I know I am new here but I desperately need some advice! Me and my girlfriend of 3.5 years split up a couple months ago, and haven’t even talked to each other. It's a crazy story so feel free to continue to read.

So here it goes...

My girlfriend (we'll call her Sara) had a friend (we'll call her Michelle) that she was going to college with, whom I eventually became friends with as well. So myself and Michelle started to text back and forth on a fairly regular basis. After some time our texts became increasingly flirty with each other. Probably to the point that shouldn't have been reached, but nothing physical ever happened between me and Michelle.

The very next evening after Michelle and I's last explicit text I get a phone call from my girlfriend Sara. Sara blew up on me!! Basically Michelle told Sara about all of our texts back and forth, and even showed the texts to Sara on her phone. My girlfriend was rightfully pissed at me!! And told me she needed her space. So at this point I didn't know what to do. The very next morning I get a phone call from Sara asking why I never called her back, texted, or e-mailed, or even drove down to see her to sort things out(let me remind you my girlfriend, Sara, goes to school 4 hours away from me). So we ended up talking on the phone for an hour about what happened, and then Sara told me she needed to go and hung up. So immediately after we get off the phone I jump in my car and drive 4 hours to go see her to hopefully sort all of this out and put an end to everything. I was unaware of the fact that on my way driving down to see Sara, she went and checked my e-mailed and saw that I was still talking to me ex girlfriend (Brittney) from high school.

Which 6 months prior me and Sara had an argument when she found out I was talking to Brittney and I told her I would stop. So it doesn't look good when I was going behind her back talking to her still, just adding more fuel to the fire. So when I finally get to my Sara's apartment 4 hours later, we start talking about the whole situation with me flirting with her friend and asking if there has been anything she should know about. I of course told her "no"... then she responded "well...what about the e-mails you are sending to Brittney?" Once that came out I knew this was going to be a bigger battle than what I had originally thought. So after being caught lying about that she asked me again if there is anything she should know about. I paused and finally broke down and told her truth that last time (December 08) I went home I slept with her best friend and my friend as well from high school. Obviously her heart was brocken. We ended up talking a couple more hours, basically myself trying plead my case and asking her to give me another chance and that I could change and be the man she deserves. Right before I left we agreed to talk again a few weeks later after things cool down a bit, and we ended up crying in each other’s arm before I walked out the door.

In the 3 weeks before our phone call, I sent her one text a week saying I’m sorry, I miss her, and I still love her. I also sent her a letter pouring my heart out to her in the mail, before I had to leave for a work conference. I got back from my work conference on a Saturday (a few days before we were going to talk). When I get back I received a letter back in the mail from her with just my apartment key in the mail... so that really hurt!!

So a couple days pass and she calls me. I would have called her sooner but a lot of articles I read online said wait for her to contact you, so I was trying to play that card which really didn't seem to work... anyways... We end up talking for about an hour. The gist of the conversation was her trying to get closure on why I cheated on her, and then her last words to me was "DONT TEXT ME, DONT E-MAIL ME, DONT CALL ME....HAVE A NICE LIFE!!!" I was devastated, not knowing what to do, I fly back home for a week to hopefully regroup myself and not be such an emotional wreck. At this point I never felt so weak as a man in my life before!!

So a couple weeks passed and I came back from home. I decided to e-mail her... basically pouring my heart out to heart, professing my undying love. Then I got the bright idea that if she really wanted me out of her life, she won’t read the e-mail and possibly delete it. So a couple days pass and I go in and check her e-mail. To my surprise not only did she read the e-mail she forwarded it to her older sister, and roommate. I'm assuming to get there advice on what to do. Her sister wrote her back saying "I saw this coming, it won’t be the last one, don’t reply, you have done so good". And of course I get no e-mail back, no surprise.

Another week passes and my best friend from high school told me he wrote Sara an e-mail basically saying that I’m a good man, she needs to give me another chance, I have changed, and that he (my friend) has never seen me so emotional before, and that I made a mistake and everybody makes mistakes thus everyone deserves a second chance. He also told her to think for herself and not what everyone is telling her to do(i.e. her mom and older sister) She wrote back to him saying that she can honestly believe that I have changed, maybe I could be that changed man for another women. But she doesn't know if I’m still lying about the past or if I will lie again in the future. I need to move on with my life and told my friend to pass that along to me.

Why can’t she tell me that herself?

