In Psychology that is a no brainer. It is called indentity foreclosure and this is a problem with women who leave from the family home and just get married. That's why I never date a woman who never left home and lived in her own, no matter how much she claims to love me. My education and degree in psychology has paid to have in so may ways and if you are a young woman stuck at home with mom and dad I suggest you move out and live on your own by yourself for a period

There's a word for it.. its called jelousy

Well, my mother is kind of mean to me. She'll tell me I'm fat. Or tell me that my hair looks terrible, or that my jeans are giving me a muffin top. I'm 5'1" and 117 pounds... I'm normal sized however I have manic depression and social anxiety disorder. At 17 (my current age), my mother got pregnant with me, things were okay, then she had my brother at 19. And after that she ballooned out to being over 200lbs, and she is 5'1" as well. I think she daïs the things she does because she's jealous. I'm not pregnant, so I will be able to comfortably continue my education, I'm in good shape, which is more then she can say. So honestly, I wouldn't say it's hate.. I think she's just purely jealous that I'm a better person that she could have been at 17. Any help in answering?

You might be right and with all that turmoil that can be in your head that's a pretty clear and well thought out observation. Has it occurred to her that perhaps she could lose the weight also and instead of being jealous perhaps take a page out of your book and join with you and get a positive affirmation as opposed to be jealous. That is what pisses me off about people. Instead of being happy for you they are jealous it makes no sense

Why would a parent especially a mother be jealous of her own child and blood?it beats me.if anything they have to be proud if their children turned out better than them and know that they did a good job bringing them up and playing a part in their success.but yes,it's true that lots of mothers out there are very jealous of their children especially the daughters.and it might not look like a very serious issue for anyone who has not experienced first hand what some others have gone through but it does make a part of you die permanently although it doesn't mean you have to give up on life.sometimes a friend can always be closer than a relative and be there for you when you need them and love you unconditionally.if family can't give you the love and support you need without criticizing you,making you feel bad always and hurting your feelings at every opportunity then it's better to move on and find someone else who will and believe me,there are good people out there who will make you feel worthy of yourself and not make you feel like a failure and cherish your love for them too.mothers who behave in such unspeakable ways will never change(frome my experience) so giving them a chance in life to do so will only destroy who you are.the fact that they brought you into this world doesn't make you indebted to them in anyway.in short there are some people who shouldn't be allowed to be parents at all.

To answer this question I guess we really don't know why. Some things only God knows. My mother had me at age 14 and my father was 20. I have a really great vivid memory and can remember almost everything that's ever happened in my life like it was yesterday. My parents were very young trying to raise me and I think that has something to do with it. I understand my Mother may have been scorned by the fact that my father cheated on her with many different women and I had to witness all the fights and all the drama between them at a very young age which was hard for me. My mother may have also been abused as a child by her mother which I heard from other family members. I still feel that doesn't give her the right to do the things she does to me and my other little sisters. She calls them out their name constantly and talks down on us constantly and their only age 6 & 8. I feel my mother is mentally retarded. She says she loves us but she always says it so dry and I have a very hard time saying it back. I mean she is very mean and has a evil irritable attidude 24/7. She took me from all my friends in Florida and moved me away with her without warning(tear). She's very hippacritical. She tries to tell others how to parent their kids when she can't even raise her own properly. I strongly dislike her and I feel she is ruining my life. Life is too short as it is and all she wants me to do is stay home and watch my sisters. She's so lazy and is always calling somebody else lazy. I feel she is a lowlife. She is never satisfied with anything and has a bitter heart. She always tries to play the victim and never evaluates herself. I can't blame my father because he has changed as a person. Don't get me wrong he's not perfect. I mean no one is but he is loving and he is a Sunday school teacher and he has chosen God to lead him.

I just wish my mother would just leave me alone and just go on with her life. When I'm away from her I never miss her. Itz just...

This issue is very complex and one that obviously causes lifelong anguish for its victims. My mother spent her high school years as an invalid recovering from a spine injury that left her cripple and late to marry. When she did it was to an abusive husband that she didn't love or respect (rightfully so). They had 7 children and my twin and I are the oldest. Fortunately my twin and I were given away to my grandparents at about 1 year old. My mother was jealous of me but not my twin, she said I had my father's eyes (and therefore assumed I must be like him). She also appears to have made me a scapegoat for her troubles. She made rude comments about me when she visited, for instance, if anything was broken she immediately blamed me even though a younger sister would be standing over the object with me across the room. She would tell my grandmother "See you think she's so perfect and look what she's done." Other quotes are "The only pretty thing about you is your hair." "She deserves to be strangled, she made me let you all stay out late" (that was said as she was beating my twin over the back with a garden hose so she wouldn't interrupt my punishment), "She's cold hearted". And after I was grown and thought that even though we didn't have a mother/child relationship perhaps now we could just be friends, I heard her say to her 2nd husband just prior to knocking on the door, "Why does SHE has to visit us." And when my first book was published and I gave a copy to my siblings her only comment was "Your hair is almost as long as Linda's." This woman also, after six girls, made her son a surrogate husband, nursing him until he was 6 and calling him her "little man" that would protect her. As an adult, every time he found a girlfriend and moved away she called with a crisis (hearing burglars outside) and he moved back into the house. At almost 50 he lives alone (she's in a nursing home).

