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    letmeknowtruth's Avatar
    letmeknowtruth Posts: 40, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:23 AM
    Pressured into marriage? Should I end it?
    Hello Everybody,
    My one friend told me this site is great for advice... So here I am.
    I am a 26 year old male who as been dating this girl for 3 years.
    The first 6 months were great. We never argued or anything.
    Then she start going out with her friends on a more regular basis. I didn't care about that as long as she let me know where she was going and as long as she gave me a phone call to let me know she got home all right. She tends to drink a lot to hide her problems and it worries me. I found out she lied numerous times to me about what time she got home and why she was so late. Being able to not trust her made me show less emotions to her. I specifically told her I need her to be honest with me. We had a huge argument and we took a break. In 3 weeks she slept with 4 guys and lied about it to my face. We ended up getting back together a few weeks later. It's now a year after that and she's bringing up marriage and me committing to her. I told her I'm not ready to committ to her this soon after what she did last year. I'm confused on what to do. I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable. I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go. I mean I guess I should break it off right? I just need some advice
    Thanks Everyone.
    Ber Rabbit's Avatar
    Ber Rabbit Posts: 134, Reputation: 23
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    #2

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:29 AM

    Some people just don't like change even when they aren't happy with something. Change can be hard and scary, you're moving away from something comfortable into the unknown. It's SO much easier to continue down the familiar path. When that path is leading you to unhappiness it's worth the effort to find a new path.

    Politely tell her you've come to realize this relationship isn't going to work and go on your way. It generally does not get better with time and breaking up now is a LOT cheaper than after you're married.
    Ber
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #3

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    Hello Everybody,
    My one friend told me this site is great for advice...So here I am.
    I am a 26 year old male who as been dating this girl for 3 years.
    The first 6 months were great. We never argued or anything.
    Then she start going out with her friends on a more regular basis. I didnt care about that as long as she let me know where she was going and as long as she gave me a phone call to let me know she got home alright. She tends to drink alot to hide her problems and it worries me. I found out she lied numerous times to me about what time she got home and why she was so late. Being able to not trust her made me show less emotions to her. I specifically told her I need her to be honest with me. We had a huge arguement and we took a break. In 3 weeks she slept with 4 guys and lied about it to my face. We ended up getting back together a few weeks later. It's now a year after that and she's bringing up marriage and me committing to her. I told her I'm not ready to committ to her this soon after what she did last year. I'm confused on what to do. I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable. I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go. I mean I guess I should break it off right? I just need some advice
    Thanks Everyone.
    Yes, you clearly have no desire to have a long term relationship with her. It is hard to let go of something you are comfortable with, so I imagine you are having problems being able to cut this loose without worrying about being alone for awhile. I put the 3 guys quote in bold, as this would have made me end it period. She clearly has issues she needs to focus on, and with the amount of red flags you have all around you, you would be a fool to stay in this.

    Break it off, and get her out of your life. It is hard, but you will find more trouble by letting her stay in your life. Sometimes the hardest things in life revolve around letting someone go. You probably still love her, but realize, in the end, it is NO GOOD for you. Good luck.

    Anytime you find yourself on this website asking the question of "Should I," normally you already know the answer to it... we just kind of push you in that direction.
    letmeknowtruth's Avatar
    letmeknowtruth Posts: 40, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #4

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:37 AM

    Thanks! Yeah... It was 4 guys. And she said the reason she slept with them was because I didn't show her enough affection. And I told her that's because I don't trust you. I just called her this morning to say hi and wish her a good day. She didn't pick up, but txt me a long message saying "I can't talk now, running late for work. I'm getting in the shower......blah blah blah...." She could have picked up the phone and just told me that...
    It's just hard to break it off.
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #5

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:38 AM

    Hard, but well worth it. The excuse of, "I was sleeping with other guys because you didn't give me enough attention," is garbage... you slept with other guys because you can't keep your legs shut.