So that night I call Sara and leave her a voice mail telling her if that is what she feels than she needs to be able to look me into the eyes and tell me that and mean it from her heart. Until then I can't believe her and I'm not going to give up on us or the love that we had together. To no surprise, I get nothing back.

So about 5 days after that I write her a note saying the exact things I left in the voice mail, plus more. And drove 4 hours to put it on her door step to just drive all the way back. On my way back about half way I get a phone call from her Mom!! Saying that "I need to stop and there is nothing left. Sara told me to have a nice life for a reason" There was more to the conversation but I'm sure you get the jist of it.

So since then its been two weeks and I haven’t tried to make any sort of contact with her. My question is why can't Sara tell me this stuff herself. She can’t even do it over a text or an e-mail the most impersonal way!! I’m so confused! If she truly means what she says then why can’t she tell me? Or am I still living in denial? I’m so confused and don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe she just needs more time. It has now been two months since we broke up.

Please some good honest advice would be greatly appreciated! She was going to be my wife, we had plans on getting engaged within the next year, and actually we were supposed to go ring shopping when she came home for the holidays this year :(

Oh man bro this sounds like my relationship that just ended (see my post)
I really don't know why I talked to other girls, maybe that whole Freudian EGO thing relates to us that perhaps we talked to other girls cause deep down maybe we weren't satisfied
Now that its all gone we just absolutely break down emotionally cause it felt like we had control of the relationship I guess the whole time

Everyone's telling me to move on(my friends hate my ex cause she cheated on me), but I know how you feel man its really hard

Also, I guess she doesn't want to talk to you cause she's probably in tremendous amount of pain as well

Hopefully you feel better though, same with me, cause even my ex told me I'm a good guy, and I can tell your a good guy too

Young_Cardinal, thanks for the response!

I don't know why I was talking to the other girls, but now that I think about it, it was for the thrill of the chase. Really stupid when you think about it! I will never be able to forgive myself for cheating on her, she will always be the one that got away.

Im am positive her friends and family are telling her the same things your friends are telling you (to never get back with a cheating ex). But I just want her to think for herself and do what she feels in her heart! Until that day comes that she can put on the blinders and think for herself, we probably will remain to never talk. I still feel that there is a lot of unresolved stuff between me and her. The only time we talked after the break up seemed more of her just talking out of pain and anger and not what she is really feeling or wants to do.

I know she is in pain right now, but how long is that pain going to last to where she can open back up to me again? I know there is no magic number so its extremely frustrating. I just wish she would be responsive towards me, and not try to talk to me through other people and just do it herself.

Yea I totally think her friends are telling her to not talk to me nomore either lol
Only funny thing is mkshult, her mom thinks I'm a good guy and accidentally called the wrong number a while back looking for me, and a girl picked up... she thought it was my new girlfriend and she was really happy for me LOL!. too bad it wasn't for real :)

Hmmm well bro in terms of her, you should probably just give her some space(I know its hard), but I think you already tried talking to her right? And to no avail
If she doesn't want to talk, what can we do right... maybe shell talk to you tomorrow, next week.. god knows when, but during this time you should probably try to relax(even though its next to impossible)
U should at least owe it to yourself to try to live your life properly(hopefully I do too), and hopefully she will give you the explanation, or shell give you the explanation one day when you bump into her and you probably won't care anyway by then

Young_Cardinal you're right, I think she needs a lot more space! I have tried trying to get in touch with her and she has had nothing for it. So now its time to lay low and try NC, as hard as it may be at times!! Maybe after the holidays and she realizes I didn't try contacting her around Thanksgiving, Christmas or her b-day in early jan. She might start to wonder what is going on. Who knows only time will tell I guess. It doesn't help that I am a very impatient person.

you man for sure, just cause she's not talking to u, doesn't meant she isn't thinking stuff
definitely lay low for a while and yea noones proud to be on NC being depressed(my friends just laughed at me and asked me to go out and have a drink which ill do, but ill be sure to check on some posts later)
funny thing is, this sites helping me keep my mind on other things and I've actually laughed at some of the stuff that's happened to me(hey it's a start)

oh and for sure bro, when christmas comes around, your going to be on her mind for sure(at the same time well think of them too... WHERE AM I STAYING THIS X-MAS Anyway? )
but yea like I said, maybe shell call u or something eventually, then u can decide then if u still want to be all romeo(which I did as well and I'm getting tired of this s***) or just walk away day by day

I do believe you to be sincere, and I appreciate that you have an understanding of how your actions have resulted in the loss of your girlfriend. I don't think you'll ever forget this lesson.

