I really need to talk to someone no matter what I do it is never good enough for my mother. I love her very much but we cannot get along at all, I really would love to have a relationship to where we could be friends.
I am 30 yrs. Old I have been married for almost 14 years.my father was a acholic and was abusive to me and my mother, that's 1 reason why I married so young was to get away from it all.
Luckily, I have a wonderful man but anyway my mom called me a bidy tonight on the phone and told me to move off her land and that if I wasn't her daughter that she would hate me and you know words really do hurt sometimes, I have a younger brother who is 21 and that is her baby I am not jealous at all, but it feels like I do everything for both of them.
I loan mom money all the time and I'm not even working and no matter what I do if I mention anything about needing something like help after I had my hysterectomy with housework she will say what have you done for me and folks I know this is a big run on sentence but I'm typing from the heart .
But when I say mom I do a lot for you like I gave her $1000.00 to get her into the home they live in now, and never asked for it back, I had the power turned on for her and the phone put in my name, when I answer her questions she gets really mad and says I'm sick and tired of you always throwing things up to me.
I wish I could afford to move right now, but I'm out of work for awhile due to an injury. But I just wrote her a check today for my so called part of the yearly land taxes and she tells me all the time to get off her property and never call her again and never come back to her house...
I just don't know what to do! I am at my wits in and it breaks my heart but I'm so afraid she is turning me against her and God knows I really don't won't that to happen but for some reason I feel like she dosen't love me at all, she told me when she dies not to come to her funeral at all.
Does any of this make any sense I'm heartbroken and angry.
She says when I ask her why she treats me this way that she is the mother and she can say whatever she wants to towards me but I should resect her and not open my mouth and I do have a bit of a temper but I am very open-minded and I can be blunt at times but I do not offer advice unless I'm asked.
I maybe could understand if I had been a bad daughter but I've never caused my mother a bit of worry I've never asked her for 1 penny of money since I was 14 years old and working at a local grocery store.
She's never had to pay 1 bill for me ever in my life.
But yet she is all the time laying a guilt trip on me that I'm hateful to her and I honestly don't feel that I am. And I always say mom if I sounded hateful I am sorry.
But, she has never appologized to me ever.
She expects me to help pay her bills for her and I always have tried to help when I can, but I don't feel like its my place to keep her and my brother up which that is another subject but I just feel that my brother who lives with her should help her pay bills if she is having a hard time financially but all he cares about is what I can do for him also.
Someone please resopnd back tonight I will be waiting I don't know what in the world to do. I'm getting really depressed and having stupid thoughts I've cried all night since she called be a and told me not to call her again.
She teels me to move and I pay land taxes on her land for my little 1/2 acre. And she rules every thing even down to when I can let my dog outside.I just feel if I'm paying for this spot I live on that the least she could do is not try to run me off all the time, I don't understand I don't party or have friends over or play loud music I go to church and try to live the best I can but I'm at my wits end. Please I need some good advice. :confused:

I really need to talk to someone no matter what I do it is never good enough for my mother. I love her very much but we cannot get along at all, I really would love to have a relationship to where we could be friends.
I am 30 yrs. Old I have been married for almost 14 years.my father was a acholic and was abusive to me and my mother, that's 1 reason why I married so young was to get away from it all.
Luckily, I have a wonderful man but anyway my mom called me a bidy tonight on the phone and told me to move off her land and that if I wasn't her daughter that she would hate me and you know words really do hurt sometimes, I have a younger brother who is 21 and that is her baby I am not jealous at all, but it feels like I do everything for both of them.
I loan mom money all the time and I'm not even working and no matter what I do if I mention anything about needing something like help after I had my hysterectomy with housework she will say what have you done for me and folks I know this is a big run on sentence but I'm typing from the heart .
But when I say mom I do a lot for you like I gave her $1000.00 to get her into the home they live in now, and never asked for it back, I had the power turned on for her and the phone put in my name, when I answer her questions she gets really mad and says I'm sick and tired of you always throwing things up to me.
I wish I could afford to move right now, but I'm out of work for awhile due to an injury. But I just wrote her a check today for my so called part of the yearly land taxes and she tells me all the time to get off her property and never call her again and never come back to her house...
I just don't know what to do! I am at my wits in and it breaks my heart but I'm so afraid she is turning me against her and God knows I really don't won't that to happen but for some reason I feel like she dosen't love me at all, she told me when she dies not to come to her funeral at all.
Does any of this make any sense I'm heartbroken and angry.
She says when I ask her why she treats me this way that she is the mother and she can say whatever she wants to towards me but I should resect her and not open my mouth and I do have a bit of a temper but I am very open-minded and I can be blunt at times but I do not offer advice unless I'm asked.
I maybe could understand if I had been a bad daughter but I've never caused my mother a bit of worry I've never asked her for 1 penny of money since I was 14 years old and working at a local grocery store.
She's never had to pay 1 bill for me ever in my life.
But yet she is all the time laying a guilt trip on me that I'm hateful to her and I honestly don't feel that I am. And I always say mom if I sounded hateful I am sorry.
But, she has never appologized to me ever.
She expects me to help pay her bills for her and I always have tried to help when I can, but I don't feel like its my place to keep her and my brother up which that is another subject but I just feel that my brother who lives with her should help her pay bills if she is having a hard time financially but all he cares about is what I can do for him also.
Someone please resopnd back tonight I will be waiting I don't know what in the world to do. I'm getting really depressed and having stupid thoughts I've cried all night since she called be a and told me not to call her again.
She teels me to move and I pay land taxes on her land for my little 1/2 acre. And she rules every thing even down to when I can let my dog outside.I just feel if I'm paying for this spot I live on that the least she could do is not try to run me off all the time, I don't understand I don't party or have friends over or play loud music I go to church and try to live the best I can but I'm at my wits end. Please I need some good advice. :confused:[/QUOTE]

