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    rlc1976's Avatar
    rlc1976 Posts: 6, Reputation: -4
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    #1

    Mar 24, 2009, 01:10 AM
    I hate my son
    I do not know what to do I have a 12 year old son and he is making my life a living hell. He smashes up my house, he has smashed windows, doors and ripped his bedroom curtains down, he has stolen money out of my purse, he lies, puts his hands around my younger 2 children's throats and he even held my youngest child's head under water in the paddling pool last summer. Social services have been involved with him before and I have tried to get them involved again but they just said we have done everything there is no more we can do for you.
    He has even twice at school told the teachers that his dad has smashed his head into a wardrobe door and thrown things at him, these are totally untrue but resulted in us getting the police and social services at the door and because of this both me and my husband will have this show up every time we have a crb check done.
    I can't take any more I have tried to overdose myself before to get away from this, I am on anti depressants and have counselling I just do not know what else to do!
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,677, Reputation: 1649
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    #2

    Mar 24, 2009, 01:23 AM

    Hi, rlc1976!

    Are you in the United States?

    Thanks!
    rlc1976's Avatar
    rlc1976 Posts: 6, Reputation: -4
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    #3

    Mar 24, 2009, 04:22 AM
    No I am in the uk
    steph1216's Avatar
    steph1216 Posts: 13, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Mar 24, 2009, 04:36 AM
    Take a deep breath. Do u not think your son needs you? Trying to kill yourself is not going to solve anything. Your son obviously has some emotional issues. Have you tried talking to him? Asking him what is bothering him. Obviously something is. He needs to go see a therapist who specializes in pre-teen anger problems. You need to be objective. I know its hard. Take yourself emotionally out of it and start looking at it like this child is crying out for your help with everything he has got. I think saying that you hate your son is a bit harsh. Love your son enough to really try helping him. There are also special boarding schools like élan School in Poland Springs, ME USA that specializes in this sort of thing.
    LearningAsIGo's Avatar
    LearningAsIGo Posts: 2,653, Reputation: 350
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    #5

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:12 AM

    Does he know... or heard you say you "hate him"?

    Perhaps what you mean is you "hate his behavior" but not your son himself? :(

    I'm sorry that I can't help you much as I am in the US, but I wonder what causes this.

    Has he been diagnosed with anything such as ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Manic depression, or Autism? If not, do you think he could benefit from seeing a doctor who might explore those possibilities?

    If nothing medical, what do you believe his behavior is steming from? Abuse? Teasing at school? Perhaps knowing the reason behind his behavior will help.
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #6

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:25 AM

    Hello mom:

    The problem is with YOU. Any parent who would utter the words you did, WOULD smash their kids head into walls, and lie through their teeth about it.

    excon
    rlc1976's Avatar
    rlc1976 Posts: 6, Reputation: -4
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    #7

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:35 AM
    You want to keep your totally useless opinions to yourself and take a good long look at your life it sounds to me like you have got issues guilt maybe treated your own kids like that have you? You have not got a clue about the situation so I suggest you take a run and jump:)
    kanicky73's Avatar
    kanicky73 Posts: 484, Reputation: 63
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    #8

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:40 AM

    This topic is very dear to my heart, as I have a son who is bipolar and we have had many, many issues with him.

    Steph1216 gave you some very wise advice. Some type of counseling is probably going to be the best place to start. Believe me, I know the feelings that you are going through. My son has stole from us, hurt his little sister, broken things etc. You blame yourself as the parent and it took me a very long time to realize that it wasn't me. I still occasionally blame myself but you have to remember, if you know deep down that you have done nothing to cause this child emotional distress, then its beyond you trying to fix by yourself. Are you able to get him some counseling? I think you should attend it with him as well.
    katiesxx's Avatar
    katiesxx Posts: 14, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Mar 24, 2009, 12:29 PM
    I agree with some of these answers, but you need to talk to your son and ask him if anything is wrong, there might be something that is making him a little terror, there is also anger management, and if u really hate your son maybe out him up for adoption
    GNL685's Avatar
    GNL685 Posts: 170, Reputation: 9
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    #10

