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    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 14, 2010, 09:33 PM
    Daughters who hate their mothers
    "being able to forgive a mother who always causes trouble with grown daughter", my mom always picked men over her children we all left home at the ages of (13 to 15) and now that she's 59 years old with no man in her life, she wants a relationship and all she does is cause havoc between us siblings with me being the only girl and two brothers. And she's caused my brothers to not like my oldest son! My oldest son could only take two months living with her, she portrays selfless and innocent, she's the most trouble making person I've ever know so I really don't want nothing to do with her because she was really never a mother! And now I feel she had the chance to make up for it as a grandmother (5 in all) grandchildren)between one brother and I and she the worst grandmother I've know she does not try at all to focus on them at all. She's a selfish all about herself, My brothers over look her and pull away from me because I can't forgive her how can I when she's one step a head to more hurtful things there's so much more things she's done as we were kids and grown that it would take a book to write, so how do I have a relation ship with my brothers with out her, and them to accept my feelings?
    texxus1's Avatar
    texxus1 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Mar 14, 2010, 09:42 PM

    As her daughter she's probably feeling as if you should forgive her, this is your choice. From experience with my mother being an alcoholic and dope head, I felt compelled to "hate" her for so long.. she's a vegetable now and I only wish I had the opportunity to go back and ask the things I wanted or to get to know the true motive behind her low self esteem.. I would say that you don't need to forget what she's done and maybe not forgive... but you can lay down some rules as an adult and go from there. As for your child and her being a grandmother... 1 its not easy being old and living with a teen, very different mind set on both parts.. 2 they may disagree on a lot, causeing problems in the home.. 3 with her having low self-esteem, despite what she may say, she may act in a childish way and exert her anger or guilt on others. You need to make the right decision for your children and yourself but remember take your opportunity to ask questions, lay down rules, and let things fall in place.
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 15, 2010, 08:23 AM

    "thank you I've tried that and she seems to always start trouble she acts the same way now as she did when she was young, and my son was 21 years old easy going kid not prefect but a good kid, she will not let you get a word in she screams at almost every one but one brother because he gives her money, if he did not then she would be at lot more absent in his life she's been married 3 times and that did not last and ran off her 3 children at a young age and now a 21 year old grand son and the rest of her grand children don't care for her that much, its not just me who see these things and thank the same things about her, I feel some what bad for her because if something happened to her I don't know if I would feel any thing! That sounds mean and cruel but I'm being honest My brothers want to say not so nice things about my son because she lies a lot, and I am like a mother bear with her cubs! Yes I will say when my children are wrong but they have not been around her for 20 and a half years. My kids ages are (21-18-15) I let my kids base there own feelings of others. We moved back so she could have a relationship with them, we been here now 5 months and she has not tried one bit she always makes up reasons for every thing. So I have left it alone because you get what you give! She's the kind of woman that has to make others feel sorry for her and she's the one that causes havoc, she does not and any way want to help better herself all she wants is to talk crap about who ever is not agreeing with her and watch soap Oprah's her whole life. I feel like that's what she's doing with my family and brothers a big Soap Oprah!
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #4

    Mar 15, 2010, 09:26 AM

    I haven't been in your situation but I think if I were, this is what I would do about it:

    1. I would not live with her under any circumstances. I would greatly limit my time with her. You do not have to see her every day, every week or even every month. You need time and space to work through these issues with her.

    2. I would not do any favors for her at her request. I would give her money under any circumstances. I would not permit her to depend on me for anything practical - she's an adult and can figure these things out on her own. I would not let her use her needs to guilt me into anything. If I were to see her, my company would have to be enough for her and if she wanted or expected more from her, I would understand that she is not seeing me for me and would end the contact.

    3. I would join a support group as soon as possible and if I didn't like it, I'd keep trying until I found one that felt right. I would get private counseling as well. I would not let money be a factor - a lot of free support is available and I would find it come hell or high water. I would work on first, learning how to deal with her in a way that protects myself and second, making sure that I don't repeat her mistakes given that she was my role model.