Is your mother an alcoholic like your father? You'd do yourself best to move away from her and your brother. Have you spoken to your priest or minister? They can offer help and guidance and maybe even a place to stay for a while. I had a priest once tell me to just place my problems at the feet of Jesus. That's why he died for us all, give her up to Jesus and walk away. Maybe someday your relationship will heal, but until then it sounds like you need to help yourself first. I'll pray for you and your mother. God Bless you.

Thanks barbara for the reply, I have cried for 3 straight days, but to answer your questions,
No, mother is not an alcoholic, sometimes I feel I could deal with this better if she was. Lol
And I do have a minister to talk to but its my uncle, the pastor of my church is my mother's brother and mother also attends this church, I've tried in the past to talk to him but he says he can't get in the middle because that is his sister I know that does't sound right but, he really is a good man of God, so I don't even bother anymore.
Sad part about all this is my mother will twist everything around and swear that it is all my fault, and God knows the truth I have tried to be good to my family.
Now, I would move in a heartbeat but as I said earlier right now, I'm out of work and really don't have the money to move I just recently had surgery and things are kind of tight for my husband and I. believe me, just as soon as I get my settlement from my injury that will be the very first thing I do is move, we have just thought about renting until that but it would be hard on us fincially.
And yes, my brother uses me too and I blame myself for letting them do it and I realized that awhile back and now that I'm standing up for myself they put me through hell.
I am so sad right now, because my mother is turning me against her. Words that are said hurt sometimes and just like on old fence post...
You may drive as many nails in a fencepost as you wish but even though one day you go to remove that nail the scar is still in that ole piece of wood and there's no way of mending that and that's kind of how I feel with my mother she treats me so bad and even though she has never said I'm sorry, but once she says these awful, hurtful things she can never take them back the scar in my heart is always there but I do know in time God will heal my heart.
But until then I feel so alone and empty I think sometimes I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
But again barbara thanks for your reply it did help I would appreciate it if you would keep replying it helps me to get my mind off things so much when I read other peoples points of view
Thanks,
jody

Hiya Jody,

I am so sorry about everything you are going through at the moment. It would be hard enough to deal with an aggressive mother without all the other trying things in your life to cope with as well.

I just wondered about your husband - you said that he is really supportive etc. could you ask him to talk to your mother on your behalf so that he can explain how hurtful and damaging her actions and comments are towards you?

Anyway, big hugs,
Hope things get better :)

I know I like when people help me see things from a different point of view too, so let me tell you this...

I have a "similar" situation at home. My mom and her mom are fighting all the time. Mostly because my grandma is a really tough person to live with, driving my mom nuts sometimes. Granny also had this problem, something_i_dont_know_name_for_in_english when (ugh, I'm missing words) this thing through which blood flows in her brain snapped. So half of her body was paralyzed. She also fell twice, breaking one hip. Granny recovered (physicaly) now, but something in her brain also changed. It all started then. She gets so easily pissed off, and it drives us all mad (there's 6 of us in the house, granny, mom, dad, sister, brother and me). But then again, I know she's gone through hell and back, recovering from that "problem" she had, being immobile, lonely in her room when no one was at home, and we really can't do anything but help her in these last few days she has.

Maybe something happened to your mom too. I don't mean physically, but you know, as people grow old, they, for instance, become senile. That might change them. Now that is something you're not responsible for, and you can't really do something about it, but you should see if that's the problem. If you know something like that happened, it should make you feel better, because you know, they can imagine things that aren't true, they might start acting strange...

