[caringnandu]

Hi, I’m a Hindu boy might be 17 years old deeply in love with a Muslim girl. In our love we both have faced and sacrificed a lot. I can say death is the only thing I didn’t faced. She faced death 2 times for me. She is so brave, but couldn’t hurt her parents. She did so many things to save me from problems, but problem is that now we are together just for 2 months. Then we might not be able to meet again. Our love is great, it’s over a year of our love. We meet every day as we study in same class but I have still not touched her once. Not even once.
I’m ready to do anything for her. Please don’t tell me it’s not our age.
And yeah we both have accepted each other. We have nothing to do with our religion. She would follow Islam and I would follow Hindu.
We both can do anything but just need help. How to convince parents? We don’t want to hurt them
Once, my parents came to know about it. They were very angry. Tried to suppress us and now believe that I forget her
But our love grows deep each day. Please suggest how to convince parents (she comes from strict family where burkha and scarf is compulsion but I like to see her in that form only so I have no problem with it.). Thanks for reading, its shows you care.

[smoothy]

Are you willing to give up your religion to be oppressed as a Muslim? Or is she willing to become a Hindu? I'm willing to be YOU are the one expected to change and not her.

THere are so many things that can go wrong here that will be bad for you its hard to know where to start.

And you WILL be upseting parents... and parents are very important...

[caringnandu]

Yeah I know parents would get upset please suggest some way..
When its about religion nor do I want her to change or neither does she want me to change.
As I said we both accepted each other might be its her innocence in scarf that made me love with her.and its" the hindu boy" she says with pride abot me... So no change of religion... pls suggest something different... and thanks for advice.

[smoothy]

Oh.. just so you didn't misunderstand me... in every case I've ever heard of between a Muslim and any other faith, the Muslim never changes and always at some point pressures the other person to change. That really bothers me deeply. As long as YOU won't change or be expected to chage ever... then that's cool.

As far as convincing parents? I don't think that's going to happen.. they have enough life experience to see the problems.. and I just mentioned only one of them.

That is going to be the MAJOR issue with HER family... I'm sure yours will see it in much the same way knowing YOU are going to be pressured into doing it... eventually.

Yeah its easy to say that now... but the reality is its still going to happen despite your bet intentions.. and sometimes a dream is only a dream. Reality has a way of getting in the way of dreams every day.

She might really be a nice as you say... or as the saying goes... beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing (for the sake of discussion I will assume she IS really as nice as you say). You may live in the same country... but you both are from very different cultures. And that will cause friction despite your best intentions.

I think this is part of the objections from both sets of parents.

They have something you both lack at this point... life experience. And when we are younger we have a different perspective of life because we lack it... eventually of course we quickly learn things are rarely ever what we expected.. and we usually have to do things we aren't happy about.

That may seem like I'm rambling on and about different things... but what I am meaning is its all of these things that shape how your parents feel about things. And to change their minds you would have to change the reality of all these things.

That will be a very difficult at best and maybe even impossible to do. And your parents are very important part of your life... even as an adult. And if either set of parents doesn't like either or you it will forever cause problems... and trust me... I speak as someone who has dealt with animosity between my spouse and my family for over 20 years.(whos fault doesn't matter).. and it does wear on you.

In just a few words... there is no easy way to convince them. Its going to be very difficult and will likely fail. But you won't know unless you try.

(I base this on several Indian families I've known as well as a couple Muslims Families I've known)

[caringnandu]

Oh..just so you didn't misunderstand me....in every case I've ever heard of between a Muslim and any other faith, the Muslim never changes and always at some point pressures the other person to change. That really bothers me deeply. As long as YOU won't change or be expected to chage ever...then thats cool.

As far as convincing parents? I don't think that's going to happen..they have enough life experience to see the problems..and I just mentioned only one of them.

That is going to be the MAJOR issue with HER family...I'm sure yours will see it in much the same way knowing YOU are going to be pressured into doing it...eventually.

Yeah its easy to say that now....but the reality is its still going to happen despite your bet intentions..and sometimes a dream is only a dream. Reality has a way of getting in the way of dreams every day.

She might really be a nice as you say....or as the saying goes...beware of the wolf in sheep's clothing (for the sake of discussion I will assume she IS really as nice as you say). You may live in the same country...but you both are from very different cultures. And that will cause friction despite your best intentions.

