My husband and I have done what I would consider on a scale of 100 for parenting around 95%. Please someone help with your advise on what to do with my 21 year old daughter who left our home at 18 for college.

She was raised with strong moral values - by the way I have two daughters 21 & 22 years of age. My 22 year old is in her last year of college.

Anyway my 21 year old daughter gets pregnant within a few month of college has an abortion which I am not all for unless for health reasons and rape... Anyway, we all got over that bad experince. When only a month later she gets pregnant again by the same guy who she claims was a looser. She marries him. They both are very immature from the beginning when we told them to wait on family and marriage. He could not keep a steady job and could not keep out of other girls/boys beds. At the same time my daughter is not faithful to her marrigae either. My husband and I have paid over $10,000.00 on supporting our grandson. His parents did not and do not have a clue about raising a child and what it really takes. It is a lot more then I could even begin to write and the pain of it all goes much deeper then, I can express. It is like my daughter uses my grandson as ransom to totally disrespect my husband and I because she knows that we will not leave him and will always take care of him. We had to give this disrepectful daughter a car otherwise we would be the ones to take him to the doctor, and all the places a parent has to take a child. There are no buses here.

Now she is pegnant again by another guy - not her husband whom she claims she is getting a divorce. She wants to have this baby too.
My husband and I have worked hard over the past 24 years and we have done all we can do. I am thinking about moving away, but my husband says we can not leave the children to an unfit mother. Will we have to live the rest of our lives paying for my daughters sinful decisions? I am very upset - any suggestion will be greatly appreciated?:confused

If you and your husband choose to, you can continue to permit this daughter to rob you of your time, money, and emotion.

- or -

You can accept that this daughter has chosen to live her life in a manner in which you do not agree, you cannot control, and ultimately you are not responsible for.


It's difficult to accept - I know from similar experience.

You will drive yourself crazy with worry if you do not accept the situation as it really is. It's sad for the child, and there's no guarantee that she will "come around" and go the direction you want for her. She is living her own life, making all her own mistakes, so she will need to learn the lesson of these mistakes herself - the hard way.

My best advice is to keep doing what you feel you need to for the safety of your grandchild (like taking him to the doctor as you mentioned), but you shouldn't allow this daughter to manipulate you into anything further.

What you describe is a lot like the stories I hear from the parents of adult children who are alkies and addicts, NOT that I am suggesting yours is. Its just, I think it's a similar enough situation that a similar solution might apply. It is a terribly sad deal and one that will test you to your limits, no doubt, if it hasn't already. I am so sorry.

If it truly is that bad, what I suggest as a solution calls for you both to be tough, not angry, just tough love. The hardest part to understand in all of this is: As long as you buy into your daughter manipulative efforts to get whatever she wants by ransoming your feelings for your grandson, she will continue to do just that. It only stops when you won't play that game anymore.

In recovery circles its called enabling and it's a bad thing because it keeps the destructive patterns going. You must separate your grandson from her in your mind. Recognise that your daughter is making choices to be where she is, your grandson is not. You are powerless over your daughter but you are not her victim, your grandson is - remind yourself of that often. I think its very important for you to get some distance on your daughter in this. Offer to help your grandson, but not her -- over and over and over. Think outside the box you've been in for this, way way outside. The difference is much like offering the beggar to buy him a meal, but never hand him the money. She will escalate the damage when you stop buying into it. When it gets bad, be prepared to call Social Services and report her as an unfit parent. You can even call them now and discuss what makes for an unfit parent.

Make it clear to your attorney that you would like to, if and when the opportunity arises, petition the court for custody. Even then, unless you have solid documented evidence of her unfitness, you may lose. If you aren't prepared to take such measures to intervene like that, then sadly not much else will. There is not a lot of room in the welfare system for kids (at least in my state) and so only the most endangered of them will get placed in foster care. I wish I could be of more help than that. What you are up against is she is an adult with rights, which cannot be usurped so easily.

You are right to consider that if all else fails, don't watch. I had to do that with some of my family too and its sad and difficult at first but gets a little easier with time, but only a little.

I hope to have helped with a little perspective, and if you have questions feel free to post them here. You have a lot to think about.