... but on the other hand, if nothing like that happened to her, and she's perfectly healty, then I'd say you need to put an end to it. No matter who she is (even your MOTHER), you should not put up with abusive behaviour. If you've never done her harm, if you tried (and I see you did) to be a good child, then she is just evil to treat you that way. I'll say it again... no matter who she is, she has no right to abuse you. You seem like a perfectly good woman, I can see that this whole situation bothers you a lot, but one thing I've learned is: if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. If she wants you not to call her, don't.

I know it's hard on you, but when you're emotionally hurt, I've found the best cure to be physical work. And I don't mean unloading trucks, anything from cleaning the house to making small things out of wood or paper, helps. If you are able to, try to find yourself some work (if health currently allows you to). Just to keep your brain busy with other things. And ask your husband to help you keep it up. If your mom decided she doesn't want to be friends with you, you can't make her think different. Only time can.

Try not to contact her, it's really the only way to change something so you stop getting what you're getting.

May the light always shine upon your path...

Kresho

My niece could have written just about word for word the relationship she has had and tried for awhile to have a friendship with her mother, my sister. It's such a shame when they won't acknowledge the things you do for them and it's never good enough but when someone else does something they are rated as an angel and a good person. My niece finally came to realize she will never have 'true' mother that will call you, want to go out and do things together, give you an ear when you need to talk, comfort you when your hurting and all the good things that make the word "MOTHER" a title a lot of women don't deserve because they make no attempt to be a mother or try to learn how to be that person you would want a mom to be. I'm so ever grateful that my mother (also my sister's mom) was a loving, caring, open hearted woman that you could trust with anything and she'd try to help you understand things not ridicule you and call you names. I wish she was still here today-God rest her soul.

Maybe you have to make a decision for yourself that might be in your best interest even though it will hurt but you'll stop hurting too.

Jan

I know how it feels to love someone, like a mother, and have them treat you worse than they would treat a stranger. My advice: do what she asks and get out. The situation sounds unhealthy for all involved. You need peace, get out and get some peace for you and your husband. Find a new church and let God sort it out for you. He can, and will you know. Get some therapy to get this relationship in perspective, maybe you will have to accept that you and your mother will never be close or even friendly and then seek out the support of another woman whom you respect.
Everything will be okay, but stop letting people use you and treat you like garbage, that is not God's will for your life.
Take care

That is a very sad situation. I know it is very hard to accept but it sounds to me she is never going to be a mother to you. I think at this point you have to accept that she is who she is. The only way this situation is going to change unfortunately, is if you change it. Not change her because she doesn't even see her issues, but change how badly you allow her to treat you. People can only treat us bad, when we allow them to. What I suggest is you have a conversation with her and explain to her, very calmly, almost with no emotion, that at this point in your life you have decided that you are not going to allow her to hurt you anymore. Tell her that you feel your relationship with her is very unhealthy and that you are no longer going to be in situations that make you feel badly. Tell her that until she is able to work on your relationship with each other and treat you like a decent human being you do not want to have a mother, daughter relationship with her. Don't ignore her but don't show any type of emotion to her. She sees your weakness and she uses that against you. What I see is that she knows all you want is for her to approve of you, accept you, and love you. Because of the way she is she sees that as a way to take advantage of you. It's sad but true. You have to take control of this situation. When she sees strength in you, things will change. Just treat her as you would treat any other person that you don't really know. Personable, but not personal. When she says things to harm you, don't react back. This will make the biggest immpression on her and really throw her off. The truth is she wants a reaction from you. Try it and let me know how it works. Good Luck.

I need an opinion... my mother has lent me money for some computer programs and we get our cell phones together so I deposit mine in her account every month to pay for mine and pay her monthly to pay her back for my programs. Lately, my work has been slow, and I will not have the money until next week to pay her for my cell phone and she came to my house today and said Why am I doing this to her and she wants her money for my cell phone or I can cancel it she wants it out of her name and doesn't want to help me anymore... I have never done anything negative towards her, and even offered for her to live with us since her husband died. She treats me worse than a bill collector and I am her daughter. She has called me before if I have been a day late and also harassed me like that... like I am doing it on purpose.. I don't have money a lot in the bank, but she has a lot of it in the bank from her mother, my grandmother who gave her everything, so it is not that she needs it. Don't get me wrong if I owe it I don't expect someone else to pay it, it is how she treats me. She helps her one older grandson with money yet tells me and my sister that she has no money, when we know she does. Everything she ever did for for us she brings up all the time that she did this and that for us. I can't take the way she treats me anymore.

