How do I deal with a husband who claims to trust me but then finds little things that "do not make any sense" and then instantly accuses me of cheating on him? My heart is truly broken and I don't know where to turn and I don't know what to do. My husband will not go to marriage counseling with me because he says "they always take the womans side" and simply feels we do not need it. We have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have been together since we were Juniors in high school and had our first daughter at 19. We have over come so many obstacles that young couples face and handeled them tremendously well just to go through this BS now. And no, I have NEVER in our relationship been unfaithful or EVER considered cheating on my husband. I adore him and for the most part we fit each other perfectly, and if it was for these little situations we were probably never fight at all.

For awhile things were really bad. My husband would come home and hit the redial button and said there was a 3 that would show up. He would instantly conclude that this was weird and has some sort of deep meaning. Even thought he would look up my cell phone records and see that nothing was there, it was these little weird things that he freaks out about. At this time, I did what ever he wanted and let him look where ever he wanted due to my not having anything to hide. When I ask him why he doesn't trust me he says its because of my mother (who yes has a history of having many boyfriends and is on her 3rd husband). I tell him that is not fair to me and he says he knows and but he can't help it.

After awhile things started to get better he we have been doing really well up until last week. My husband called me at work (he will question me if I do not answer the phone right away or if I am away from desk and I miss his call) and we were talking when my phone beeped. I am the receptionist at my work and any calls that are left on hold too long will bounce back to my phone, causing a beep. He accused me of having my "boyfriend" on hold on the other line. During this entire time, my supervisor kept walking past my desk and listening to me on the phone. I am trying to act normal while trying to convince my husband of how my phone system works. Now he wants to go into my office when no one is there so I can prove that my phone will beep when someone else puts someone on hold too long - which is fine and I am eager to do so to prove I am right. The problem is - where does this end? What will be the next wired little thing that I have to prove? If I keep proving myself will this finally go away or am I kidding myself in thinking that? I love my husband and have every intention of spending the rest of my life with him, but is this something that can be fixed or do I deal with if forever?

I work from 9-5 and I have an hour lunch break. His sister watches our kids and I spend my lunch hour at her house with them. I live about 1 minute from my work so the latest I am home after work is literally about 5:05. He understands that I could not possibly have time to cheat yet he still does not trust me! My heart is truly broken and I love him so much that I will put up with this for as long as it takes - will that be forever or is there a way to make him trust me?

I don't know how you can reassure him but my concern would be what is he up to that he's so suspicious of you?

Exactly nothing you do to prove your innocence will change a thing. He will just think up more things that he can accuse you of to make you feel obligated to prove.
You can say that you want to go to counseling but that the counselor needs his input on what the problem is so they can get a fuller picture rather than your one sided understanding of it.

Have you tried asking him to take a serious look at what he is accusing you of and how it doesn't add up to being possible. Every time he starts accusing you cut him off with
WHEN, WHERE and HOW are you seeing this so called boy friend?

It can also be a control issue to manipulate things so you feel if you don't do things exactly the way he wants he can hold accusations over you.

I agree with Judy that often the accuser is the guilty party

I'm going to assume you really have done nothing to warrant his suspicions. If you HAVE, you are wasting our time by not telling us, we are strangers and can help you, so anonymity should allow you to be up front with us.

Anyway, I'll assume you're totally innocent.

To that end, as the quote in my signature below shouts, you can't really convince anyone of anything. You can talk and present and debate and argue, and in the end it's all just noise. He's going to keep thinking what he wants.

What you CAN do is understand. You can realize he has security issues, you can realize this is sort of a "nutso" form of loving attention. I wouldn't want it, but you're getting it, so at least look on the bright side... it represents some commitment on his part.

So knowing this, you need to take a deep breath when he starts and just let him talk. When he accuses you of factually unsupportable things or suspicions, you don't REALLY have to defend against them. And along with not defending, you can compliment him a little in return.

HIM: "You're putting me on hold to talk to your boyfriend."
YOU: "Oh you...you're so cute when you're jealous. One sec...."

HIM: "I know you and Phil have something going on, You always have...don't you dare deny it!"
YOU: "If I ever do get a boyfriend, I was thinking a rich Dominican would be nice and exotic, hehe. Phil is such an old hat..."

HIM: "I'm checking the call-waiting to see who you're talking to."
YOU: "Say 'hi' for me. Do you know where my flip flops are?"

This is tough to do without sounding like you're laughing at him, you DO need to laugh it off, but in a loving, accepting way that doesn't allow him to put you on the defensive.

HIM: "Why are you acting this way? You know I'm serious."
YOU: "Well, I love you enough to find your jealousy a little charming and complimentary. I just hear you saying 'I love you' in a weird, insecure way and don't want to stop you from expressing yourself however you want. So I support your right to be jealous."

Good luck with it. He won't be talked out of it by you. You will have to practice loving arm-distancing from him while he's doing this. And if he bothers you at work, say goodbye and hang up. He's not paying your salary.

