I have a 10 mo. Old healthy granddaughter who was born prematurely. My son is her father. I was there at her birth. My husband and I each spent overnights helping and later, full days alone caring for the for the baby when mom went back to work. Other relatives pitched in as well. I took care of the baby full time at my house for 5 weeks last summer. The other grandparents arrived late summer from out of the country and are living with my son and daughter in law to help with child care for 6 months. I had continued to take the baby to my house 1-2 days per week to give the other grandparents a break and to continue to have a close relationship with my granddaughter. My husband would sometimes stop home from work to spend a little time with the baby. I was getting to know the other grandparents well and it seemed like we had a good cooperative relationship. I kept to a fairly regular schedule until suddenly one morning my daughter in law called to say I could no longer take the baby. She said I could come to their house to see her. She said the baby was acting differently after being at my house and sometimes had dilated eyes after we brought her back (recently it was dark out when we brought her). I asked my daughter in law if she could relate this to anything else such as that I was asked several times on my days to take the baby to the doctor to get her vaccines. My daughter in law said she couldn't point to anything in particular or describe the changes in the baby's behavior. She mentioned that my husband recently cared for the baby by himself (with her permission) as if it might be adding to the problem.
My husband and I had a meeting with my son and daughter in law to try to find out what is going on and to tell her we are very hurt by this situation. My daughter in law admitted that she had never observed anything strange herself and that she was going by what her mother reported. Apparently, her mother is scared that my husband may have been abusive to my granddaughter. She refused to come to the meeting to talk about it. My son says he hasn't observed anything unusual. He and my daughter in law are at a stand off. I told them they need to learn how to make decisions together. They went to a counseling session... we'll see. In the meantime my husband refuses to go over there to see the baby. I went over because I want to keep my relationship with my granddaughter because it is good for both of us. I feel so helpless. Is there any way to improve this?

It seems they are the ones with the problem, and it seems to be the other grandparents, which is sad. No nothing you could, or should be doing, other than the grand moms talking this over.

You are probably right. I tried to communicate with the other grandparents when I was over there last. They do not speak english very well, especially the grandma. I have learned some of their language to make it easier to undertsand each other. I a gave her a written statement of my feelings written in her language using a web translator and spent about a half hour with the grandpa using the translator to make sure my words were understood. It is so frustrating. It is possible the grandma saw my son and her daughter fighting and decided she would make sure she had control of the baby.

Not knowing where the other grandparents are from but I was wondering if they may think like this. My friend's girlfriend is from Puerto Rico and she said that in PR culture any man in the family is not allowed to be left alone with ANY female child for fear of abuse (not sure if she meant physical or sexual or both) Do you think maybe that is the reason the grandmother said this about your husband? Just throwing that out there. I do not think your husband abused his granddaughter.

As far as I know this is not a cultural thing with the other grandma. It seems that my desperate daughter in law is using this situation to gain power in her relationship with my son. He had threatened to come home from work and bring the baby to my house as usual. He did not do it. (should not have threatened to either) She was so scared that she came home from work that day and became hysterical when I took her up on her offer to see the baby at their house.

Since I am having similar problems, I don't know what to say about our adult children that "assume" the worst about their parents and this is so hurtful. If anyone out there has any great answers, I would appreciate you stopping by and answering my question. With regard to this one, I can only say you are not alone and that is very sad. I hope the best for you... if I figure something out, I will let you know!

This is something for your son to deal with. I think that you need to butt out and let him deal with his wife, his child and his marriage.

I think that grandparents sometimes focus too much on grandchildren and forget the people that gave birth to them!

It seems as if all the grandparents are vying to get time with the baby and I feel that you're all doing far too much. (I mean it's a single grandchild, surely your son and DIL can cope with what's required? ) Now your DIL's mother is clearly jealous and is trying to cause problems.

I would back away from it all and let them deal with it. Your husband is rightly concerned - given the stupid accusations of abuse - and has decided not to participate in it.

Your son and DIL are going to counseling - let them work it out - together. It's time for you to allow your son and his wife some personal time in their marriage, with their child, and let them deal with whatever issues are happening.

Back off grandma! (no offense intended) I know you mean well, but you're all making the situation worse. It's not your child and it's not your marriage. Let go of the apron strings and let them grow up.

My son and DIL do not have any personal time together. Her parents are living with them and the baby in a 2bdrm house. They are planning to leave to go back home the third week in Jan. I was told by both my son and DIL that the counseling was not helpful and they will not be going back. My son emailed to say my DIL has agreed that the baby is allowed back to our house. I am waiting until I know they decided this together. My son and DIL both work very long hours and many weekends on a side business. They do not get much time with my granddaughter either. They have so much stress from every direction especially financial.

I think your kids will reach what they think is the best course of action for them, and for sure they don't need any added stress from the older group.

You must give them time, and space, to make adjustments to deal with their situation, simply because they are the ones who have to live it. Its so unfair to think they can please everyone, isn't it? Heck they can barely please themselves right now.

Sound reasoning!
Ain't that the truth. Guilty!

I think it's adviseable that you and your husband only see the baby when her parents are present, and avoid the other in-laws as they have made hurtful accusations against you.

If they ask you to babysit, tell them "no, that will not be possible now or in the future because these allegations were serious and we will not put ourselves in a position where we can ever again be accused of such a thing - I hope you've learned something".

It's a hard line, but even though this is your grandchild, people have been ruined by such scurilous, unfounded accusations by family members. It's far more than a misunderstanding.

Wow, I totally agree with dontknownuthin. You shouldn't put yourself in such a vulnerable position. You should enjoy your grand child only in the presence of your son and his wife and avoid the in-laws who made the accusations. It is such a sad situation, but I agree, now it is much more than a misunderstanding, you need to protect yourself as you are obviously not dealing with just those who love, know and trust you anymore, so you need to not put yourself in a position for this nonsense to happen again.

There is never an easy answer, but you are not alone trust me. We are having to deal with our son's fiancé siding with my husbands ex of 29yrs. We have 11 grandkids. Our son's fiancé wants to remain on the great side of the ex since they live closer to her, out of her own mouth. So I'm done, if our son see's what's going on and allows it then shame on him, if he doesn't we are not going to be the ones to bring trouble to his life... this comes from experience.For the ones that are saying stay out of it grandma etc must be younger ones because until you are a grandparent you will never understand the pain and betrayal. As soon as she needs you again trust me she will be calling but don't be so quick to respond. Don't settle being someone they need around and not want around.