Jody,
First I would like to say that I am new to this so please take my advice with a grain of salt. Your situation is not all that uncommon, but it is very sad just the same. I have a good friend in a situation very much like yours. People want their parents love. Have you brought this to your pastor? Some times the best thing is just place it on the prayer list. While advice is easy come easy go, it is Gods healing and comfort that you need. You can not force your mother to love you! It seems more and more common for parents to ignore their children, not only when just a child but even as adults. There are some good books to read on relationships, but most of them refer to husband and wife,, I personally don't know of any on parent relationships, but there may be some good one to read that you could get some advice. I have read one called "Love Must be Tough" by Dr James Dobson that could perhaps some logic could apply. Basically it states that one just not accept some behavior and if you must the move out and illustrate how serious the issue is and then allow time for healing to begin. Again, just because you seek your mothers love, doesn't mean you will ever get it, for you cannot force someone to love you. But you must realize that is is not your fault!! People have to want to change themselves, but if they are showing behavior such as your mom then perhaps what you need is tough love. Explain to your mom that while she not love or show love to you that there is some behavior that you will not accept! If she begins to bother you about things then just leave, do not argue for it gets no where. Communication is the key to any relationship, but once the communication turns to insults or hurting words, then it has gone way to far and you should not allow such behavior, just leave or hang up the phone and pray to God for comfort. Family hurt and pain is far more difficult to deal with that most relationship for that is where we should have true love. For any relationship there must be mutual respect, without it you have nothing. So I am just rambling on, and I appologize. I am new to this site and can read you pain and sorrow, but have no good specific advise. I will pray for you and give a big brotherly hug. I wish you the very best and perhaps you can let us all know how things worked out.

You mentioned that you were married to a wonderful man, which is awesome. Again on the "Tough Love" logic you may want to stop all communication that you can with your mom, just let your husband handle it. No one has the right to disrepect you, not even your mother, while you are to love you, or are not to let her just walk all over you. I am sure you husband would be more than happy to be the strong voice to your family, if you allow it. I realize this will be very difficult, but again "tough love" is sometime what it takes. While it may never change your mom, it will allow you to have the peace you so desire and need. Sorry, I should have added that to my last reply, just thought I would give another point to ponder. Again,, I wish you the best of luck, my heart goes out to you and your husband, for it must be difficult for both of you.

I understand needing to talk about that kind of thing. My mother doesn't like me at all, and does everything she can to make me feel like a lesser person and keep me under thumb. As of yet I nor any other of my mother's and my loved ones have been able to come close to helping resolve this difficult relationship. So, I'm really not qualified to give advice in that way, but what I do have to offer is this: Yes, it is painful, very often all-consuming, unhealthy, and something that no one should have to suffer through. For me, the key has always been to make the conscious choice to not suffer, and not give in. I make that choice every morning when I wake up, and no matter how fired up she gets me or how much she hurts me I don't let myself hurt. I refuse to punish myself. So, maybe try something along those lines. And if all else fails write a book. Lol:) That's usually my last resort thought process when I'm really getting down. Those kinds of books make people tons of money, and then you're mother and all of her pain causing everything would have made you a lot of money and probably a little happier. It's like Siddalee says in Ya Ya Sisterhood, "In a way i guess i owe my mother. If i'd had an easy childhood i would have absolutely nothing to write about." I wish you the best, and hope that you keep your chin up. Don't let her win and make you as miserable as she is.

