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    carol23's Avatar
    carol23 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 18, 2008, 03:41 PM
    My husband is very selfish in bed
    I have been married for a year and the problem is that I think my husband doesn't love me. The only time when he kisses me or hugs me is when he wants to have sex. To make it worse, when we have sex it is all about him, receiving massages, oral sex and having his orgasm and it is never my turn!! The very few times when he gives me oral sex he is very rough and hurts me, I feel like he does it to get himself aroused and not to please me, anyway he never does it for enough time for me to because it's his turn. A few times I have tried to make him touch me once he has finished but I end up even more frustrated because he begins to touch me and then falls sleep or starts to watch TV and gets distracted. I think he is not even attracted to me because he can't stand to have sex with the lights on.

    What can I do, I am desperate, I have talked to him about it and he changed but it lasted for about two weeks. I think he just doesn't care about me.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Nov 18, 2008, 03:49 PM

    Stop giving him his until you get yours.

    THAT will make him sit up and pay attention long enough to listen to you.
    MissBWleh's Avatar
    MissBWleh Posts: 16, Reputation: -1
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    #3

    Nov 18, 2008, 04:28 PM

    I know exactly what you are going through. My Ex was like that, in fact everuything you mentioned he was like that. What I did was stop doing what he wanted me to do until he did the things that I wanted to do. Yes he changed but it only lasted a week. Then he reverted back to his old ways. Men like that won't change unless they WANT to, not because you talked to him or because you want him to. He is what he is, selfish. I am sorry you married him. Let him know that you are sexually frustrated and that as your husband it is his duty to make you feel good, you are his wife for christs sake. But as the above poster said, stop giving him oral, he will listen up. And if he tries reverting back to his old ways, cut him off again. But really make that be a last choice, really try talking to him about it, make him understand that you have needs too.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #4

    Nov 18, 2008, 06:23 PM

    I'm a guy and I'll say he's a jerk. He doesn't want to listen.

    Like the Ladies above mentioned... stop going above and beyond until he learned there is someone else in his bed too.

    I've never done that in my entire life to a woman unless she flat out said she wasn't interested in getting off..
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Nov 18, 2008, 07:56 PM

    Yep, cut him off until he does,
    cyberoh's Avatar
    cyberoh Posts: 9, Reputation: 0
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    #6

    Nov 18, 2008, 08:53 PM
    Hi ^^,
    First, it seems your husband is selfish but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
    I think you should know him better than anybody else. I would say that he wasn't loved by many people and from his family in the past. That is the result of his selfishness. Wanting to be cared & loved but not the other way. He takes it but he doesn't want give it.

    But I really didn't understand your husband when you said he doesn't like to turn on lights when in sexual relationship. I am aware that most men don't mind turning on lights and most women do mind when having sex. But your husband is different. In other word, your husband doesn't even have sex with you in other place such as bathroom, kitchen, living room, balcony... etc. In other word, his attitude does seem to express that he doesn't appreciate you OR he is an introvert when having sex. There are some people who wish to have sex in 'SECURED' atmosophere. I would want to think the latter reason.

    Also, if you are married just a year then I think both you & your husband have plenty of time to adjust to each other. Marriage is NOT "this is who I am & you married me, so live with it". Marriage is another stage of your life that both of you need to ADJUST yourselves and ADAPT to one another so that you can live together happily ever after. In short, each of you will have to YIELD & SACRIFICE your ego for another MORE than anything. But if you are the ONLY one who is trying to satisfy him and if he doesn't, THEN WHY MUST YOU KEEP ON DOING THIS? Repeat to him that both should think for each other & live for each other. TELL HIM UNTIL THESE WORDS GO THROUGH HIS THICK SKULL.

    Conclusion is, it is YOU who has to change things. You know, there are many traits for a GREAT MAN. But one fundamental TRAIT of a GREAT MAN is that behind him he has a GREAT WIFE. And you should fight for it.

