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Home > Arts & Leisure > Writing   »   An original poem by me, feedback?

 
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 02:00 PM
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An original poem by me, feedback?

Now I wrote this from personal experience, and things I should have made personal experiences


Valentines Day Dream

Good morning, sweetheart. I wanted to tell you I love you.
No, you don't have to get up. Just lie there for a few.
Yeah, something was burning. I tried making you breakfast.
Hey you! Don't laugh. I really did try my best.

No, I'm done. I ran over and got us some Denny's.
I stopped and got the syrup you like; we didn't have any.
You just relax and I'll go fix you a tray.
No, don't worry about it. Today is your day.

Here you go, love. Of course I got blueberry pancakes!
They are your favorite, for goodness sakes.
And yes, that's a real rose; I picked it on the way home,
But our neighbor might be mad. That's probably him on the phone.

Yes, I'm staring. I just love when you smile,
I was thinking we could go to the park, haven't been in a while.
A picnic? Yeah, that is a great idea, baby!
Yeah, I know we haven't gone out much lately.

Oh, of course I'll go and start the bath for you.
Just let me know when you are through.
Why? Because I want to ask you something.
What? Well, a few weeks ago I bought this ring...

Sorry. I'm nervous. I blew the surprise.
And no, it wasn't a quarter machine prize!
Here, let me put it on your finger. Hold it up. Let's see.
Oh God, I love when you smile! Will you marry me?

-Delow

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Old Feb 6, 2008, 10:05 PM   #21  
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Its funny i show some nurse and co workers at work, and everyone is like "who wrote this?" I say me, they are like "nu uhn! I thought it was written by by someone!" lol im glad everyone likes it ^^
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 10:05 PM   #22  
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no my brother plays guitar REALLY well and can read music, i want to learn the keyboard but havnt gone to any classes yet. And I dont mind if you change it to fit, i figured you would need to.
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 10:08 PM   #23  
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Okay, I can see that Delow84 is searching topics on this site right now. As I also indicated to you, Wondergirl, I am home sitting and dog sitting for some folks this week. Am also totally snowed in and can't drive anywhere. So, I don't have all of the resources that I would normally have with me right now. (I think that I hear a plow right now! I hope! I hope!)

So, it will take me a couple of days to get to this. Also, right now I am expecting a phone call.
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 10:10 PM   #24  
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Okay, I can see that you beat me Delow84! But, I do need to take a phone call right now. I will respond to you sometime in the very near future.
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 10:20 PM   #25  
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sounds like a plan I appreciate everyones feedback and help very much
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Old Feb 6, 2008, 11:35 PM   #26  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Delow84
no my brother plays guitar REALLY well and can read music, i want to learn the keyboard but havnt gone to any classes yet. And I dont mind if you change it to fit, i figured you would need to.

Okay, thanks! Then we're on!
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Old Feb 7, 2008, 12:28 PM   #27  
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Wow... I'm reading the beginnings of a Platinum album!

You guys are da bomb!!

Oh, I sing...
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Old Feb 7, 2008, 12:37 PM   #28  
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Lol, man i never woulda thought people would like that poem so much, but im glad you all do. It would be really cool to hear something I wrote and created in musical form.
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Old Feb 7, 2008, 12:40 PM   #29  
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Darlin, its a beautiful portrayal of sincere, real love....

You have captured its essence - to truly describe love is hard to do... but you have.... very well.
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Old Feb 7, 2008, 12:53 PM   #30  
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It's funny I started writing in middle school cause I guess I heard somewhere that the girls love poems lol.... and I would always try and write a 'love poem' but every time i did, as sweet as they might have been, they were never what i was trying for.

imo i like this one, especially with the edits, it fits the mood and feeling I was going for. I't makes me feel proud when I will show people the poem (and they are assuming someone else wrote it) and I will watch thier faces, when i see them smile or other little facial expressions.... this poem did what i wanted it to.

yay me

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