Hi Jody,

I'm sure what you've been through is hard. I'm 17 years old, and I too have been going through my mother telling me I'm not good enough and well, neglect. I have 4 younger brothers, and all of them are her babies. I get the blame for eevrything because I know it was because at the time she was having me, she probrbaly wasn't ready for children and I'm the oldest, so, I mean, there are times when I don't know what to do. My mother and I don't even talk anymore. I'm 17 rememeber, all my life, my parents have been fighting, and well, my father isn't an alcoholic, in fact, he's a good man, but he would never be able to fill out what a 'normal loving mother' could do right? It's not a question of comparing how other people's mothers act towards their children (you friends maybe), but you start feeling like you needed that love from your own mother. You ask yourself, what went wrong? Why is my existence evoke this emotion from her? What did I do wrong?
There are several reasons I know why my mother could hate me: 1) my father always showed preference towards me, yet my mother would get 'jealous'? 2) she hates my father, she hates me 3) I brought up some past that I shouldn't have, meaning that she had things in the past that ed the rest of my life up, and she can't accpet it. No matter what that was my fault.
It was only moments ago that she just said "I don't want to speak to her" as a reply to my dad when he asked me to tell my mum about what happened when we went out to get my contacts :S - but anyway, that just broke my heart.
Sometimes I think, if my own mother can treat me like that, I know what to never become, and never be.
Just think, in other cultures in other countries, if they truly hated their own children, they'd kill them. I know, you're probrbaly thinking that's shocking and horrible, but it almost feels the same, as if it's killing you inside, metally, slowly, like a disease? For me, I know I'm going to leave the house in a few years to go to uni, and I can live the life without hassle or tension, but in your case, you're living in a place where you share the land, which I'm guessing has it's complexities.
I can also understand that you got married young to get away from it all... did it help? Yes and no? Loving husband shows you love like non-other, and even so, it still got you a bit of distance from your mother.
I know what its like to cry everyday. And I'm not normally a depressed person. I'm actually quite positive and upbeat when I go out with my friends or my dad.
I know it's hard, and I know you struggle through the day because no matter what, you feel like almost nothing, but you do.
You're old enough, independent enough to know where you stand.
If she's a good person who goes to church WHY IS SHE HATING? Why isn't that a sin to hate?
Be strong.
She'll always be your mother, as mine is to me. She bore us for 9 months, with a seeming hatred. But one must move on from the past and she should too.
Look to your future, and if you do have kids, love them, no matter what.
There are some things in life that are sh*t. You just have to get rid of it, right?
You parents are an example: to not be.
Stay positive, don't bring yourself down because of others. What kind of human being could hate their own child? :confused:
Empathetically,
Ashley x

I really feel for you I am a mother of a daughter in the opposite situation. She treats me like dirt and only wish I could have a daughter like you. She may change if you can get out of that situatiion, maybe get some assistance from social services and get away from her. Give her a chance to miss all that you have done and are doing for her. You can't help but love her after all she's your mother right? But as a human being , you deserve to be treated with respect. Leave!! By any means possible get help through social services . Give things time and see if she thinks differently after not hearing from you for a few years. But maybe send her birthday and christmas cards just to let her know you still love her. And if you get no response seek a guidance councelor to help you through the pain of knowing she may truly not care for you. There are many people who do care for you in this world , you just need to open your heart to them and let them in. Love comes from more than just mothers. If she had died you would have to seek that love you missed from your mother from someone else right? So move on with your life and seek out help and love from husbands, friends, aunts uncles and any other people who want to be there for you. I wish you the best and keep us in touch with your future plans.

I know very much how you feel. My mother has never been supportive of me, and obviously favors my brother. At one point, she actually told me that she'd only gotten pregnant with me so that my brother would have a father... Admittedly, I was an adult when she said that to me, but at the age of about 8 she told me that she "had to" love my brother more, because my father (who adopted my brother and loved him like a son) loved me more... I'm 29 now, and she still demands to talk to me every day, but picks fights with me about 4-5 times a week. If I try not to talk to her, she calls repeatedly and will eventually call the police to have them check on me (I live about 15 hours away from her, so she feels that she has to make sure that I'm not "dead in ditch"). She's the primary caregiver of my nephew, who I love dearly and is my godchild. I wish I could tell you that you should just cut all ties with your mom, but it's obvious that is not an option right now... All I can tell you is the mantra that gets me through- "when people act like children, you must treat them as one." Remember that your mother has been through a lot, and has not matured emotionally. When you are deally with her, you may as well be dealling with a young teen. They are mean, hurting and ingratious. This is a reflection on them, not you. I suspect that your brother is as emotionally stunted as mine is, so the same goes for him. It may be un-christian, but lie if need be... just tell them that you are unable to do what it is that they ask of you, and remind yourself that there is no better option available to you at the moment. As soon as you are able, get out. It's the only healthy option you have. And remember: you are not the problem here. You are a wonderful, caring person. But you are NOT a doormat. Don't allow them to treat you as one.

