Hi,

I am so desperate for help. I was married to a man for 16 years that gambled, was addicted to porn, was very controlling, and had very perverted ideas of how a marriage should be. He had rushed me into marriage (less than 60 days after I met him we were married and I was pregnant) and I found out he had horrible credit and judgements etc filed on him. He bought new trucks, boats, tvs, anything he wanted on my credit and I was just saddled with him since a baby was on the way. I stuck it out because of the kids. I worked 3 or 4 jobs all the time to try to pay the bills with his spending habbits, and without me, my kids would have been homeless and starved.

When my son was 15, I found he was also looking at a lot of porn on a computer that my husband insisted we put in his room (against my judgement). This is the same behavior as my ex had. My son was becoming disrespectful toward women (teachers, my daughter, and myself) so I decided that my hanging in there with my perverted ex was not helping the kids, so I left with my daughter while he was at work. My son felt he needed to stay with his dad because dad couldn't take care of himself. I begged him in tears to go with me, but he said somebody had to stay. That night, my ex freaked out and told my son anything he could think of that was negative about me. He called me in excess of 1000 times that night threatening to blow his brains out and let my son find him etc. He also told me in one call that he was leaving with my son and I would never see him again.

So, after a couple of weeks, I thought things had calmed down and I let my daughter visit. I noticed a dramatic change in her after she visited him (she was 13) and he turned her on me somehow too. He snuck both of my teenage kids down and got them to sign papers saying they wanted to live with him and that he wanted child support from me. I did not have the $ for a good lawyer, and I kept giving him $ for bills while he secretly got a lawyer with his parent's $ and he got both kids, the house, and pretty much everything. I had agreed to give him the house and everything in it if he would leave the kids alone, and he snuck around and got them.

So, he got child support and everything too. Now, my son calls me horrific names such as slut, whore, you name it. My ex told my children I left for another man, even though I had to live in an old travel trailer because I could not afford a place to live after paying child support etc. since I took all of the bills too. I did start seeing someone a few months after the divorce, but I was divorced and was very alone in a town where I did not know anyone and my ex was constantly harassing me and guilting me to come back! He tells my kids they do not have to visit me, and I have not seen my son since 2006. When I tried to pick him up, he cursed me and threatened to rip me apart etc, and my ex says that is my son's opinion and he is entitled to it. My ex doesn't tell me anything about the kids. My daughter visits on court ordered days, but my ex ALWAYS blocks vacations and holidays that she is supposed to be with me by giving her a choice and she always picks him.

I always let her see him on holidays when she is with me, but he has not let her see me on Christmas in 3 years... or any other holiday. I try to do the right thing, but they hate me. My daughter says she doesn't, but if my son curses me or does something mean to me, she jumps the fence and is defensive of his actions. She is manipulating me just like her dad did. She comes over, but always wants me to buy her something or has to get something out of me. She has gained at least 100 lbs since the divorce and blames EVERYTHING on me. Everything that goes wrong is my fault because I am not there with her dad.

I remarried in 2008, and my son screamed and cursed me because he says I have step sons I am nicer to... but my son won't visit me or let me be nice. What can I do? He is a senior now and will graduate soon and I fear I will never see him again. I hear rumors of his pot use, although he easily makes straight A's as he always did. I do not know how to deal with the manipulation and mean, hateful reactions. I tell my son I love him and miss him, and he calls me a whore and says he hates me. I insisted on counseling in the beginning (which my daughter still goes with me but only if it is my days and I take her) and my ex took my son once and my son was aggressive and screamed at the counselor and left with his dad. My ex said my son did not want to go, and he wasn't going to make him. What can I do? I love my son and feel I need to do something, but attorneys say even if I could get custody, what would I do with a boy that hates me? I am just devastated. Help??

I would sat,sit back quietly even though that's very hard to do,let him come to you which he will in time... Keep showing him love but do not give in and try to buy their love for that will only make matters much worse...
They are only hewaring what the dad is telling them at this point but they will come around if you don't push things,you'll see... When they see how your living now and how your acting,that is what they will start seeing in you... Its tough love indeed but don't give in and you'll win their love back... Good luck...

Thanks for the advise. I have been sitting back for a couple of years but thought maybe I need to really do something... just wasn't sure what! I gave my son $100 on his birthday in a card that said I loved him, and he threw it in the trash. Do you think I should give him birthday and Christmas presents? Not sure what to do when he reacts this way. I want to give to him, but am afraid it looks like I'm buying love... like you said. :(