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mominnewyork · Sep 20, 2006, 12:40 PM

I have been married 18yrs got married when we were 21.My husband thinks I cheat on him.I have had more boyfriends then he had girlfriends when I was younger.I have lied to him about money and bills but I have taken out home equity loan to get our bill back in order.It comes out of my paycheck.But I have never cheated on him .He is real friendly with women,but I don't think has cheated.He checks my phone the computer everything.Im thinking of ending it because I don't want to deal with it anymore.I love him and want to be forever but that's all long time to put up with this.we have 2 children an 18yr and 11 yr old. I think Im getting depressed ,or sometimes I think Im going to have a nervous break down I don't like confrontation.some advise please

J_9 · Sep 20, 2006, 12:52 PM

Sometimes this is an action that the cheater does to project his guilt on to the other person in the relationship. I am in no way saying that your husband is cheating, but I have known many cheaters who accuse and blame their spouses for cheating when they are the ones actually doing the cheating!

On the other hand, does he know you have lied about money and taken out loans to cover up? If so, he may not trust you in many ways and this would be one.

It seems as though you have given him reason to doubt you (money, etc) so he may be afraid for you to take it one level higher.

kp2171 · Sep 20, 2006, 01:08 PM

Yep.

Either he

1) honestly does believe you are cheating, complicated by his trust issues
2) isn't sure but thinks you should be punished for trust issues
3) is guilty himself and is projecting it onto you
4)??

Not a fun place to be. Money issues can seriously hurt a relationship. It isn't just about money, its about working together in a marriage.

Either way, whether he believes it or he is projecting other issues into this "problem", sounds like you need to talk it out or get some help if you want this to last.

J_9 · Sep 20, 2006, 03:17 PM

Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't money one of the main reasons for divorce?

Again I am wondering since you seriously committed a breach of trust, then why wouldn't you commit adultry?

I am just trying to think like him with the little info I have.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 20, 2006, 03:18 PM

It sounds both of you have lied and cheated , maybe not had sex with someone else, but have not been open with the other person.

You both need some counseling, the issues you say you have done are serious and I would bet he has his issues also.

Skell · Sep 20, 2006, 04:37 PM

There are some serious trust issues between the two of you that you BOTH need to work on.
Is there more to this storey?
Have you given him reason, other than lying about money, for him to think you have cheated?
Please be honest? Have you been going out with people without him more, working later, friendly with a work colleague?
Can you tell us anything that may give him reason to suspect you other than you have lied in the past?
Telling us this may help us give you advice on how to regain his trust and repair your marriage.
Unless you want out that bad and this is an excuse to leave?
Sorry, not insinuating anything here. Just throwing up options that we have seen here before?

momincali · Sep 20, 2006, 04:44 PM

Has he always been this way? I mean, since you were dating? If so, why would you marry him? Is there anything, besides the money thing (which is huge by the way) that you do that would make him feel this way or create doubt?

s_cianci · Sep 20, 2006, 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by mominnewyork

I have lied to him about money and bills but I have taken out home equity loan to get our bill back in order.

Unfortunately, there's red flag #1. You've lied to him about financial matters so he doesn't trust you when it comes anything else either. If he thinks he has even the slightest suspicion he's going to think you're cheating. You've woven yourself quite a tangled web here. You've got to win back his trust and confidence. For starters, don't do anything that would lead him to suspect you of cheating. Next, some honest, heartfelt communication is needed. You've got to assure him that you won't lie to him anymore about anything. Then keep your word. Remember, trust is something that has to be earned ; it doesn't just happen.

talaniman · Sep 24, 2006, 04:31 AM

I find it interesting that you admit to lying about money and mad at your husband for not trusting you. Not only is there a lack of trust but also no COMMUNICATION, which makes all the small problems even bigger. To be honest I wouldn't trust you either. Doing things behind a partners back is not going to gain trust or confidence. Time to sit him down and come clean and be honest with yourself and him and give him a chance to work things out in his own mind as I imagine he may not believe you at first, and be suspicous. Its important for you to drop the attitude and realise that your actions have put you both in this position.