Omg I know how you feel
I am 15, yes FIFTEEN years old and I may not be able to empathize with you about the paying the bills part but the feeling of rejection... has left me very emotionally hurt. And it I believe it hurts because love from your mother especially is something that so many take for granted and it hurts because you expect this person to love and care for you and not try to hurt you but instead they say hurtful things and call you names and when you try to speak to someone about it they scold you as if you are wrong for defending yourself (me 'cause I'm 15). And I go to school everyday and have to put up façade after façade, basically create a new life that's more desirable, but reality strikes when I walk through the door, and nothing's changed life is still the same and all of your efforts has gone down the drain. Me and my mother argue a lot and I remember I used to cry my eyes out ( I still cry just not as much) and it felt as though she didn't care. But I came to the realization that the "mom" is not a person, it's a title that a woman is supposed to take on when she has a child. So that means that physically she may be a mother according to the "dictionary definition" but emotionally and mentally she's just not there and it hurts because most women when they become moms they assume the position and care for their child, only a small amount doesn't. And I think I hurts me so much because it's just I feel like I am one of the few who has never experienced a true mother-daughter relationship that so many people take for granted to see kids with their mothers talking and laughing and to know I am one of the outcasts who has never experienced this. But I begin to cry less now because I understand that as I said that "mom" is just a title, so when you strip a person of a title all that's left is a person, you understand? I mean it hurt at first 'cause I kept telling myself, that's my mother, it's not supposed to be this way, but I realize that she is just another person when you look at it. And that it really shouldn't hurt because everyone who comes into your life is a person, not their title, whether it be your friend, your enemy, your mother, your father... they're all just people and they shouldn't have that power over us, to be able to hurt us with their words because think about it, if someone you didn't care for called you a name it probably wouldn't hurt as much as if someone you gave a title to or cared for did, and this is because we gave them these titles and (I am about to get a little technical on my own philosophies so if you don't understand me, I understand)
Titles have a definite meaning, like in the dictionary, so therefore we can only give a "robot" or "machine" a title and expect it to live up to it because the way they were programmed, for example if you were to program a robot to be a mother you put the chips in and blah blah blah and it'll become a mother and if ever there was a problem you'd automatically think oh it must be defective, I have to fix it, because only machines have to do what there are told or live up to expectations because that is there only job and unlike humans, they are incapable of feelings, a computer or machine is literally a stupid machine that takes in an input, processes it and provides and output, so when we tell a machine to do something either by a button or a remote we don't expect it to make mistakes (think of a calculator). But humans is a whole other story because we are capable of feeling and thinking on our own so we are able to make our own decisions, but as a result we make many mistakes because we often let our emotions get in the way that's why no human is ever perfect, we all make mistakes sometimes. So that being said if you take a human and put the title "mother" on them, all you can do is hope that they follow suit because they as people do not have to take on that title because they can think on their own, do you understand?
I know it's kind of hard to understand me but please follow.
A machine or robot or computer can not think on their own, they need and depend on humans to think for them because they don't have their own brains, so a human can dictate a robot. But a human cannot dictate another human because as another person, we don't need someone to dictate us because we are fully capable of generating our own thoughts and feelings. So if we choose not to follow behind a "title" we don't have to because at the end of the day it's our decision and we have to live our own lives according to our morals and not someone else's because only we live our own life. So if a person is supposed to be a "mother" then we can't expect them to assume the position we can only hope because they can choose not to because they have the power to do that.
So I don't want you to feel down on the fact that she is supposed to be your "mother" because she is a human and you cannot force a title on a human you can only propose one. I understand that it may seem I'm talking gibberish but I really hope you understand me and read everything because you will find that it is true. She is just another person in your life and even if at one time y'all relationship was perfect, things change, humans change, I know my mother didn't always treat me like this. So if she says she doesn't want to talk to you and stuff please don't get down off it. Just understand that maybe she's not ready to be or no longer wants to the dictionary definition of a "mother" to you anymore and just move on. I think that if we as people accepted this not just with our "mothers" but with every title we put on a person we meet, you know to accept that they may not want to live up to that title anymore, to just let them go. If ever they want to come back, they'll come back into your life, but after they see and understand where they went wrong and then you and that person's overall relationship will be stronger.
I really hope I helped because I'd hate for you to be so depressed over this situation any longer because even though I'm so young I still have felt a lot of stress and I know I hate that feeling so please don't hurt anymore, just let it go, you've tried for too long. I not saying don't go see your mother again (not unless she doesn't want you to) all I'm really saying is, don't try to force someone to do what they don't want to do, just allow them to wield the power that they were granted as humans, and that is the power to think for oneself, and make our own decisions.
And I can't stress this enough, please don't allow yourself to hurt, mentally strip her of her title (if you read what was above) and all you have is a person. Don't allow a person to hurt you in anyway because no one is that worth it, you are your own being and I know this may sound cliché but you really do deserve to be happy. You only have one life, please don't spend it in misery.

