Thanks, I have guts.

I haven't had a real party in a bit. Since I discovered what partying meant.
Now for a fun party...

Van

Did some "parts" work this weekend, but differently.
Blew of some steam & went out with some girl friends of mine.
Talked danced and it was great to have that female closeness.

Felt great. Plus Ive been burning on a big deadline for Monday & its been great to be creatively invested again. Keeps my mind on track.

Did get a hang-up call from my ex today. 2 rings then nothing. Got my heart rate up for a few, but actually irritated me more than anything. Don't think its was an accident, as I got a couple before. She probably just wants me to know she's still around, in a pathetic & desperate way.

Delete.

Thanks for listening again.
Van

Looks to me like your seeing things much clearer these days.

Thanks Tal, nice 2 hear from you.

Ive equating this to the weather. Clouds an cloudedness.

Sometimes its bright & sunny, other times rain for weeks. Not unlike Vancouver. Sometimes you get hit by a lightening bolt, recover & stand in the same spot only to hit again.

Whoa, did I just say that? LOL!

Anyway, Im trying. Don't wish to feel crappy anymore.

Me either, but it happens from time to time.

Its raining now, but the sun will be back, and the grass needs the rain, even if you don't.

Sometimes the Packers beat the Bears, and the Bear fans cry, :(!!

Now your topping me with the analogies, hehehe.

Nice one. Thanks. I like that.

A life one. Who's losing, really?

Its funny my ex would always say "this is not a competition" whenever I tried to get deep or equate my emotional experience.

Translation: The opposite.

It's great that you cut loose with your female friends. Yeah, Boye... I hope you make your Monday deadline, and the work is superb.

Now you are free to get as deep as you want, Van. You can go wherever you can tune into with your mind, share it or not, discover new people, explore, find yourself again.

Now is it all about getting out of pain, or do you feel a drive to know more about yourself? If you dig deeper, what motivates you?

Tao

Thanks Tao.

Of course I want to know more. Not repeat my patterns.
My motivation is being happy.

So, you can now turn your healing process into a long-term learning process. This will give you a practice, a steady, enjoyable discipline that you engage yourself in, and that gives you benefits like self-understanding, peace of mind, and so on.

You will make a "buy or build" decision. You can buy practices from the marketplace, such as various meditations, systems of yoga, martial arts, self-development workshops, etc. or you can build your own method. You already have your art, which might serve as the substrate or context for your next phase of inner work. If you find yourself sometimes going in deep reflective directions while doing your art, adding some additional purpose to it might work.

Or, if your art doesn't feel like the place for this sort of thing, you can pick any arena that suits you. Personally, I chose martial arts. The inner work in martial arts is at least as significant as the outer, physical aspect. It gets more so as one ages.

Whatever you pick will be your vehicle for letting your conscious control (an illusion, anyway) of yourself go, and inviting your unconscious mind to communicate with you. You get quiet and the parts that want to interact with your conscious self get expressive. You can be physically active or passive, just as long as you are listening and making it safe for those parts to come forward.

This is discovery, some of which you have already done. It is infinite. However you decide to practice, the first stage is all about discovery of what's there.

Well, how does that idea fit with your desires?


Tao

I guess the method, I will have to sort out.

Really interested in understanding who I am, why I make the decisions I do. Things of that nature, as well as understanding & controlling negative thoughts that impact me so much, like all of this breakup pain.

Not sure my career work really does that in a way I need.

Like you say, to truly listen to what's going on inside.

This is an amazing thread. 21 pages into this, and the insight is unreal. I say this to you guys in bed on the Itouch. This thread is infectious and full of everything I needed to hear, only four months late.

Figured I'd write something while I'm fully engrossed in this. I shudder to think where I would be today if I asked for assistance in June... onto page 22..

One more thing before I crash.

About the parts and listening.

"Who said you are?"

You?

Bump & Respond.

Exactly.
And to keep doing that. Forever.

We create all.

Take my recent professions lately as ones of honesty.

Resulting in some uplifting days and others when I wanted to jump off my balcony. Im still grieving in a way, just figuring my own path out & above. Truly learning from all of this suffering, self-inflicted. Who I am.

Taking more time than I anticipated. There's still her in my mind. And those tapes still run, crazy hurtful stuff, as well as those letters to her in my head. How may now? Stupid actually.

The good thing is that those tend to linger & not occupy. I use them to understand. Myself, more than anything. Don't disregard anything. But make sure to not dwell & move on. Its different daily.

Boy, have I learned a lot. Im still going. Thanks to all of you here.

You know who you are...

Needed to vent.

Had a few depressing days battling this and my habits.

Been going from trust in myself to questioning why Im here on this planet.
It makes me laugh that this breakup is causing this.

I don't want to care about her anymore & I still am.

Have had some parts meetings and tried to lay sh**t on the table. But getting frustrated. I need to really get busy and let this go. Curiosity, jealousness, rejection, revenge, confidence, laziness. Control. Peace, impatience, happiness... the room has been packed.

Both her words and actions still hurt. I want to put those away for a while.

Im getting angry again, which helps. I want a break from this. Im tired of her on my mind.

I find it helpful to identify what triggers certain feelings, and have plans in place to deal with those feelings.

You don't have to go through traumatic events to have a bad day, or be frustrated, believe me, as some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

I have many days that everything I touch turns to crap, and a lousy attitude (yes, sometimes I get those too) magnifies everything around me, and seems to make them worse.

I let them pass, and try not to bite anyone's head off (weathering the storm), and find something easy, and peaceful to do.

I find talking to myself and venting helps, but feel like an idiot when someone says, "who are you talking to?"

My wife tells me all the time to pull the covers over my head, when I'm having a bad day, so everyone can leave me alone. GRRR!!

Van, I hear what your saying.

The phrases, sayings and reasons my ex left me continues to be repeated over and over. Her having sex with someone else and poking jokes at it as if it were no big deal, eats away at my inner self like termites to rotted wood.

Though her and I went out for only a year, as opposed to your 5; I continued seeing her and further reducing my status and respect as a person.

You did the mature and amicable thing in NC. I would honestly give my left arm if I were to start all over again and do nothing but NC.

This is how strongly I feel, as my therapist today now has said I'm 'close to being hospitalized.'

What I'm trying to bring forth here, is that I know you respect yourself for straight NC through these times of personal hell, but to me, I consider you a god.

A 5 year relationship with a woman (whom I can relate very well with the kind of girl you went with, although mine's 13 years younger, which attracted to follow your status) and to continue with NC despite the hell of yearnings/rage/helplessness.

I hold you, Tal, Tao, and many others who have posted here and provided their worthy two cents, in extremely high regard.

Keep on with the updates.

Deleted for chat/text

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