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    sherwooderson's Avatar
    sherwooderson Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jul 3, 2008, 11:36 AM
    Ex wants to stay friends, will telling her how I feel scare her away?
    This girl I was with recently broke up with me. Basically I took her for granted and treated her like a convenience rather than someone I truly cared about. She told me that she still liked me, even that she still LOVED me, but couldn't do it anymore since she didn't feel like she wanted to date me anymore and the feelings weren't there for a while. I was heartbroken and begged her to reconsider, that I would change and that I wanted what she wanted now. It wasn't good enough, and she basically said she couldn't take me back on my word. She also said "You don't need my permission to show me you've changed". She suggested we start over as friends and see where it went, no guarantees (but I basically took it like we were just starting slow and working it back up). One week later while we were hanging out I kissed her and she went with it and began kissing me back. I felt (and still feel) like she really does love me and maybe just needs time?

    Anyway, we hung out again and for her sake we keep it strictly platonic. But then we had a fight since I still took this arrangement as we were getting back together eventually and she said she just didn't know. We had a really good talk (I thought at the time) where we basically told each other the full truth about everything for maybe the first time. I guess I took it as "This is a great new start to something better" and she took it as "This brings closure to our relationship". A week after that she went on a date with some kid who's been hanging around our relationship acting as the best friend to her but really just waiting for me to screw up. She really liked it and started going out with him. I was of course upset and told her what she meant to me and that I love her. From her responses I got the feeling that it was a thing that time and space needed to heal. She never said straight up "No" but instead is doing a "I'm not saying it could never happen" but that she doesn't look at it like we're going to just get back together necessarily. I've been confused as well since throughout this whole thing she's been so eager to stay very close and stay friends. I know she still likes me since I heard from her best friend that she told her new boyfriend that she wanted to take it slow because she still has feelings for me. But she's really into the new kid and maybe forgetting about me?

    Anyway, maybe to speed up the process, I told her that I still liked her, still wanted to date her someday, but that I was OK with being friends and seeing where it goes. I spend a lot of time with her but it's so tough. She treats me in many of the same ways from when we first dated but always mentions how she's looking forward to plans with the new guy and stuff like that. Maybe because she thinks I'm over it too. The mixed signals are making me crazy because I know there's still a soft spot in her heart for me.

    It hurts to be with her but I can't push her out of my life. I feel like if I show her I'm there and I really care this time and if I do the things I should've done then she will see that I'm legit and she can trust me. I may have broken her heart too badly but I wish she could let me make it better. I guess it's not the worst situation between us and she definitely is keeping me in her life, but I don't want to just be a fallback if her new relationship doesn't work out. I want to tell her that I love her and want to be with her and everything I feel but I don't want to scare her off. I feel like if I wait too long she will start to see me only as a friend. I want her to choose me over the other kid, not just come back to me because she can. At the same time I feel like I can't keep a safe distance since playing it too cool is what got me here in the first place. What should I do?
    AlwaysWriting's Avatar
    AlwaysWriting Posts: 131, Reputation: 6
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jul 3, 2008, 11:52 AM
    I believe that you should tell her how you feel, and if you're scared to do that, then wait it out and tell her that you're still not comfortable with reuniting and that you need a little more time and space before making a commitment, even if it only is friendship.
    sherwooderson's Avatar
    sherwooderson Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 17, 2008, 11:41 AM
    I want her back, but should I just forget about it?
    I was in a difficult situation with a girl for over a year. She and I had a long-distance thing going and I knew it wasn't the best situation. She really really liked me, even loved me, but I kept her at arm's length for the sake of not burning out as most long-distance relationships do. I didn't feel like I was stringing her along but maybe she did feel that way. I know that she was severely hurting during this time, but I didn't know it at the time. She got eventually burned out with how I wasn't that great to her and treated her more like a friend than a girlfriend and broke it off.