I think this is part of the objections from both sets of parents.

They have something you both lack at this point....life experience. And when we are younger we have a different perspective of life because we lack it....eventually of course we quickly learn things are rarely ever what we expected..and we usually have to do things we aren't happy about.

That may seem like I'm rambling on and about different things...but what I am meaning is its all of these things that shape how your parents feel about things. And to change their minds you would have to change the reality of all these things.

That will be a very difficult at best and maybe even impossible to do. And your parents are very important part of your life...even as an adult. And if either set of parents doesn't like either or you it will forever cause problems........and trust me...I speak as someone who has dealt with animosity between my spouse and my family for over 20 years.(whos fault doesn't matter)..and it does wear on you.

In just a few words....there is no easy way to convince them. Its going to be very difficult and will likely fail. But you won't know unless you try.

(I base this on several Indian families I've known as well as a couple Muslims Families I've known)

Thanks for advice... I know it would bore you still I want to know best ways to win over my dreams...
You are expert... might get a way for this... pls.

[smoothy]

thanks for advice...i know it would bore u still i want to know best ways to win over my dreams......
U r expert......might get a way for this .......pls.

In my experience.. the best way to win your dreams.. is to find a girl whose parents like you, and your family , and that you and your family likes them.

If you don't... this is going to forever limit your happiness in the future. And from my experience... unless you have seriously considered and dated enough women... the first girl you think is so good and so perfect, you will find is very much NOT what you thought she was.

And until you have dated enough.. you will not know how good the right woman really can be.

The first person everyone has dated at the time seemed like the perfect partner for life... as time goes on and we date others, we understand how wrong we were in the beginning.

And when you do eventually find the right person... there won't be all these problems.

I am so very glad I didn't marry the first girl I dated seriously... I would never have known how good it could be if that was all I had to base it on.

[caringnandu]

In my experience..the best way to win your dreams..is to find a girl whose parents like you, and your family , and that you and your family likes them.

If you don't...this is going to forever limit your happiness in the future. And from my experience....unless you have seriously considered and dated enough women...the first girl you think is so good and so perfect, you will find is very much NOT what you thought she was.

And until you have dated enough..you will not know how good the right woman really can be.

The first person everyone has dated at the time seemed like the perfect partner for life...as time goes on and we date others, we understand how wrong we were in the beginning.

And when you do eventually find the right person....there won't be all these problems.

I am so very glad I didn't marry the first girl I dated seriously...I would never have known how good it could be if that was all I had to base it on.

Right... but its not my first love... May before or5th... so think she is the best... whosoever sees her... first of all congrats me and says that I'm too lucky to have this princess.

[smoothy]

right ...but its not my first love.... May b 4 or5th .....so think she is the best...whosoever sees her...first of all congrats me and says that i m too lucky to have this princess.

I have to ask.. how old are you know... How long did you know these other girls? Unless you are in your LATE 20's or older... those were infatuations... not loves. Infatuations don't count.. real long term loves are way different.

There is a huge difference between lust and love... what you have been feeling is lust... driven by hormones and not your mind... and the basic fact you said you would "do anything" tells me you are thinking with the little head (in your pants) and not the big head (on your shoulders)... and that will ALWAYS get you in trouble. And if you are thinking you will "do anything" tells me you are looking past the important stuff to see the unimportant stuff... beauty fades... if there isn't true compatibility and understanding there... you will find yourself in a bad place in a few years.

Lust fades over a year to three years... real love doesn't even start to grow until then, and then only if there is something real there. Otherwise you are nothing by roommates that share a place with a piece of paper that says you are married..


If there was real love you wouldn't feel a need to "do anything for her" . Those words carry a much deeper meaning that what they appear.

[caringnandu]

No words for you... thogh thanks... How can I know that I'm in love

[smoothy]

No words for you......thogh thanks... How can i know that i m in love

When you aren't in a huge rush to be with them... when you don't feel a need to prove anything for them. Its actually a very difficult thing to describe.

A lot depends on how long you have been together... if you haven't been together for very long.. its lust not love.

If you have been together for 3 years... and you feel the same way.. then it is most likely love... Lust is strong very quickly... but it slowly fades as you get to know each other... it takes over a year to do that. When you have been together that initial strong urge to be together will fade... as you get into year two and year three when you really get to know each other you will be liking each other for your personality.

