My 3 yo daughter camped out in our office with her two male cousins (3 and 5). My husb walked in, and saw our daughter standing with her underwear down. The boys were just looking at this point. He told them to cut it out and sent them back to bed. I didn't know this had happened. After we went to sleep, she came in and asked if she could sleep with us because the boys were "being crazy". This meant nothing to me. She'd never asked to sleep with us before, but I didn't think much of it. The next evening, my husb FINALLY told me what happened the previous night. When I very gently asked our daughter about it, she told me they told her to remove her undies, and after that, daddy came in and got mad at them. I left it at that. She slept with us that night. The next morning, she and I talked a bit more. I asked if anyone touched her special parts. She said that the 5yo did, but not the younger cousin. She pointed to her vagina and her bottom.

So, what now?! My nephews' parents spoke to their sons the next day, but NEVER mentioned anything to me, and more importantly, to my daughter... their niece. My husb and I are not on the same page with this. I keep reading that is NORMAL exploration. Okay, for the explorers, it may be "normal". But, what about to my little girl? Because of her cousins' exploration, her idea of "normal" has been skewed. For 24 hours, it was "normal" for someone that she plays with and loves to look at and touch her genitals. I know it wasn't totally okay with her, because she crept into our room in the middle of the night.

Please tell me if I'm crazy. My husband and I never fight, and we've been fighting on and off again since last Thanksgiving about this. My job as a Mother is to protect and defend my daughter without regret or apologies. I love her and am hurting for her. Please help. Our family is shredding. :(

Thank you.

I would recommend, together with your husband, to explain to your daughter that she didn't do anything wrong, but that she shouldn't be engaged in that type of "activity."
It IS normal for both young boys and young girls to explore their bodies alone and together, regardless if it is with a family member or a friend etc.
However, I understand your position and your husbands position on this. Neither you OR your husband are wrong in your views. You both are right on the specific points you are stressing. It's natural, but you don't want this kind of behaivor in your daughters life. You need to both come to an agreement on this, and soon.
At her age, it is natural, however, you don't want her to continue in this practice.
Also, at her age, she won't be as disturbed by this as you seem to be.
Based on her reaction you accounted, I would assume that that experience didn't scar her for life, and it shouldn't become a suppressed memory. With any luck, it won't become a memory at all.
Neither you OR your husband are wrong in your views.

First things first, the oldest here is 5. Unless there's some older person abusing the boys (not suggesting there is) they're not likely to do any real physical harm as they're naturally curious as to gender items. You need to have a rational discussion with your nephew's parents about this, but it is a normal thing for kids of that age to play "doctor".

What I feel you need to do is teach your daughter "Good Touch - Bad Touch" and soon. (Google it)

Yes, your job as a Mother is to protect and defend your daughter, as well as to teach her to handle some problems on her own by giving her the necessary tools.

Helicopter parenting isn't a good thing in my view. I believe the child needs to know that they are empowered to make judgments based on what they are taught and to know that you'll be there to guide them without swooping down from the rafters.

I have a psychology text book that explains what is happening at that age...

Im going to paraphrase, "By the age of three most children know that there is a difference between themselves and the opposite sex. The become curious of thier own genital region, and of the opposite sex. Between the age of 5 and 7 is when 15% of males, and 20% of females, in a college study the students recalled, thier first experience with masturbation. Playing doctor is a very common game, esspecially between the ages of 5 and 7, usullay it doesn't go beyound showing, but there are many cases where there is fondling and touching. Apparently, if not with a brother/ sister, or a cousin, then a child will find other ways to learn about their sexual curiousity." _ Understanding Human sexuality

It seems that the boys were just curious, you may need to explian to your daughter that she shouldn't let them touch her there, and explain the ideas of boundaries. Also, let the parents of the boys know that they may consider talking to the boys, not that they did something wrong, but that it maybe best to explain to them that they can't go touching girls/ others like that.

It's a bad idea to tell them not to fondle themselves, masturbate, as it can cause very sierious issues later on. We all should have the right to explore ourselves, so long as its in "Prinvate". That's what the book basically says.

You will have to decide how to explain to your daughter that the boys were just curious, and that she is allowed to say, "no" And even call for Mum and Dad. I think that would be very important to touch base on.

Try to be calm, and understanding, they are just curious. I realise this is your daughter, and I can't comment on that since I'm not a parent. I am an uncle, and I have never come across any situation like that. It's ultimatly your decision. I hope your daughter is OK.

May peace and kindness be with you.

Let me add my 2 cents. Yes this is totally normal curiousity. The boys are unlikley to be abusers and your daughter unlikely to be scarred by the incident.

The thing that I don't like here is the secrecy. Your husband should have told you, but in a way to not make a big deal out of it. The two of you should have then talked it over with the boys parents so that their parents can explain appropriate behavior to their sons. You then need to do the same with your daughter.

But it needs to be emphasized to all the parents and the children, that while no one did anything bad, what they did is not something they should continue to do.

Go to the library, the librarian should help you find books that will help you explain this to the children.

I agree, and I understand why you would feel the way you do too.

Age three is right about that time they are taught about their private parts. Age appropriate information is taught, and then reinforced when they start school. At some point along the way, it sinks in that nobody should touch their private parts, and if somebody does, they need to tell mommy.

I wouldn't be worried over this episode. I think your husband made a point, and the little boys got it.

My $.02. This is an excellent thread.

Don't scold. Everyone's parents should explain boundaries.

Your child should be instructed to tell you if anybody tries to touch her in these "special places" especially if they linger.

I's also important to explain "accidental" contact and contact such as you washing her in the shower.

"intimicy" is reserved for relationships. I'm not sure how to explain the concept of intamicy to a 3 year old.

It is, "natural curiousity". I don't know if you can explain the concept of "laws" to a 3 year old. Parent's make "laws" about bedtime etc. Government makes laws about certain behaviors.

For now, you have made a "law" that dictates touching boundaries.

No punishment for anybody. Just educate them.

Hey, maybe you should watch Operah? It's on sex and when to have the talks, and when things are being done (like oral sex is a common thing in middle school... ) and how to talk to your children.

YOu may benafit from it, or at least see if you can't find the basic points on the operah site.

Yes I watch operah, no I don't really like it, but my sister does. I prefer the Dr's show, though it's become too comertionalized and has beome all about sex. Kind of lame when you don't get ot learn anything new.

Peace and kindness be with you.