things he likes or wants to do in exchange for him coming along to family events... gain that trust back - good luck! It will get better...

I got some good advice when my son was 12 from his principal... it has served me very well over the past 3 years...

Starting around 12 (7th grade), boys need a lot of time alone. Family members irritate them endlessly, whether they are actually doping anything annoying or not. So, make sure your son gets time and space alone when he needs it. If he shares a room, make sure he gets the room to himself for an hour or two each day if at all possible, or give him another space he can go. Also let him have the house to himself for short times once in a while. Don't force him to go to the store with you - let him stay home by himself - he'll love it.

At the same time, you need to keep these kids connected so that your relationship remains close. Do not have televisions or computers in the kids' bedrooms. If your son needs a computer to do homework in his room, get a laptop that you have to log onto for him to use. This way you can also monitor internet access also. Limit computer and TV time or your kid will be a zombie to these electronics. No food in bedrooms, either. He will emerge from his cave to eat and for the electronics.

Consider your son's interests just as you did when he was little. When our kids are little we bend over backwards finding kid's plays and zoos and playgrounds but at around 11 or 12, they outgrow these things but aren't ready for more adult oriented things, so there's this dead zone where we don't do anything with the kids except drag them to what interests the rest of the family. Pay attention to what your son likes. Take him to see his favorite team. If he's into cars, go to the auto show and find some exotic car dealerships you can take him to. Surprise him with magazines about things that interest him. Continue to find new things for him to try - my son found passions for sailing, golf and cliff climbing when he was 12 - all things he is still really into. I golf with him (if your husband golfs, this could be something fun they could do together as long as it's OK for your son to not be good at it). My son was tired of the family camp-outs until I let him bring a friend and switched to a location where they can climb. It can be a good age to expose kids to more adult things - I took my son to a political rally, to see the opening bell at the stock exchange, to our state capital - explaining each time that I think he's adult enough to learn about these things so he recognized these were invitations into the adult world. It's also been a great few years to expose him to new ethncities - we live near Chicago so I've had the chance to introduce him to all kinds of different foods- eating Afghani food with our hands, trying Sushi, sitting on floor cushions at a middle eastern restaurant and more. I try to plan these things with fun groups of people, like friends who have kids a similar age.

Most of all, don't always grill him or talk about things that weigh heavy on him like school work and chores. Pay attention to what interests him, "I heard that band you like came out with a new CD - is it any good?" Or, "I saw a yellow Lambeurgini today... I could really see you driving one of those some day. Notice good things about him, and realize that just like girls need to be told they are pretty, boys need to be complimented and have their esteem built, too.

Take care!

Here's the good news -this will not last forever - here's the bad news, hang on it will last until he's about 18!

The thing to remember is you are the mom - no matter how much he dislikes your rules, that is just how it is. A lot of parents make the mistake of trying to be their children's friends. They have their own friends, some good and some bad but only one mother.

Just hang in there and remember it's nothing personal! And it is all worth it when he re-emerges from the dark side!

I meant to also share that I was advised to act swiftly, consistently and very calmly (no yelling, nagging, arguing) to bad behavior to avoid the behavior from changing the whole attitude of the household. This has really changed things for the better.

If my son is rude to his step sister, he has to do something considerate to make amends, so that means he has to do her chores as well as his own. If he does not turn off the computer, TV, game system when he's asked, he looses electronic privileges for a week. Chores are tied to his allowance - he has to do them no matter what but the allowance is only paid if he does them without reminder, on time and at a high level of quality, without complaint. If he's being generally rude, he's grounded so he has time to think about how to treat other people and I will explain, "since you are treating others badly I'm doing you a favor and keeping you away from your friends...if you treated them this way you wouldn't have friends". I don't allow brooding, so grounding means time for more chores.

Things that he makes into battles like homework must be done without complaint and well before he's allowed to turn on the television or go out with friends.

The key is not to negotiate on the key things, but to teach him to negotiate when appropriate. Telling you where he is should be non-negotiable for example, but perhaps whether he can stay a little later is something you can negotiate if he asks respectfully and is prepared to make a mature case for himself.