    4. I would meet individually with each of my siblings and let them know, "I am getting professional help to work on my relationship with Mom and I need to work on it in my own time and way. I'd like you and I to be close, but I need our relationship to be separate from her and need you to stay out of the middle of it. Also, I need you to just let it go if I don't want to be at a family event for now. I want to see you but I need to remove myself from her until I learn a better way to manage things with her."

    5. I would work on myself, understanding that as an adult, while my mother might be responsible for not teaching me to live in a healthy way that once I'm an adult, the responsibility to fix whatever's not working in my life is mine alone. If there are issues whether financial instability, relationship problems, difficulties with the kids - whatever - get help with your behaviors and let this problem stop with your generation - don't let your grandchildren grow up like you did.

    6. I would only meet her in public places for short periods until I could manage things better. I would not tolerate the old patterns - guilt trips, pleading for things, desperation and all that craziness - in the conversation. I would not rehash the past with her. If this started I'd just say, "Mom, I came to see you and tell you about the kids and ask how you are doing. I'm not going to have all these other heavy discussions with you today though." If she insists, you can leave - not in a big scene, just say, "Mom, I have to go. I'll call you in a few weeks."

    7. I would forgive her and work on understanding that she wasn't capable of doing better and that she's suffered greatly and paid a tremendous price for the way she's lived her life. I would not feel responsible for fixing her life, and maybe not even for giving her another chance. But I would let it go and move on.

    Best wishes to you and let us know what you decide to do and how it works out for you!
    0rphan's Avatar
    0rphan Posts: 1,282, Reputation: 240
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    #5

    Mar 16, 2010, 03:47 PM

    Hi Cheryl,

    I know people say... well it's your Mum etc etc... but that doesn't mean that she can behave in this manner.
    She appears to be upsetting the whole family, don't put up with it, you all have a life as well.

    Give her a wide berth, get on with your own lives, don't keep returning to her for more of her abusive behaviour.

    You can quite easily keep an eye on her from a distance... she's still your Mum... the odd phone call even, but that's as far as it goes for now, she's controlling all of your lives, this has to stop.

    Maybe if she amends her behaviour in the future, then you can all sit down and discuss the next move.

    Until that time let her do her own thing without using you and the kids as her battering board.

    Takecare
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Mar 16, 2010, 05:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dontknownuthin View Post
    I haven't been in your situation but I think if I were, this is what I would do about it:

    1. I would not live with her under any circumstances. I would greatly limit my time with her. You do not have to see her every day, every week or even every month. You need time and space to work through these issues with her.

    2. I would not do any favors for her at her request. I would give her money under any circumstances. I would not permit her to depend on me for anything practical - she's an adult and can figure these things out on her own. I would not let her use her needs to guilt me into anything. If I were to see her, my company would have to be enough for her and if she wanted or expected more from her, I would understand that she is not seeing me for me and would end the contact.

    3. I would join a support group as soon as possible and if I didn't like it, I'd keep trying until I found one that felt right. I would get private counseling as well. I would not let money be a factor - a lot of free support is available and I would find it come hell or high water. I would work on first, learning how to deal with her in a way that protects myself and second, making sure that I don't repeat her mistakes given that she was my role model.

    4. I would meet individually with each of my siblings and let them know, "I am getting professional help to work on my relationship with Mom and I need to work on it in my own time and way. I'd like you and I to be close, but I need our relationship to be separate from her and need you to stay out of the middle of it. Also, I need you to just let it go if I don't want to be at a family event for now. I want to see you but I need to remove myself from her until I learn a better way to manage things with her."

    5. I would work on myself, understanding that as an adult, while my mother might be responsible for not teaching me to live in a healthy way that once I'm an adult, the responsibility to fix whatever's not working in my life is mine alone. If there are issues whether financial instability, relationship problems, difficulties with the kids - whatever - get help with your behaviors and let this problem stop with your generation - don't let your grandchildren grow up like you did.