I understand that people prior to the last 20 years had very little professional guidance for their mental well being or for parenting. Many had horrible childhoods or marriages and had to cope on their own.

My resentment comes from my siblings not understanding why I don't care and thinking that I'm strange and the culprit when my mother now says she wonders why I'm not close to her like the others and she wants to make up. I feel it's her current way of playing "victim" and getting attention at the expense of others (this time me). I've learned to counter with pretending everything is fine and not saying what I really think to my siblings. Only my twin understands because the younger siblings seem to have very few memories of their childhoods and they were all treated with love. She used me as her scapegoat and object of jealousy, and suffocated my brother as her protector.

I am very fortunate that my grandparents raised me and my heart goes out to those who didn't have this lifeline. Due to this I don't hate my mother but I don't love her either and don't feel there is a law that says we owe it to our tormentors.

I agree some mother are really not to be trusted they are fake , not good mother at all , they bring affair ness to children I am still hurt with that trying to focus a mother should be your friend , your confider and everything but some are nasty at that their nature

It is disappointing to see the mothers that don't value their kids. Not everyone can have them. It's a sugar and spice part of life. My step-daughter's mother walked out of her like at a year old. Mind you, this woman has 2 other kids. One older than my step-daughter and the other younger than her. And the grandmother of all these children takes the kids for one night a month. And my step-daughter doesn't get to see her mother. She cries to me about not getting accepted at school. And I know that has a lot to do with her mother not wanting too be apart of her life. I told my step-daughter that I may not be "her mother", but that I will b here for her and I understand her bcause my father never wanted to know me, he still doesn't even after I've made several attemps to b in his life.

I'm not a mom but I know quite a few.

1. Because they don't realize the importance of it.

2. Because they think they are giving the child motivation but don't realize they're sabotaging

3. Because jealously rears it's ugly head

4. Because there's another problem going on and they're transferring it onto the kids.

The list goes on but these are the most common to me

I think we make the mistake of putting parents above human fault. We regard them as mentors, counsellors, unconditionally loving, no matter what we do.

To step back and realize they aren't perfect, and what they say and do is sometimes hurtful and harmful is realizing they are, human, after all. Some are better than others, some discriminate among their offspring, some are just plain mean, some say one thing but really mean another.

Realizing that at the adult stage of your life means you have to just accept them as they are. As an adult, you have to make your own calls, and if knowing that your parent(s) have a negative effect on you, you compensate by knowing that a visit of one hour is okay, but three hours will leave you depressed for a week.

Confronting, or blaming, or expecting them to be different, open and honest once you have reached adulthood and are on your own, is unrealistic. You could spend your lifetime trying to get answers and apologies, and all you've done is waste time.

I agree that people should pass at least some sort of competency test before having children. Just the basics. I work with three young women, single, who all decided to have a baby at the same time. One just had hers yesterday, and the others will soon be following. Babies as a fashion accessory.

It might be a good idea to start a diary to get all that simmering negativity out in the open. As the past rears its ugly head, write it out. How it affects your life, your anger, confusion etc. Write as long, and as much as you have to.

Then, when you are satisfied that you've addressed all these memories and incidents, burn the book.

I never had mom but latley going to co which is really helping me since I started going to cousenling it has help me allot ,change me really happy now.I have cut my mother out of my life because I was giving myself expectation that was never there , something that will never ever happen, I had to grief the mother I never had forever that helps me allot , at least I accept that my mother was never there she had choice gave me away , for 26 years of age I had burden on my shoulder but once , I did what I explain earlier it help me allot I am happy don't want to see her ever as she hurts me all the time she can never be happy for me , she is jealous , and can't accept me for who I am and she envy me allot, but there is no love so I had to move on .I am even glad to share these expiereince with anyone I feel am free though I am focusing on myself now just me just once for all

Good for you Vekaama!

You have been brave enough to learn how to live your life without the guilt and pain of an unloving parent.

It really is grieving isn't it. You grieve for what will never happen. In a way, relationships of all stripes go through the same thing. You have to realize the loss, learn how to cope with it, and move on.

It is good that you've reached a level of confidence and I applaud you for that. Far too many people live their lives in the shadow of 'what should have been'.