    Also, just a little tip. Try to differenciate clarify what is 'having sex' and 'making love'.
    Yes, sometimes, husband & wife DO have sex. It's simple, fast, brief, mainly for a quick satisfaction of the other's urge. (Usually man)
    But most of the time husband and wife SHOULD make love which include FOREPLAY with smooches, caress, touching, etc etc, THEN the main part, THEN after men's ejaculation both should do another session of smooching & touching etc to COOL down (for women).

    I am married for 9 years but in fact, I only NOTICED this whole 'making love' thing in my 5th year of marriage. Then I felt really guilty to my wife for those past 5 years which I enjoyed SEX and she was merely trying satisfy me.

    So, both of you with ONE YEAR OLD marriage life, you still have plenty of time to explore & learn one another... It's always better for a person to learn & realize oneself than TAUGHT by another. You can teach him INDIRECTLY which will save his embarrassment. You don't want your husband to be embarrassed because men DO get 'silly' anger (like a child) which most MEN hate.

    My old man always said, "BALANCING" is the key to ultimate happiness. ^^
    syl1303's Avatar
    syl1303 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 18, 2008, 11:58 PM
    Comment on cyberoh's post
    Sound from really an experienced chap there!
    linnealand's Avatar
    linnealand Posts: 1,088, Reputation: 216
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    #8

    Nov 19, 2008, 06:07 PM

    Ugh.

    That's really bad.

    Was he like this before you were married? If so, did you think he would magically change? If he was not like this before you got married, when did this start happening? The fact that he's acting like this within the span of a year, which is a time when you should still be in your honeymoon phase, disturbs me.

    Being selfish is just part of the problem. What I think is worse is that his actions communicate a lack of respect for you.

    When someone is selfish in the way you have described, I can't imagine that he would be anything less than selfish in the rest of his life with you. Have you considered that possibility? Is he selfish? Is he uncaring?

    Consider the way acts in general, including the way he treats others compared to the way he treats himself. This might be taking a shot too far into the dark, but in analyzing his various behaviors, do you think you might be dealing with a narcissist? The only reason this comes to my mind is that you have described a whole lot things that I would consider to be big, hoisted, waving red flags.

    Most times when people hear the term "narcissist", they assume it to mean someone who is just totally full of himself. Well, that's not exactly right. If you research this topic as accepted by the psychological community (also known as narcissistic personality disorder), you might be surprised by exactly what makes a narcissist a narcissist.

    One of the most significant characteristics that make narcissists what they are is lack of empathy. This means that they are unable to put themselves into other people's shoes, to understand how their actions and behaviors impact other people, or to understand other people's feelings like the rest of us do.

    Despite coming off too much of the world as egotistically grandiose, they are actually people who inwardly suffer from very low self esteem. Could that be why he keeps the lights off? Perhaps it's not your body he's ashamed of; it's his.

    If you think there's anything to this idea, look into it. I once read a book called "help! i'm in love with a narcissist". (if anyone's wondering, it wasn't for me or any relationship I've been in.) anyway, I found it enlightening, and I know that the person who used this book regarding her own relationship had a much better understanding of her life with him because of it.

    However, like I said, it might not be narcissism at all.

    If this is just a bedroom thing, then you might just call it real selfishness. Could he be turning off the lights because he's fantasizing about other women? I don't know.

    If you weren't married, I would tell you to get out of there, and fast. There's no point in wasting your time with someone like that.

    Nevertheless, you are married. This means that you're going to have to resolve this problem because if you don't, it will only continue to wear you down and hurt you for the years and years to come. No human being wants to feel neglected by the person who is supposed to love them the most, especially during their most intimate moments. It's much more than a physical issue; it's the emotionally based connection that every healthy couple shares.

    I do think it's very important to communicate with your husband on a serious level in a neutral place, when he's most available to listen and not to argue back. I'm concerned that if you bring it up all the time, he's going to call it nagging and make you the problem.

    If this were my relationship, I would be in couples therapy or a sex therapist's office tomorrow morning. Clearly, you cannot continue down this road as it is. Having a moderator and an emotional translator could make this a much more successful endeavor.

