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binx44 · Aug 21, 2006, 08:44 AM

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years... this is the fifth year and we've lived together for over 2 years. Up until now we've always done things together (ex. Going to work bbq's going to some parties) and up until now he's always wanted me to go. But this last week he's been irritated with me and says that I'm a big leach. There's a work bbq this weekend and your "significant other" is supposed to come with you. I asked if he still wanted me to go and that if he didn't I wish he hadn't have asked me to come in the first place. Now I know I think I came off a little rude but we had been fighting for a few days about it. Now he says he's not going to it at all and I feel like its my fault. There's a concert next month that we were supposed to go together to but now I'm not sure if I should come... I don't know if I'm really wanted do you think I should go (I'm still thinking on it)

Here_To_Help- Jon · Aug 21, 2006, 08:48 AM

Michelle... here is definition of leech

It sounds like his irritation with you is about something else and not the "leech" business.. after 4 years together the leech concept makes no sense. Id ask him what's bothering him and see if you can get the real issue out on the table...

Wildcat21 · Aug 21, 2006, 08:53 AM

Has he ever been verbally abusive towards you?

Have you sat down and figure out WHAT he is really upset about?

NeedKarma · Aug 21, 2006, 09:04 AM

Do you organize events or have outings where you invite him?

Jayjay027 · Aug 21, 2006, 11:08 AM

I think the problem lies deeper than you two doing things together.
You are a couple, couples do things together, and after being in a relationship for 4 years, he knows the score.
There seems to be some underlying problem here that he isn't telling you about.

Sit him down and talk to him, find out where you stand.

Wildcat21 · Aug 21, 2006, 01:25 PM

Yeah... this is about communication - and you two don't seem to have a lot of it... do you guys sit and talk and EVERYTHING??

COMMUNICATIoN IS KING!!

maria26 · Aug 21, 2006, 02:25 PM

It does sound like something is wrong... communication like everyone has stated. But, maybe all he really wants is some space... to breath. If you see or spend too much time with someone it can get a bit overwhelming and repeatitive (that does not mean he does not care for you... simply means he needs alone time) No surprise or mystery left... but again this is completely an assumption you can only know what's truly bothering him by sitting down and talking with him.

kp2171 · Aug 21, 2006, 02:57 PM

He needs to explain why he is specifically upset.

If he needs more "guy time", it happens. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in a relationship you start to lose the other parts of your life, like other friends. From time to time, I've felt a little trapped in the "routine"... miss friends I never see anymore, etc.

Not going to the concert to get back at him for not going to the bbq doesn't make sense if you want things to work out.

But, as others mentioned, you need to have a calm talk about his "leech" comment. How can he expect you to change behavior he finds objectionable unless he talks to you about it?

Again, I don't think its necessarily a terrible thing if he's wanting some time to do other things without you... my wife and I both go through periods where we spend tons of time together, and then sometimes when we need a little "recharge" time doing our own thing.

But... you do need to talk to him about this before something that can maybe reasonably have an answer becomes a bigger problem.

Wildcat21 · Aug 21, 2006, 02:59 PM

Do you call him all th time - e-mail him - text him... maybe that's too much. People need a little mystery.

Skell · Aug 21, 2006, 04:28 PM

Like KP said it isn't necessarily a bad thing that he might want some guy time. We all need this. Guys love to be guys with their guys every now and then. And we are most comfortable being a guy when we don't have our significant other around.

This isn't because we do things that we wouldn't want you to know about. It is just a guy thing I guess. Just like you would have your girl things.

But the bigger issue here is that after 4 years he makes this comment. Have you beena bit more clingy recently?

If not I am wondering why now he makes this comment. Maybe it has just built up to a point where he had to get it off his chest.

But as everyone has said this is something you need to discusss with him.

But go gently. Don't push him too hard and get him irritated! Don't act more clingy.

