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    saxychiqa's Avatar
    saxychiqa Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 17, 2004, 11:06 PM
    Best friend with married man??
    Okay, I've been thinking forever about this, and have no clue what to do!! I have just found out that my best friend has been dating a married man for the past month. She is 20, and he is 40. We are in college, and she plans to be going to law school in a year. This man that she has been seeing, and his wife, are owners of a group of very successful fitness centers. They have two children, ages 9 and 14.

    My friend and this man are very involved, taking trips and going out every other night! She claims that they are in love, and he keeps telling her that he will soon reach a decision between her or his wife (only he has been saying this for 3 weeks now)! I think that he is just saying that to keep her on the line. She even said that she will pass up law school at her school of choice, just to stay closer to him!

    I have such a hard time with this because when I was 12 years old, my father was having an affair that lasted 2 years, until the divorce, without us knowing. He would put us off, "work long hours", and constantly break promises. I have been seeing this man do the same to his kids. When he is supposed to take them out to dinner and to a movie, he grabs them fast food, and drops them off at the movie theater (by themselves! ).

    I would like to make an anonymous phone call to his wife and tell her that her husband is having an affair (not mention names or anything), but I don't know if that's what I should do. I am thinking more of the welfare of her and her children especially... but it's so confusing...

    So, should I stay out of their business, or should I call?
    saxychiqa's Avatar
    saxychiqa Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Jan 20, 2004, 07:36 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    Does anyone have any responses at all??
    labman's Avatar
    labman Posts: 10,580, Reputation: 551
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    #3

    Jan 20, 2004, 08:21 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    Nobody has answered because there isn't a good answer. I think we are all gritting our teeth about how hard it is watch a friend throw her life away. Do you have a digital camera? Try to get some pictures, print them out and mail them to the wife.

    Maybe first, ask your friend if she will be able to trust him any more than his wife can?

    Your friend may not be the first, the wife may not get too excited.

    Krystal's Avatar
    Krystal Posts: 22, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 2, 2004, 09:45 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    If you really cannot talk your friend out of this relationship, it would be interesting to see what would happen if his wife found out. The only thing wrong with this is that you don't know what will happen to your friend - after all, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"... just be careful along these lines. I probably could not keep my mouth shut in this situation. The inequity of it would disturb me too much and I would want the wife to know... good luck in your decision!
    ajewel91's Avatar
    ajewel91 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 30, 2004, 07:50 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    :(
    This response might be late, but I just came across this sight.

    Telling the wife may or may not make a difference. Unfortunately, I found myself involved with a married man who pursued me for four months before I gave in. He insisted that he was unhappy in his marriage, that he was going to divorce his wife by the end of the year (2003). One month into my "relationship" with him, his story changed to six months. Then, it was "a year, I really can't say when I'm going to get a divorce." Last October, I called his wife and told her SOME of the things he had to say about their marriage. She even called me a couple of times. The interesting thing was, she knew I existed. I think she was more insulted that I would TELL her that her husband was cheating on her. But, she knew that he was. She tried to determine when we had time to be together, since he came home every night. I didn't bother telling her that he was with me UNTIL that time, or tell her that the days he left the house early in the morning, yes, he was coming to be with me. What difference would it make? All I wanted was for him to leave me alone. I told her that I did not consider her feelings. I thought it was the only way I could make him leave me alone. Well, he did leave me alone--for three weeks. The night I called her, he called me back and cussed me out. He told me to never call his house again, that I was telling lies and causing problems; that if I needed to confess, I should call a priest. I was devastated because I had allowed myself to fall in love with him and I believed he loved me. I thought that calling his wife was the ultimate. Even though I loved him, I knew that being with him was wrong. Three weeks later, he calls me, declaring his love for me and apologizing for cussing me out. He claimed that I had caught him off guard and he was angry at me.
    The bottom line, the more I ignore this man, the more he calls. He has shown up at my house, unannounced. He will call me from different phone numbers. He recently told me that he tries to go one day without talking to me, but he gets desperate and needs to hear my voice. It is now March 2004, and he is still begging me to be patient. I feel that he is only toying with my feelings. He is a selfish man. If he wanted an honest relationship with me, he would have respected my wishes and divorced his wife FIRST, before ever beginning a relationship with me. I have two very incriminating messages saved on my voicemail. On them, he declares his love for me and that I'm the only woman who can satisfy him. YEAH RIGHT!! If his wife dares call me, she will get an ear full. Yes, there are days I consider letting her hear those messages. But again, what difference will it make? They will kiss and make up and I will still be a lone.

