An original poem by me, feedback?

Delow84 · #1 Feb 6, 2008, 02:00 PM

Now I wrote this from personal experience, and things I should have made personal experiences

Valentines Day Dream

Good morning, sweetheart. I wanted to tell you I love you.
No, you don't have to get up. Just lie there for a few.
Yeah, something was burning. I tried making you breakfast.
Hey you! Don't laugh. I really did try my best.

No, I'm done. I ran over and got us some Denny's.
I stopped and got the syrup you like; we didn't have any.
You just relax and I'll go fix you a tray.
No, don't worry about it. Today is your day.

Here you go, love. Of course I got blueberry pancakes!
They are your favorite, for goodness sakes.
And yes, that's a real rose; I picked it on the way home,
But our neighbor might be mad. That's probably him on the phone.

Yes, I'm staring. I just love when you smile,
I was thinking we could go to the park, haven't been in a while.
A picnic? Yeah, that is a great idea, baby!
Yeah, I know we haven't gone out much lately.

Oh, of course I'll go and start the bath for you.
Just let me know when you are through.
Why? Because I want to ask you something.
What? Well, a few weeks ago I bought this ring...

Sorry. I'm nervous. I blew the surprise.
And no, it wasn't a quarter machine prize!
Here, let me put it on your finger. Hold it up. Let's see.
Oh God, I love when you smile! Will you marry me?

-Delow

CMM_Kaleido · Feb 6, 2008, 06:40 PM

The sentiment is charming. The informal flow works, it doesn't come off as forced--the question-response format is natural and again has a nice flow. The sentimentality is nicely balanced by its genuineness; gives the scene credibility.

Is this line "--- Cue the WRONG moment to wake up " part of the poem? I was confused about how it fit.

Saw one spelling error (sorry, I'm an editor I have to) "trey" third line second stanza should be "tray."

Just read it again. It does read really well. Needs some punctuation in the last line of the first stanza, maybe after "Hey you," I keep stumbling there. And in the fourth stanza, I think the "ya" you want is "yeah."

Delow84 · Feb 6, 2008, 06:47 PM

wow thanks CMM_kaleido, appreciate you pointing out the little errors, and that line with "hey you" i felt the same just hadn't changed it.

Trey, well it was late so I kinda bounced back and forth on the spelling since I forgot how to lol.

And no, the cue the wrong moment to wake up isnt part of the poem, it was just me saying that that would be the wrong moment, but I took it out to avoid confusion.

Delow84 · Feb 6, 2008, 07:33 PM

[quote=CMM_Kaleido]The sentiment is charming. The informal flow works, it doesn't come off as forced--the question-response format is natural and again has a nice flow. The sentimentality is nicely balanced by its genuineness; gives the scene credibility.
QUOTE]

Wow thanks guys, I am glad you liked it. I had started off writing it,wanting it to be more serious about love, and Valentine's day. In the end that was what came out, something more genuine and simple. I finished it and thought to myself that I loved it, so decided to share

I love the help with the punctuation, when I write I tend to forget, and use 'IM' speak alot. But it looks great the way you wrote it out Wondergirl thanks!!!

AKaeTrue · Feb 6, 2008, 07:46 PM

yep, I love it too!!!
Good job!

Delow84 · Feb 6, 2008, 08:08 PM

Thanks! I was wondering though, should I add a final line, or a line right before the last line. To balance out the end? I like leaving the ending open, with no definate yes or no, but I keep thinking maybe one more line would make it better.

should I leave it or add a line?

Delow84 · Feb 6, 2008, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Sorry. I'm nervous. I blew the surprise.
And no, it wasn't a quarter machine prize!
Lemme put it on your finger. Hold it up. Let's see.
Oh God, I love when you smile! Will you marry me?

Wondergirl that one is perfect! wow it just fits the way that situation would go in my mind. you know the guy makes a joke to get her to smile, lifts up her hand and of course she is going to be smiling. just perfect.

Sucks I have no one to give this poem too lol.
If its ok with you ima add that line and edit my original post



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