Its part off grieve to me due that I had gave myself expectation that one day me and my mom will be mother and daughter I tried to make her life better , help me young sister she raised , help her allot , but all I was getting hurts me self I could never find a mother who accept me , but now I have accepted she will never be there , never was .You could give your kids away but once they come back to find you.Showing you don't care its hurts allot emotional , also a girl not having amom is such a traumatic expeierince and has affect on your moral and everything.But able to indetify theseissued for me and able to deal with I give me self praise it took me 26 years thanks god I can talk about these without being depresss .thnaks allot anyway

I can relate. I was born 10 months after my older sister. It was obvious that I wasn't the favorite daughter. But, as I look back at my childhood, it was always in the shadow of my older sister. Today, I've accepted that my mother was only a person who gave birth to me. She was never a friend or supported me when times were hard or I needed a shoulder to cry on. I was my dad's favorite and I think that is another reason why she hated me. i.e. talk ill about me to family, friends and associates when I'm not around. Blame me for her shortcomings, etc. I'm now in my mid 40's and I've grown to forgive her but yet stay away from her. It's too bad, cause she lost out on a really loyal and cool daughter.

First of all, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It is good to know I am not alone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that my mother hates me. I have spent my whole life trying to maintain a relationship with her, but I have finally decided to move on.

I used to always look at things from her perspective, and feel for her and the difficulties in her life, and believe she did the best she could with what she had. But I was only kidding myself to spare the pain of the truth.

She was mean and cruel to me. She treated me like a slave, my whole life was centered around her needs. She berated the way I looked, walked, and talked. She flew into rages and beat me. I am just starting to sleep most nights, after over twenty years of insomnia - such was the terror that woman instilled in me.

I think she was jealous of me. I still think she is.

I finally moved far far away from her, and my dad, who could care a less either. Now that I am in a safe place far from her clutches and her negative perspective on me - I am beginning to heal. And all of the forgiveness I had before had vanished. Now I am angry. I have children of my own, and they are the most precious things in my life. I am proud of them, and I know they are better than me. When I think of the things my parents did to me and my brother and I look at my kids the same age, I want to smack my parents back to the stone age.

They have no remorse for anything they did. They were the perfect parents and we were the ungrateful kids. In truth they were a couple of low life drunks who could not be othered to keep us fed or supervised. Mean spirited, cruel s.

I am glad I moved so far away, and I don't care if I ever see them again.

The funny thing is I used to work in nursing homes and I would always be stunned by all of the people just left there and forgotten. I would think, how could you abandon your own parents? There is no way I could ever do that! Now my perspective has changed. I don't see any reason to give up my life, that I have had to fight tooth and nail for, to ever help them. They have never helped me, unless you consider birthing me - and I did not ask for that. Oh and I had to hear how she should have had an abortion because I ruined her life. Well maybe you should have kept your legs closed!

If these relationships are damaging to you or driving you crazy, remove yourself. Stay away from people who make you feel bad.

My mother was cruel to me and I moved 3,000 miles to get away from her. I think she is depressed, insecure, and angry about herself and she took it out on me. It's a form of bullying. I don't think she even realizes what she's doing and I think she would say she was a good mother who did "everything" and she did do all the required things, driving me place to place, feeding me, vounteering at the school, but I think she hated every minute of it for her own reasons. Being a mother is hard, hard work and if someone isn't cut out for it, then I think certain types of people just crack. My mom did. I am so proud of myself, I have broken the cycle (by all accounts)

So sorry to hear you experience with your mother and yes you're not the only one and I think you made the right decision to get away from her else she would have dragged you down with her.same as me,I will never see her again but when I have kids of my own I will do everything in my power not to become my mother.I hope your wounds heal in time because I know how hard it can be to let go,but I realize that if you let go it's always easier to live a happy life instead of being angry about the past.you cannot change the past but you can change your future by letting all the pain,hurt and anger go and staying away from those people who put you down.AND YES IT FEELS REALLY GOOD TO LET GO OF ALL THE ANGER AND PAIN IN YOUR HEART. Those people didn't know the wonderful person you are and who the lost and it's their loss at the end of the day.stay blessed!

From your experience it sounds so similar to mine and others here.my mother also reminded me that she's doing everything for me,like clothing,food and shelter,but even though she provided for me basically she treated me like crap and just like you I have promised myself never to be my mother.I just cannot see myself treating my kids so cruelly

Most mothers don't hate their children. They may hate what they do or say. They may hate that their children do not live up to their potential. Mothers often inherit a legacy of perceived or actual abuse from their parents and don't know how to break the cycle. Do your best to repair the relationship before she dies or you will regret any misunderstandings of the past. Hope this helps someone.