    6. I would only meet her in public places for short periods of time until I could manage things better. I would not tolerate the old patterns - guilt trips, pleading for things, desperation and all that craziness - in the conversation. I would not rehash the past with her. If this started I'd just say, "Mom, I came to see you and tell you about the kids and ask how you are doing. I'm not going to have all these other heavy discussions with you today though." If she insists, you can leave - not in a big scene, just say, "Mom, I have to go. I'll call you in a few weeks."

    7. I would forgive her and work on understanding that she wasn't capable of doing better and that she's suffered greatly and paid a tremendous price for the way she's lived her life. I would not feel responsible for fixing her life, and maybe not even for giving her another chance. But I would let it go and move on.

    Best wishes to you and let us know what you decide to do and how it works out for you!
    :)
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 16, 2010, 05:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by 0rphan View Post
    Hi Cheryl,

    i know people say ...well it's your Mum etc etc....but that doesn't mean that she can behave in this manner.
    She appears to be upsetting the whole family, don't put up with it, you all have a life as well.

    Give her a wide berth, get on with your own lives, don't keep returning to her for more of her abusive behaviour.

    You can quite easily keep an eye on her from a distance...she's still your Mum.....the odd phone call even, but that's as far as it goes for now, she's controlling all of your lives, this has to stop.

    Maybe if she amends her behaviour in the future, then you can all sit down and discuss the next move.

    Until that time let her do her own thing without using you and the kids as her battering board.

    Takecare
    :)
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 16, 2010, 06:34 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cheryl40 View Post
    :)
    "thank you, for all your time and understanding". I will yes need counseling! And my children, husband and I have a great relationship I was determined that it would not go on! In my house hold, I've been married 21 years to the same man, we have 3 children 21,18,15. They are confident individuals. The problems that I have with my brothers is our mother seems to play one ageist the other and they do not see it or she is now using my oldest son and he stays away but she brings things up about when he stayed for 2 months with her he tried to stay away then as much as possible. I'm very protective of my three even more as they get older. So I feel my brothers should not believe her when she's talking crap about some one. And they should not come back at me like they are angry with My child, and they have not ask his side on it, or care to no. I then stand on any behalf of my children. We have not been around the family for 20 and a half years living wise we just moved back in the last 5 months and never seen so much havoc in my life! "thank you again, any of your time of help is appreciated. Cheryl.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Mar 17, 2010, 09:30 AM

    I am of the opinion that adults should behave like adults. When there are extremes, particularly in families that have been estranged for so long, it sets the tone for what is to come, and it is a free for all.

    Hurt feelings, history, lack of good parenting when young, siblings not seeing eye to eye, and now themselves with adult children, is a recipe for disaster all the way around.

    Being a mother, then being a grandmother is a natural progression for a woman who has had a lifelong bond with her children. When that bond was broken, and ties were severed, it is next to impossible to step back into everyone's life, and be the mother, and now a grandmother.

    We learn to change with relationships with our children as they grow into adults and have lives of their own. Seeing them now is not seeing anybody for who they are, they are essentially strangers.

    You and your siblings are going to react differently, each of you, to your mother. While you feel obligated (naturally) to set the record straight, you are altering what could be their relationships with her, and each other.

    Try to establish yourself and yourself only. You have a loving husband, great kids, no problems or experiences similar to what you had growing up. You've lived a different life, and a successful one. That is all you should be concerned with. Try not to interject how she is manipulating your siblings, because chances are none of you will ever agree.

    Learn to bite your tongue when discussions of her come up, and as don'tknownuthin has said, be very clear in your expectations of her while in your company, or your home, or with your children. I understand that you will feel very protective, but allow her time with your children, but set boundaries of when, and how much.

    The only situation you can control is what you have control over, and that is yourself, and your decisions as to how you will allow her in your life.

    Maybe for now try to have her agree to just a family dinner once a month, with your siblings, with everyone there, and NO talk of the past, or any current differences of opinion. Keep it light with no pressure, and see where that goes.