During lust.. you are always on your best behavior trying to do things you each believe other would like... this is not natural... and you can't do it forever... by year 2 and three you behave how you naturally are... without pretending to please the other... you both get to know how the other person really is... this is important because THAT is the person you will be living with... not the person you first met that was always pretending to be on their best behavior.

If you both are meant for each other... when you are at that point and you see how each other really is like... you will love them for being that way. You won't want to "do anything" because being yourself would be enough. And when you see how she really is... you will see what makes her angry, and what she enjoys... but you need several years to see each other in this way. THEN and only then... if you are really that comfortable with each other when romantic thoughts AREN'T in your minds... meaning you enjoy being together without having to kiss or need to have sex. Because that is such a small part of being married... MOST of your lives you will not be doing romantic things... routine and boring things... and its important you are happy with that part MORE.

[Silver Lining]

I can't help, I HAVE to say this,, you are too young,, is this love or infatuation, u'l not know now,, your feelings for her is understandable,, and I appreciate that you have not made a physical move on her yet,, that's a good sign,, but at this age,, when you have the least responsibilities, you get confused with love and infatuation.
U are under your parent's roof and as long as you are their responsibility, you have no option but to listen to them.
M sure you will not like this, but I suggest you wait till your 21, finish your education, get a job and only then take your relation further. If she can wait for you until then, well and good, but, if her parents force her to marry someone else, all you can do is request them not to,, unless you have a VERY good job, you are helpless,,

Think about it, u marry her while you haven't finished your studies, and your jobless, what will you do? How will you take care of her? Where will you live?

Once your on your own feet, there is no force on this earth that can oppose u,, u will be responsible and will be able to face your parents and hers too,,

Take life seriously,, u asked for my help right? Take me to be your internet-akka/didi/sis and trust me,, I will help you in every way possible,,

in every case I've ever heard of between a Muslim and any other faith, the Muslim never changes and always at some point pressures the other person to change.

Absolutely right,,

[caringnandu]

Something more dangerous
... she was not talking to me since some days,so I directly went to ask her reason
... and got to know that somebody told about our relations to her mom, though one of mutual friends of ours handled the situation... bt now one would be screwed up... I hope its not her.
Thanks silver did! Yeah you are right... Bt the thing I can't get her out of mind...
By the way with many problems
And a very little studies I scored nearly 92 % in 12 science

[smoothy]

You will get over her... everyone does... then you will find the next one is even better.

[Silver Lining]

If in future you face a situation where you need to face her parents or yours,, be confident,, be brave, tell them you want to live your whole life with her and for that your struggling now, struggling to be a good in studies so that you have a bright future with her,,
I know what feelings you have in your age,, only if your serious about her, continue the relation,, else, let go,, usually guys never get serious until they are 25,, my heart was broken when I was 20, by a 24 year old guy,, I know how badly it hurts,, hence the suggestion,,

You will get over her...everyone does...then you will find the next one is even better.

Never support break-ups as if it's a game,,

[smoothy]

never support break-ups as if its a game,,,

Why not... its EXACTLY what many people need to hear, and needs someone to tell them... mostly people who lack the life experience to see when they are in a situation that isn't a good one. And most people are like that when they are younger.

And incidentally... how old are you? How many relationships have you had in your life so far?

I'm 51... I didn't get married at 18... I've dated a lot of women from a lot of different countries and lived on two continents as an adult... I've seen too many people stay with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and end up divorced shortly after, I've even been one of those people who stuck with someone far longer than I should have.

I've got plenty of reason to advise someone to walk away from a relationship. And I have no fear of doing so. And the OP needs to walk away from this one. For a number of reasons, not just one or two. He can do better... and when he does... his life will be much better then it can be with this one.

I've had several people that I ran into after many years tell me they were sorry they didn't listen to me when I gave them advice to walk away from someone... usually after they ended up divorcing them after getting married... and for the very same reason I warned them about.

One woman in particular I ran into 20 years after I last saw her... told me exactly that... I told her.. she went and got married anyway... and the next few years were pure hell for her before she walked away... but not before a child was involved. About 15 years after and remarried... and she thanked the advice I gave her many years earlier because she evaluated everyone she dated before she finally met the right guy.

People that listen might never now how bad it could have gotten... but the ones who don't, usually learn the hard way I was right. But not before wasting years they will never get back.

