Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    frustrated wife's Avatar
    frustrated wife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 12, 2008, 10:31 AM
    Why is does my husband think it is okay to not respect me?
    My husband and I have been married for 2 years, the second marriage for both of us. My first marriage of 31 years was a very positive experience. His first marriage lasted for 8 years when his wife left him and their young son for another man. He has been single for 18 years and rarely dated. We were married two years ago and it has been an uphill battle for me to gain his trust and confidence in our relationship. He belittles me, ridicules me and insults my sexuality. He chooses not to answer me, or mimics me like a sarcastic parrot. I have told him that it s not fair that I do his previous wife's pennance for hurting him so deeply. I have reassured him that I love him and am in this marriage for the long haul. But it gets harder each day when I do not feel that the love is returned. When I try to talk to him, his reply is that he is entitled to his democratic opinion and I am too sensitive. He tells me that every day should be a new day and I should not carry his comments from one day to the next. However the comments and feelings do not go away over night and are building up - it is endless. I feel physically ignored and emotionally abused. This is an every day occurrence and I have tried very hard to comprehend how his behavior should be okay. I have not come to terms with it at all. Suggestions, please?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Dec 12, 2008, 10:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by frustrated wife View Post
    My husband and I have been married for 2 years, the second marriage for both of us. My first marriage of 31 years was a very positive experience. His first marriage lasted for 8 years when his wife left him and their young son for another man. He has been single for 18 years and rarely dated. We were married two years ago and it has been an uphill battle for me to gain his trust and confidence in our relationship. He belittles me, ridicules me and insults my sexuality. He chooses not to answer me, or mimics me like a sarcastic parrot. I have told him that it s not fair that I do his previous wife's pennance for hurting him so deeply. I have reassured him that I love him and am in this marriage for the long haul. But it gets harder each day when I do not feel that the love is returned. When I try to talk to him, his reply is that he is entitled to his democratic opinion and I am too sensitive. He tells me that every day should be a new day and I should not carry his comments from one day to the next. However the comments and feelings do not go away over night and are building up - it is endless. I feel physically ignored and emotionally abused. This is an every day occurrance and I have tried very hard to comprehend how his behavior should be okay. I have not come to terms with it at all. Suggestions, please?

    Have you sat down calmly and talked to him, told him how his behavior makes you feel, ask him why he feels this behavior is appropriate or necessary? Was he like this when you were dating?

    There is also always counselling.

    Is this part of the reason wife #1 left - ? Or is the behavior because she left? If you know -
    frustrated wife's Avatar
    frustrated wife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Dec 12, 2008, 10:39 AM
    He was not like this before we married or I woud have never married him. He was never open and warm and fuzzy but at least respectful in his own way. He used to give me my own space and now completely does not trust me either - for no reason. I am totally committed to him. It just gets worse by the day.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #4

    Dec 12, 2008, 01:55 PM

    ?? Not like this, so the day you said I DO, he just changed ?

    So use your democratic right and vote him to sleep on the couch.

    But somewhat more seroiusly, you both need to get into counseling,
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Dec 12, 2008, 02:02 PM

    I'm not really a proponent of "counseling heals all ills," but in this case, I really do believe that that would be your best course of action.

    If you have already told him that you don't like it when he talks to you like that, that it makes you feel inferior, and it hurts, then you need to take the next step of marital counseling.

    He needs to address WHY he is doing this. Maybe he doesn't know - maybe it's a psychological thing, he could be thinking you're too good for him, so he has to make you seem not as wonderful... I don't know.

    But a counselor could definitely help.

    Until then, stand up for yourself. He shouldn't make you feel inferior. The "sleep on the couch" is an option. He needs to know that it hurts and you're not going to put up with it.

    Take a stand; tell him you love him and you want to work it out, but it has got to stop.

    Best of luck.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #6

    Dec 12, 2008, 02:08 PM

    Counseling when done properly does not always "heal" but it shows you problems and issues if both parties will work at it and be honest.