In a way, its sad, because you have changed, and it isn't likely that you would go back on your word. But, on the other side of this is the equally important decision of your girlfriend, who experienced the lies and deceipt, very personally.

When that happens to a person, love is just not enough. Love is what you do, and how honest and trustworthy you are. When that is ripped away from the person who thought they knew you to have those characteristics, they are left with enough doubt, that honesty and trustworthiness are not beliefs she thought she had about you.

It isn't a matter of forgiving as much as it is a matter of making the decision not to risk loving someone who proved themselves to be unfathful. The understanding of the person you thought you knew, no longer exists. The relationship goes from that blind faith, to the opposite end of the spectrum of absolutely no trust when the truth comes out.

You can't talk somebody out of how they feel, and what they have decided. Others can tell her that you are a changed man, and you are, and she may even believe that herself, but she has made the decision that you are not the man she thought she knew, and she has made a decision and moved on.

Please just accept that, and start to put the past in the past, and bring what you have learned to the next relationship. You are a much better person than you were, and now you have to lick your wounds and move on, as she has.

It's over.

Oh and too add, when you said it was for the thrill of the chase, I feel you on that too
Man after I got cheated on, I harsh got insecure about everything, then after I did stuff with this girl, apparently I was a stud lol
But still at the end of the day, "thinking ur good in bed" isn't really what we want, just wanted that one girl(who honestly probably isn't the one for us) to be with us (laugh out loud) : )

To answer your question, it seems she has gone No Contact to allow herself to heal and move on. Just as you are now contemplating going NC.

Remember that NC is NOT a means of 'getting her back' or that it has a time limit. NC is for YOUR healing. YOUR moving forward. It will not be easy. It will hurt. It will have ups and downs. Give yourself some resources to help even out those down times. Keep yourself busy mentally and physically. Give yourself time and space. Don't try to rush into another relationship with anyone (new or old).

Cat1864, you brought up a good point that I have never even thought of! I didn't even think about her trying to go NC fro herself to move on. I guess its hard because I live by myself in a new area where I don't know anyone. So I feel like I am just wasting away almost, and have so much time to think about her. For her she is in her senior year of college, lives with a roommate, is involved in a sorority, and has plenty of things to keep her mind occupied and off me. So I am wondering if maybe when she comes home for the holidays and has time to finally slow down and not have so much on her mind that the reality of the situation might set in for her, and possibly make her rethink her actions.

I just don't get how she can just bottle up her emotions and not deal with them. Am I just being neieve thinking this?

She said that she didn't want me or any version of me back in life. Now granted she did take me off Facebook, but then my friends have told me that she still has all the pictures of me and her still up. If she didn't want any version of me back into her life then why are the pictures still up? Why does she still have my Dad as a friend on Facebook? There are just so many un answered question that I have, and I am not sure if I will ever know them.

Its been two months but it still feels like yesterday!

Jake2008, I know that I can't talk someone out of how they feel, and what they have decided. But at the same time I know its her family that is almost making up her mind for her. When I got that phone call from her mom it almost I guess put everything into perspective for me. On top of that when her sister e-mailed her telling her not to reply to me!! So I know that other people are infuencing her decision! My ex always told me that I knew her better than her own mother and now is no exception. I know there is still something but she doesn't want to show it because of what other people may think of her and it makes it that much more frustrating! That's why I told her that if she truly believes that things are over forever between me and her than she should be able to look me in the eyes and tell me that from her heart.

Look, it sounds as if you're really remorseful. But, and it's a big but. You lied (a lot) you flirted with her best friend, and you cheated. Why would you do that to the woman you were going to marry?

Does it surprise you that her family wants to protect her from a flirting, lying cheat? If she was your daughter, your sister or your friend would you be telling her to get back with you, after what you'd done? Would you be recommending that she trust you again?

Remorse and contrition are great in retrospect, but actions speak much louder than words. You've made yourself look very bad by your actions and now your words are meaningless and hollow.

I'm really sorry, but you've shot yourself in the foot big time. I don't think she'll be talking to you again - do you blame her?