    Mar 24, 2009, 05:33 PM

    Maybe your hate is rubbing off on him... maybe you hate yourself and he's picking up on that.. my mom was suicidal and seeing her that way made me one bad kid.. and made me suicidal also at one point.. maybe you both need psychiatric help
    GNL685's Avatar
    GNL685 Posts: 170, Reputation: 9
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    #11

    Mar 24, 2009, 05:40 PM

    Tell him you LOVE him instead of HATE him. Stop making it about you.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #12

    Mar 24, 2009, 05:55 PM

    There is a reason for this behavior.Be it medical,psychological or a combination of both.

    Has anyone actually taken the time and effort to get you any services that would help the entire family?When children's services became involved,they had no plan to help you? Just too bad?

    Clearly this is an issue that affects everyone in the family and it needs to be addressed by a professional.You are too close to the issue and too stressed to be able to handle this by yourself.

    I am including a link of sites throughout the UK that assist families. There must be some outside agency that can step in and get him a good medical evaluation and also help with the most immediate problems.

    SupportLine - Problems: Domestic violence: Advice, support and information
    rlc1976's Avatar
    rlc1976 Posts: 6, Reputation: -4
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    #13

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:31 PM

    Is "jesushelper76" telling me that their anger would not show at someone on here saying that they would smash their kids heads into walls and lie through their teeth about it? I think some people on here have absolutely no idea what it is they are talking about and just feel like poking their nose into something that they haven't got a clue about, it would surprise me if some of them have actually got any kids of their own. I would never dream of hurting any of my kids and just so that the few of you on here realise, social services actually closed the cases with my son as they were unfounded thank you very much.
    On another note some people have given some helpful advice so thank you to them I appreciate the people that can take this seriously and try to offer some help or support so once again thank you
    rlc1976's Avatar
    rlc1976 Posts: 6, Reputation: -4
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    #14

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by GNL685 View Post
    Tell him you LOVE him instead of HATE him. stop making it about you.
    It is about my family and not me or do you think it is acceptable behaviour?
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
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    #15

    Mar 24, 2009, 11:38 PM
    Try a different approach. If you've been angry towards him and he knows you hate him come to him at a more loving manner, be more patient, get him involved in things like karate, boxing, any sports and support him every step of the way. Try to go to family counseling. It will be hard- that's for sure it'll probably take 6 months or so for a turn around.

    If however you are loving towards him, non-manipulative, caring, etc. Try being more of a stern parent, put your foot down. Try doing the things I already suggested [involving him in sports and going to counseling].

    You need to talk to him. It is your child. Where is the other parent by the way [are you married, divorced, does he know his other parent]?

    After all there is the easy way of sending him to a boot camp, but he might just resent you for that later.

    Good luck to you!

    MRS.S

    Patience, patience, patience!
    ZoeMarie's Avatar
    ZoeMarie Posts: 2,049, Reputation: 468
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    #16

    Mar 25, 2009, 12:08 AM

    It sounds like the two of you, if not the whole family should consider going to counseling, maybe separate at first and then together so that you can try to understand each other better. If thought even crossed my mind that one of my parents hated me, I'm sure I would be acting out too.
    GNL685's Avatar
    GNL685 Posts: 170, Reputation: 9
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    #17