    For my ex and myself, it showed us real fast we did not need to be married. So the result is at times showing you that divorce may be best in your case, it is not a cure but it is a path.
    frustrated wife's Avatar
    frustrated wife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Dec 12, 2008, 03:04 PM
    I feel like I have tried everything but do not want to give up. I purchased books about communicating, sent him emails that he does not bother to read and/or discuss, tried little positive "love yous", and yes, tried to talk to him. He is never wrong, just ask him, and always feels like he needs to defend his position instead of just listening to my feelings. I never say he is wrong, but just want to try to understand his thought process and why he is so negative towards me. We did counseling for about two months. I felt like it was very beneficial for me. I found out at that time that he had been in counseling at least three times previous - I had never been so it was new. We stopped going because our insurance coverage changed and he did not want to spend the money. (He is very frugal). I felt it was important to our marriage but apparently I was the only one that felt that way. I would love to know how guys think and hear some suggestions, please. I am not willing to throw in the towel but want a little respect and encouragement. I can undersatnd how married people have affairs - everyone needs love and encouragement and that may be the outlet - but I am not interested in that either right now. Frustration for sure!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #8

    Dec 12, 2008, 03:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by frustrated wife View Post
    I feel like I have tried everything but do not want to give up. I purchased books about communicating, sent him emails that he does not bother to read and/or discuss, tried little positive "love yous", and yes, tried to talk to him. He is never wrong, just ask him, and always feels like he needs to defend his position instead of just listening to my feelings. I never say he is wrong, but just want to try to understand his thought process and why he is so negative towards me. We did counseling for about two months. I felt like it was very beneficial for me. I found out at that time that he had been in couseling at least three times previous - I had never been so it was new. We stopped going because our insurance coverage changed and he did not want to spend the money. (He is very frugal). I felt it was important to our marriage but apparently I was the only one that felt that way. I would love to know how guys think and hear some suggestions, please. I am not willing to throw in the towel but want a little respect and encouragement. I can undersatnd how married people have affairs - everyone needs love and encouragement and that may be the outlet - but I am not interested in that either right now. Frustration for sure!!

    Again - you sit him down and say, "I'm unhappy. Here is why." You don't accuse - he isn't making you unhappy but the way he treats you makes you feel unhappy.

    And if he doesn't want to address this you either live like this or leave.

    I'm an investigator - I've worked on a lot of matrimonials. Interesting what you said about affairs. I would say maybe 80% of the time people say they had the affair not for the sex but because someone was kind and supportive and LISTENED TO THEM.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #9

    Dec 12, 2008, 03:39 PM

    Right now he is emtionally abusing you and you need to stand up yourself. He is playing on your sensitivity. If you continue to live like this it would only tear you apart and may lead to depression. Everyone deserves respect and if your own husband can give it then who will.

    When you see that he can talk to you in a civil matter and him becoming rude, leave the room and let him be disrespectful to himself. But you should be careful because his behavior can only get worset.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member
     
    #10

    Dec 12, 2008, 03:43 PM

    Right now he is emtionally abusing you and you need to stand up yourself. He is playing on your sensitivity. If you continue to live like this it would only tear you apart and may lead to depression. Everyone deserves respect and if your own husband can give it then who will.

    When you see that he can talk to you in a civil matter and him becoming rude, leave the room and let him be disrespectful to himself. But you should be careful because his behavior can only get worst.
    WorkingOnIt2's Avatar
    WorkingOnIt2 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Dec 12, 2008, 06:07 PM
    Marital counseling (or single counseling for him) is needed ASAP. He's still dealing with the anger and humiliation of his 1st wife leaving him. He's scarred and scared that you'll leave him, too. He deals with his insecurity with you (and probably women as a group) by demeaning and ridiculing them.

    But, and this is a huge assumption, he may still want a loving relationship but just doesn't know how to trust anymore. Here, you'll need to take you knowledge of him and try to really understand his motivations/emotions/needs. It's possible that his 1st wife left him after realizing that he was an a**hole. Or, maybe he has attachment/neglect/abuse issues from childhood and is struggling with insecurity.

    Let him know that a) you love him and will not leave him, b) you want to make him truly happy for the first time in his life, c) appreciate his good qualities (list them and play them up) and c) his behavior/treatment of you is slowly destroying the marriage. Then,ask him if that is what he wants? He's a man, and he needs to tell you what he wants out of the relationship. Let him know that its OK to have his own needs and OK to disagree with you, without be nasty and mean. Tell him that's what you expect from a husband. Let him know it's OK to share his feelings with you and that you won't leave him. (He can't open up to you because he expects you, like his 1st wife, to abandon him. He may get really angry at this point because it will probably touch a very raw nerve. If so, then you're on the right track.)

    Finally, ask him to talk with you for 10 minutes each day. He picks the time and he can pick the first topics. Most married couples interact for less than 15 minutes per day, and they rarely actually talk about themselves.

