Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    triste's Avatar
    triste Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 25, 2009, 12:07 PM
    Estranged Son
    My son is almost 23 years old, married for 6 months, and is a first year law student. His wife is emotionally very tied to her mother (unnaturally it seems as they are more like sisters than friends) and has decided without reason to never contact or return contact from anyone in our family. Nevertheless, I continue to support their marriage with phone calls, emails, and gifts to her as well as to my son. I am a single parent; the biological father's rights were terminated. My son is close to his grandfather and they talk almost daily.

    It seems as if lately my son has stopped talking to me about his law career and anything else (I am a paralegal and we have shared this interest for awhile) and increased his calls to his mother-in-law. I understand his need for independence, but this woman sucks the life out of people and is very selfish, as is her daughter. I keep in contact with my son's mother-in-law because I am trying to support my son's marriage.

    I have a visit in a few weeks to see my son in a moot court competition. We live 1000 miles apart. I am afraid he will not see me. He and his wife live one hour from her mother (they spent 10 days in their home at Christmas, which is strange for newlyweds). I believe that his wife's immaturity (e.g. she still calls her parents' house her home) is a source of frustration for my son and he might be calling his mother-in-law about those issues (unwise in my opinion but I have kept that to myself).

    Sometimes I think that my son compartmentalizes relationships and views ours as in the past. I am evolving and have new interests to share with him, but I feel that nothing is working. Any suggestions? The pain some days is unbearable.
    Falherst's Avatar
    Falherst Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #2

    Jan 25, 2009, 01:18 PM
    I think that perhaps your son realizes the need to be close and accepted by his in-laws, especially the mother as you mentioned the intense ties the wife and mother have. He must see those as well and is trying to get active in their relationship as he sees that it is very important to his wife. It is common for this to happen in early marriages especially, your son is trying very hard to relate to the bonds between his wife and her mother, because he might not have had a tie so strong like that with his father. This is also support with the time he spends with them at christmas for example.
    He might not be calling you as frequently anymore for the reason you gave, simply because he is becoming much more independent now that he has a wife and probably prospects of a family of his own, but I suspect that the main reason is the distance between you two. Phone calling is all well and good, but during a phone call most people generally feel the need to not have any pauses in the conversation, or keep the conversation interesting with new news about each others lives or circumstances. After this happens for a while there comes a time when there is very little to talk about that is new and it becomes a "Hi, How are you" "good, and you?" "good thanks" sort of conversation. Unfortunately the distance barrier is very hard to overcome, as he has his wife's family right nearby, but you may consider trying to visit more often if you can.
    The main thing is triste, that I'm sure your on loves you and would never purposefully ignore you, he is in a new marriage and dealing with school, he has a lot on his plate right now. Just remember that you are always his mother and he knows that as well, when the chips are down he knows he can count on you so stay strong through this time of trial for you. You might consider (and I hate to use this) getting out and about with more people when you really miss your son, join a book club or have a regular weekly night out with some of the people from your office. But just stay positive, if you think about being in pain over this, you let the pain in and it can take over, I recently had a friend who lost a daughter to cancer, and she tells me of how hard it is for her sometimes to get by from missing her, but we began hanging out more and we went out often, and she began to change her thought process.
    I hope I have helped you in any way, please stay optimistic and try to see the good that your son sees in his mother in law and wife, share in his joy, and you'll make the joy your own.
    triste's Avatar
    triste Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Jan 25, 2009, 03:58 PM

