My new girlfriend is just one of the most wonderful women I've ever dated. We are both tumbling head over heels. The sex is frequent and the best I've ever had. However, I have a dark insecurity that I must overcome or I am going to ruin this.

She has a teenage daughter from a prior relationship when she became pregnant as a teen, and she has an experienced sexual history to match. I have a conservative history of several LTRs. I have no children and I've never lived with anyone.

I am jealous and insecure that she has already long ago experienced pregnancy and childbirth and has already tried raising a family with another man.

My personal goals include raising a family of my own biological children. We haven't talked about whether she wants more kids, it's too soon in the relationship to talk like that. Or maybe not.

I must destroy my weaknesses and insecurities. They don't show yet, but I don't want to rip apart what might turn out to be such a rewarding relationship. I must say that it would be a dealbreaker if it turns out she does not want more children. It would tear my soul.

My fiancé has two kids from a previous relationship, I know what you are going through. If you don't think you can handle it, end it now rather than wait. You would damage two lives as well as yours if the child got close to you.

Also, I talked to my fiancé early on about another child because I knew it would be a huge deal breaker if she wouldn't want another one. Communication solves a lot of these problems, but her past is her past and made her who you are attracted to today.

You stated she is a wonderful woman so go with that.

You can't change her past but you can work on building a future with her. You can even accept her child or you don't.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship and my fiancé accepts her and I wouldn't be with if he didn't. Also, he has a son from a previous relationship and he wouldn't be with me if I couldn't accept that. Recently we both had a baby boy and our relationship is still going strong.

It is good that your owning up to your insecurities but you knew she had a child before you enter into an exclusive relationship with her. She had a past and relationships before you and you have to deal with it. I could see if the two of you were together then she cheated and a child was produce from her affair but this isn't what happen.

So now the question is what are you going do right now? Live in the past or the present?

How long have you been dating exactly? Knowing her feelings on more children is important to you so you can decide if the relationship has a future. It doesn't have to be a big "heavy" conversation. It's a pretty common question to ask if someone wants more children.

I'm not sure of your age but you may have to accept that there are many desirable, relationship-worthy women out there that have children from previous relationships. So this is something you are likely to face everywhere you turn. So if this woman is everything you say she is, it'd be a terrible loss on your part to walk away because she's experienced certain things already.

One thing I know as a single mom, I could never be with a man that couldn't treat my son from my previous relationship the same as any biological kids we may have together. If this is something you don't think you can do, you may need to walk away before things get deeper.

I don't know how to get over insecurities like this. I know that I, at one time, had them also. But I think I experienced enough relationships that were torn apart by insecurities that I finally was able to look past it.

It's got to be one of the hardest things to do but I guarantee it is also one of the most rewarding to put complete trust, honesty, and unconditional love into a relationship.

Be thankful that she experienced the things that she did at the age that she did... for THAT is the reason why she is "the most wonderful women [you've] ever dated"!!

I would find a way to get over your insecurities. She sounds like she could be the one and your going to possibly let it slip away. So what if she has a past. At least you know about it. Isn't it better knowing up front then finding out later? Just be happy she is who she is. Her past is the past. This is the present and you need only to worry about the future. As far as her child. So what. Who is to say your not going to end up having a wonderful rewarding relationship with the kid? You don't know unless you get past it and try. Don't ruin your chance at love.

You need to stop the insecure/jealous thoughts by accepting that she is with YOU now. Her past is her past. Very likely she is tired of the dead end relationships, tired of being alone, tired of not knowing if and when someone special will come along.
So in other words, you just may be what she needs at this point in her life.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

The advice given in the 'don't look... ' proverb is: when given a present, be grateful for your good fortune and don't look for more by examining it to assess its value...
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth

If she's coming back for more, you are doing something right.

I think your insecurities, are fed by jealousy, that you are assuming she doesn't want to have your children in the future, because she has one of her own. ( Or so you may see it that way.)

This changes your hopes, and dreams, of YOUR future happiness, goals, and dreams. That's why I believe your dwelling on her past, because it changes your future.


For all the fun, and feelings now, it doesn't look that appealing for the long term, unless a lot of communications brings about a healthy compromise, and the true facts about what SHE wants in the future.

How long have you been together?

Great advice so far. Every reply has meant something to me and given me something important to consider. It's helping to keep me rational instead of emotional while I'm in new territory that I don't understand yet. Thanks.

I have plenty of room in my heart for her daughter. I'm not worried about that.

I had always expected that I'd eventually settle down with a girl then start a family and we would both experience everything together as new as the same time. I've had girlfriends over the years with whom I believed this could be the outcome, but it didn't work out.

In my 30s I'm finding that the women I date now who haven't been through marriage or children yet are broken emotionally in some way that prevented it in the first place. I went through a heck of a breakup with a long-term girlfriend a few months ago over some stupid reasons that were her fault through her childish behavior. I realize now that she was too emotionally damaged to withstand the tests of life. But what a waste of the years!

It seems that some of the most healthy available women out there are the ones who've already tried once with someone else but it didn't work, and the stigmas of dating a single parent have kept them from finding worthy new mates. My current girlfriend is a great example of a beautiful, generous and caring woman that was removed from the dating pool in her teens and then raised a daughter. How incredibly lucky for me that our paths crossed and she fell for me! She's probably thinking how lucky she is that she found me and that I'm open to bringing them both into my life... She just emailed me while I was typing that. It makes my eyes moist with joy.