    When you feel in control and can reasonably anticipate how she will behave with boundaries and expectations in place, you may choose to increase time with her, or decrease time with her.

    Bottom line, this is your life, and you are in control of it.
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Mar 18, 2010, 07:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by jake2008 View Post
    i am of the opinion that adults should behave like adults. When there are extremes, particularly in families that have been estranged for so long, it sets the tone for what is to come, and it is a free for all.

    Hurt feelings, history, lack of good parenting when young, siblings not seeing eye to eye, and now themselves with adult children, is a recipe for disaster all the way around.

    Being a mother, then being a grandmother is a natural progression for a woman who has had a lifelong bond with her children. When that bond was broken, and ties were severed, it is next to impossible to step back into everyone's life, and be the mother, and now a grandmother.

    We learn to change with relationships with our children as they grow into adults and have lives of their own. Seeing them now is not seeing anybody for who they are, they are essentially strangers.

    You and your siblings are going to react differently, each of you, to your mother. While you feel obligated (naturally) to set the record straight, you are altering what could be their relationships with her, and eachother.

    Try to establish yourself and yourself only. You have a loving husband, great kids, no problems or experiences similar to what you had growing up. You've lived a different life, and a successful one. That is all you should be concerned with. Try not to interject how she is manipulating your siblings, because chances are none of you will ever agree.

    Learn to bite your tongue when discussions of her come up, and as don'tknownuthin has said, be very clear in your expectations of her while in your company, or your home, or with your children. I understand that you will feel very protective, but allow her time with your children, but set boundaries of when, and how much.

    The only situation you can control is what you have control over, and that is yourself, and your decisions as to how you will allow her in your life.

    Maybe for now try to have her agree to just a family dinner once a month, with your siblings, with everyone there, and no talk of the past, or any current differences of opinion. Keep it light with no pressure, and see where that goes.

    When you feel in control and can reasonably anticipate how she will behave with boundaries and expectations in place, you may choose to increase time with her, or decrease time with her.

    Bottom line, this is your life, and you are in control of it.
    :d
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Mar 18, 2010, 07:52 AM

    Wow that is wonderful advice now with doing that how do I accept when she always finds not so nice things to say to cause Havoc about my young adult children to others in the family? She always wants to be negative about someone and I hate negativity! I try to see half full instead of half empty.
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    dabrahamson Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Mar 18, 2010, 11:23 AM