... and
HIM: you must of stopped to see your boyfriend when you went to the grocery store. You are 10 minutes late.
YOU: oh yeah I must of magically made it through all that traffic, to the store stopped by his house and made it back home with a grocery cart full of food all within 80 minutes. Talk about a wham bam guy!

What's really bad is when they start checking your mileage before you leave and when you get back and want to know why there is an extra 4.5 miles on the car than usual.

No, NoHelp4U, she MUST NOT be tricked into defending against anything he falsely accuses. Never, never, never.

Got to, got to, got to ignore the accusation and have fun with the emotion.

HIM: "You must of stopped to see your bf when you went to the grocery store. You are 10 minutes late."
YOU: "Did you miss me? Aren't you sweet!?"

HIM: "Why did you drive 15 miles when the store is only 4 miles away?"
YOU: "Oh, I don't know anything about cars, you know that..."

[QUOTE=JBeaucaire]HIM: "I know you and Phil have something going on, You always have...don't you dare deny it!"
YOU: "If I ever do get a boyfriend, I was thinking a rich Dominican would be nice and exotic, hehe. Phil is such an old hat..."

HIM: "I'm checking the call-waiting to see who you're talking to."
YOU: "Say 'hi' for me. Do you know where my flip flops are?"


Maybe I've worked too many matrimonials or maybe I'm too straight forward but I'd skip anything even resembling verbal sparring (it's only going to come back and bite you because if he's this jealous he'll twist your words or it will anger him and he'll get worse because on some level he'll think you're making fun of him) and I would sit him down and ask him why he thinks you're cheating, tell him how unhappy he's making you. Ask him what he needs/wants you to do to reassure him.

And then if he doesn't want to go for counselling I'd go myself - something like this can destroy yourself image and self worth and will only get worse.

I'm sure you don't need to hear this but this is his problem (probably with self esteem), not yours.

Depending on what mood I am in, and more so when this all started, I did use the 'smart-' replies. And to be honest, I do think on some level he finds it funny and will usually get over whatever he is saying. Currently though, this has been going on so long now that its hard for me to joke about it anymore because it hurts so much to know that part of him really believes I am capable of this.
JB I can assure you I have never even thought of stepping outside my marriage - my mother often left my sister and myself alone to run around with men. I can honestly say I will never put my children at risk of feeling what we felt! When I explain this to my husband he appears to understand and take in everything I say, but then, when he is away from me, he gets suspicious again. He'll even flat out say that too, he says he believes every word of what I say but then when we are apart again (when I am at work) he starts back up again.
Part of the reason, I think, is we live in a smaller community where people know each other and the whole 'Keepin' up with the Jones' complex is in full swing here. My husband has is priorities very well mapped out and even though we are only 27, he has retirement accounts already set up and everything. He will not spend more on a credit card then he can pay off in a month and we drive older vehicles that are paid off. I believe he feels threatened by the environment I work in (real estate) where even though many don't have a lot of money they still act like they do and drive fancy cars and such. I try tell tell him all the time I am not impressed with material stuff (I shop the Goodwill ALL the time) but he feels that I am. Especially with men I come in contact with, which I think is ridiculous.
I think I need to tell him how proud I am of him for being such a good provider and father more often then I do. Even when I know I should I just get so upset at him for his accusations that I probably withhold the compliments more then I should... Just my current thoughts... Thanks to everyone for their insight! It really helps.

He needs to find something, a hobby anything to preoccupy his mind.
He is having obsessive thoughts that take over his reasoning.
He has made you his everything and fears the 'what if' thoughts

Good points - and, again, someone needs to speak to a professional because this is only going to get worse. If he's this insecure at 27 I can't imagine what the next 10 years will bring.

You are right, and that also brings up another good point. My husband is part of a very large, tight Italian family. We moved away from his brothers whom he was very close to in order for him to take a job. It was after the move that he became this bad and I do think it has to do with him having his entire focus on me. Fortunately his strong work personality has created a good reputation and he was approached with a job offer in a really great company. He likes the work and the people which I thought was really going to help our situation. But then we had another "mishap" spurring my original post here and prompting my question - can I get this to change? I mean - if he wasn't this bad before then there must be some hope if getting it back, right?

All you need to do is find out why he's insecure - and the word "all" is a very big word. Hopefully as he gets adjusted to being without family he will calm down - and all you can do is keep being his loving, attentive wife and he will see that nothing else is going on. Hopefully -

I would change nothing that you do and eventually he has got to calm down.

Dear Sad,

As I said, I'm assuming you are innocent, you don't need to convince me.

Also, good for you and him, right down the line, on the credit and finance and retirement. Nobody is going to look out for you except you. You got a smart man there.

Next, I need you to reconsider thinking his fear of the "resourceful men you come in contact with during the course of business" as ridiculous. It's not. It's unfounded, it's bothersome, but it's not ridiculous.

As I said, this is "weird" kind of compliment. He knows you're a catch and he caught you and wants you to stay caught. Professional counseling may help in this area, but it also may not be necessary.