    When we broke up, the way she explained it to me was like "Well, we'll see where it goes, but we should just start over as friends and see where it goes." We began to hang out as friends but I hooked up with her not long after. I know that she still likes me because she told me. But every time I would bring it up she would say "I can't do it right now. I don't know if I still feel that way," stuff like that. Finally I began to get a definitive no from her since I think I was bugging her so much about it. She moved on to another guy who she is all about now.

    She wanted to stay friends with me so bad, and I thought (and still do) that there was something still there. I lied and said I was OK for with the breakup, it was for the best, let's start over as friends. I brought up the prospect of future dating and she was receptive. I brought it up one more time and she did a "Not saying it could never happen" answer but said she didn't see it that way necessarily. I stayed her friend but it was so weird. I felt like we were still together every time we hung out. The mixed signals she was sending me made me so confused. I finally told her exactly how I felt, that I loved her still and wanted to be with her, and basically poured my heart out. She rejected me, saying that loving someone isn't the same as being in love and that she just didn't feel that way anymore.

    My heart keeps telling me that we will be back together someday but I just don't know if that's realistic. She's obviously not ready for a relationship with me and doesn't want one right now. Do I tell her I'd be OK with being friends (and sort of see where that goes but try not to get my hopes up), or do I cut her out completely, knowing that she knows how I feel and that if she really wants it she will come back to me (but again not try to get my hopes up)? If I keep her close I might end up hurting more and more, but if I just cut her out she might be gone for good. I really don't know what to do.
    plonak's Avatar
    plonak Posts: 742, Reputation: 117
    Senior Member
     
    #4

    Jul 17, 2008, 11:59 AM
    This is a tough situation, along with all the other situations on here..

    I've been in your Ex's position.. it's not fun believe me.. and I learned something VERY important that you should listen to... it makes is very hard for both parties to just be friends.. because yes, you both are probably still attracted to each other and to not be able to hug or kiss or hold each other, will become overbearing and both end up giving in to your indulgences and when it's over, you're left confused, where she knows exactly what she wants.. and that's not in a relaitionship with you..

    She closed off her emotions to protect herself.. she got tired of pinning after someone who wasn't returning the feelings.. that's the past and you can't do anything about it now.. just learn from it and move forward..

    Now here's my advice on what to do.. I say you meet her in person and express to her that you love her very much and that you're sorry how things have become and that it wasn't right that you treated her that way.. but you just can't be friends, it's too painful and it's NOT healthly for either of you.. be strong though because she will probably cry.. but tell her that you're going to give her what she wants and that is space.. then tell her that you will not contact her anymore and you're giving her time..

    Now for you, YOU need to move on.. it's not fair for you to wait around for someone that doesn't know for sure if they want to be with you or not.. you need to move on with the expectation that it's done and over with, because you will just end up torturing yourself and you will be miserably heartbroken for a long time and that's not what you want right?

    So that means 100% NO CONTACT!!
    Go out and do things for yourself and heal and meet other great girls and find new hobbies, it will be a painful journey in the beginning but you will be grateful in the end when you're healed... we all learn from our mistakes and heartbreak
    sherwooderson's Avatar
    sherwooderson Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jul 29, 2008, 09:13 AM
    My depression drove her away. What do I do now?
    I was in a 1 year relationship with a girl I love dearly. She was so, so good to me, but I was massively depressed throughout the relationship. I wasn't myself, and I hated who I had become. I kept her sort of at arm's length (treated her more like a friend who I hooked up with is a good way to describe it). I didn't want her to see how I had changed and I thought it was for the best until I got all my stuff figured out and got better. Well, as you can probably guess, she got tired of the treatment, and slowly but surely fell out of love with me. She blindsided me with a breakup and the worst part was it was just around the time that I felt I was ready to be the man she fell in love with, and finally had my life in order.