WHen I was very young long before most people even thought of getting a home computer (back when they were still worthless toys) and even longer before most people even heard of the internet.. I wish someone had given my the advice to walkk away from a relationship. I came about my extensive knowledge on the topic the hard way... I was through it.

You might think it's a game... but don't accuse ME of treating it like one.

[caringnandu]

Siver and smoothy please stop fighting... today her parents came to school.. bt as she didn't talk I don't know what is going to happen...
I think I need to tell you wholething
.. in class I might be the ugly guy...
But a very straight,honest ,simple and comedian.
As I told I have enough exeperiences... In class whether my friends or orthodox girls all take advice from me.. there are some queens in our class who don't talk to anybody... but they are also open to me.
And my love.. what to tell she is the moat beautiful,friendly talktiveand simple... even my best friends had crush on her..
It all started nov.2011 when I was in deep attraction with a girl named a*. I took help of my friend named c2 who was also muslim but my bestfrnd... she helped me a lot to talk to a*. But then I came to know that c2 loved me.. but to find me happy she scarificed and helped me for a*.
In dec my diary was caught by parents.they misunderstood and complained in schhool that I and c2 were in relation.. all problems rained on me... when c2 came to knew this she was so feared that she fell unconscious and nearly was the case of coma. Thanks god she was saved that day. She is emotionaly very sensitive. I had to handel her but can't talk to her.. she came told me that if I didn't talk to her,she would again go to coma. We laughed together.. this the time we came closer.. I was just amazed how could shs do this much for me ?
And my heart went on her. But she still forced me to propose a*.
She talked to a* and next day told me that a* was also in love with me... I told her my emotions.
And we were together.
Had to face many problems but she stood with me...
Hey SMOOTHY One of my very close friend advised me to move on. My friend told me that though I was in love with her I should move on bcoz further in life we might not be e allowed to live together,and she would have to face problems in life. She told me its better to have one in life than having one very far...
I thought she was right so I just told c2 to break up.. She was in tears... though I became tough..
Told her that I was in love with a* and was playing a GAME WITH HER. I'm a boy who never ever thought to play game. I hate all this.. But had to do so.
She didn't trust my stories... so I stop talking to her for a weeek in feb. 2012
And I was horrified... when my best friend slaped her in class. As it wss recess mostly all were out. She was committing suicide.
Half her hand was cut by her.
My friend snatched the blade and somehow contolled the BLOOD.
I WAS JUST SHOCKED...
Soon I told her truth that how much I love her.. After that many ups-downs bt we never fight . Always she forgives my mischives.
... today its again , problem came... but this time on her side... I don't know what should I do?
Silver how could I stand beside her when she doesn't talk to me.
And smoothy please tell me something I cant... leave her..

After the matter of her try cmmiting suicide... I told her wholething and asked for SORRY.
She just smiled and told me 'no need of sorry... and thanks for loving me'... she was so happy... she smiling wholeday... I cursed myself'' how could she act so nicely after all this... and how could.I do such a cheap thing to this girl''

[smoothy]

If she is trying to commit suicide when you really don't have a real relationship... she needs to see a doctor... Really... there is something going on inside her you or I don't know, its very wrong and needs someone trained in psychology to help her.

If you ever could live together is a matter of your local culture... and I do believe in some places your lives could be threatened.. while other places nobody would care... you have to consider what your local culture is willing to accept.

I speak in terms that do not consider religion... I would give this same advice to anyone. The religious problems involved here are significant and makes the problems worse.

I also know how strong you think first loves are... it takes time and experience to see they really aren't. From your teens to your early 20's its your hormones driving you more than your brain. That's why its so easy to make mistakes and bad choices. In many cultures its taught from a very young age to show hospitality to strangers... but when you are no longer a stranger.. that sweet disposition can turn into a very ugly one in private.

I know it sounds easy for me to say you will forget her if you do move on to someone where you don't have these problems with family. But understand I am speaking as someone who has done this before.many times in fact. You do get over it soon enough... and it does hurt at the time... but it does build character. If you understand what that means... it helps you become a more mature adult. Many times we have to make choices we don't want to make, but that we have to make because its better to do it... even if they are not pleasant.

Having said that consider this... imagine her getting like this every time you come home late from work? Or if she sees you talking to another woman at work she doesn't know? And she threatens to kill herself or something else... being sensitive ENOUGH emotionally can be a good thing.. but like everything being too much of it is a very bad thing.