I really just encourage you to resist feeling hurt or untrusted during these interactions. You DO realize this is really about him, not you, right? It sounds like it's about you since your behavior is being criticized, you feel like you're the center of it.

You're not. It's him. It's all about him. And in that, you can understand and love him, find the compliment in the obsessive stuff, add the little jokes to let him see you really, REALLY aren't rattled in any way by his accusations.

Since you're completely innocent, it puts you in a position of power, one you should use to insure your calm. If you don't, and since you can't "convince" him he's wrong, you'll quickly slide into despair. And that's so unnecessary.

Just love him. Thank him for loving you so much he gets jealous like this. "I wish I could convince you that I'm not cheating. If you weren't enough man for me, I wouldn't need to cheat, I'd just leave. I wouldn't need to sneak around. But you're not only enough man for me, you are THE man for me. I am in awe of you at times, you are so strong and so caring and you demonstrate your love for me in so many ways...I couldn't imagine giving that up for any man or anything. So, be jealous if you must, and I'll just respond with 'I love you, too.' "

Maybe you could reassure them with saying things like I am glad that we make such a good team and we don't need to keep up with the Jones. I can't imagine the way they live I would never want to be them when it all catches up to them. I wouldn't trade you/us for the world.
I have the best I would never want the rest.

You know, you are so right! Thank you so much for your time! You have truly just stated what I have often thought in fleeting little crazy thoughts that are so jumbled I have a hard time making sense of it all. If that makes sense...
My light at the end of the tunnel is an upcoming job interview in which I will be able to escape this materialistic environment if I get the job - fingers are crossed!

I have told him similar things often, I just think he takes it as part of being a man - he feels I would be happier if we could afford to buy things all the time. I tell him I am happiest when I stay home and cook for my family and then we cuddle and watch a movie - *sigh* I don't know why it has to be so hard. I tell him we could actually have a real tangible problem to be stressing over like one of our kids having cancer or a horrible car accident or just SOMETHING and here we are making ourselves miserable over something that is not even real! Its like - lets just be happy, you know? Thanks to everyone listening to me pour my guts out... It really does help to just get it out there and get another perspective.

:( I truly feel for you. What a tornado of mixed emotions to deal with. I have been through what you are going through and I want you to listen to what I'm saying. First off, if what you are saying is "TOTALLY HONEST" regarding your faithfulness and loyalty to your marriage and there is no reason for your husband to not trust you---

Having to constantly "DEFEND" yourself and your actions can break you down as a person and you will start to lose your "IDENTITY". His actions are manipulating and controlling.
It is a form of "ABUSE". You can get information on abuse online or libraries if you do not have acess to internet. You can use the excuse of checking out a book or taking your daughter to a program where they have interactive reading class they offer for children and you can get online while you are there or look at books on abuse, there's plenty.

You have got to make sure you keep your head on straight and don't start second guessing your actions. Remember "RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WRONG IS WRONG"
I know you were raised with morals and standards and you know what is right. When you are in this kind of situation, because you love him so much and want to make him love and trust you, you start to lose control of "PROPER THINKING". Everything starts to revolve around what will he think about every action you take, what's he going to think if I do this or act this way. Your everyday life you make ordinary actions and decisions and then when you do, you abruptly stop and get nervous because "Oh no, what if he thinks - whatever" So then you start to change you to please him because of his insecurities or really his own infidelity or he may be considering infidelity of some sort. Usually, if a man or woman is acting this way, it is because THEY are the one doing or thinking about whatever they are accusing you of. Been there done that. That is if the other party has NOT done ANYTHING to start their nontrusting behaviour.

This abuse can rob you of everything you are and will be. You need to get into a bible based church. What will he have to say about that? If he can keep you from going to church, you need to get out. If you can't go to church or don't have a church, check the internet or phonebooks. I don't know what faith you are but there are plenty of churches. I have found a lot of support from watching christian stations with Joyce Meyers, Joel Osteen, John Hagee... Joyce has went through abusive situations so I find I have something in common with her. I use my faith as protection against the attacks. Good luck and please don't lose yourself because of his insecurities. You should be the one checking his phone records and be on your toes. It's a horrible situation to have to deal with. But if you really think about it, anything is possible. Remember, Right is Right and Wrong is Wrong. Think about anyone in your life who you have all the respect for. Think about what they would do if someone was treating them this way and what would they think. If your husband did "ANY" of these actions to them, would it be wrong and what would they think? You have to put your situation into another perspective to keep your mind straight. Over time, you begin to accept behaviour that normally you would never.

You have answered a post from July 2008. OP has not been back to read the answers in quite some time.

Maybe time to close the thread?

Okay don't get to alarmed but I think you should check where he's been and who he's been talking to? Usually, people who cheat eliminate their guilt by suspecting their spouse of doing the very thing they are doing.
Do your own snooping. Check his car, comp, cell and who he works with. Maybe, giving him the very medicine he's been giving you will make him realize too what it feels like not to be trusted.