Take this opportunity to think about your actions - please think about why you behaved in this way. Leave her alone, learn your lesson, take it on the chin like a man, and move on.

Don't make the same mistake twice.

Oh yea, I talked to a friend about my problems today and he said something that might help in regards to your problem
The good thing is that 2 months in, your at least trying the NC thing
My friend said some of his friends (very painful) still think they're going to get their ex back after 5 years and their ex's having new significant otheres LOL!!

Hopefully it doesn't take us 1/8th the time to get over it
But hopefully she gives you an answer soon, otherwise u MUST continue NC I suppose

Gemini54, I completely understand why her friends and family are trying to protect her. That I can understand, but at the same time they should allow her to make her own decisions. It really made me angry when her mother called me and not herself. It almost seems like she is just going to mommy and daddy to cry and wants other people to take care of the problem for her. It may sound bad but why can't she "man" up and face reality instead of trying to hide behind it. Maybe in this case ignorance is bliss... I guess. It just seems like me and her both have so much unsaid words to one another.

I may have forgot to mention that when I e-mailed the ex and checked to see if she read it or it or not. And her sister responded with "I saw this coming, it won’t be the last one, don’t reply, you have done so good". Then the ex wrote her sister back saying "Yeah, im not ready to talk to him anytime soon either"... what is that supposed to mean? Also she followed that by saying "if her wants to live his life in regret let him".

It almost seems as if she may want to talk to me again, but is afraid to based on what others may think of her. To be honest I am trying NC in hopes that after some time she may get curios and possibly call to see how I am doing after some time passes. Like I mentioned before, my ex and I seem like we have a lot of unspoken words towards one another, that almost demands that we need to talk again. I am still confused.

When my ex cheated on me, my friends were very disappointed in me cause I kept in contact with her
That's probably what she's afraid of
She has to figure this one out herself

I know and that's the disappointing part of it all. Because I know her so well!! And they way she is acting isn't the woman I know!! So you're right, young_cardinal, its not going to happen until she can look past what everyone else says and think for herself.

You lied and you cheated.
She told you not to contact her. You should respect her decision.

I guess what I am most confused about was when we talked 3 weeks after we broke up and she told me "DONT TEXT ME, DONT E-MAIL ME, DONT CALL ME....HAVE A NICE LIFE!!!" Obvioulsy she wanted to go NC. But then I e-mail her and she reads it and thinks enough of it to forward it to others to get there opinion. Obviously what I wrote her somehow affected her. But why wouldn't she of just deleted it? Why does she have pics of me still on her Facebook? Granted it has been a little over 2 months since we broke up and the only contact we had was for her to tell me "HAVE A NICE LIFE!" I have nothing to be able to tell how she is feeling.

It is time for you to stop worrying about what she is feeling. You snooped and found that she han't deleted your email. So what? She had a moment of weakness and asked for backup and support. What she has up or doesn't have up doesn't mean anything when she has made it as clear as she can that she is not interested in a relationship with you.

It is time for you to make new friends. Get to know the place where you are living. Find the gym. Find the recreation areas. Find the restaurants that serve the foods you like the way you like them. Get involved with your new community. HAVE FUN!

You wanted "honest advice", so here it is:
Even though you think you have changed, you probably haven't. You made too many mistakes in this relationship to even think about ever repairing it. First mistake was to "electronically cheat" with her BEST FRIEND. Even though you didn't have sex, you felt the need to exchange nasty texts. WHY?

Then you had sex with AT LEAST two other girls, that she knows of. There are usually more than you admit to, am I right?

Let me ask you something. If the table was turned, and a girl did these things to YOU, what would YOU do, and how would YOU feel?

You act surprised, and tell us "that we were to be married". Well YOU sure didn't act like it, did you?

You basically threw this relationship away. The best thing that you can do is to learn from it, and carry on. Don't waste anymore time or energy trying to re-animate the dead.

This relationship is over, and she doesn't want anything else to do with you. And you earned this treatment, this is not just "out of the blue".

Move on. Next time be faithful to the ones you love.

There. I'm sorry for being so blunt. But you asked, and I didn't mind telling you.

I ruined an 6 year relationship, 20 years ago, by doing the same things. It never recovered then either.

When we are young, we want to "have our cake, and eat it too", and it hardly ever works.

Go get this behavior out of your system before you settle down. If you don't, you will do it all over again, maybe to your WIFE.

Good luck to you.