    I went through the usual begging and pleading game but she wouldn't budge. She didn't know about my depression still, and just took it as me trying desperately to do anything to get her back. She moved on pretty quickly to a new boyfriend, some guy who wanted her for a while and I know for a fact will not do anything to mess up since he's wanted her for so long. They've been dating for about a month and already say "I love you". My depression has returned, and I even though I can see what it's doing to my mind, I can't do anything to block out those thoughts. I just think, 1. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, the only girl who loved me for who I am, 2. I will never find another girl who will feel this way about me, 3. I messed up my one shot at happiness. I know these thoughts are crazy, I am only 20 years old, but I can't help them.

    I've talked to her and the relationship in its past form is definitely over. I've told her about my depression and that has softened her hard feelings a lot. She's left the door semi-open by saying stuff like who knows, never say never, etc. She once promised me we'd be together when the time was right, and I asked her about it recently. She basically said that that hasn't changed but that she's needed to take a firmer stance since I was constantly pestering her whenever she would give me a glimmer of hope. Anyway, we've agreed to be friends. I love her a lot and I don't want to let her go. It isn't exactly intolerable to see her and be her friend for now, but the waiting and hoping for another chance are two things I don't think I can deal with for a long time. Her new boyfriend is moving about an hour and a half away in a few days, so who knows how long that will last. Honestly I don't know why she threw herself so headlong into this new relationship except to forget about me. She's sometimes childish and shallow when it comes to relationships and she's the type of girl who always needs a guy for her world to revolve around. I can't really take it too, too seriously. But in the meantime, I am in a predicament.

    Do I stay strong, try to relegate her to the role of a possible girlfriend down the line while keeping my options open, while keeping her close and showing her that at the end of the day, I'm a new man and I'll be there? Or do I tell her that I can't live without her and I can't live with her as my friend and shut her out completely and try to forget about her? Right now I would miss her so much, but every time I'm with her all the memories and regrets come flooding back in. She did nothing wrong in the situation and the fact that it's all my fault definitely is exacerbating the problem. I have a gut feeling that this thing will work itself out favorably in time as long as I do the right thing. But I'm not sure what that is.

    Any thoughts? I greatly appreciate it if anyone's been in a similar situation.
    KissMe10der's Avatar
    KissMe10der Posts: 306, Reputation: 22
    Full Member
     
    #6

    Jul 29, 2008, 09:21 AM
    You need to stop talking to her for awhile.

    Can you go without talking about the past when she is there? Can you not think about wanting her back and pestering her about that? If not, its already dragging you down.. You need to avoid her awhile. You need to do what's best for you.

    Depresstion is HARD, it alters who you are and puts a damper on anything positive.

    With that, you are sick. Just think of this way a min... If you had the flu, do you go out and let everyone catch it or do you stay home and nurse yourself back to health?

    You can't have a healthy relationship, when you yourself aren't happy or mentally stable. You need to be healthy and happy for yourself before you can keep someone else happy. Otherwise, how is it fair to them?
    Sammie66's Avatar
    Sammie66 Posts: 170, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    Jul 29, 2008, 09:31 AM
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...236544-11.html

    Similar situation really. I kept pushing her away when we got close and then she upped and left when I was ready to commit.

    I cried every day for a month, and two and a half down the line am just starting to feel like the old me is coming back.

    I feel like I've lost someone who I didn't need to impress at all and we don't speak at all now. I don't know if I was depressed or not. I wasn't enjoying my life before I met her and I'm not now.

    Just leave her alone - let her rebound relationship fail. If it's meant to be, she'll be back. I think mine has gone forever though.
    luvstosmile's Avatar
    luvstosmile Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #8

    Dec 10, 2009, 08:35 PM

    That's just about the same reason why I broke up with my ex boyfriend. But since you're realized that you took her for granted, why don't you be patient and be there for her. Show her that you are truly changed and that show her that you can be the man she has always wanted. And then be the best friend waiting for the new guy to screw up... :)
    You sound like you really love her so don't let her go without a fight. All the best!!

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