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    ilovemyboys's Avatar
    ilovemyboys Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 24, 2009, 03:29 PM
    I don't love my husband anymore
    I have been married 20 years and have 3 children. The last 5 years I have changed and become a more independent and confident person and I no longer love my husband I feel as if I have outgrown him and don't enjoy his company anymore. I want the best for him but I have no desire for that to be with me. I would like to see him meet another woman and be happy. He knows how I feel about him but he wants us to try and stick it out for the kids. To make things even more complicated I have met a man onine and we have talked about getting together and building a new life with each other. I don't know what to do. The children are my main focus and I only think about how they will handle a separation or divorce. I know that I am being selfish in wanting a fresh start. I am only thinking about myself but I still want to be happy. I am totally distracted with these thoughts and this has been my focus for 2 years now. I have known this other man for 2 years. Just want some advice and see if anyone else has ever been in this situation. Thanks
    LAMBCHOPS's Avatar
    LAMBCHOPS Posts: 16, Reputation: 6
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    #2

    Jan 24, 2009, 03:42 PM

    I know you may not love your husband, and that happens. It's not your fault. But, you're not going to be able to move on/date/have other relationships without having a totally guilty conscience or feeing like you're not betraying your family in some way. That's just what I think. Your feelings are understandable but feelings and thoughts are one thing, and actions are another. At least wait till it's over before you move on... be fair.
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #3

    Jan 24, 2009, 04:22 PM

    You are not doing your children and favours by staying with their father. What you are teaching them is that loveless marriages stay together for the kids. They are not seeing a loving relationship between their parents. I don't know if you fight in front of them, or put them in the middle of that. But actually you are putting them in the middle of this. They are not seeing what a happy marriage is.

    They are likely learning that a marriage is something that is bland and boring... and loveless. What is going to happen when they get older and fall in love? They could likely drive their husbands or wives away, because they haven't seen any love between their own parents. That is what you've taught them, and that is what they've learned.

    Ask many grown children if they would prefer to have had mommy and daddy happy apart---or miserable together? If you handle the situation the right way, and make them understand that it has nothing to do with them, and they in no way caused this to happen, you can teach them some valuable lessons. They may need counselling, they must have the security of knowing that mom and dad are going to work together to make the transition easy for them.

    There should be no anomosity in front of the children at any point, between you and your husband. They need to know that mom and dad's main focus is all about them and their emotional stability. Make sure you always work together with Dad.

    Now to you! You are the one that ran this thing off into the ditch here! You went outside of your marriage, and had an affair. Whatever your relationship is with this other man, it is still an affair. You let it happen, and perhaps made it happen. Yes!---it was selfish! You should have been thinking about your kids 2 years ago when you decided in your mind that this was okay! You made the mess, so now it's up to you to clean it up!

    You should have to work just as hard to get out of your marriage, as the 20 yrs. That you put into it---or didn't put into it. Just because you are unhappy where you are, doesn't mean you don't have to do the work to get out. You may tell us what a jerk your husband was, or how he just didn't meet your needs. But, the fact remains, you married him, you had children with him, and now you are cheating on him. You need to be accountable for that!---to your husband, AND your children.

    It isn't, or at least shouldn't be, an easy out! Take care of it! Don't forget, your husband put 20 years of HIS life into this too! This isn't only about YOUR happiness! I find it unbelievable that you say that you have talked to your husband about this, and he is actually wanting to do what he 'thinks' is right for his children, while all along you have been planning a life with another man. Just because you are not in "love" with you husband, doesn't mean he doesn't deserve respect, unless he has done something unspeakable.---which I believe you would have brought up if that were the case.

    I sure hope part of the life you've been planning with this other man, doesn't include tearing your children out of their home and away from their father, to throw the children into your "plan." I would hope that you would keep Mr. Online Wonderful away from the kids for a considerable amount of time. They don't need their lives disrupted like that. If you love them like you say you do, you will NOT do that to them.

    I have to say, bless your husband for putting up with this. At least let him have a life too! You are right, and this is SELFISH!
    NItEMArE129's Avatar
    NItEMArE129 Posts: 222, Reputation: 29
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    #4

    Jan 24, 2009, 04:56 PM

    There are reasons to stay in your marriage and there are reasons not to. But it's not ALL about the kids. They are important. I'm not saying they aren't. But I have to agree with Starbuck because your husband is important too. You say you don't love him, that's understandable, and it doesn't seem like you want to make an effort to try to fix it. You say you have no desire to try to make it work between you two, but you connect that to your growing independence. If it was your growing sense of independence, this other man would have no hold on you either. There's something else that you're not taking into account.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Jan 25, 2009, 07:41 AM

    If your so independent, then handle your business with your husband before moving on.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #6

    Jan 25, 2009, 08:26 AM

    Its hard.. you want to think of everyone but at some point your feelings have to matter as well.


    I was actually happy as a child when my parents finally split.so much less tension. No fighting or anything but just that under current that felt wrong.

    And if you think you are hiding anything from your kids you are fooling yourself.

    After being together so long ,your love will always be there for him and that love has probably made you stay on for many years when you had fallen out of love.

    I fell out of love before and it hurt me terribly. Because I loved him as my friend so much and I still do. One day it just ended and I stayed for years after that and then I just couldn't anymore.
    I feel your pain.I didn't have another man but I hurt for the lost love.

    I just didn't get it. I loved you so much and now I don't love you anymore . He was a cheater but I did really forgive and this was years later so it had no bearing,I just fell out of love.

    I wonder with my boyfriend now if that could happen and it scares the crap out of me because that is something I never want to happen again.

    You have to live your life.You have to be true to yourself.

    Here is a link.. feel it

    YouTube - Ziggy Marley: True to Myself

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