[urim21]

I had a crush on a close friend whom I talk to daily for months and see quite regularly, but up until recently, she was seeing someone else. About three weeks ago we went together to her company holiday party as her +1. During the party we both had a bit too much to drink and we told each other we liked each other and made out. She came home with me that night and we left together the next morning as I was heading back to my school to finish up my exams. Before I got on the bus we reaffirmed what we had and we kissed goodbye. To me, it seems pretty clear that we are dating now, if not officially but at least seeing each other.

After my exams were over and I was back in town with her, we decided to meet up and go for Christmas shopping. I decided to ask her out officially. But she said no. This felt like getting blindsided by a truck. When I pushed for why, she told me she had a lot of stuff going on her life and she doesn't want a relationship with someone right now, especially her close friend (which at the time made sense as she will be leaving overseas for Grad school later on in the year for a couple of years). Knowing my history of getting hung up on girls that I like, she told me to not hang on in the hope that she will come around, and made me promise that. While I didn't like that answer, I thought at that time I have to respect it, but I told her I'm a stubborn person and I don't usually let something like this go easily.

It was yesterday, after talking to a common friend of ours, that I found out she felt what she did was just a drunken mistake and there was never any tangible feelings on her end. While admitting her fault in this she feels that there is nothing really she can do more about this. I felt devastated by this. What she told me was just supposed to be a nicer way of letting someone down. My friends told me to put her on No Contact, but to me, No Contact comes when a couple breaks up, which doesn't seem like the case here. Our friendship before this was definitely genuine, but now, it feels like there is a wall between the two of us. I don't care for dating her anymore because I see there are things that might never work out between us, but I do still want to have that close friendship connection back. Would NC where here?

[Jake2008]

I think your friend is offering you good advice. There was a friendship, then a drunken romp in the hay after a Christmas Party (how many times have you heard of company Christmas parties turning into disaster with workers' behaviour... ). A drunken romp does not a relationship make.

The gentlemanly thing to have done, would have been to bring her safely to her own home, and leave it at that. But, you took advantage of the situation, knowing she was drunk, and she was too drunk to take care of herself, or obviously, she would not have chosen to hop in the sack with you that night.

I'm not excusing her behaviour. The sex could have been with anybody if she was so drunk she allowed herself to be in such a vunerable position in the first place.

But that is all it was.

The behaviour of both you and your female friend is hardly honourable. It is strange to me that under these circumstances (a drunken romp in the sack) that you would somehow conscrue this to be the beginning of a wonderful relationship.

This is not how relationships start, that will work out. This is how relationships end, before they start.

Next time you are interested in someone, use better judgment, and be a little more discriminating in how quickly you start with sex, expecting a relationship to spring from that, instead of getting to know someone with your clothes on, sober, over a period.

Neither of you behaved with any dignity that night.

[LightCross]

Whether NC work here or not depend on how deep both of your friendship is I think,if your freindship deep enough she might realized soon enough that she needs your friendship and srtill want your company as friend, if not then yeah. But the most important would be what are you planning to do if she were to go back and offer her friendship to you?Because it is clear that you in love with her and with your current state atm obviously you can't see her as friend and she probably realizes it as well which is why she backed down from you for awhile because she knows that somehow you can't treat her as friend yet as she already discover the nature of your feling you hold for her

[urim21]

Thank you for the answer Jake. But I realized I didn't make one thing clear. We actually didn't have sex that night. While on one hand she came home with me, I do have a rule to never have sex with someone if they are not sober and know what they want. She stayed with me that night, I took care of her by making sure she was hydrated and comfortable (especially since her house would have been more than an hour away), and I didn't try to do anything more.

I should have made this more clear in the beginning. Sorry about that.

[youradvisor1]

Even if you did have sex I take issue with people passing judgement and calling others dishonorable for letting it happen. I'm sorry but did God cease to exist and name someone else as the successor. I'm not trying to turn this into a religious conversation as I'm not even religious. That being said I still believe in a higher power and not casting judgement. Besides it's not as though this guy picked up some random at a bar.

To urim21:
Personally I cannot be friends with or associated to someone when there are feelings involved from my end. When you like someone you have higher expectations of the person and tend to get hurt easily since you're more sensitive to their actions. This woman is unavailable and until you can move on I wouldn't try for a friendship. I cherish and treasure my friendships as we all do but if you weren't in love or weren't crazy about this girl you probably wouldn't be so consumed with this situation. All I'm saying is be true to yourself and seek out a mate that can give you 100% and love you equally. Best of luck! I would go NC and in time you'll move on and meet someone even more compatible with you.

[Jake2008]

Yes, that would have made a difference in my answer, thanks for clearing that up.

I would not be so quick then, to consider that something may be salvageable. She did, after all, reciprocate making out, and saying she liked you, at the party.

You did the right thing in making sure she was safe that night, and that is a credit to you.

For now, I would let a few more weeks pass. If she strikes up a conversation, consider that she is maybe only regaining her friendship with you. She may be feeling a bit weird about the whole thing, and blurry as to what actually happened.

In other words, let her make the next move, and take it from there. But be prepared for, at best, the continuance of a friendship, and nothing more. Ease back on contacting her for the time being, until she clearly contacts you.

If that happens, then take the next step, and maybe ask her out on an actual date, and go from there.

Good luck.

[answerme_tender]

I just would sit back and not do anything. If you happen to see her, smile and act like nothing happened. Don't even give her a reason to assume that your wanting more then just the friendship.

You need to get out and date!! Let her and everyone else that you both are acquainted with know that your out dating other woman, that will also take pressure off her assuming your still wanting to hook up with her.

Take care

[urim21]

Thank you all for your responses! I really do appreciate it!

I have been trying to not initiate conversations with her, waiting for her to initiate that instead. But on the other hand, how would I let her know that I want things to go back to the way it was and not the way it is? Obviously I still care for her, but logically I have accepted her decision and will try to move on, but in the mean time I still want to share things with her as before since we have always had very similar hobbies, goals, and interests. How would I let her know that, hey look, I'm not trying anything here, I'm just trying to be a friend.

[talaniman]

How you think helping a drunken friend out means there is romance in the air is beyond me. You did what any friend should do, no more no less. (making out notwithstanding since it was two drunks caught up in the moment) so forget it, and think no more on it because, you were wrong, it wasn't the beginning of something more. If you can't go back to being friends, then leave her alone.

[LightCross]

She is having her 'barrier' up against you now because she knows about your feeling so she might having misconception for any attempts you would do to befriend her, so for now you can't do that yet, and you did still have any feeling left for her and before that feeling gone you can't see her as a friend because in the corner of your heart you still see her more than friend. Befreind her when things calmed down and if she doesn't want to, then leave her

[urim21]

Thanks for all of your help guys!

I realize that there is nothing I can do to push this into the direction that I want to see (i.e. being great friends like before). So I just have to sit back, stop (as hard as it is) loving her, and wait for her to tell me we are friends again.

Wish me luck guys.