    Sorry to be harsh. Welcome to AMHD baby! You will be fine. Cut her out of your life... she is a cancer that will eat away at you.
    SAB123's Avatar
    SAB123 Posts: 685, Reputation: 94
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    #6

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    confused on what to do?
    Your confused on what you should do? Read what you wrote below that should make you unconfused?

    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable.
    Tell you what, if I felt this way about my ex I would not waste her time and especially mine. YOU have to get out of this relationship, because you will only get more miserable as time goes on.

    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go.
    Again, I don't know why your confused. And you probably don't want to let her go because your probably comfortable and feel safe with her.

    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    I guess I should break it off right?
    I think that would be the best thing to do.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #7

    Feb 10, 2009, 10:52 AM

    She is not only treating you unfairly,she is not accepting responsibility for her own behavior.Blaming your lack of affection as an excuse for cheating is absurd.She will never change her cheating ways if she feels justified.

    You don't want to get out of your comfort zone and make a break so you will only have more of the same,since she is not accepting responsibility,she will continue to blame you for her cheating.

    Change is seldom easy but in your case the alternative is worse.

    I would also get tested.Four guys times whoever they slept with ,etc. is a scary thing.
    letmeknowtruth's Avatar
    letmeknowtruth Posts: 40, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #8

    Feb 10, 2009, 11:59 AM

    I did get tested, Im fine. I was really mad at her for putting my physical health at risk and I made that clear to her. She just makes things feel like they are always my fault. Like this morning. I called her to just say hi and to wish her a good day. No answer but, she texts me back in 3 minutes. Saying "I can't talk now, im busy, running late for work, and I have to get a shower" Wouldn't it have been easier to just pick up the phone when I called to say that? Then she wanted to start an argument about that.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #9

    Feb 10, 2009, 12:24 PM

    Like you said in your first post the first 6 mts. Were great,well you ,of course that's the honeymoon period.That leaves 21/2 years of cheating and blaming.
    No one likes to throw away their favorite pair of slippers,their just so formed to our feet and seem like such a nice fit,but at some point,they start to stink and they are so badly beyond repair,they just have to go.Comfortable? Yes, no longer useful,yes.
    The text is suspicious.Makes no sense to text when a pick up would have been quicker.
    I don't know how you could stand to be with someone you can't trust.It would drive me crazy.
    You need to rethink what is comfortable and what is healthy and make a difficult choice.
    Ber Rabbit's Avatar
    Ber Rabbit Posts: 134, Reputation: 23
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    #10

    Feb 11, 2009, 11:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth View Post
    She just makes things feel like they are always my fault.
    That's her way of manipulating and controlling you. She will break your spirit as time goes on, that's what abusers do. You are experiencing the beginnings of emotional abuse. Get out before she destroys you.
    Ber
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
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    #11

    Feb 11, 2009, 02:02 PM

    If there is no prize at the end of the race, why keep running? You're only going to wear yourself out, get all sweaty and stinky, and bypass other people who could be the right one for you.

    If you have no intention of marrying her, can't stand her family, and don't want to commit to pursuing a possibility, then you're not being fair to yourself or your girlfriend. You deserve the thrill of knowing there is something to stay in the race for...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Feb 12, 2009, 06:08 PM

    Why prolong the agony?
    ardahk's Avatar
    ardahk Posts: 74, Reputation: 12
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    #13

    Feb 13, 2009, 04:19 AM

    Let her go - she isn't for you that's clear cut
    cjeep23's Avatar
    cjeep23 Posts: 49, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #14

    Feb 13, 2009, 04:31 AM
    Yes get out of this relationship as soon as you can. She is treating you like garbage and you don't deserve that. Its just a destructive situation period. I also agree with artlady on this one. That txt message is really suspicious. Sounds to me like she mite have been up to no good and that's why she didn't just call you to tell you that.
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #15

    Feb 13, 2009, 08:22 AM

    Well everyone's right, including yourself!