    Falherst - Thank you for taking the time to respond. I visit my son several times a year, but I really don't think that the distance is the issue. Sometimes I feel that is he is a time warp and thinks of me as in the past, even though I am involved in many new activities and have tried to share those with him. I think he feels awkward about our relationship since he is newly married. Also, his mother-in-law is a very self-absorbed individual who continues to do everything she can to hold onto her daughter, instead of encouraging her to become an adult. At their engagement and wedding, my daughter-in-law never once approached or talked to my parents and excluded me from the pre-wedding activities of manicures, etc. (even though her mother was present). I feel as if my relationship with my son is slipping away even more because he is involved with a family who does not care beyond themselves. I wish I could find a positive way to encourage him to communicate with me more - not just when he needs information but simply to say hello. We always discussed the law and it hurts to think he might be doing the same with his mother-in-law but not me. He talks constantly to my dad (grandfather) about his future, etc.; I am glad he has my Dad as his mentor/friend, but it seems as he sometimes he has replaced me with his mother-in-law. I am involved in many new activities and pray every day for the tide to turn but today it seems impossible. Thanks again.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Jan 25, 2009, 04:34 PM
    triste, I say take what you can get. If you make a fuss you may get even less. Kids go through phases, for some months I can love all over my in laws, for others, I get irritated. I am sorry you feel as if he is putting you in the past, but in this case I don't see it. He is married now, so what he is doing is concentrating on that. I wish you luck!
    triste's Avatar
    triste Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jan 25, 2009, 04:46 PM
    Thanks startover22. I do expect change in our relationship as it evolves. It is hard sometimes to "take what I can get" because I do love him and totally support his wife and marriage. I think it would be easier if his wife would even just answer my phone call on her birthday or at Christmas. And I guess I am old-fashioned but I still believe that there is a responsibility on his end for courtesy and civility. I know that he loves me, but if he is concentrating on his marriage why does he spend hours talking to his mother-in-law but I am lucky if I receive 2 minutes a month? I am scared that the relationship will dwindle to nothing if this continues. I will keep praying. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Have a great day!
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Jan 25, 2009, 04:52 PM
    I know you are scared. My mother in law and my own parents say the same. They both love me, and I try to let them know that I love them too. There are just times in our lives where we feel as if we need a small break. You don't sound old fashioned, you sound reasonable. I just think if you give him a little space, he may miss you and remember what kind of relationship you guys had. I do wish you didn't have this much heartache though. That is why I am trying to see it from his point of view to. I may be way off but a new family to deal with sometimes puts the other one on the back burner for a bit.
    triste's Avatar
    triste Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Jan 25, 2009, 04:58 PM
    Thank you startover22 for your kind words. I know how busy he is and I have made certain that I support his relationships with his in-laws as well by telephoning and emailing them on a regular basis. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one concerned with having these family relationships, especially as his in-laws are so self-absorbed. But, no matter what, I will not give up because he is my son. I just wish that sometimes he could see that time can not be made up and that you never know what the future may bring. I have always been the type to remember and communicate, having always written my grandparents each month while they were alive and equally remembering my inlaws and parents.

    Are there any approaches that, in your experience, are more inviting than others?
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Jan 25, 2009, 05:08 PM
    In my opinion, I think it is a nice gesture to hear from my parents as long as they do not make me feel guilty for not coming to see them or pushing themselves on my household.
    I have a family of 4 kids and a husband, and a phone call can be tiring at times. Not to say that I don't love getting emails and letters and gifts. I try to do the same. I believe a bit of respect from both parties works better, because as you know it causes hurt feelings if the other one doesn't get it. Maybe, a little letter to your son making sure he is doing OK and asking about other things that interest him. He is still in school right? Maybe he isn't fairing so well an is embarrassed to tell you. There could be any number of this going on, so just use your words wisely and let him know that you will be there and would love for him and his wife to come visit if they can. Do you have anything special that maybe you could stand to part with, wrap it up and give it to her as a gift... tell her you thought she would like a piece of his family or a little history at least. Like a scarf from grandma or something meaningful;) Maybe just a nice gesture like that can break the ice between you two;) Hugs and just don't forget that he loves his mom!
    triste's Avatar
    triste Posts: 18, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Jan 25, 2009, 05:30 PM
    Startover22, your ideas are great - I have given my daughter-in-law a china teacup from my son's great-grandmother as one wedding present. I remembered their month anniversary with a card and Chili's gift card. As far as my son's progress in law school, he is excelling and did let me know that he has A's so far. I do vary the type of communication to both of them so as to not bombard them. I just sent my son a funny card with a Panera gift card (he likes to go there for lunch between classes) and sent my daughter-in-law an email asking her what books she would like for her classroom (she is a teacher).

    Patience is a virture... perhaps next week will bring some communication. You sound as if you are a very loving, considerate daughter and daughter-in-law and I wish you all of the best.
    startover22's Avatar
    startover22 Posts: 2,758, Reputation: 363
    Ultra Member
     
    #10

    Jan 25, 2009, 06:30 PM
    I love that you are so open to suggestions, it really shows you are willing to understand and not just be upset;) Things are going to work out. And thank you for your nice comments;)

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

My Estranged Father [ 11 Answers ]

I know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important Maybe 'parenting' isn't the perfect category to be in, but it's the closest I could find. It also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and I could really do with a parents perspective. Ill...

Estranged daughter [ 5 Answers ]

Hi everyone... I am new to this site but thank goodnes it's here! I would appreciate someone's feedback on what is a difficult situation at present. I have come back to the UK from Australia 3 yrs ago on a decision to be closer to my parents. I also joined a partner here but that has since...

Estranged grown son [ 2 Answers ]

Since my son returned from iraq and has married he has cut himself off from his family. We do not know why, I have seen my grandson twice and I am heart broken.It is to the point that it is eating me alive. To make matters worse my mother is dying he he does not even seem to care. I cannot firque...

Estranged Family [ 2 Answers ]

My son and his wife abruptly cut off personal communication with us in April, 2007 after a 90th birthday party for their grandfather. Only our son and our 16 year-old grandchild represented that family. We have asked our son why many times but he just says now is not the time to discuss it. They...

Estranged sister-in-law [ 7 Answers ]

We used to be close to my husband's sister. We spent holidays together and our children were great friends. However a few years ago she became angry with us over a computer we sold her that stopped working (we offered to fix, but she wasn't interested). She hasn't spoken to us since. We've...


View more questions Search