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    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    May 20, 2010, 03:21 PM
    I am smothering my girlfriend help
    [B]I met my girlfriend last year in April 2009. We met online and we were communicating online from 2 distant towns. We had a couple of dates and she decided to move to my town to be closer to me as she wasn't happy where she was living. At first it was bliss for the first 2 months but then things began to emerge. She began to be very needy, texting, calling me, needing me 24/7. She started telling me she loved me but for me this was much too early in the relationship but I went with the flow because I felt chuffed a little that she felt that way about me. I did not feel the same way but I told her I did like her a lot and that my feelings were growing for her. It saddened her that I didn't feel the same way and she then began telling me that for every day I didn't love her, it would kill her love for me and eventually she would feel nothing for me. This immediately put the pressure on me to feel something that I possibly couldn't and I became resentful of her instead of the opposite. To cut a long story short, we had a disastrous year, separated about 3 times and eventually broke up just before Christmas.

    When we separated I felt nothing and decided to just get on with my life. I dated a little and subsequently found out that she was seeing other men too. By February 2010 I felt an enormous sense of loss that the girl who had sacrificed everything just to be closer to me was now dating a guy full time. Awful timing but I was now developing feelings for her which I had never had before. I talked to her, told her how I felt and asked her to take me back like in awful desperate fashion. Quite rightly she rejected my offer saying she was happy in her new relationship and that she had moved on so I walked away with my tail between my legs and felt sorry for myself for a month or so. With the help of friends and a new keep fit regime I eventually snapped out of my depression.
    Oddly enough we became friends even while she was still with her boyfriend. From her body language and what she was telling me, I didn't think this guy was all that interested in her and sure enough shortly after he ended the relationship. As a friend I comforted her through this break up and between one thing and another we got back together agreeing to take things very slowly. One thing was clear and that was she was not the needy, smothering person I had known the year previously. In fact she was quite chilled and happy to have time to herself and pursur her own hobbies on her own.

    I then in a twist of fate started to fall in love with her! Then my heart leaped for joy when she told me in April of this year that she loved me too. We were back together against all the odds and things have been great up until about 2 weeks ago. Like the roles had reversed I have started to become attention seeking, questioning her on how she feels about me with me starting to get moody and throw sulky fits. Every time we argue, I know it's me who's in the wrong but I don't know how to stop myself. I have started to feel when I'm round at hers or when we are together that she is very distant and doesn't want me to be there and that just sets me off giving her grief once again! I really love this girl and don't want to lose her and I know I have to change my ways before it is too late! I write this on the back of another argument we had this evening :( Please,please can someone help me?? (Sorry about length of my letter)
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #2

    May 20, 2010, 03:32 PM

    You've heard the old saying; " What goes round,comes round? Welcome to the real world. Sorry it happened , but it has. Maybe you need to stop being by her like she was by you. Relax and get to know each other.

    It's also a little ironic you didn't feel the passion for her until she fell for someone else. You can't always get what you want. You might get what you need if you chill a little bit.

    I think she still loves you, but maybe she liked you more when you were the hard to get guy. I know I sound like lyrics in a song but think about it.

    Now that the roles are reversed it doesn't feel so great. Hope you all work things out.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #3

    May 20, 2010, 03:33 PM

    Being whiny and clingy is unattractive and off putting ,whether you are male or female.

    You know that love can not be forced and harassing someone into being with you usually gives you the exact opposite results.

    Learn how to curb your emotions and do not rely on another person for your happiness and sense of self.It must come from within first.You can't be a good relationship candidate if you are not together first as a person.

    Be happy in your own skin and by yourself and only then will you be a partner instead of a stalker.

    Remember also that the world will not end if this relationship fails. life will go on and you will survive to love again!
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #4

    May 20, 2010, 03:42 PM

    Why do you want this girl so badly now? You said yourself you all broke up because she was too clingy and she loved you but you didn't feel the same.

    It's a little odd now that she isn't dancing to your tune you want her so badly.
    I agree with Artlady.. never depend on another person to make you happy.