    As a mother that is having a bad time because my oldest daughter won't have anything to do with me or my husband or her sister, I will say this. You are an adult and it is ultimately your life and you must do the best for you, but , I have 2 grandchildren I can't see or talk to because my daughter won't talk to me or allow me to talk to them. It hurts intensely and we don't really understand what we did so bad. We don't drink, do drugs and we never beat our kids. She had some issues when she was young that she hasn't dealt with and when my mom died she felt I should feel more for her losing her grandma than me losing my mom. On that note, I can never call my mom, or talk with her or visit ever again except at her grave and I'm very thankful for the time I did have with her. I miss her immensely every day!! Once they're gone it's too late, don't wait for that and have regrets. We all make mistakes and we all do the best we can and sometimes we feel anger for things that we don't quite understand but we need to talk these things over with the person we're angry with. My daughter doesn't even know why she's mad at us she just things we're nasty evil people with no reason?? How do you figure that out? Anyway, for your own soul and heart try to find a place in yourself where you can at least give her some time with you and her grandkids, it's important! It will also prevent you from having any regrets. Listen at 59, I'm 53, we don't know how long we have on this earth. Don't wait until it's too late. Hope this helps.
    From a hurting mother missing her own daughter and grandkids.
    cheryl40's Avatar
    cheryl40 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Mar 18, 2010, 06:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by dabrahamson View Post
    As a mother that is having a bad time because my oldest daughter won't have anything to do with me or my husband or her sister, I will say this. You are an adult and it is ultimately your life and you must do the best for you, but , I have 2 grandchildren I can't see or talk to because my daughter won't talk to me or allow me to talk to them. It hurts intensely and we don't really understand what we did so bad. We don't drink, do drugs and we never beat our kids. She had some issues when she was young that she hasn't dealt with and when my mom died she felt I should feel more for her losing her grandma than me losing my mom. On that note, I can never call my mom, or talk with her or visit ever again except at her grave and I'm very thankful for the time I did have with her. I miss her immensely every day!!! Once they're gone it's too late, don't wait for that and have regrets. We all make mistakes and we all do the best we can and sometimes we feel anger for things that we don't quite understand but we need to talk these things over with the person we're angry with. My daughter doesn't even know why she's mad at us she just things we're nasty evil people with no reason??? How do you figure that out?? Anyways, for your own soul and heart try to find a place in yourself where you can at least give her some time with you and her grandkids, it's important!! It will also prevent you from having any regrets. Listen at 59, I'm 53, we don't know how long we have on this earth. Don't wait til it's too late. Hope this helps.
    From a hurting mother missing her own daughter and grandkids.
    Sorry for your hurt, but my kids are young adults and I always let them have there own feelings on others if they want to be around her then that theirs choice my mother picked man over her children and really she did not want to be a mother and how I feel is you have one chance to be a mother. We are all adults now she had and has a chance to be a grandmother and she does not take the opportunity to be a grate grandmother. She's blowing that, unless its benefits her totally in every thing then she causes havoc. Also my brothers and I left home at the ages of 13to15 years old her oldest grandson age 21 could only handle living with her for 2 months then he left because she treated him like a dog which she has a dog and she treats that dog better then her kids and grandkids so that's some of it! She's a very half empty instead a half full being.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #14

    Mar 18, 2010, 07:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by cheryl40 View Post
    wow that is wonderful advice now with doing that how do I accept when she always finds not so nice things to say to cause Havoc about my young adult children to others in the family? she always wants to be negative about someone and I hate negativity! I try to see half full instead of half empty.
    I don't know how people manage to find something to complain, or nitpick about like your mother does. Especially hard since you probably don't see it coming, and neither do your children. All you can do is react to being blindsided.

    Maybe try to come up with a plan with your kids. Sit down with them and explain that when hurtful words or comments are made, she is stirring the pot, and let everyone agree to not respond to her negative remarks. She'll get the picture soon enough. But, if you all keep just hoping that she will change her attitude, it really is setting yourself up for more heartache.

    Take control, and this is a good lesson for your kids too, to also take control over how somebody's words can affect them, and how to handle it. It doesn't matter what she said, because none of it is justified, it matters only how they respond to her. Not a bad thing to learn as they head out into this world and will face similar personalities in the workforce, with neighbours, etc. It is a conflict, and they can resolve it, and take charge of their own reactions.

    It will take time, but the effort will be worth it. You'll be left with your mother knowing that nobody is going to put up with her nonsense, and she has no power and control over any of you. What will be left is perhaps a more enjoyable time with her.

    Let's hope so.
    ladybird101's Avatar
    ladybird101 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 19, 2013, 04:31 AM
    I have learned over the years that adult children hate their mothers for their own
    Shortcomings, failures, guilt trips. They will always have their mothers
    To blame for their problems and troubles, but not themselves.

    It is for more easier to hate than it is to love. I think that Mothers can forgive their
    Adult children a thousand times a day. The children will still always find
    Fault in their mothers and never bring themselves to forgive even once in a day.

    All those daughters out their who hate their mothers, need to move on. Your
    Mother didn't bring you into this world to be a victim and you the victimizer.
    I have been a victim of all of my (3) daughters hate for many years.

    They use my grandchildren as weapons of war!! Not allowing me to see
    Them for years and years at a time. I only communicate with them
    On Facebook. It is a sad day when grandmothers can only communicate
    With their grandchildren on Facebook. It's a sad day.

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