My husband passed away just over three years ago from cancer. He was diagnosed when our daughter was three weeks old and passed away just before she turned two. I am now a thirty year old devoted single mom. I struggled a lot with the death of my husband as he was my best friend and the person I was closest to. To complicate my situation a bit - and I am adding it in as it's relevant to my story - I am completely blind in one eye and have limited vision in the other eye. I am however a multimedia graphic designer - a profession I chose as I am able to work on the computer with the screen rather close and am rather artistic. The reason why I mentioned all this is that with the death of my husband, my independence in just doing rather normal things - such as getting to work, taking my daughter to school and other places (I cannot drive with my eyesight) - that I had with him in my life was of course now gone. Because we did everything together when he was alive, me not driving was never really an issue but after he passed away I began to have to rely a lot on relatives for assistance to get us around. This resulted in my having to often leave my daughter for the night with grandparents etc. as it seemed such an inconvenience for everyone to drop her off at home if it was late at night after I had to finish what I was doing. This happened for the first two years after he passed away and soon I began to notice that my daughter's Godparents - my late husband's brother and his wife - who have no children of their own by choice - were starting to want her more often than was necessary and almost demand and expect to have her when they want, as if it was a right of theirs. They would also take her out without inviting me along and then drop her off at their convenience, which was more often than not; hours after the time I had asked them to bring her back. I started to feel that they were taking advantage of the situation with regard to my nature in letting them have her so much as well as the fact that I could not pick her up myself. The problem that exacerbated it for me was that with the assistance I was getting I also felt uncomfortable to tell them how I felt and even a bit beholden to them. What changed for me was that I decided earlier this year to hire a driver to drive me in the car that that was my late husband's which totally changed my lack of independence and sort of made the whole situation of my life and my daughters a bit more normal. The consequence was of course that I was now no longer asking for their assistance and so therefore now seeing them as often. The result however is that I am being called vindictive as they are now only occasionally seeing my daughter - as much as the other Aunts and Uncles are. What makes it worse for me is that they want personal time her without me included and usually on weekends. I feel that my daughter and I have our own lives together - and I want to spend that time with her especially as I work full day in the week so evenings with her until she goes to bed in the week are rather short. I hate dumping her at everyone and would rather that she and I do things together. She is only 5 and I just feel their interest in her is a bit like two people who want to be her parents rather than two loving Godparents - it's upsetting me and making me feel possessive which I hate. Am I wrong?

Have you considered moving to where there is mass transit available, bus lines, mobility transit for disabled, subway and more.

Hi Fr-Chuck

Thanks so much for your response :)

The transpost is no longer the problem as since I have hired a driver I can now get around when I need to. I actually live in South Africa in Johannesburg and while the city is very large, our transpost system is not at all up to scratch and is actually very dangerous so I need to use a car with a driver to get my daughter to school and then me to work. My own family help a lot as well but it gets a bit much for people especially if it's out of their way so this driver thing is working so well.

The problem is that before I became independent in this way I was relying not only on my family, but on my late husbands' family a lot to assist me which is why they saw so much of my daughter. I was also involved in our church a lot (singing, playing drums, doing artwork for ministries etc) which I have also stopped a lot of to spend more time with her now that she in getting older. Because of my attentions her school has commented that they are seeing a vast improvement in her confidence.

The problem is that because this Aunt and Uncle are no longer seeing her every week as before, they are saying they now need to set up some sort of regular time with her that is fixed. I almost feel like I got divorced and am being asked for visiting rights!

On top of that before my husband passed away we decided together that if I died this Aunt and Uncle would be her guardians. I ended up dating a man last year and not long afterward this began the Godparents wanted to speak to me privately and find out if I had changed my will or if they were still my daughters guardians should I die. Because of this I have changed my will without them knowing (as I really don'y think it is their business) and have made my sister the guardian should I die.

I am very grateful for everyone's help and I know they love her as they really treat her well but seeing this side of them toward myself has changed my view of them. They are no longer loving people but actually ugly people in my eyes.