I have a close relitive who has bought "for the grandson" three cars, rent and a deposit on about 4 or 5 houses. Three sets of appliances for various houses

And now can't pay for their own doctors visit because they are broke.

And in general if you buy this car, then they normally won't keep care of it and then it will be another car, or a deposit, next they will need this money for medical care and so on.

You have to set the rules, help them some if you get your way, if not, NO.

Then after that if they don't take care of the baby call social services, sue for custody yourself.

As long as you are there as a safety net for your daughter and her son, she will always use you as such. Leave her alone for a while, make HER be the parent - see how she can cope alone. She is a mother, and she needs to be accountable.

If it turns out that she cannot look after this child, you may need to consider your options.

This is such a tough spot to be in. Being a grandparent is much harder than being a parent. You have no control and yet can be used an abused beyond belief. I am sure when she asks for something, it is always in some way to benefit your grandchild, so how can you say "NO"? She has you where she wants you, and is headed to have another responsibility (child) for you. You can see to your grandsons needs without helping her. If she wants money for clothes, doctors, medicine etc for your grandson, buy it. No money goes to her. You have to decide what your boundries are and stick with them. I have a close friend that says there needs to be books written these days about children using their children to use and abuse their parents. It has taken her 3 years, but she has got it down. It has been a struggle, she had to stop her daughter from controlling the situation by using her grandson.

You have to do something, she seems to feel a child is no responsibility as she is having another. Val had some great advice. Are you sure she does not have an addiction?

As harsh as this may sound, your grandchildren are not your responsibility, they are your daughter's responsibility. Do not do her job for her. Otherwise this unhealthy cycle will just continue. She was big enough to fool around and get pregnant and married so now she's big enough to raise her children. You and your husband owe your lives to each other now, not to anyone else. You're done raising children ; your years are yours now.

Yes I learned this lesson as per my answer the hard way myself.

I still get a call a few times a year but have to let them know that they have to raise their kids, I don't raise my grandkids. ( got 8 of them)

And my mom ruin one of my sons life for years by giving and giving and giving, he was almost 25 before he figured he acutally had to work for a living but only because mom almost went broke giving her money away and now don't understand why they won't do anything for her because of what she did before ( she still has no clue what she did to them)

I have been there... my daughter got pregnant when she left home... she stayed at the home of my husband people and there are many challenges within his family that I thought for the best not to tell my child... three months later... she gets pregnant and needs her mother... the father turn out to be a harlot... (I am being controlled here)... BACK TO YOU... I have been there... Not a thing you have said proved she was or is an unfit parent... she cares about herself ( THAT IS A YOUNG PEOPLE THING... FOR NOW) and she may feel guilty about aborting the first child... she understands that the man she is with is not the man of her future... mistakes happens.

Question is She on drugs... bringing strange men home in front of the children.. not keeping a clean home... is she not going to work because she needs to be a this man?

Now for you running away from you child... I'm visualizing some cowards are afraid of the challenges within life. HOPE THAT IS NOT YOU... did you not understand the problems with life and the challenges that come with life... you child needs your support and your attention.. do not turn your back on something that can lead to danger for your child and grandchildren.. . Keep honoring a higher power with your presence of your child in your life.
Show her the way in doing things lead my example (positive) running away will cause you to rethink your actions and you will not like it...

I think I'm going to get taken to town and shot for this but I kind of disagree about something. You say that you gave about 95% out of a 100% to your child but you spoiled her and continue to spoil her. Is it any wonder that she continues to believe she can always depend on you? You never let her explore and make mistakes and learn from them. Now she's an adult and she's going to learn really difficult lessons that she should have learned as a child. The problem is she now has two extra mouths to feed and instead of learning the lesson will lash out and start blaming people, the fathers, you, society, etc. I agree that you've got to break all finanicil contact with your daughter but let this be a lesson to you as well. Don't spoil the grand children. Don't give them whatever they want because you feel sorry for them or you love them. Let them learn to depend on themselves and be responsible for themselves.

That is the way to go! Tough Love, I am not proud to share this but I was like your daughter as a teenager. My parents cut the cord and told me that the only help they would provide would be with my daughter not for me. They told me that I was an adu