~svM~

My situation is similar to the first post. My mother lets me know she can not stand me. The only time I get a positive reaction or interaction from my mother is when I giving her money or buying her something, then she call me her baby and daughter. If I refuse to let her take advantage of me or give her money and things, I am the worse person in the world. Recently she slipped into a diabetic coma and was out of it for weeks. Of course like a good daughter I leave my home and responsibilities to go to Indiana to care for her. The minute she came out of it and was "fine" again, she went back to her old ways degrading me and being rude and disrespectful. Thursday pass she fainted at home with breathing problems and was rushed to the emergency room. She is now in ICU with double pneumonia. My sisters called me and said I need to come home but I feel if I go, I will be verbally and mentally abused. The hurt is so deep from my family abuse I can not see straight sometimes. I have been told that my family is envious because I was the one that "got away". I used to be what they called a terrible teen, but most people go through difficulties in the teen years especially if you do not have guidance at home. I had two children by the time I was 18 years old, both ending up in foster care. But at age 25 God changed my life. I moved to Washington, DC, got a Ph.D, started my own business and I'm presently working on a documentary about these types of relationships, when a parent do not like their own children, causes and effects. God is the greatest because, 2 years ago and after 26 years, I found my daughter on Facebook and my son and I are best friends, he is in the military and she is a wonderful mom and Administrator for a Social Services Agency. I refuse to have my relationship like my mother and I. She hates me so much she will not tell me who my father is or was. Now she is laying in ICU and I do not know rather to call, send flowers or just pray for her from a distance and light a few candles.

OMG reading all of the replies here and the OPs post, I can say to all of you who have a Mother who treats you bad you are adult children of Narcissistic Mothers, and nothing you do is going to change how you're treated,

Please look online for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, there are groups websites and more out there where you can find answers and help, I too am the adult Daughter of a Narcissitic Mother my mother died last year so I am now free, and you too can free yourself, no doubt you are the scapegoat child of the Narcissist and you are also her supply, your siblings are possibly treated well.

My own Mother told me in no uncertain terms that she hated me one year on my Birthday, that blew me away I couldn't comprehend how a Mother can hate her child, but they can and do, this is now getting more publicity and more overall attention, however its so very hard to accept that the one person on earth who is supposed to love you no matter what doesn't, but this is happening all over the world.

You are not alone, please search for Narcissist and you'll discover its not you not your fault you have a Mother who is incapable of loving you.

I hope you seek help for this because mothers like this can and do often destroy their children and they don't give a damn, seriously they don't.

I suggest you highlight the following text and paste it into a text file and then add your answers

1. Your age:

2. Your gender:

3. Your profession:

4. Which parent(s) is/are toxic/narcissistic:

5. If only one parent is narcissistic, was the other parent an enabler?

6. Do you have any communication with your toxic/narcissistic parent?

7. If so, in what ways do you communicate with them?

8. How old is your parent?

9. What are your dominant emotions towards your toxic parent?

10. Did your parent violate your privacy? If so, how? (Examples: Walking in on you using the bathroom, walking in on you changing clothes, insisting on keeping tabs on your body functions, going through your possessions).

11. Did your parent repossess, throw out or give away your possessions without your permission or against your will?

12. Did your parent tell other people embarrassing information about you?

13. Did either of your parents engage in sexual behavior with you?

14. Did your parent ask nosy questions? Of what kind?

15. When did your parent blame you?

16. What did you do that made your parent angriest?

17. What did they do when they were angry?

18. How did your toxic parents handle disagreements with you?

19. What did they do when they didn’t get their way?

20. What was it like when you were with one of your toxic parents in the company of their peers?

21. Did your toxic parents play favorites? If so, which of your siblings was the favorite?

22. What is the favorite’s life like?

23. Was your toxic parent secretive? If so, in what way?

24. What phrases do you associate with your parent? For example: “Nobody loves me! Nobody cares about me!” “You’ll never be any good!” “You are SO SELFISH!” “How could you upset me like that?” “I wish you had never been born!” “What did I do to deserve such a heartless child?” “You always think you’re better than me, but I know about you!” “You were always very difficult.” “I’m sorry you felt that I hurt you.” etc.

25. Does your toxic parent give you gifts that you like?

26. Does your toxic parent engage in triangular communication (involving a third party)? For example, if you upset your mother, does she get your father to call you and tell you how bad she feels?

27. Did your toxic parent have a special tone of voice or facial expression that you associate with particular types of behavior? Could you always tell what she was doing by the way she looked or sounded?

28. Did your toxic parent drop “bombshells?” For example, would your father casually mention that he was going to move the whole family across country in a week, or did your mother say that she was going to sell the car you drove, without mention of how that would affect you?

29. Does your parent have an obvious psychiatric disorder (besides Narcissistic Personality Disorder) such as an addiction or compulsion or depression?