I just don't want to be mean because I am feeling hurt and so make it all about me without thinking of my daughter but at the same time there should be some boundaries... some decency?

I wrote in yesterday as about three weeks ago I agreed to have a meeting between myself, them and our minister where we discussed everything. I basically said that if they want to see my daughter at the moment it will have to be with me there just like everyone else and that if I left her with them alone it would be at my convenience and when I felt more comfortable. I also expressed that I no longer trusted them and that we need to work on that. They were not happy as they just wanted everything to be resolved their way but it was a start.

Yesterday my daughter stayed with her grandmother (my late husband's mom) as it's holidays here and I went to work. I ended up being able to leave almost two hours early so I phoned to tell the grandmother that I was on my way to fetch my daughter only to find out she had taken my daughter to the Botanical gardens which are about 45 minutes away from her house to spend the day with this Aunt and Uncle. She seemed flustered on the phone which tells me they meant to keep it from me. What riles me is that I was not told or asked and it seems to have been done in a rather underhanded way.

I've searched on the web to see if anyone out there has a similar problem but most stories are about widows who seem to have relatives that are uninterested not too interested especially in the kids. My family invite both of us round to see us. This Aunt and Uncle though just want her almost like they want to playi happy families while I am not there. It just doesn't seem right and is making me angry. Where do I draw the line without being selfish?

Thanks

What a ridiculous situation! I can understand that relatives want to spend time with your daughter but surely being secretive and possessive isn't going to endear you to them?

I think that another meeting with the Minister is called for and that you need to put in writing what their visiting rights are. Any transgression of these rights, without prior negotiation, will mean that aunty and uncle won't see their niece. Ditto for grandma.

The other thing you may want to consider is seeing a lawyer and putting the agreement in the legal form of 'access' rights.

Perhaps you also need to have grandparents and other relatives visit you for a while and include other young children so that it takes the focus off your daughter.

It's up to you to be very clear what your boundaries are regarding access to your daughter, and if that means that you also need to be present, so be it. Just tell them, put it in writing, whatever, then stick to it. They won't like it, but what choice do they have?

Indeed, this is YOUR daughter.

Any visitation has to be cut and dried with regard to dates, times, and particularly activities that involve going out of town.

They are very nervy.

I think Gemini's answer to have it put in writing is a great idea. Write down what you will and will not accept, and what you will not negotiate.

They can take it or leave it.

You have done all the right things thus far - hiring a driver to eliminate your dependence on them, and then meeting with the minister. In sneaking around, they violated your trust so flat out, she doesn't see them without you present. If they can't make it pleasant by being respectful and inclusive of you, you don't have to go, nor does your daughter.

For the time being, I would not permit any visits with them unless you are present the whole time because they have proven to be manipulative and inappropriate. You've laid out the expectations and they are not invited to "negotiate" or go behind your back with your daughter.

Their treatment of you is really insensitive and rude, and it's very unfortunate that they would take advantage of your disability as they have.

My opinion on all of this is that your still in the balancing stages of your life. Its extremely tough to lose someone so close to you. And now that your living with it and dealing with the aftermath you feel an even stronger bond to your child. The other side is that the family he left behind also misses him too. And their only real connection to him is your child. Your doing great and your standing your ground. But your going to have to find balance in order to find peace. They shouldn't go behind your back to see your child. A simple phone call could make all the difference. Maybe instead of trying to put things in writing etc you might just think of making a communication pact. After all that is really what your looking for. If you say she needs to be home by 7 then they need to meet that expectation. If they want to all meet and go somewhere when the child is with another relative ( like grandmother ) then they should call and tell you. That way you can if you like adjust your plans or confirm them. They need to respect that its your home and your castle and you're the queen of it. Sitting down in a nuetral place was a good idea so long as they don't feel intimidated by it. Maybe in extending the hand and trying to see things their way it might help. They may fear that once you do start dating and if you were to get serious then you may disappear from their lives altogether. So if you notice this is all revolving around fear.. both yours and thiers. That's why communication is paramount. And cudos to you for reaching out and not trying to tackle this on your own.