    If he doesn't respond in an acceptable manner, repeat this message to him several times over several days. Let it sink in. Then, give it a rest for a few days, before letting him know that you love him and that you're still there for him.
    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
    Uber Member
     
    #12

    Dec 13, 2008, 07:49 PM

    If it was 18 years for him to be alone between wives, I think this guy definitely has huge problems that not even counseling can solve. Sorry, but I just don't see a happy ending here as he was too set in his ways when you two got married. You had a nice marriage experience, he had just the opposite - got dumped and lied to. Now, he's probably reliving the past (only with you as a stand in for wifie #1) and he's probably terrified that this scenerio is happening all over again. He sounds like he's a died in the wool loner and should not have gotten married again.
    frustrated wife's Avatar
    frustrated wife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #13

    Dec 23, 2008, 06:18 AM

    Thanks for all of your comments. I kind of think WorkingOnIt 2 is pretty accurate. I think my husband does want a positive relationship and he is also frustrated. He is deeply scarred and scared and I have tried talking to him. He tells me that he does not know what to do with me so I gently try to make suggestions. Then he jumps to the defense right away to defend his position. I am only trying to tell him how I feel and am very careful not to criticize him. And for twinkiedootrer, you are right too. I realize that his hiatus from a relationship has caused huge pyschological problems that he will not admit, but I think he knows it. He still calls me by his first wife's name occasionally and frequently compares me to her. He claims that he has no feeling for her but after 18 years, he still slips and calls me that name. Shouldn't he be completely over her by now? I still feel like I do her penance and as much as he denies that fact, it is not easy to walk in the shadow of a person that walked out on her young son. Still, I want to make this marriage work and gladly accept all suggestions. Thank you all.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #14

    Dec 24, 2008, 07:34 PM

    Maybe all that time on his own has given him a rough edge, but if all your gentle nudging hasn't brought about communications, or change for the better, then you should either try dynamite under his a$$, or he lives on the porch.

    Putting up with bad behavior brings more bad behavior, and no matter how bad we want things to work, reality is what we have to deal with. You may be reluctant to leave, but don't be reluctant to stand up for yourself.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
    Ultra Member
     
    #15

    Dec 24, 2008, 08:29 PM

    He has no right so..

    Stand up and shout and get pissed and have a fit whenever he acts like a jerk!

    If he wants to play this doesn't count tomorrow than I'm going to abuse you tonight tit for tat.

    Like they say to men all the time *grow some* which means get some balls and stand up.

    Let him have it with both fists(not literally)but certainly verbally...

    Ask him who the F does he think he is talking to and then leave if you can.. take a drive and stay away long and tell him when you come back I 'm really thinking about leaving you.. see what he does then

    Then ignore him... totally ignore him and let him know you are not going to take it anymore!

    I am woman hear me roar... no one deserves what you are going through... stand up and fight for your rights!

    You will probably shock the crap out of him and that would be a good thing!

    Many blessings to you and sister strength!
    mountainpinelake's Avatar
    mountainpinelake Posts: 25, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #16

    Jul 11, 2010, 07:24 AM
    You know this also reminds me of a very beautiful retired woman who married a neighbor who was so romantic - they went on a honey moon and he changed - very difficult man to please at many levels - after 2 years he became HIV positive and she had to get tested - she was negative - Thank God. But she had to extract herself and she had no pre-nup. Luckily she did not have to pay alimony or anything...
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #17

    Jul 11, 2010, 08:18 AM

    This is a post from 2008 - long "dead."

    I realize the site is difficult to navigate when you are new but please keep on eye on the dates.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

My husband does not respect me and never has [ 14 Answers ]

I have been married for 23 years. My husband does not respect me and never has. He will say demening and hurtful thing because he doesn't get what he wants. We are high school sweethearts. Early in our relationship, he would use things from my past that he didn't like to try and make me feel...

Hi with respect [ 1 Answers ]

Hi: I have a problem I want use Microsoft c and c++ But it don't work under windows 98 can I have windous98 and 3.1 together?how can I make my program exe in that? Thanks

Can I ever gain husband respect? [ 7 Answers ]

About the only thing I've asked my husband for is respect: over the years I've heard things like---- he can't say, "woman" without saying "f---ing woman", "the week before, the week of, and the week after" (my period) "what good are you to me?" "your discuss me" I've been called stupid so much,...

My husband does not respect me [ 7 Answers ]

I re-married three yrs ago. My husband does not respect me, he is always arguing. He curses at me and insults me all the time, sometimes in front of my 12 yrs old. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. He does not treat my son with respect or love. And my son told me that if he hits him he...


View more questions Search