But certainly you need to find out what it is that is making him irritated and if it is your actions be honest with yourself and assess what course of action you can take to fix it.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

s_cianci · Aug 21, 2006, 08:43 PM

All things considered, I'd give him some "time off" for a while, if you get my drift. Perhaps even consider finding a different residence, at least for a while. Let him have some time and space away from you for a while, then see if he still thinks you're a "leech." I kind of have a feeling that after a while he'll start humming a different tune. I can't make any guarantees but that's my take on it.

talaniman · Aug 21, 2006, 10:06 PM

It is a very rare couple that don't have major disagreements from time to time. The key is how you deal with it. First you have to cool off and let the emotions calm down then you can talk. Being out of each others hair for a while is not a bad idea. When things get a little heated you have to know when to back-off and regroup (chill out, calm down) visit mom for a day, whatever it takes to avoid hollering and screaming and fighting. Don't be disappointed to not resolve things in one sitting . Be patient and get to the root of the problem and then work on a solution you can both live with. It takes time and guess what? You've got plenty of that.

binx44 · Aug 22, 2006, 05:48 AM

We haven't hollered or fought about it and I do include him in things I do inviting him to everything I can. But usually I let him make the plans. I know he's been stressed about things lately.. I did loose my job a few weeks ago and his mother has been bugging him about things like money. Honestly now that I think about it he might be upset about missing the concert in moncton this weekend.. he couldn't go because of someone else that was going and he has been upset about it (he would have been going without me) he's been better the last two days though I also found out he thinks I'm jellous around some girls and that it's bothering him because usually I'm not. There's just this one girl who's always sitting by him the second we go to my friends house... even if there are seats everywheres... I told him it bothered me and our problems started after that... (the concert and at my friends place happened in one night) now I understand the girls not from around here but she's like that with bolth my boyfriend and my friends... I don't think my boyfriend or her understand why its bothering us..,. these could be some of the underlying problem... we've talked about it a bit I just don't want to rush anything

blueiman · Aug 22, 2006, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by binx44

theres a concert next month that we were supposed to go together to but now i'm not sure if i should come... i dont know if i'm really wanted do you think i should go (i'm still thinking on it)

Forget it don't go. Why bother and put yourself thur more crap than you need. Let it go and find something else to do so when he asks you if you are coming you say no I have other plans have fun without me.

binx44 · Aug 22, 2006, 09:15 AM

I'm not so sure if I should say no and not go. I've never been to a concert before and earlier today he said he hoped I was still going... I may be

NeedKarma · Aug 22, 2006, 09:17 AM

Looking for a job should be high on your list of things to do.

kp2171 · Aug 22, 2006, 10:17 AM

Well you need to figure out why you wouldn't go.

If its to get back at him then its childish.

If you don't feel wanted, well he said he wished you would go.

So not going isn't going to solve anything. Certainly isn't going to take the place of you guys having a real discussion about what's up.

K_3 · Aug 22, 2006, 10:34 AM

The concert has been planned and you want to go go. I would look for a job, maybe with your not working it seems to him you are going to be more demanding of his time. If he is acting better, it could have just been issues in other areas of his life.

LUNAGODDESS · Aug 22, 2006, 12:35 PM

Go to the concert with batch of your loud friends... take back your life... rent a limo... have cold drinks ready... oh before you go to the concert keep yourself busy... go to a spa... buy a new outfit... go with a friend... A man has only to tell me once that he doesn't want me to go out with him... after the event have a sleep over getting load with chocolate and whatever makes you happy... get over him...

NeedKarma · Aug 22, 2006, 12:50 PM

Originally Posted by LUNAGODDESS

Go to the concert with batch of your loud friends...take back your life...rent a limo...have cold drinks ready...oh before you go to the concert keep yourself busy...go to a spa...buy a new outfit...go with a friend...A man has only to tell me once that he doesn't want me to go out with him...after the event have a sleep over getting load with chocolate and whatever makes you happy...get over him...

Well so much for being financially responsible. She doesn't have a job - where do you expect the money to come from to do all this stuff?