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Lemonade · Aug 1, 2009, 09:34 PM

The Basics:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, since 8th grade. I know it sounds a tad awkward to have been going out since such a young age, but it's worked for us. We've had our fights and low points in the relationship, but have never broken up or "taken a break" before. Most of our time together has been wonderful.

The Issue:
We are both headed off to college this fall (I should also add that travel time between our respective colleges are only about 30 minutes.) and awhile ago we mutually decided it would for the best to break up before we go our separate ways. We feel this would be the best as a way to avoid resentment / possible unfaithfulness / suspicion that might arise as the result of a long-distance relationship. Essentially, it's ending on a good note instead of a bad one.

We have shared several tearful, very painful discussions about this problem, and now that there is less than a month left 'til we both leave, there is an increasing amount of reminders of how little time we have left together. This is something that has caused both of us a lot of emotional hurting, but it still seems "for the best". However, as time ticks forward I'm beginning to think "Why wouldn't work out? Why can't we try?"

The Question:
My peers and friends have told me I'm stupid to throw away something so good, while most adults have praised us for being mature and future-oriented. What do you think? Should we break up a long-term relationship simply because of college?

taoplr · Aug 1, 2009, 11:51 PM

Originally Posted by Lemonade

The Basics:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, since 8th grade. I know it sounds a tad awkward to have been going out since such a young age, but it's worked for us. We've had our fights and low points in the relationship, but have never broken up or "taken a break" before. Most of our time together has been wonderful.

The Issue:
We are both headed off to college this fall (I should also add that travel time between our respective colleges are only about 30 minutes.) and awhile ago we mutually decided it would for the best to break up before we go our separate ways. We feel this would be the best as a way to avoid resentment / possible unfaithfulness / suspicion that might arise as the result of a long-distance relationship. Essentially, it's ending on a good note instead of a bad one.

We have shared several tearful, very painful discussions about this problem, and now that there is less than a month left 'til we both leave, there is an increasing amount of reminders of how little time we have left together. This is something that has caused both of us a lot of emotional hurting, but it still seems "for the best". However, as time ticks forward I'm beginning to think "Why wouldn't work out? Why can't we try?"

The Question:
My peers and friends have told me I'm stupid to throw away something so good, while most adults have praised us for being mature and future-oriented. What do you think? Should we break up a long-term relationship simply because of college?

You are doing the right thing by breaking up the way you are. You think clearly enough to let go of each other for your mutual benefit. Even though reason leads this decision, overcoming your hearts, this is a loving and responsible act. If you truly belong with each other you will find out by getting to know other people and choosing each other again. If you don't, you will always have good reason to respect one another.

The pain you feel won't damage you. Don't resist it. It's called loss... but you knew that...

Tao

cal823 · Aug 1, 2009, 11:55 PM

Its really up to you and your boyfriend to decide what is best for your relationship.
If its meant to be, it will work out. If not, then there will be someone else in future. True love will win through. If a relationship doesn't work out, it is likely that it isn't meant to, and that it is just getting out of the way of a future more important one.

Lemonade · Aug 2, 2009, 09:23 AM

That's what we are worried about, that if we stayed in the relationship while in college one or both of us would meet someone else and just cause more pain. We would end up resenting each other because our relationship would be "holding us back" from a new one.

Do you think it would be a good idea to still stay in contact after the break-up, or completely cut it off? I'd like to keep talking with him, but I don't know if that would cause more pain in the end...

snow124 · Aug 2, 2009, 09:30 AM

It'd be best to go no contact. You won't move on if you don't, and if you don't move on, the possibility of meeting someone which you intelligently are breaking up for in the first place will be all the more complicated.

taoplr · Aug 2, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by snow124

It'd be best to go no contact. You won't move on if you don't, and if you don't move on, the possibility of meeting someone which you intelligently are breaking up for in the first place will be all the more complicated.

I respectfully disagree. You can end up being lifelong friends. There has been no insult or betrayal between you so there's no reason to "discard" one another. As you get involved with school and your social life apart, your contacts will become less and less frequent. Break up, but don't shut down.

I do agree that it will be more complicated than shutting down. It will be healthier as well. You can handle it.

