I want something to be wrong with me. I like being damaged. I want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. Its exciting to me. I feel that I have problems now but I want more. I want to feel more pain and cry more. Not physical pain but emotional. I want to feel like the worst person on earth. I want self destruction. What's wrong with me?? I think I might just want attention but I always push people away.

Simone,

You might like where the answers to these questions will bring you:

What would happen if you got your wish? What would occur if you got exactly the right amount of problems, emotional pain, and tears, if you felt like the worst person on earth and experienced self destruction? What would you do? What would change in you and around you? What would come next?

Is it about attention or something else? If you let the part of you that wants all that do its thing while the rest of you sits quietly for a few minutes and just listens to your mind, what comes up? Is it all about attention that in the end makes you uncomfortable so you push people away? What does the rest of you say?

While you are asking yourself those questions, try also asking what will happen if you don't get those things to occur. If you are physically and mentally healthy, live a long and fulfilling life, have friends and family who love you, and get to feel great, what will be the outcome?

Think through those questions and we can have a meaningful conversation.

Tao

Hi, Simone21295!

What's the best thing that could happen if you were to get your wish, please?

Thanks!

Yes, kind of like the question "Careful what you ask for."

You're correct there, Stringer! LOL!

Personally I think that if you want something to be horribly wrong with you then you my dear, already have something wrong with you.

Another problem solved and another wish granted.

Its hard to explain. Those feelings interest me. I want to figure them out. Find out why. I enjoy those feelings. I want to know if pain really is all in your head and if so why and how and why do I want it. What's the best thing that could happen? I wood get what I wanted. I wood be happy if I felt like the worst person and to cry more. Its complicated and hard to explain.

Let me get this straight, you WANT a mental illness or an extremely bad event to happen to you?! Wow... be careful what you wish for. Asking for things like this isn't going to get you the attention you want, at least not the good kind. If you were to tell your parents that they may take you to a doctor to evaluate your behavior. Do you really want to be known as the girl who is noticed for her problems and not the good she does? Go out with some friends and get out of the house more to get rid of this thought. Saying you want problems is actually a problem in its self. Like I said before... BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!! If something bad actually happens to you, you are going to regret wishing for it to happen because you are not going to be happy with the pain. People are only going to feel sorry for you not like you any more than they do now. I'm sure deep down you really don't want the pain. Relax and think about what you really want.

My mom won't let me go anywere. She's to overprotective. So I have no choice but to sit alone while she is at work and those things are what keeps crossing my mind.

Hmm, well the fact that you are thinking like this pretty much means you have big problems. People's goal in life is to be enlightened and happy, regardless of religion, race, etc. Everyone wants to be happy, so why would you WISH for a hold up? Maybe you want to be inspired to do something that changes the world? A lot of times when something changes is because the person who changed it dealt with hardships and it made them stronger. Don't wish for problems, it's quite selfish. If you want to be ill, brain damaged, etc. you need to seek therapy, either you ARE sick in the head or you want attention like you stated. Be happy that you don't have problems that affect your life, sometimes I wish that were the case for me and my peers.


EDIT: You've said constantly on different posts that your mom doesn't let you go ANYWHERE, frankly I find that absurd and a little mean. Tell your mom to enroll you in supervised activities like sports, an art class, etc. because the fact that when you're alone you get crazy wishes and thoughts like these means your not in a healthy situation. Talk to your mom about letting you do more things, she has to know what's going on and how you feel.

Sounds like his wishes have come true, since wanting those things, is a serious mental issue

I wanted to go to a therapist, but I didn't want anyone to know I was including my family. I think a therapist could answer my questions, but we don't have the money anyway. Most mentally ill people don't want therapy, so that leads me to think that I'm not mentally ill. I don't want therapy to fix my problems I want it to find out why I want problems. Is it a deficiency or did I bring this upon myself? Is it real or is it just a reaction to something else I don't know about myself? So now I decided to study psychology as a career.

I'm going to study psychology in my sophomore year of high school but I don't want problems. I am also going to study preschool child development to help me better understand how the mind develops. I think you are only posting this question for the attention. If I were a therapist right now I would come to the conclusion that you feel as though you are not getting enough attention from your peers and you are most likely bringing this "problem" upon yourself. Maybe talk to a school councilor about this or one of the therapists at your school, they are already paid for.

Let me get this right.

You want a mental illness.
But you don't want to be treated for a mental illness?

You say most mentally ill people don't want therapy.. not true!
Things like depression are considered an illness and I can assure you depressed people want help!

You need serious reality check girl, there are free clinics around, look in your phone book, you need to talk to a therpist or counselor about this problem.
You also need to tell your parents about it, not wanting treatment for a mental illness (which by wanting one is what you have) can lead too much more serious issues (think depression, and even suicide)

Make that appointment now.

I'm still really confused about the logic behind all of this wanting an illness, but I do agree that you should do something about it and tell your parents so they can help you find the help you need.

So, Simone, you have created a little stir, gotten some opinions, have had time to think about what people here have said about your question. Forgive me if I'm wrong, please, but I have the impression that you haven't yet done any real work on getting the answers. That work will be within yourself, not just asking us.

