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boberto3523 · Sep 6, 2008, 02:25 PM

So I just joined and have been reading some of these posts and some of them seem to be about being insecure or jealous. So what do you feel is being too selfish. Is him/her always being around the opposite sex and you tell them to tone it down insecure? What about always "going out" with someone of the opposite sex like to lunch, dinner, hanging out at the person's house? So what do you feel is being too insecure or maybe something that really shouldn't be happening but is? PLease add your own "insecurities" too.

talaniman · Sep 6, 2008, 03:48 PM

I didn't see a question, but your statement begs a response. Why would you put up with someone's behavior that makes you feel insecure??

Ain't that much love in the world, to overrule good common sense is there? That doesn't sound like caring, and sharing to me. It certainly can't be healthy.

boberto3523 · Sep 6, 2008, 06:15 PM

Well can anyone be too insecure where they should change it? Like some of the above things. If you didn't like or asked some of those things would you be overly inscure? And should you try to change your views?

talaniman · Sep 6, 2008, 07:42 PM

You should be comfortable enough to express yourself, and expect your partner to listen, and both be willing to work together to solve your problems, to the benefit of both partners.

That doesn't mean expecting overnight changes, but it does mean working toward a compromise that both can agree to.

Now if one individual has personal issues, and will not at least work on them, then it will cause problems, and an insecure partner falls in that category.

To be fair, if the root cause of that insecurity is made worse by the selfish actions of the partner, that is a whole different story, as something has to change fast or a disaster is in the making.

BlakeCory · Sep 6, 2008, 08:35 PM

Insecurity would be the opposite of security, in a relationship. Instead of confidence in your partner you are afraid. You worry about what they are thinking or doing when you are not around. You second guess their motives e.g. Do these flowers mean he is cheating? You could be insecure about your height, weight, job, humor, or any number of crazy things e.g. singing voice, foot size, hair color, freckles, and hairiness. These personal insecurities then bleed into the relationship casting doubt into every moment.

This is why open and honest communication is so, so, important. This is also why fighting when you are angry is so dangerous. A few little mean words in a fight (that you might have not even really meant or believed) can cause huge insecurities for years. That is the worst case scenario but it happens everyday to people that love each other but are not careful with their precious gift.

When the relationship falls apart and breaks and it can't be put back together they see for the first time how shallow many of their insecurities really were.

JBeaucaire · Sep 6, 2008, 11:00 PM

Insecurity is mostly about your fears, not HIS behavior. It's acceptable to experience any level of insecurity as long as you don't aim it at him or try to put it ON him.

Notice the difference:

"You hang out with her too much, I want you to stop it. I can't trust you two when I'm not around. Why do you have to be around her? I'm your girlfriend."
-OR
"I'm having a problem with you hanging out with her. I trust you, I just want you to know I'm working on it and you'll have to help me. Thanks."

The first is what most people DO, and therein lies the problem. The second shows what should be the way it is expressed.

People can't be coached out of their natural behaviors. They only change them when there is a positive and self-motivated reason for doing so. Getting lectured about your friends (#1) is negative, but your girlfriend asking for help with a problem SHE is having is a positive process (#2).

Think about it.