Tao

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 10:20 AM

I agree that you can stay in touch and still be best of friends and who knows when you both graduate if you are still both relationship free maybe it was meant to be for you to be together. So think of it as stages. You are going into another stage of life now. When you graduate you will be ready for another stage and can see if it will work getting back together for that stage.

s_cianci · Aug 2, 2009, 12:09 PM

Personally, I've never seen college as a reason for breaking up. Myself, I went away to college, 750 miles from home. Obviously I did not have any kind of significant other in my life at that time, otherwise I never would've made such a move. After all, it's not like there weren't any colleges close to home. And 30 minutes of travel time is nothing. Sounds to me like there's something else going on.

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 12:12 PM

Yeah if I were in love and wanting to go away to college I would be looking for compromises and solutions like what if you both found a college you could both attend or what about he goes to college and you move with him. Then when he gets done with college you both move to the college of your choice.

s_cianci · Aug 2, 2009, 12:15 PM

I also have to say that, frankly, I don't buy the whole "what if we meet someone else" crap! Hell, that can be an excuse to avoid relationships for the rest of your life. After all, it's easy to always say "What if I meet someone else?" "Oh gee, we'd better not get married because, what if I meet someone else later on?!" Or, "I'd better not accept that job, because, what if I get a better offer later on?" Now, you may say that's not analogous but it kind of is actually. I've been at my current job for 12 years and, in all that time I never received a better job offer. So where would I be if, 12 years ago, I had said "I'm sorry, I'm not going to accept your offer because, what if I get a better offer down the road?" Sorry if I'm bring overly blunt but to me, the whole "what if.." game is just a big cop-out and a red herring.

s_cianci · Aug 2, 2009, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

yeah if I were in love and wanting to go away to college I would be looking for compromises and solutions like what if you both found a college you could both attend or what about he goes to college and you move with him. Then when he gets done with college you both move to the college of your choice.

Yep! You got it. That wasn't so hard to figure out, was it? Even a freshman could think of that, I'm sure! No sarcasm intended.

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 12:22 PM

Have to spread the rep
I don't buy the 'what if' either at 54 I never found better of anything. You have to go with what you know at the time. If you have ''what if's... '' in your mind it can be something telling you that 'what is' may not be right be right for you. But to use it as an excuse it just doesn't work as S_cianni said. Either you see yourself with them or you don't

talaniman · Aug 2, 2009, 01:42 PM

The fact that you have reached a mutual agreement is a good sign, I think, of a pretty healthy relationship. No doubt, it will be hard to move along with someone else, without a lot of healing, and adjustments, for you both.

I think since you are aware of what a long distance romance can do, maybe this will work out, but I doubt you will be able to get into another relationship so soon, but you can both be free to have fun, grow, and change.

30 minutes apart isn't a lot though, but its like the old saying, "If you love someone,set them free, and see if they want to return on their own".

Time will tell, so get your educations, and see about the rest. After all, you have practically been together a very long time, as kids, but now the reality of adulthood is right in your face, so its time to deal with things as adults, and see what happens, as do we all.

taoplr · Aug 2, 2009, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Have to spread the rep
I don't buy the 'what if' either at 54 I never found better of anything. You have to go with what you know at the time. If you have ''what if's...'' in your mind it can be something telling you that 'what is' may not be right be right for you. But to use it as an excuse it just doesn't work as S_cianni said. Either you see yourself with them or you don't

They know what they are doing. Consider her words:

"We are both headed off to college this fall (I should also add that travel time between our respective colleges are only about 30 minutes.) and awhile ago we mutually decided it would for the best to break up before we go our separate ways. We feel this would be the best as a way to avoid resentment / possible unfaithfulness / suspicion that might arise as the result of a long-distance relationship. Essentially, it's ending on a good note instead of a bad one."

There's no dilemma. They both know where they stand with each other, still want to separate, and are experiencing their loss. Their overt reason (going to college) might not satisfy us, but if hat's what they want to put forward, I don't see the good in rubbing their noses in something hidden.

How many people do you know who separate gracefully?

Tao

N0help4u · Aug 2, 2009, 02:57 PM

Yeah I was just agreeing about S_cianni's point. They both know what they want but they shouldn't use what if as their reasoning in the long run.
It is mutual and that is good.