You presented an unusual position, and you describe what could be a sensational set of motivators for digging into the nature of human suffering. If you successfully went where you say you want to go—feeling like the worst person on earth, etc.—and came out without destroying yourself, you might actually get some insight and wisdom that you could put to use as you grow into adulthood. You might figure some things out and help a lot of people one day. More immediately, you wouldn't feel so bored being stuck in the house because your Mom won't let you go anywhere. You would be exploring the dark recesses of your mind.

If you are seriously thinking about becoming a therapist, know that many psychotherapists chose their profession while sorting out their own problems, and the work they did in themselves is what made the great ones great.

So, go, girl. Dig into those feelings and study the depths of despair. But first, set up the necessary relationships with school counselors and social services—both are free—so you have the direct support when you need it. And you will need it! Make the appointments; include your Mom; go and tell the real story to both counselors; let them be your backup. If they are good, maybe they can be more than backup; maybe they will be resources. If your Mom is reluctant, just tell her the truth. She'll go.

I posed some questions to you in an earlier post. If you are sincere about the position you presented to us, then ask yourself those questions (repeated below) and any other questions people ask you here. Do the work of looking into yourself and listening to the answers that come to you from your own mind. You want to understand? To know if there is something wrong with you, or maybe something very right, but not yet ripe, get to work within yourself and find out.

That is, unless you are just trying to shock people because you feel bad that your mother won't let you run free, or are bored, or something else. If you are just making up a s**t-stirring story to see what kind of a rise you can get out of this community, fess up, please, and we will sigh and relax, maybe even laugh with you.

The help you get from this forum depends on having a meaningful conversation. These questions (rewritten here) can lead to that interchange:

1. What would happen if you got your wish? What would occur if you got exactly the right amount of problems, emotional pain, and tears, if you felt like the worst person on earth and experienced self destruction, what would change in you and around you?
2. As a result, what would you do with those changes?
3. What will happen if you don't get that level of suffering to occur? If you are physically and mentally healthy,enjoy your life, have friends and family who love you, and get to feel great, what will be the result?
4. If you let the part of you that wants all that bad stuff to happen just do what it does, while the rest of you sits quietly and just listens to your mind, what comes up? Try it. Just sit and listen to your thoughts without censoring them. Let the part of your mind that wants to experience those bad feelings do what it wants, and feel what it wants. Leave it alone and listen to the rest of your mind. What does the rest of you say about this wish for suffering? Write it down.

Is it all about getting attention that in the end becomes too much?

Tao

There is one of two things happening here and I sincerely hope you are after the right one...

Either you want to experience pain for attention, whether it be positive attention or negative attention. You say you push people away but that is simply playing the part of the "poor me" girl with all the mental issues that you have probably seen in movies one too many times.

OR...

You understand that without suffering, one cannot truly know happiness.

The latter is a very true, very pure idea. And going into these situations with that mindset can be a very enlightening experience for you that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

However, if you claim that justification but go into these situations with the REAL reason being closer aligned to the first situation above, you will be VERY sorry. Your mind will not be ready to cope with the reality of those things and they will swallow you whole.

If you really are just the non-conformist girl with the mental issues that doesn't care about anyone and pushes people away and is the outcast but has everyone looking at her wondering... then do like most of them do and just make up those experiences in your life.

But if you are really seeking these experiences for the right reason, go forth with confidence... and enjoy ;)

I did think about those questions you asked over and over again. I don't know the answer to some but ill tell you what I'm thinking.
1. I'm not sure, but I want to find out. I don't know if its possible to have enough, but if it was then I would explore it.
2. I would enjoy it and then ill use it to figure out the answers to other things.
3. I've tried enjoying life, but id rather not. Id rather pick out all the bad things and hate life. I want to hate things, its more interesting. There's a reason behind hating something but there's not always a reason behind liking something, like a favorite color for example. If I didn't get what it I would keep trying.
4. what comes up is a lot of why questions. Also I compare how being happy makes me feel compared to how being depressed makes me feel. I also find excuses for the things and people that make me cry and those are the thoughts I try to ignore. Finding excuses wood make feel better but I don't want that.

I like what most have said here. But from first hand experience I can tell you a little story that might hopefully change your mind..

When I was about 15 my parents decided to move our family to a new town. Better schooling, better homes, better everything. I remember my parents would say that. I grew up in a very strict family. I couldn't go out with friends just for fun, I couldn't have a boyfriend, and couldn't do anything that a normal teenager could do. I started doing a ton of things that I said I would never do like cutting, drugs, drinking all because I thought I'd feel better if people felt sorry for me and I liked the depression feeling. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. I used to sit there and actually wish that I had more problems than I actually did. I remember thinking how it would be cool if someone close to me passed away, so people would feel bad for me. God knows all the problems that I did have. Anyway this went on for about two years. I had a huge connection with my grandmother. She was the only person in my family to actually let me be a normal teen. When she noticed I was changing she told me things would get better and she had faith that I'd recover. I completely ignored what my grandmother had to say even when she tried to get me some profession help. One month after that very conversation she passed away. I learned that she died because of a cardiac arrest. I became devastated. This was not what I wanted. This was not what I planned. I to this day feel horrible about not trying to get help. I feel horrible that I wished for something horrible like that to happen to me. This wasn't the "depression" I wanted.
So, Be careful what you wish for.
And Please my dear, try and get some help.

This is either a bogus post or you're just looking for sympathy from everyone.

People who do that latter always tell everyone about their "problems" as if the listener has a perfect life.

You are really, really immature.

And for the record your problem is that you want more problems, so technically you got what you wanted.