    Why do you think he acts this way? Is it cultural? Does he have limited respect for women in general? Is he guilty of backwards thinking?

    You think he might not be attracted to you. Well, he must have been attracted to you enough a year ago to decide to marry you. Have you changed drastically? If not, it's not the attraction issue.

    I hope things change for you soon. Do your part. Do the work involved. Give it a deadline. If you're still in the same place then, count your losses and get out of there.
    carol23's Avatar
    carol23 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 20, 2008, 01:01 PM
    Thank you very much for your answer!!
    To answer your question actually when we where dating he used to take the time to please me... not every time we had sex but sometimes, thatīs what makes me think he is not attracted to me anymore... I am pretty much the same that I was a year ago when he married me so I donīt understand how could he like me then and not now :confused:
    The only reason I can think of is that he wants to be with someone else :(

    He is very selfish in bed but he is actually very nice to me in every other way, he tries his best to get me everything I want, and tells me how much he loves me all the time. Every time one of my friends meets him they tell me later that they can see how he adores me!! All my female friends are jealous and want to find a guy like him!. and I just think to myself... if they knew!!
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #10

    Nov 20, 2008, 01:10 PM

    Probibly not because he isn't attracted to you. He's just lazy, and selfish. If he only tollerated being with you he wouldn't be so nice the rest of the time.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #11

    Nov 20, 2008, 05:53 PM

    In a marriage, there are different stages... as well as people who grow or not grow at different rates.

    He is not Prince Charming... he is just a healthy guy wanting to get laid. HE sounds to me like he would be cooperative with you. The thing is, you have to know what you want sexually and be aggressive about it. If you aren't orgasmic or willing to up the ante on your sexuality, then, you will probably continue to think of yourself as a *victim* here.

    NO one likes a victim... you will end up sabotaging your marriage.

    There is always therapy to get to really know yourself.

    Best wishes going forward, life is to be enjoyed, :)
    mosag330's Avatar
    mosag330 Posts: 36, Reputation: 3
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    #12

    Nov 21, 2008, 01:02 PM

    Three words: male chastity belt. He'll learn to focus on you REAL quick once you make it clear you're in control.
    jynx3943's Avatar
    jynx3943 Posts: 29, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Nov 21, 2008, 01:44 PM

    Dump his sorry
    carol23's Avatar
    carol23 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Nov 27, 2008, 03:37 PM
    Guess what! I talked to him , I told him that he never cares if I got any pleasure... and he just got mad and went to sleep!!

    Next morning he tries to have sex like nothing happened!! I am really pissed so I donīt let him... I WANT TO TALK!! But he gets mad at me again and won't talk... after a while he says that he doesnīt want me to get mad and that we both should get pleasure...

    Anyway a decide to forget about the subject because the next two times we did it he made sure I came... but that was it!! We have had sex two more times and again he just does his stuff and kisses me good night

    I know that sometimes you just want a quickie but I am afraid that we are back on the beginning!! I have talked to him four times already along our relationship about this I really donīt know what to do!!

    I donīt want to leave him because we are married and I want to make it work but I wonīt keep begging him to do anything and besides is not a great turn on to know he is doing it because I begged!!

    The only solution I can think of is forgetting about pleasure for me and stop worrying about his as well. He can forget about me making ANY EFFORT to please him in any way, and if he still wants sex I will let him but do it but I won't even move!! And I will be watching TV!! lets see how he likes that... :(
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #15

    Nov 30, 2008, 04:59 PM

    I really do thinlk he cares about you as his wife etc. but that is SOME selfish behavior... I really hope for his sake and yours that he reacts if you don't move and watch TV. I mean seriously, isn't sex about more than the orgasm? Isn't it about closeness and touching, being touched (in a relationship\marriage that is)
    BetrayalBtCamp's Avatar
    BetrayalBtCamp Posts: 307, Reputation: 63
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    #16

    Dec 2, 2008, 10:41 AM
    Based on his behavior with his clothes on, it sounds like he does love you but he has a default sexual mentality that isn't working for you, which is to get his & get done. You've tried talking to him which has gotten you better sex, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not an isolated problem but an ongoing issue. The fact that he has changed his techniques to make it more satisfying for you shows that he's at least capable of doing that, so you've at least got that to work with.

