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debito · Sep 1, 2008, 05:36 AM

I am 25 yrs old and have been with my 29yr old boyfriend for 6 years. Our sex life has never been great but he used to initiate sex a lot. We have got a mortgage together and don't have sex at all now. I have found porn on his computer and have discussed it with him, I tried to explain how it made me feel knowing he is looking at these images but he can't stand to be close to me. In every other way our relationship is good. We have only ever slept with each other and I know he is not cheating on me nor is he gay. I don't know what to do, I feel so desperate for his attention, but when I bring it up we end up arguing and he tells me that he loves me but isn't very sexual (I know he is I've seen the type of porn he looks at). He says if I bring it up he feels under pressure but if I don't bring it up nothing happens, and I just bottle it up and feel unattractive, needy and frustrated. I love him and don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do, whenever it has almost come to breaking up he tells me that what we have is more important than splitting up over this. Please someone help me?

debito · Sep 1, 2008, 05:46 AM

This is what I worry about but I feel I'm in too deep now and I couldn't leave him if I wanted to, we've let it go too far with the mortgage, and I get on so well with his parents they have helped us so much I feel like I would be hurting them too. But part of me feels like I deserve more than this forever.

debito · Sep 1, 2008, 05:53 AM

I guess you are right, how do you deal with it? Did you stay for the same reasons. Sorry I know there are people who are far worse off, but he is the only person who I have ever been with and I don't know if I am being petty when we get on so well, maybe sexual compatibility is not the most important aspect of our relationship. Does it get easier to cope with?

debito · Sep 1, 2008, 06:00 AM

Have you discussed it with him. I feel very lonely too. It is the worst feeling to be lying next to someone who won't touch you, and won't discuss it with you.

jrwild62 · Sep 1, 2008, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by debito

I am 25 yrs old and have been with my 29yr old boyfriend for 6 years. Our sex life has never been great but he used to initiate sex a lot. We have got a mortgage together and don't have sex at all now. I have found porn on his computer and have discussed it with him, I tried to explain how it made me feel knowing he is looking at these images but he can't stand to be close to me. In every other way our relationship is good. We have only ever slept with each other and I know he is not cheating on me nor is he gay. I don't know what to do, I feel so desperate for his attention, but when I bring it up we end up arguing and he tells me that he loves me but isn't very sexual (I know he is I've seen the type of porn he looks at). He says if I bring it up he feels under pressure but if I don't bring it up nothing happens, and I just bottle it up and feel unattractive, needy and frustrated. I love him and don't want to leave him but I don't know what to do, whenever it has almost come to breaking up he tells me that what we have is more important than splitting up over this. Please someone help me?

Question, have you grown unattrative to him over the years? If not, and he watches porn,, I don't understand that type of guy. If you are more than willing to give him that thang, and chooses porn, he is not a very sexual guy. Have you tried to innitiate the sex?
And you said the KIND of tapes he watches. What is that KIND? If they are kinky or whatever,, I bet you that type of sex is what he wants from you. That's why he looks at it. Know what I mean? Jim

Synnen · Sep 1, 2008, 12:20 PM

Have you tried any sort of counseling?

You either need to work together to fix this, because in a relationship you should BOTH be happy.

OR

You need to accept that this is how it is, and move forward with that acceptance.

I don't know that I could accept it, myself. I'd probably beg, plead and whine to get him to work it out with me--with a third party moderating.

talaniman · Sep 1, 2008, 01:21 PM

Back off, as the lack of communication has you taking his action so personally, you reacting in bad, and insecure ways. You guys need to talk for sure, as his ideas of intimacy are not working for you, but for him to see it, YOU must be in a better mental, and emotional place.

Your both young, and he probably has hit a comfort zone, and have little motivation to move beyond it. That doesn't mean you have to wrap your whole life around him,, nor need his attentions, to make yourself feel good about YOURSELF.

Do you have kids to go with that mortgage? Or is the mortgage keeping you there? Sometimes to establish communications again, and peak the interest, you may have to ignore him, and let him see, your happy without him.

Sounds weird, but it will allow you to put your own life in a place that your happy with yourself. He will be a lot more open to talk when he is wondering, and not so comfortable, as to miss seeing he is taking you for granted.

And what about this porn issue?? Has he made any unreasonable demands because of it?

Choux · Sep 2, 2008, 03:14 PM

Girl, you are only 25 years old!!

For heaven's sake, you aren't helpless, a passive victim of your boyfriend and life... get some courage! Why, you could live to be 75 in this unhappy state.

You need to go to a GOOD therapist and find out why you are settling for unhappiness out of life at such a young age.

Make a call tomorrow. You deserve happiness, and you deserve being treated like a queen, not abused.

debito · Sep 3, 2008, 03:57 AM

Thank you for all your advice. I know I am only 25 and that I have the power to walk away but I don't know why I can't I just couldn't go through all the pain and hurt of breaking up. I just couldn't do that to him I know that sounds lame but it's the truth.
With regards to the question have I become more unnatractive to him, I don't know he says not, we have both put a bit of weight on since living together butI am in the process of losing the weight. I don't have an issue with the porn if our sex life wasn't suffering, I have seen the kind of porn he watches and some of it is kinky ( he knows I am willing to be adventurous and try new things), but it does disturb me as some of the women he is looking at couldn't look more different than me, I have explained how inadequate this makes me feel when he won't have sex with me but I don't know if he really understands.
My personal plan is to lose some weight, get my confidence back, and if things haven't improved then maybe with more confidence I will have the courage to put myself first regardless of the consequences.

Avemtilla · Sep 9, 2008, 04:52 PM

I didn't see anyone mention that maybe he has something like erectile dysfunction. I mean, it would explain why he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know, is a thought.

hannah_nicole · Sep 9, 2008, 07:23 PM

Telling him what's wrong isn't working, and he won't talk to you about it. Does he think there is a problem? Is he willing to try and fix things? If you are comfortable with it suggest watching porn together perhaps you just need a bit more spice in your love lives. How long has this been going on? How often do you have sex on average?

n252911 · Sep 10, 2008, 02:28 AM

Run Like Hell!!