    Mar 25, 2009, 04:02 AM

    No it's not acceptable behavior but your behavior by saying you hate him is also unnacceptable.. should he hate you because of your behavior?Should he hate you because you have depression and you're mentally unstable? His behavior is obviously a cry for attention and love.And HELP. At this point his behavior is based on the way you raised him. It's not acceptable for you to pose hate and anger towards him. By doing that your putting yourself down to his level. In my opinion, hate for someone else begins with hate for yourself.. what makes you think he's not going to pick up on that and treat you the same way.. and other people... and his kids in the future.My mom was just like you and I turned out fine.. because ran away from her when I was 15 and when I ran away and got away from her I felt so much better.. Do you want that to be the only way out for him? When people, especially your parents are depressed it rubs off on you in a HUGE WAY. When my mom tried to commit suicide, I overdosed on pills myself. Lucky I didn't DIE. But if my mom wasn't blaming her anger and depression on me, I would have been fine. Because as soon as I got away from her my destructive behavior and the hate I had for myself went away. I never once again thought about suicide. Try looking at it from his point of view not only yours.Thats what I meant by not making it about you. I mean you carried the kid in your womb and gave him life.. How can you have hate for him? Mother and child should be an unconditional love! If you hate him you should give him to people that will love him. Seriously. And I'm not telling you what to do.. I'm speaking from experience from the child's side.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #18

    Mar 25, 2009, 06:13 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by rlc1976 View Post
    I think some people on here have absolutely no idea what it is they are talking about and just feel like poking their nose into something that they haven't got a clue about,
    You are right, we haven't a clue what this is about. The people on here are only responding to your relatively vague question. Without ALL of the details, you are going to get answers similar to what you are getting here.

    You gave little info and now are getting upset because we are trying to fill in the gaps.

    Quote Originally Posted by rlc1976 View Post
    I would never dream of hurting any of my kids
    Can't you see that saying you hate your son does hurt him? Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Emotional scars are much more permanent than physical scars.

    Whether you have ever told him you hate him or not, he can sense how you feel about him. He is acting out because of your feelings towards him. Children of any age still living at home are very intuitive of how their parents view them as human beings.

    They act out to get attention. It doesn't matter what kind of attention they get, good or bad, as long as you are paying attention to them. They want you to recognize that they are alive, that they are your flesh and blood. Sometimes, for some children, this takes the role of acting out.

    Check to see if there is a regional intervention program in your area. These programs help children to deal with boundary issues as well as anger management. They also help the parents deal with the child's outbursts and help you to set up and maintain boundaries as well as proper discipline techniques dependent solely upon the specific actions of your child.
    kanicky73's Avatar
    kanicky73 Posts: 484, Reputation: 63
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    #19

    Mar 25, 2009, 09:56 AM

    Like I had said this is a subject close to my heart as I have a son with bipolar and often find my heart being torn apart because of his behavior. I want to make it clear though that saying you "hate" him either outloud or directly to him is not healthy for anyone involved. My son's counselor said something one time that made a lot of sense. He said we will always love our children, but we don't have to "like" them sometimes. I don't think that deep down you truly hate your son. Because I have been there believe me, it hurts and you struggle between the hurt of his actions and the frustration of not understanding why he does what he does. Please stop for a moment and just imagine the turmoil that must be going on in this little boys head. He probably doesn't understand what he is feeling or know how to work it out in a healthy way so he does so by his actions of destroying things etc. Everyone has suggested counseling and I strongly urge you to do so. You have to help him deal with his feelings of anger, or hurt or whatever it is that he is feeling. You can't help him on your own. You will also need to get him in to see a psychologist, this will help in determining exactly what is going on whether it be something like bipolor or adhd. Once you find out exactly what is going on with him, it will make it a little easier to understand why he does what he does. It doesn't take away the stress by any means but it helps to understand that its something he can't control. I wish you luck I really do, this can be so heart wrenching I know, but it can get better with proper medications and/or counseling.
    MeNdOniMe's Avatar
    MeNdOniMe Posts: 40, Reputation: 3
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    #20

    Mar 25, 2009, 10:31 AM

    Looking at your problem from your sons perspective may help. He sounds a lot like I was at 12. I was in a lot of trouble with a lot of different people. I'd got myself into some awkward situations and I was off the rails but the reason was I was depressed. The cause of all my problems was my mother and I'm not saying it will be the same for your son but you need to establish the cause of his anger it may be any number of things. If you find the cause and treat it things should start to get better. But for gods sake NEVER EVER say you hate him. And definitely don't let him hear those words from you.

    I hope you find some answers, it is possible.
    Good luck x

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