    One part of the problem is that you are expecting him to change a habit overnite, & that rarely if ever happens. You know how he likes to have sex with you so it's not surprising that's the way he is likely to do it even after you've talked to him about it. When his brain is engaged in sex, it's not saying "Remember she told me she needs ____ to be satisfied", instead it's saying "I want to NOW!".

    One way to compromise might be to let him do it his way at least once a week & your way at least once a week. For your day, pick one that he doesn't have to go to work the next day so sleeping late is possible. Once he sees the benefits of your being happy & satisfied sexually, hopefully some of those new habits will have a chance to spill over on his day as well. But don't make it "you're doing it ALL wrong" thing, just lovingly point out to him that you love to enjoy him fully & as a woman your body simply isn't designed to be the quick sort of sexual mechanism his is.

    Marriage is all about finding fun ways to both get as much satisfaction & happiness from each other as possible, treat it that way & the rewards are amazing, in & out of bed, naked or not. Learning & adapting to what pleases the other sexually is an important part of that. It does sound like he cares immensely about you, he just has bad habits sexually that will erode your marriage if not appropriately dealt with. That won't change overnite, but if you both agree that making love is as important as having sex together & taking the needed steps to get both in a healthy balance, the marriage will be stronger for it & both of you will get a happier sex life as a result.

    Maybe you can discuss the best way for you to signal him what you need so it's not as disruptive as you making him feel he's sexually inadequate while playing together, like with the use of a code word or phrase that lets him know he needs to slow down for example? Try to figure out a gentle way to remind him of what you need while having sex together so it's a good experience for both, it could be by a certain touch or saying something like "More play please!" or touching his wedding ring with a smile as you look into his eyes, as long as you both know what it means you can come up with a way to let him know he's rushing you without spoiling the mood.

    Given what you say is his treatment of you as a whole, I'd say he just gets into you physically & is just too caught up in the moment to regulate himself very well, but that can be changed with some patience & willingness on both your parts to make it a more satisfying experience for both of you. And it might also help if you ask him what he likes & dislikes sexually so it's a discussion where both of you can talk about what you want / need, instead of it feeling like it's just a what's wrong with the way he is sexually type thing.
    GiveMeFiftyFeet's Avatar
    GiveMeFiftyFeet Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Dec 12, 2008, 11:48 AM

    Don't have sex with him.
    kel08786's Avatar
    kel08786 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Feb 11, 2009, 09:09 AM

    I know that this is an old post, but I was searching for answers to my own problem, and decided to reply to this one.

    My husband is very much the same: he treats me good outside of the bedroom, but once we get in the bed, he is very selfish. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he gets angry (I think this is because he is embarrassed that he is not pleasing me, therefore he "doesn't want to" please me). I have been troubled with this for quite some time, and have thought of many different ways to approach him about it, but I always refrain and I continue to be dissatisfied after intercourse.

    I did, though, ask someone what to do, and she told me to stop doing what he wants me to do, and maybe he will get the picture. I'm sorry, but that is very hard to do when someone as persistent as my husband is lying right next to you. And really, I hate to fight, and cause problems, so I usually just give in... and every time afterwards I cry or get mad about it. I really have no idea what to do about it, because I can't go through my whole marriage masturbating to give myself the big "O", when my husband is lying next to me, and I know that if he tried, he would do just fine getting me off.

    It's very frustrating when you love someone so much, but can't seem to fix the problem between you too. I'm at my wits end.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #19

    Jan 10, 2010, 09:42 AM

    Closed, looks like a two year old thread has been re-visted a few times by newbies, ( god love them)

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