30. Does your toxic parent enjoy being the center of attention? How does he/she feel when the attention is taken away?

31. How did she/he respond to your being the center of attention?

32. Was your parent stingy or generous with you?

33. Was your toxic parent supportive of your education or other goals?

34. When your toxic parent was tormenting you, what was her emotional state? Was she typically angry? Happy? Solemn?

35. Did she ever seem to enjoy hurting your feelings?

36. Did she ever say hurtful things out of the blue, for no obvious reason?

37. Did you ever feel you had to lie to make your parent feel better? For example, did you lie about your own difficulties to make them seem like your fault rather than theirs?

38. When your toxic parent was tormenting you, who was allowed to watch, or were you typically alone?
39. How did your toxic parent respond to being defied?

40. If your parent made an agreement with you, did they honor it?

41. Is your toxic parent a liar? What is her/his response to being caught in a lie? Is he/she a good liar?

42. Is it hard to describe his/her abuse to other people?

43. Other than your spouse, what is the reaction of people you have told about your toxic parent? Are they supportive or disbelieving?

44. If you have had therapy, what was the reaction of your therapist to your stories about your parent?

45. Did your toxic parent whine, complain or cry about how hard she/he had it? How did you feel when he/she did that?

46. Did your toxic parent put on dramas, where everyone was required to observe her/his pain and pity her?

47. Did your toxic parent complain about his/her health a lot?

48. What was your toxic parent’s response to you getting sick?

49. Did your parent require you to care for your siblings or a sick parent?

50. It is typical of narcissists that they require emotional “feeds.” Can you describe any behavior of your parent(s) in which they extorted emotional pain from you against your will?

51. Does your parent deny reality when that reality doesn’t suit him/her?

52. Did your parent often needle you, insult you, put you down or denigrate you? Did they enjoy doing that?

53. Did your parent take your opinions seriously or ever change their minds based on something you said?

54. Did your toxic parents ever apologize to you convincingly and sincerely? If not, what were their apologies like?

55. Did your toxic parent ever tell you or imply to you or other people that you were neurotic, unstable or crazy? Did she/he accuse you of making things up or did she tell you that you were imagining things?

56. Did your toxic parent tell you that you were oversensitive?

57. Does your toxic parent engage in vicious gossip about you? Have you heard that they said untrue and demeaning things to other people about you?

58. Does your toxic parent exploit? Have they ever stolen your identity, taken money from your accounts, used your credit cards, illegally taken you as a dependent on their income taxes, or otherwise used you? Do they exploit other people?

59. Do you regard your toxic parent as an honest person generally?

60. Does your toxic parent “tease” you or other people? For example, will they lead on a salesperson to make them think they will buy something, and then walk away, just for fun?

61. Does your parent appear to be envious? Do they make envious remarks about what other people have, or tear down people who have things they don’t have?

62. Do you feel that your toxic parent is weird, bizarre, strange or not normal? In what way?

63. Does your toxic parent like you to wait on him/her? Do they hand you things to put away, when they could put them away themselves as easily? Do they frequently want you to “help” them with tasks that are more efficiently done by one person?

64. Did your toxic parent expect you to fulfill their dreams? For example, become a pianist, a football star, or an academic star?

65. Does your toxic parent ask you for details about painful experiences you have had?

66. Is your toxic parent jealous of your relationship with your other parent?

67. Do you feel like your toxic parent has a double standard? Does he/she insist on the best of everything for him/herself, but feel that much less is plenty for you? Does she /he demand absolute quiet while he/she’s sleeping, but start making lots of noise the minute she/he wakes up? Does she refuse to wear anything but new clothes, and give you the hand-me-downs?

68. Did your toxic parent beat you or any of your siblings with fists or objects, or slap you anywhere other than on the bottom?

69. Did your toxic parent make you stand outside without warm clothing, or bundle you up on a hot day, or make you sit or stand in uncomfortable poses, or otherwise cause you physical pain?

70. Did your toxic parent allow a favored sibling to physically or sexually abuse you?

71. Does your toxic parent say things that strike you as childish?

72. Does your toxic parent make demands of you?

73. How much responsibility did your toxic parent take in helping you to choose a college, a major or a career? Were you supported and advised, or mostly left to figure it out on your own?

74. Did your parent teach you how to groom yourself appropriate and how to behave?

75. Did your parent ever punish you when you had done nothing, perhaps with an obviously manufactured excuse?

76. Did your parent ever accuse you of things that made no sense at all? If so, what?

77. Has your parent tried to come between you and your spouse in any way?

78. Did your parent brag about himself/herself a lot?

79. Did your parent tell lies to make him/herself seem more important?

80. What was the most unforgivable thing your parent did to you?

81. Did your parent often place you in “no-win” situations, so no matter what you did, you would feel inadequate?

82. Was your parent controlling about your time, your friends, food or anything else?