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ginger68 · Aug 3, 2009, 07:24 PM

My son is 19 and he is making some really bad choices. He has dropped out of college, quit his job with benefits, and is hanging out with some really bad kids. I really have no say over what he does because he is 19 and really does not live at home any more. He yes's us to death when my husband and I try to talk to him. I am so scared that he is going to get in trouble with the law or hooked on drugs. Please give me some advice!:(

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 07:42 PM

There's nothing you can do except use reverse psychology. Act exactly how he least expects you to. Invite him over for a meal or a cookout, but do not bring up his poor choices etc. Talk with him about movies you've seen or TV shows or family gossip or how the garden is doing. Do something with him, like go horseback riding or fishing or sightseeing if you live near a big city. Treat him like a normal person. Be enthusiastic about the new little niece in the family or how big the tomatoes are getting or how funny the dog is. Show him how family life should be. Forget the scolding and crying and scare stories. If you've been good parents all these years, your training will bubble to the surface. In any event, he has to suffer the consequences of the poor choices he makes. You can't protect him any longer.

dontknownuthin · Aug 3, 2009, 07:46 PM

All I can suggest is that instead of giving advice, ask him questions like, "what do you picture for yourself - what are your dreams?" Talk to him in terms like, "well, I want you to be happy and reach your ambitions...if you don't know what will make you happy and inspired yet, I'd like you to be in a situation where you're likely to find that inspiration... so I'm trying to help. Can you see why your decisions lately worry me?" If he hears you worried for him and concerned for his happiness, it will sound a lot less like being told what to do. Best wishes to you!

aboleth · Aug 6, 2009, 05:13 PM

Kids at this age are listening. But they listen more when you allow them to be totally open. Many times this means just asking questions and never being judgemental. I'm almost 30 now, and I certainly had my times of hanging out with the wrong crowd. My mo was always there and let me talk to her about anything and never judged me. When she'd give advice I really listened. He may have to make a few mistakes, just always be there and listen. Don't judge, but dissaprove where you think you aught to.

jmjoseph · Aug 6, 2009, 05:21 PM

I think the most important thing is to make sure you don't try to push him. He's 19, and has gotten a certain amount of freedom. We all have to make our own mistakes. Just give him love and hope for the best. As far as the job, I hate to hear that in today's economy. Maybe he will get a "terrible" job that will make him realize what a good one is worth. I wish you the best.

Jake2008 · Aug 6, 2009, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by ginger68

my son is 19 and he is making some really bad choices. He has dropped out of college, quit his job with benefits, and is hanging out with some really bad kids. I really have no say over what he does because he is 19 and really does not live at home any more. He yes's us to death when my husband and i try to talk to him. I am so scared that he is going to get in trouble with the law or hooked on drugs. Please give me some advice!:(

He's dropped out of college, quit a good job, and spending his time hanging out. What do you think he's doing. If the 'really bad kids' he's hanging out with are just like him, some of them at least come from good homes too.

I suspect drugs and/or gang activity. What else could turn an otherwise productive individual to leave his usual life, and provide no explanations as to why. Or what he's doing for that matter, that seems a better choice to him now.

You say he 'really does not live at home anymore', what exactly does that mean. Is he allowed home for meals, laundry, a warm bed now and then? Is he totally on his own, or does he more come and go as he pleases. Do you give him money? Does he have a car?

Were there no signs whatsoever that he was doing poorly in school, or that he was unhappy attending college? What about his job- was he having trouble that you knew of, or did he just up and quit one day with no reason.

Has he been in trouble with the law before?

I just don't see so far, how this can all be a surprise. There must be some sort of history. Is there more you can offer to paint a clearer picture so that the advice you are given is based on more facts?