    You already know what you have to so (and not be rude) strap on a pair and get it done. This relationship has already gone on too long.
    letmeknowtruth's Avatar
    letmeknowtruth Posts: 40, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #16

    Mar 19, 2009, 09:17 AM

    Well, I finally did it everybody.
    I ended it! She just pushed me over the edge.
    I gave her once last chance to be honest with me and she lied. She said she was leaving the bar at 10pm to go home and get a shower and then come over. She didn't get to my house till 12am. Still smelling like smoke and drunk.
    She insisted she wasn't drunk and went home, took, a shower, and changed. It was sooo obvious she didn't. After 2 hours of arguing she came clean and said she never left the bar. I drove her home and said I needed to talk to you tomorrow about our relationship.
    The next day we talk and she says that my religious and political beliefs bother her. I believe in god and have a good heart. I try to live an honest and meaningful life. She says that's not going to get me into heaven and that I have to go to church every week and turn other people onto god. Then she says it matters weather you are a rupublican or democrat on how you raise your kids. All that was just complete nonsense to me. So I just I done... I can't keep this up. I wished her the best in life and told her to be safe. She cried and all right called and text me a few times saying "She's gonna feel soo lost without me".
    I didn't answer and I'm not going to. It bothers me a little bit, but for the most part I'm OK.
    Any comments or advice would be great
    Thanks everyone for helping me do the right thing.
    cjeep23's Avatar
    cjeep23 Posts: 49, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #17

    Mar 19, 2009, 10:09 AM
    Hey I know its hard but you did the right thing. And I agree that if you believe in god and have a good heart that god will notice that and it really doesn't matter if you go to church every single Sunday. If you're a good person it won't go unnoticed. Im glad to hear that you took this step you needed it!
    jmw0713's Avatar
    jmw0713 Posts: 1,012, Reputation: 305
    Ultra Member
     
    #18

    Mar 19, 2009, 10:16 AM

    Why even think about marrying this unfaithful person. What happens after you have been married for a few years, and she think you were not being affectionate enough again. Is she going to sleep with 4 more guys?

    I don't think she should have the privilege to marry you.

    Time to go bud. You already don't trust her. Like Tal said earlier, why prolong your agony???


    ---Edit---
    I didn't read your last post. You're doing the right thing for yourself by kicking her to the curb. Good job and stay strong!! The road ahead will be difficult, but you will most certainly complete your journey.
    letmeknowtruth's Avatar
    letmeknowtruth Posts: 40, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #19

    Mar 19, 2009, 01:52 PM

    Hey, thanks for all the support. I am actually feeling very well. It's been 4 days and she tried contacting me about 5 times already. I am very proud of myself because I am still doing NC and will remain to. HAHA. LOL she actually just text me right now saying "Hey I just wanted 2 say hi n 2 see how things r going 4 u" hehe, why is she playing games? I told her I was done.
    nikkiharms3's Avatar
    nikkiharms3 Posts: 17, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #20

    Mar 19, 2009, 02:23 PM

    OK I knew the answer as soon as I saw the question lol
    If you are asking yourself this then you really arnt ready to be in a marriage with this person.

    No relationships are perfect but there HAS to be trust and more importantly love,

    I was in a relationship with a man for 4 yrs, at the time I thought I loved him , since splitting up and finding the man of my dreams I have realised it was never love at all, it was a habbit,

    You get so used to having someone around that you find it hard to imagine your life without them in it.

    Personally I think you have so much to life to look forward to and you should end it.

    Your true love is right around the corner.

    My partner now never wanted kids, he never wanted marriage, but I think a lot of men think this, until they meet the right person and you just know you want to spend forever with them, me and my partner now have a gorgeous little girl and plan to get married next year.

    Don't settle for second best, break the habbit and get your life back :)

    Hope this helped :)

    Xx

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