And above all... more than you might imagine now... if you do something that defies one or both of your parents... it will make life much less enjoyable... and maybe even very much worse. And trust me.. as a man who's wife shows little respect towards my family... it has negatively effected how happy I can be. These things WILL become important when the initial lust wears off... and things become routine... and without the support of both families.. you won't be nearly as happy as you think you will be.

And I myself have stayed in several relationships long after I should have walked away... I have seen many others who have as well. That's why I WILL tell someone to walk away if something isn't right. There are almost 7 billion people on earth... roughly half of them are women... and no two are alike. Nobody should have to fight to make something work that has many problems. If I can prevent someone else from making the same mistakes I made in my youth... I feel I have helped someone.

[talaniman]

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to smoothy again

Seems you have given your young heart to one that is not that emotionally strong or healthy. It's a tough situation for young people who have little or no control over their situation or wishes, and must obey the boundaries of your parents.

Obey the boundaries of your parents and temper the love you profess with common sense and the reality of your situation. Stop letting guilt or helplessness or pity be mistaken for concern and make you make bad choices, like lying.

I mean is it really a healthy thing to do this public suicide stuff over a failed young love? She cries for attention from you and goes to extreme to get it. Sorry guy, you cannot help her, hopefully her parents can. Let them, its not your problem, nor should it be.

You are WAY over your head here.

[Silver Lining]

Chandu, u should have mentioned this before,,

Seriously, take the gal to a psych,, this is not love, this is insane,, like Talaniman said, she is not emotionally strong.

Since there is so much emotional involvement (I mean suicidal) from her part, it's better you talk to her parents directly,, act matured,, tell them the situation,, let them know how their daughter is reacting to break-up,,

If today she is trying suicide for break-up, tomorrow she might try a different stunt to get what she wants...

I don support flirting/break-ups/affairs but certain relations are not meant to be forever,, this is one of them,,

True love happens just once in your life,, the rest are just lessons,, but don take every relation to be a lesson, if you do,, u will never learn,,

[Silver Lining]

Why not...its EXACTLY what many people need to hear, and needs someone to tell them...mostly people who lack the life experience to see when they are in a situation that isn't a good one. And most people are like that when they are younger.

And incidently...how old are you? How many relationships have you had in your life so far?

I'm 51....I didn't get married at 18...I've dated a lot of women from a lot of different countries and lived on two continents as an adult...I've seen too many people stay with the wrong people for the wrong reasons and end up divorced shortly after, I've even been one of those people who stuck with someone far longer than I should have.

I've got plenty of reason to advise someone to walk away from a relationship. And I have no fear of doing so. And the OP needs to walk away from this one. For a number of reasons, not just one or two. He can do better....and when he does...his life will be much better then it can be with this one.

I've had several people that I ran into after many years tell me they were sorry they didn't listen to me when I gave them advice to walk away from someone....usually after they ended up divorcing them after getting married....and for the very same reason I warned them about.

One woman in particular I ran into 20 years after I last saw her....told me exactly that.....I told her..she went and got married anyway....and the next few years were pure hell for her before she walked away....but not before a child was involved. About 15 years after and remarried...and she thanked the advice I gave her many years earlier because she evaluated everyone she dated before she finally met the right guy.

People that listen might never now how bad it could have gotten....but the ones who don't, usually learn the hard way I was right. But not before wasting years they will never get back.

WHen I was very young long before most people even thought of getting a home computer (back when they were still worthless toys) and even longer before most people even heard of the internet..I wish someone had given my the advice to walkk away from a relationship. I came about my extensive knowledge on the topic the hard way.....I was through it.

You might think its a game.....but don't accuse ME of treating it like one.

I am 29 and I have had my share of relationships too,, I might not have as many experiences as you have,, but I have been hurt by a few who believed that dating is a game,,

I don say Chandu needs to continue his relations,, he mentioned he is willing to do anything for his gal,, hence I gave him his support,, Also note, he is an Indian and I know wow it works around here,, I am one too,,

U don need to evaluate every person before you marry,, all you need is to find the right person at the right time,, and trust the one you love,,

For many guys here, Love is a game,, (even girls),, they don realise how it hurts the other when they break-up,, m not talking in support of Chandu here,, m talking in general,, because I was on the receiving (hurt) end of the so called GAME...