    I hope your friend comes to her senses soon and realizes she deserves more.
    jojo's Avatar
    jojo Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 19, 2004, 12:48 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    I'm in a similar situation my roommate is having an affair with a married man. They have been having an affair for 2 years with a 1 year gap in between. He has 2 children under the age of 5, he actually had one child in between there break up. He tried to leave his wife the first time and couldn't and after the year break up they got back together again Dec of last year, he promised my friend he was going to leave his wife in March but didn't happen and now its May. He told my friend in March he would leave his wife in June when he has come back from the family vacation but recently he has told my friend he has to go on a business trip after that so it will be after he comes back. From the conversations I've had with my friend they both love each other, he comes over first thing in the morning and sometimes after work and they both always go our hours (my roommates and mine) for lunch etc...

    My problem with this is that I struggle with the fact that he is cheating on his wife and young children. He should be honest with them and my roommate instead of making out he is planning on doing this when the time is right. It seems to me he is just leading my friend on and she is taking the bate 100% and I get frustrated that she can't see it. I can't be honest with her and say what I feel that this is so wrong as it will destroy our friendship, she believes there both going to end up together. He uses such sweet words to her which she totally falls for which makes her believe he loves her and they ill end up together. How would she feel if she was the wife and found out her husband was having an affair, I would be distraught and so would she so why do it. I also can't understand how she can continue sleeping with a married may, personally I don't think I could do it my conscience would get the better of me.

    Well I'm not sure if this helps your situation but its more comfortable to know someone else is in the same boat.

    I just find this situation hard to deal with as its just not right in my eyes. We all work for the same company also so I'm sworn to secrecy, we all need someone to talk to... I class myself as a true friend so I will keep it to myself until he finally leaves his wife, for her sake and my roommates sake I hope it happens soon.
    mtybaldone's Avatar
    mtybaldone Posts: 21, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    May 26, 2004, 08:05 AM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    Let me just say first, there one thing I can guarantee, if you inform the wife, you will lose your friend and very possibly get yourself into the middle of a firestorm that you know is going to get ugly. Not to be overly dramatic, but thousands of people get murdered every year over extra-marital affairs, minimize your risk, and don't go there.
    So what do you do instead? Well, not much.
    Tell her how you feel about this sort of relationship in general and how conflicted you are with having a friend who is involved in one. After telling your friend how you feel about it, there is really nothing else you can do. The reality of this situation is that it is truly none of your business. Though she may, in your view, be doing incredible amounts of harm to herself and this man's family, it really doesn't involve you. It is her life and if she chooses to do this, then she must face the consequences. The more involved you get , the more crazy it is going to make you and the more you risk losing a friend forever.
    This really calls for tough love. She needs to see that there are consequences to her choices, and as yet there have been none. The only thing you have control over in this situation is how you deal with it. If you tell her that you can no longer be her friend because you refuse to have friends who do this sort of thing, she will be getting her first taste of consequense.
    It's the only thing you can do. Stay away from, and out of her insanity. Remember, it's her choices that have brought her into this situation, not yours. You have only chosen her as a friend, and what you need to realize is that not everyone is worthy of your friendship. People show their true colors when in these sorts of situations. She is showing that it is more important to get her needs met than the needs of her friends, his children, and his wife. She is being very selfish and you need to stay out of it. If she doesn't value your friendship enough to at least step back and make an attempt to really evalute this situation, then she obviously values your friendship much less than you do, so end it on your terms. This will get you away from the insanity and give her a chance to come back to you if she evr sees the folly of her ways.
    sweety's Avatar
    sweety Posts: 77, Reputation: -1
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    #8

