Daugther is 20 and currently living with my sister out-of-state. As I viewed various postings dealing with 20 year old, I myself struggle with issues of curfew, driving to and from parties.

Though I agree that every mature woman must respect and be courteous to people she lives with as far as coming home at a decent time, midnight. My daughter seem to think that she is controlled in every decision and action she does.

We gave her a car to run around to, paying her 4 year university, paying her cell phone, however, she works part-time and takes care of books, gas, car insurance.

All in all everything is handed to her and the simple moral values we expect from her are a big deal to her such as curfew at midnight, informing the homeowners of her whereabouts at all times for safety reasons, boyfriend must drive her back and forth if it's past 10 p.m.

I stand with my values and she is not happy. Though my gutt feeling tells me that reiterating values to children no matter how old is a good thing for this is why they become successful in dealing with issues.

Any input on these issues? Do you think I am being unfair? Should I just give in to everything she wants coz' her ultimate reason all the time is that she is 20!

I think the person who assists in paying the bills gets to make the rules.

If the person who needs assistance doesn't want to follow the rules, then she needs to find a way to support herself in all of her endeavors.

On the other hand - if your daughter shows good judgment, has not been in trouble, isn't using drugs - I'd cut her some slack.

Not everything can be an issue and I'm not sure how important a later curfew is.

I guess the question that comes to my mind is, what if she was living on-campus and staying in the dorm instead of with a family member? You wouldn't have the say for when curfew is or who drives after 10pm or to and from parties. I agree it is common courtesy for her to let the homeowners know her whereabouts as they are responsible for her, but a midnight curfew for a 20 year old seems a bit extreme. After all, she is technically an adult and almost old enough to vote and purchase alcohol. I understand that you are trying to protect your daughter, but it sounds like she wants the same freedom other 20 year-olds have when they leave home.

It sounds like the age-old struggle between parents wanting to protect their children and children wanting to go out on their own and become adults. I do empathize with your situation, as I have a 16-year old myself and I know how hard it is to let go. Maybe the best solution would be to let her live in the dorms instead of with your sister.

I don't think what your saying is unreasonable at all. You do a lot for your daughter... she is very young and doesn't see it yet. I know I didn't appreciate all the straps when I was 20 years old but I listened... I cleaned the house, mowed the lawn or shoveled the snow, made supper once a week, always cleaned the dishes, walked the dogs three times a day (off leash too... probably about 2 hours of walking), I cleaned her car for her, ran to the grocery store, I was an honors student, focused a great deal on all my studies, worked part-time and paid for my first car, insurance, bills, gas, cell phone, clothes... but they took care of my school... until I decided to change my avenue of education... then I was on my own but I understood why (as upset as I was at the time). My parents both worked hard and raised 5 kids! We ALL had responsibility and money didn't fall from trees in our house though my parents where doing well... if you wanted something you had to work for it or do chores! Yes, it sounds strict but NOW I appreciate it and I have no regrets. I didn't do drugs, I did drink (but always had a ride home or a safe place to stay with friends if I wasn't able). My mother would sleep on the couch... wake up and hassle me when I walked in the door really late... later then 12! The response was same if I came home 1/2 after or 2 hours after. I had a cell so we would be in touch... but she could lie about her whereabouts in fear of being scolded... there really is no point. She will do what she does when she wants to... she is nearly an adult herself and it appears wants the freedom... Judy is right in a lot of ways about you paying all the bills... she wants more freedom then she should take on a bit more responsibility too.

Gemini also has a good point too... if she uses good judgment and isn't a troubled girl you could relax a bit and give her some more space and see what she does.

I think that a 12 midnight curfew is a bit strict for a 20 year old girl. Fair enough however, that she lets you know where she is, and what time she’ll be home.

I’m unsure how a 12 midnight curfew relates to your ‘moral values’, but I suspect that you may be reluctant to grant her greater freedom because you’re afraid.

She has a car, she has a boyfriend. Yes, she lives in your home and you support her, but she’s close to being an adult and will only mature if you allow her to make her own decisions about her whereabouts and her social life.

If she was 16, I think that you would have some ground to stand on, but at 20 you need to be giving her greater freedom. By all means set boundaries around advising you where she is and ensuring her personal safety but I do think you need to cut her some slack.