    If it works out , it works out then that's great. I have to wonder, if she starts falling all over herself for you again is that going to turn you off and will you bail on her as you did before.

    In my opinion you are the little boy who screams and rants and raves for a new toy. When you get it you're not satisfied.
    Talk to this woman and both of you lay all your cards on the table.

    Better to know where you stand.
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    May 20, 2010, 04:39 PM

    Thank you kitkat22 and artlady... U are both totally right and I am all those negative things you mention. Tomorrow starts a new day. How do I begin to change my ways before I ruin everything and lose the love of my life? Kitkat22... she is not the needy person I met last year as she has learnt from dating me and a few disastrous dates after that she has only been used and abused. Last year I was just out of a long relationship and I believe I wasn't ready for a new relationship so soon. What I thought what might have been needy, smothering might not necessarily. I wasn't there for her then and treated her very badly. When I had time to go away and reflect, I saw things in a different light. I am trying so hard to make this work that maybe I am overdoing it. Artlady... I am off to find myself and curb my emotions and learn the art of biting my tongue in order to rescue back this relationship. To both of you, please keep the advice coming... I am sincerely thankful to you both. :)
    BlackVY's Avatar
    BlackVY Posts: 823, Reputation: 154
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    #6

    May 20, 2010, 04:49 PM

    In my opinion, she has matured in the relationship sense, where she realizes she shouldn't be needy and clingy. That's good for her. You were there before, but you kind of went backwards.

    Right now, you have to try to be more like the person you were last year, laid back, relaxed and took things as they came.

    You both made the right decision to take things very slowly, but now it seems like you are starting to move quicker than she is. Not good, as she might not take it and just leave. Slow down, relax and see how things go.

    You can't rush love... she did it before, and it ended badly... try not to make the same mistake.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #7

    May 20, 2010, 04:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Confused_2010 View Post
    Thank you kitkat22 and artlady........U are both totally right and I am all those negative things you mention. Tomorrow starts a new day. How do i begin to change my ways before I ruin everything and lose the love of my life? Kitkat22......she is not the needy person i met last year as she has learnt from dating me and a few disastrous dates after that she has only been used and abused. Last year i was just out of a long relationship and i believe i wasn't ready for a new relationship so soon. What I thought what might have been needy, smothering might not necessarily. I wasn't there for her then and treated her very badly. When I had time to go away and reflect, I saw things in a different light. I am trying so hard to make this work that maybe i am overdoing it. Artlady......I am off to find myself and curb my emotions and learn the art of biting my tongue in order to rescue back this relationship. To both of you, please keep the advice coming....I am sincerely thankful to you both. :)





    Good for you... I will tell you this... if she loves you and you want to ask her what you are doing that's annoying ask her. You're on the right track just don't get derailed. Take a few days away from her and loosen up a bit. It's great to meet someone who appreciates constructive criticism.

    Give it time and if it's meant to be it will be. Don't place any rules or emotional baggage on her or yourself. When you find yourself and the person inside you, you will know exactly what I'm trying to convey. It's hard being in a situation like you and she are in. One minute happy, the next minute angry and unsure.

    Give yourself and her some breathing room and you might be surprised at how comfortable and sure you are of your relationship when all is said and done. Good luck and blessings
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    May 20, 2010, 04:57 PM

    BlackVy that's exactly the way I would have liked to explain myself. Thank you sincerely for fantastic analysis and advice :)
    BlackVY's Avatar
    BlackVY Posts: 823, Reputation: 154
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    #9

    May 20, 2010, 05:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Confused_2010 View Post
    BlackVy thats exactly the way I would have liked to explain myself. Thank you sincerely for fantastic analysis and advice :)
    No worries... :)

    All the best, and take it slow... I think this relationship could go somewhere, you both just need to go at the right pace and give it time.
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    May 20, 2010, 05:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    Good for you...I will tell you this...if she loves you and you want to ask her what you are doing that's annoying ask her. You're on the right track just don't get derailed. Take a few days away from her and loosen up a bit. It's great to meet someone who appreciates constructive criticism.