    Jun 6, 2004, 02:18 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    I don't c da point in even getting involved wid a married man wen his future is set to his wife and kids. Do u?? :-*
    strucdown's Avatar
    strucdown Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 7, 2004, 06:21 AM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    I'm surprised by all the "I was involved with married man" comments. Geeze.. I just want one good girl where the heck do these guys find 2!? :P
    (sorry just lightening up the thread.. please keep us up to date on what you decide.. it may help the next person.. )
    chaz1797's Avatar
    chaz1797 Posts: 79, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Jun 8, 2004, 10:28 PM
    Re: Best friend with married man??
    You know it is nice that you are there for your friend and your concerned about relationship, and sometimes we wish we could work miracles and help our friends in need, but sometimes it doesn't turn out like we hope it would so, I suggest two things firest always let your friend know that your there for her in case there is a break up she is going to need a good friend, and second I suggest and at the same time I ask you have you let her know about your concerns and what you are feeling? Sometimes love can blind a person and no matter what you may say it doesn't connect because they say they are in love, just reasure her that your there and you're a caring friend, because I doubt that this person is going to give up his other life and the persons in it. Plus he is 20 years older then her and as men get older they feel they need to have that young thing as they call it and then they realize what they are doing and sometimes try to put a stop to it because they know they are hurting others. So she is going to need a friend and it looks like that is you, good luck and I hope everything works out, if you have other concerns or comites please don't hesitate to write me or any other expert on this web site.
    God bless and hope things get better for your friend.
    There are very few true friends so stay like that and never change, who knows someday you can become an expert and help someone out in the same sittuation as your friend, good luck.

    Chaz :)
    Rhondadlock's Avatar
    Rhondadlock Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Oct 31, 2004, 06:22 AM
    Best friend with married man
    I cannot understand for the life of me how a woman can enter into a relationship with a married man. It is unbelievable to me that a woman will knowingly sneak around and allow a man to have a woman who he has promised to share the rest of his life with and use her as a "second wheel." Your best friend does not deserve a friend who has integrity and has values such as yourself. Someone once told me to surround myself by people who compliment who I am. Your friend does not compliment you, in fact, she is not honoring you as a friend because of her lack of respect for herself and you. A person who dates a married man has no ethics and is truly selfish and how can you expect her to be honorable in your friendship. I also can't believe the post from the woman who wrote that she cannot get a married man to leave her alone. Well, that is a cop-out. There are such things as restraining orders that prohibit jerks and cheaters like him from contacting you. He continues to feed you bull and harass you because, guess what YOU ARE LETTING HIM. If you really want that scum out of your life, take control, stop playing the victim, seek counseling, change your phone number and kick him to the curve. That person thinks that it is cute that she has a tape that she can play if she wants to make the wife feel bad, but the "other" woman is usually the one who feels worse in the whole torrid affair. After all, she is the one who is waiting until the man makes time for her, or waiting until he comes from vacation with a woman he respects just to stop by for an hour in the morning or afternoon before he goes home to the woman he has married. A woman can justify her actions any way she wants when she allows a man who is married to enter her bed and not to mention her heart, but the bottom line is that the other woman is a door mat who is allowing a man to use her body, mind and soul while the wife gets all the benefits of being the leading lady. If it were my best friend who was cheating with a married man, I would rid my life of her and find a friend who holds the same value and character as I do. I also would be tempted to send the wife a friendly note.
    Taodesuki's Avatar
    Taodesuki Posts: 7, Reputation: 0
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    #12

    Dec 18, 2004, 07:40 PM
    Getting Involved
    Here is my two cents:

    If you really want to tell the wife then I would not mention it to your friend and I would not tell the wife who I was or give out any identifying details. First, I would pay attention to the details of where your friends says they go, what they do. Then I would call the wife and tell her that you saw her husband twice with another woman, once at such-and-such and another time at blank (using the details that your friend revealed).

    You can also send pictures but this is more involved and once the wife confronted the husband he'd probably be able to figure out that you were the one who sent the pictures, so I wouldn't go that route unless you are willing to admit that you told. I'd stay as far away from the situation as possible.

    Getting involved with a married man does happen - more than people think. It does not mean that your friend is a terrible person. People tend to blame the "other woman" in situations like this but I see it the other way around.

    He had a commitment - marriage to his wife - your friend did not. Unless she is best friends with the wife she has no obligations to either of them. He is the one who messed up. Sure, his choices affect his wife and your friend was a willing party, but he is to blame. I don't see your friend as a predatory animal that some would make her out to be - she was not on the hunt for a weak marriage to take advantage of (although there are people out there like that).

    Basically it was his vows, his promise to his wife that he is breaking. They both know what they are doing - and he knows better than anyone as he is in control of their relationship. Having kids makes no difference - a marriage is a marriage with or without kids. People can get divorced and still be good parents. He does not need to stay with his wife for the kids - this is a lame cop-out excuse. Either he loves her or he doesn't.

    What can happen is if he is cheating she may get custody of the kids rather than him - and since he is shirking his parental responsibilities to sleep with someone else perhaps this isn't a bad thing. But he is the one taking the risks and he went into it with his eyes open.

