I really need some help. I have a 27 year old daughter that hasn't spoken to us for 2 years. It all started when my Mom died in 2006. My daughter felt I should not be upset myself but that her losing her Grandma was way more important. She also accused me of taking all my Mom's money so there was nothing left for her. This was all not true but that's how she saw things. She has also married a man 30 yrs older than her and he has father 2 children with her. My grandchildren that I don't get to see. My granddaughter is turning 5 and a grandson we've never met will be 2 in August. I've been told by other family that her husband has had a lot of influence over her not talking to us. Probably because he knows he shouldn't be with her at his age and her age as he has children older than her and grandchildren older than their 2 kids. I've also heard she left him and ended up with someone else and is now pregnant with this other guys kid and left him also. So as far as I know, she's alone on welfare with maybe 3 babies. We are very concerned about her. She has blocked us on Facebook and email and will not call us at all. Says if anyone in the family tells us anything she won't talk to them either. She won't even talk to her sister. This has all of us extremely upset. Not sure if she's doing drugs, she did at one time. Not sure if she's OK and don't know what to do. My husband says just forget her and let her live her own life, so does my mother in law, who does hear from her but won't tell us anything. Am I being stupid beating myself up and missing her sooo much. I miss my granddaughter, that we saw 7 hours after being born and a couple of times after that. Not seen her since she was 2. How do you learn to live with this, without your child and grandchildren. My family never had such a thing, family was always the most important. And my daughter used to call us everyday or every other day then something happened. Last time we talked she didn't know why she was so mad at us but that we are evil nasty people and she doesn't want us in her life. I'm very upset and don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated.

Unfortunately you can't force her to have contact with you if she doesn't want that and you can't get information from people who aren't willing to give it. You can only hope that someday she will decide to contact you again at least for your grandchildrens sake. I really hope things work out the best for you.

I feel for you. It's really tough knowing you have grandchildren and can't see or hug them. And for a daughter to be so estranged is a terrible thing.

It sounds like you've done your best to contact her and be there for her. You can lead a horse to water, you know, but you can't make it drink. This particular horse hasn't even gotten to the water yet. Unfortunately, you're going to have to be patient and wait.

Meanwhile, do you have a will? Is your daughter (and other children?) named in it? You might want to set up a trust because I'm guessing your daughter will be most interested in what financial help you can give her. By all means, help her and the children, but don't be a doormat, and even consult a lawyer or CPA if you have any decent amount of money invested or in accounts. I'm talking about money mostly because that always seems to be what it comes down to.

Meanwhile, continue to reach out to your daughter as wisely and as reasonably as you can. But be careful.

I'm hoping others wiser than I will see this question and will respond. I'll PM a few experts whom I know will give you good advice.

I agree with the others. You could make an effort by sending a quick note just to say, "I love you and am here for you and the children. I would like to see all of you. It's been too long, and while we'll always have differences, we are family. We can agree to disagree and still be here for one another". Let her know that you'll leave it up to her to contact you and if she doesn't, you'll know she doesn't want to see you.

If she's doing drugs, it's a whole different deal - then I'd suggest you get professional help to stage an intervention, arrange care for her children and get her into treatment. I know - easier said than done, and she has to be willing to go for it.

Take care and I'm sorry you have to endure this hardship.

There is obviously something wrong - I have seen interventions absolutely blow up in people's faces.

Legally there is little you can do. Some States do allow Grandparents to visit with Grandchildren but that is almost always when there is a divorce.

I agree that you should plan your estate based on the circumstances as they exist now.

I truly don't know at what point you stop reaching out. Sometimes you can only get slapped so many times before you just back off.

Sometimes psychologically, we put all our anger on one person's shoulders, even if they don't deserve it. I know I do that with my husband, anything I am angry about he is responsible for, until I am ready to deal with it. Fair-no. But, anger has to go somewhere.

Her anger toward you is unreasonable, and unjustified. You don't know the reasons, and she probably doesn't either. Perhaps she is resentful of the way her life hs turned out, resentful at lost opportunities, lost dreams and goals. She probably feels she's screwed up her life, there is no happiness in it, and she is unwilling to turn it around.

That may be because she doesn't think there is hope, and that she has alienated her family to such an extent she could never ask for help. Sometimes too, misery is a comfortable place to be, because you don't expect anything from yourself, and you don't have to worry about others putting on the pressure to change.

And change is a monumental task- for any of us. Most of us are full of good intentions to lose weight, dump the boyfriend, start taking courses, etc. but to make a permanent change in your life is not easy to do.

While she has made the choice to alienate herself, try not to jump to any conclusions such as she's using drugs, or she's putting her children in danger. All your information is second hand, and until you are aware of facts, think positive.

My advice to you is to use good old letter mail, if you have an address. Write to her about what's going on in your life, her siblings, counsins etc. Keep it light, but extend that communication to keep her in touch with life 'on the other side'.

If you cannot contact her directly, ask her ex mother in law to pass it on to her, or copy it iin an email and send it to her.

Send it once a week. Try to keep it light and non judgmental. If she refuses your mail, keep it in a shoebox. You will feel better trying, and someday, she will read those letters.

My heart really breaks for you. I realize how all consuming this is in day to day life, especially with grandchildren involved.

Do you have grandparent rights where you live?

For now, keep your head up. None of this will make sense until she comes around, and only she can make that call.

Please post and let us all know how you are doing.

Thank you so much for your answers! It is very difficult and I feel that the longer we have no contact the further away we get from each other. The last time we talked, 2 yrs ago, she didn't know why she was mad or didn't want to talk to us. We have tried emailing, we don't have an address for her and we have no access. We love our daughter very much and Jake 2008 I really appreciate your input! We have grandparents rights but I guess she has to come around herself. I just pray she's all right and the kids are as well. Somehow, someday I hope our paths will cross.

Sometimes it just helps to know that you are not alone. I wish I knew why our kids turn on us so drastically, but all you can do at this stage of the game is wait. Time and patience, she'll come around again.

Many of us can share somewhat of what you are feeling here. Hopefully that understanding will lift the load for you a little bit.

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My advice to you is to use good old letter mail, if you have an address. Write to her about what's going on in your life, her siblings, counsins etc. Keep it light, but extend that communication to keep her in touch with life 'on the other side'.

If you cannot contact her directly, ask her ex mother in law to pass it on to her, or copy it iin an email and send it to her.

Send it once a week. Try to keep it light and non judgmental. If she refuses your mail, keep it in a shoebox. You will feel better trying, and someday, she will read those letters.

I think this is excellent advice! Make your own life the focus of the letters. Don't ask questions. Be chatty - its easier to come back into a chatty relationship than into one that's heavy and emotionally charged.
Now I have just to take the advice myself! I feel that if I have a great, (or good enough) life, when she does look in my direction when she is ready to do tha,t she will like what she sees.

It is amazing to be able to share and get help like this - thank you to all who contribute!