    Give it time and if it's meant to be it will be. Don't place any rules or emotional baggage on her or yourself. When you find yourself and the person inside you, you will know exactly what I'm trying to convey. It's hard being in a situation like you and she are in. One minute happy, the next minute angry and unsure.

    Give yourself and her some breathing room and you might be surprised at how comfortable and sure you are of your relationship when all is said and done. Good luck and blessings
    Kitkat22 I am so glad you were here tonight to advise me with such wisdom. The first step is to take a step back here and provide some space for the both of us. I have a lot of things in my own life I need to catch up on which have been getting left on the long finger way too long. You are a star thank you!
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    May 20, 2010, 05:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BlackVY View Post
    No worries... :)

    All the best, and take it slow... I think this relationship could go somewhere, you both just need to go at the right pace and give it time.
    Thanks again, I really feel it can too ;). This is a great site. Never known support like this. You're all good people!
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #12

    May 20, 2010, 05:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Confused_2010 View Post
    Thanks again, I really feel it can too ;). This is a great site. Never known support like this. You're all good people!!
    You're not so bad yourself... Be sweet and let us know what happens... :)
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    May 20, 2010, 05:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    You're not so bad yourself...Be sweet and let us know what happens....:)
    You bet you Kitkat22. Hitting the sack now... nite, talk to U tomoro :D
    BlackVY's Avatar
    BlackVY Posts: 823, Reputation: 154
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    #14

    May 20, 2010, 05:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Confused_2010 View Post
    You bet ya Kitkat22. Hitting the sack now......nite, talk to U tomoro :D
    Goodnight mate... sleep well... :)
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    May 20, 2010, 05:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by BlackVY View Post
    Goodnight mate... sleep well... :)
    Cheers U too BlackVy :)
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #16

    May 20, 2010, 05:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Confused_2010 View Post
    Cheers U too BlackVy :)
    Night sweetie.. have wonderful dreams... Kit:)
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    May 20, 2010, 07:29 PM

    Night john boy... sorry couldn't resist. :D

    Now that your getting over and accepting she is no longer needy and clingy, you can practice the fine art of thinking twice before you act or speak, and go back to cool, calm, and collected. :cool:

    Its not that hard if you practice it.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #18

    May 20, 2010, 07:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Nite john boy.........sorry couldn't resist. :D

    Now that your getting over and accepting she is no longer needy and clingy, you can practice the fine art of thinking twice before you act or speak, and go back to cool, calm, and collected. :cool:

    Its not that hard if you practice it.



    You make me laugh out loud... My husband looked over and said.. "okay who said what". I think laughter is so good for the soul. I also think this guy is a pretty nice fellow.
    Showme_urmove's Avatar
    Showme_urmove Posts: 319, Reputation: 101
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    #19

    May 20, 2010, 08:28 PM

    When she was so much in love with you, you weren't that much into her cause she gave herself to easily.
    Once she was in the arms of someone else, you decided you need to get back the property that you once owned, then once you had her, you thought it would be the same as before but you realized her feelings were not the same and that made you want her even more.
    You love her now cause you can't fully have her, you think you need her cause she doesn't need you. The more she depart herself from you the more you want her.
    I think the reason why she's on guard is because how you were before, she gave everything up for love but in return you can't give her what she came there for. Now she's being smart and not fully give you all her trust.
    Be there for her, and be the boyfriend that you now want to be for her, don't worry about how she feels but worry about how your feeling. If this girl is really worth your while, then give her what she deserve and that is you being a loving partner. I rather try and fail then fail to never try
    Confused_2010's Avatar
    Confused_2010 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    May 21, 2010, 05:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Nite john boy.........sorry couldn't resist. :D

    Now that your getting over and accepting she is no longer needy and clingy, you can practice the fine art of thinking twice before you act or speak, and go back to cool, calm, and collected. :cool:

    Its not that hard if you practice it.
    First day of positive change. I was chilled and relaxed throughout the day and by this evening my girlfriend was all over me like a rash. Consistancy now is the way forward;)

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