    If I was the wife I would want to know. I'd want someone to tell me - even if it hurt me deeply, I'd still want to find out. But some women don't. They'd rather turn a blind eye and pretend not to see the obvious. As other posters mentioned, there are women out there who do know their husbands are cheating and just go on as if nothing was happening.

    Either way I would still try to inform the wife. The thing that you have to remember is that telling her will not make him a better parent - he may not be attached to the kids or he may just drop your friend and move on to someone else. So even if he is caught it doesn't mean that he'll change.

    And perhaps he does love your friend - but odds are that he is stringing her along - and he is probably very convincing and you won't change her mind. Even if he does love her he probably won't leave his wife - he has the stability and safety of his marriage and home and the excitement and adventure of the affair - plus he gets to sleep with two women.

    If you decide not to intervene things will probably sizzle out on their own - either he'll get bored, the wife will wise up or your friend will get tired of waiting for him to divorce her. It could take years - meanwhile you have to decide whether you want to ignore it or do something about it. If you tell the wife your friend may get hurt - he may run home and drop her (for a while at least or he'll start a new affair).

    In the end this is really between him, your friend and his wife. He is a terrible father right now but this is his choice and ending the affair may not make a difference. If you choose not to tell his wife I would definitely make a point of telling him straight up that regardless of who he sleeps with he should be a father first and that he needs to get his priorities straight - kids first and then his romantic life second.
    WhenWillIBeLoved's Avatar
    WhenWillIBeLoved Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Feb 22, 2005, 04:14 PM
    I'm surprised by all the "I was involved with married man" comments. Geeze.. I just want one good girl where the heck do these guys find 2!? :P
    (sorry just lightening up the thread.. please keep us up to date on what you decide.. it may help the next person.. )
    LOL I am currently involved with a married man. Adultery is not a black-and-white issue. Though, most folks would have you believe such. And as a general rule, women love unavailable men and vice versa. It's going against the grain. It's liberating to break the rules of normality. It's an adrenaline rush to be "bad." The only bad thing about such a relationship is its unpredictability and the fact that it has a greater possibility of negatively affecting a larger number of people.
    WhenWillIBeLoved's Avatar
    WhenWillIBeLoved Posts: 13, Reputation: 3
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    #14

    Feb 22, 2005, 04:31 PM
    Mind Your Own Business
    Either way I would still try to inform the wife. The thing that you have to remember is that telling her will not make him a better parent - he may not be attached to the kids or he may just drop your friend and move on to someone else. So even if he is caught it doesn't mean that he'll change.
    Mind your own business is a wonderful concept. You have no right to intrude into another person's love life. You have no right to share information they have confided in you. Contacting your friend's lover's wife would the ultimate betrayal. It is not worth the emotional pain it may cause others. It is not worth the fighting it may trigger. The moral thing to do is to mind your own business.
    PAMF2678's Avatar
    PAMF2678 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 23, 2005, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by strucdown
    I'm surprised by all the "I was involved with married man" comments. Geeze.. I just want one good girl where the heck do these guys find 2!?! :P
    (sorry just lightening up the thread.. please keep us up to date on what you decide.. it may help the next person.. )
    We are still out there... My Bf Is dating a married man for 6 months now. He has 2 children. She is making herself sick over this guy. I don't understand it at all. I would never put myself through that. I miss my boyfriend too much when I know he is all mine. I couldn't deal with the fact that he was waking up in the morning with his wife even if he says he's "Leaving Her" Ha you right! Wake up people.
    As far as telling the wife. I think you need to stay out of it. I know its hard but she has to learn herself and most likely she will learn the hard way which is to bad :o
    ladyandjan's Avatar
    ladyandjan Posts: 191, Reputation: 4
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    #16