When we met and started dating a couple months ago I rationalized this as a relationship for which I had no specific expectations. We enjoyed each others company and I was OK with whatever direction it went. Yet recently I've unexpectedly realized that she might be "The One" material and I didn't expect to fall this hard for her. Letting her slip away is something I could regret for the rest of my life.

But I'm suffering from selfish animal instincts. I expect mothers to put their children first and foremost above everything else. There's a part of that other guy in her daughter that will always come before me, and that can be difficult to accept. When I have kids I'd expect the mother to put our children before me too, but those children would be a part of me too so it seems natural.

I guess it comes down to finding out whether she's open to having more children. Maybe this is what I'm wound up about. I've only known her for two months, so I'm working on the best way to ask her if she wants more kids someday without sounding like an idiot who wants to have kids with some woman he barely knows. I'm afraid of the answer. I'll ask tomorrow.

There is nothing wrong with asking her if she plans on having more kids in the future. It doesn't mean the two of are going make one tomorrow. This is your biggest fear but communication will stop you from guessing and getting this off your chest is a good thing.

Since this relationship is fairly new take time getting to know each other and have fun in the process.

Dude, I know this might sound counter productive but you need to back up a bit. You are only 2 months into this and have nothing but time ahead. Having said that and after reading your last post you have too much to offer a woman and a child not get to wrapped up this quickly.

We all have ideas of what course we think our lives should take. It usually doesn't work out as we plan. There are no guarantees. Be thankful that you found a great woman that you love and that loves you back. Maybe biological children are in your future, maybe they are not. But if you break up with her over this issue, there is still no promise that you will end up with children of your own.

I agree that this is still early in the relationship.

In my past relationships I was either too young to desire children or I already knew that she'd given thought to kids in the future. No worries. Now I have an unfamiliar situation and I'm blind. This woman might be done with raising children and have other plans. I need to know this.

From here onward I'm only going to fall even more for her, and her feelings are snowballing too. Our chemistry is that good. I am surprised at how strong my feelings have grown in just the last week. I didn't think this would happen.

There is a point soon where turning back would be heartbreaking for both of us, and possibly painful for her daughter too. If she's ruled out more children from her future, this is a dead end for me now.

Chuff, I used to think I had nothing but time ahead. Relationship after dead-end relationship fills the years and I'm starting another circle again. The single women I'm dating are getting scarcer, scarier and more unstable. I'm coming to terms with the idea that the most qualified women for me now have been there already without me. Now I'm trying to adjust to the reality of that. But I can't afford to waste a year or two with her and have my heart broken if she's not open to more kids in the future.

If it's that important, have the conversation in a casual way, before you assume, and presume further, or fall in deeper. AND tell her why you asked.

At least you will have FACTS to make a reasonable decision with, and can realistically evaluate where you want to go from there.

No reason to make this a real big deal, as at this point, your only exploring each other any way. Clear the air. While I think your moving too fast, and making this bigger than it has to be, I don't think you can back up either. Be nice if you did though, because there is no guarantee this will even lead to that point where it IS a real issue.

This is an update, thanks again for your advice. I did not ask the question as it really is too early and I couldn't work it into conversation without being pathetic or needy sounding.

I am falling much too hard too fast right now. I'm getting emotionally deeper into this faster than she is. I need to get control of this now. This woman has a power over me that I've never felt in my life, and I'm not a newbie. The attraction seems mutually powerful for her because she says she has feelings she hasn't known for many years. She's entwining me into her life with future plans, but she's also surprised at how fast we're moving.

When she drove away a while ago I walked back into the house, sat down, and cried. This is f'd up. Not sad crying but I'm scared to death crying. No one has ever done that to me, ever. I'm not going to let her see that crap, that's for damn sure. God, what the hell was that? This woman could destroy me. Oh, no.

It'll be a while before I see her again. This is good for me. I'd like to give her a week w/out me being there.

Bridle your fear, and balance your lives, with other things besides each other.

Those intense feelings will get you won't they.

After thinking about this and going out with some friends I've settled down a bit. I think she's also worried about feelings spiraling out of control too quickly. She could be thinking, what if this guy really can't handle my lifestyle and he does break my heart? I really am the one who's rushing faster unnecessarily, yet I'm worried about her breaking my heart. That is stupid.

I am scared of this. I feel something with this woman that is more powerful than I'm used to. This could hurt me bad, could hurt her, and I know there's more than just two people in this. Dating a single parent is new territory for me and I'm getting hit by unfamiliar emotions. I have extra responsibility to not be a selfish jerk. We were both hurt by breakups within the last few months and are still healing wounds.

Thanks for reminding me. Fortunately this is a busy week for both of us.

:rolleyes: I didn't expect to get carried away this fast with this girl. I didn't expect to feel this. I'm still really shocked. I have to slow down.

What I'm getting from your post is fear, fear, fear.

Fear of wasting your time.
Fear of not having a child.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of things moving too fast.
Fear of the future.

This woman won't destroy you. You'll destroy yourself by projecting all of your fears onto her. You can't change her past and the future is unknown and can give you no certainty.

How about living in the present? All your energy is being directed towards your fears about how things MIGHT turn out. This is stopping you from enjoying the present - which sounds pretty good, by the way.

What you have to slow down is the rush to predict the future. You can't. It will be as it is.

You've found a woman that you care about and who you feel good with. Stop sabotaging yourself and enjoy yourself. You've been given a gift, be thankful.

You're right. I'm projecting more than just fears onto her, also my hopes and my own experiences. It would be me destroying myself when it collapses under the weight.

The present is wonderful. I'll try living in it for a while. :)