    Feb 24, 2005, 10:13 PM
    If your friend thinks for one second this man is ever going to leave his wife-she needs a reality check fast. She's young and he's attracted to her because of this fact that the sex is exciting and new. He just started his family with his wife and is not going to just give up his children. He will string her along until she's say 28 or so or until she gets tired of him telling her he's leaving his wife (and never plans to) and she leaves him. By then she will be older, heartbroken and could possibly end up in the same type of relationship. Remember the HARDEST thing is to be "the one who walks away".
    dmoore@tbscc.com's Avatar
    [email protected] Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Nov 27, 2005, 08:09 PM
    Best Friend with a married man? Sometimes it happens
    I am very interested in what everyone has to say as I am in the process of doing a book about extramarital affairs - in particular those involving two 'couples' where one partner in each is involved with each other.
    I am 'slanting' the book towards the 'other woman'. I welcome any and all comments or story sharing. In the responses (except one) as in general most tend to relate or sympathize with the scorned woman. I wish to explore the point of view of the female partner involved in these relationships.
    As far as a single woman involved with a married man - we tend to view that differently I think. The single woman is regarded as 'desperate' and maybe a 'home wrecker' with planned intent to capture an attached man. The man then is labeled a sex-crazed lunatic especially if there are children involved.
    Marriages and relationhips are fragile, tenous creations that are entered into with high expectations sometimes rather than with a plan of attack and flexibility.
    The married woman entering into a love affair is frequently seen as pitiful and weak. I hold that there are many many reasons and situations that these affairs occur and the participants are not necessarily evil, spawned of the devil creatures but rather individuals that are in some manner needy, looking for something that's missing. Their course of action may be different but it is in general similar to sitting on a bar stool for hours each night, self-medicating with illicit (or prescription drugs) or indulging in potentially self destructive behaviors.
    Many 'other women' feel alone, isolated and think that their situations are incredibly unique from anyone else's experiences. There is frequently no reasonable outlet for these woman to talk about their grief or concerns whether the affair is over or in it's seemingly glorious peak.
    I suspect that sometimes these affairs DO work out but sometimes it's unfortunate that people 'find each other' later.. . here comes the 'soul-mates' comments. Remember the 'It's hard to belong to someone else when the right one comes along?"...
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #18

    Nov 28, 2005, 07:02 PM
    I thoroughly agree with your assessment of the situation. Any man who is married with young kids and screwing around with someone half his age isn't going to leave his wife or kids for her. He's just having some fun with her and when he tires of her, he'll dump her for someone else and the cycle will continue. It would be a bad mistake for your friend to abandon her plans for law school on his account. As for calling the wife, however, I'm not sure that's a wise move. You don't necessarily want to be the one who "stirs the pot" and then find yourself forced in the middle of all of it as it can only prove to be a no-win situation for you. As it is, you're just an innocent bystander in the whole situation and I'd keep it that way. What you might want to do is try to work on your friend and talk some sense into her . She's setting herself up for a big letdown, a broken heart and possibly a waste of all of her dedication and hard work so far now that she's about to enter law school. Urge her to end this NOW before it goes any further and before she makes decisions that she'll end up regretting.
    arj09's Avatar
    arj09 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Dec 15, 2005, 04:19 PM
    Phone
    I have been at both ends of the spectrum - been cheated on as a wife and having an affair with a married man. I would call... out of respect for all women everywhere and men for that matter.
    LeBo414's Avatar
    LeBo414 Posts: 15, Reputation: 0
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    #20

    Oct 21, 2007, 01:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by saxychiqa
    Okay, I've been thinking forever about this, and have no clue what to do!!! I have just found out that my best friend has been dating a married man for the past month. She is 20, and he is 40. We are in college, and she plans to be going to law school in a year. This man that she has been seeing, and his wife, are owners of a group of very successful fitness centers. They have two children, ages 9 and 14.

    My friend and this man are very involved, taking trips and going out every other night! She claims that they are in love, and he keeps telling her that he will soon reach a decision between her or his wife (only he has been saying this for 3 weeks now)! I think that he is just saying that to keep her on the line. She even said that she will pass up law school at her school of choice, just to stay closer to him!!

    I have such a hard time with this because when I was 12 years old, my father was having an affair that lasted 2 years, until the divorce, without us knowing. He would put us off, "work long hours", and constantly break promises. I have been seeing this man do the same to his kids. When he is supposed to take them out to dinner and to a movie, he grabs them fast food, and drops them off at the movie theater (by themselves!!).

    I would like to make an anonymous phone call to his wife and tell her that her husband is having an affair (not mention names or anything), but I don't know if that's what I should do. I am thinking more of the welfare of her and her children especially...but it's so confusing....

    So, should I stay out of their business, or should I call??
    It seems that you are in a tough spot. And maybe in danger of losing your friendship with your friend
    As much as you would like to help her in this situation, She has entered this relationship with eyes wide shut. And if you do anything to jeopordize her fantasy love, You may end up being the loser in this situation. She may never forgive you for interfering.. . You have to understand,. You can take a horse to water, But you can't make him drink.. . Therefore, My advice is,. Stay out of it.

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