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We are the groom's parents and are feeling badly because the bride has chosen a wedding date that is just previous to Christmas which is the absolute busiest time at our family owned retail store in Canada. That time of the year, we both work around 70-80 hours per week and our son manages one dept. in our store, our daughter manages the office and all bookwork and a friend of our son looks after another area so if we were all to attend the wedding, that would mean 5 key full-time staff gone. We would only have left one full time staff and three part-time staff who could not run the store on their own for more than a couple of days. We specialize in many seasonal gifts for Christmas and cater too much corporate trade so the Christmas season is what has given us the "gravy" that has enabled our business to continue to operate for 21 years.

To top it off the wedding is not in our town because if that were the case, we could at least take the one day off work for the wedding and have enough staff to run the store for that one day. However the wedding is thousands of miles away in Grenada where the bride's parents have now moved and to attend the one wedding day there would entail 2 days in airports on both the way down and on the way back so 5 days away from the store to spend one day in Grenada. Our son is very close to us and we feel heartbroken that we cannot attend his wedding, but his bride-to-be has chosen the date based on the anniversary of their first date, and is not about to change her mind. We are also afraid that she will be very disappointed if friends decide at the last minute they can't afford the time and the money to make the trip as many friends are either still students or new to the work force, and they may end up with just her parents and a small handful of guests.

[Silver Lining]

M not an expert but I suggest you talk to your would be DIL. She needs to know what problems you are facing and also that christmas being the biggest festival, not many of her frens will make it and she'l end up disappointed. In all the excitement of getting married, she has forgotten about others who are really important, specially to her would be hubby, your son. How can a son get married without his parents and other members of the family at his side? She has to understand it. Dates can be changed, but relationships cannot be ignored.
I am an Indian. Here, we don get married without the eldest member of the family and our parents. Marriage is the point where a new life begins and we believe that if our elders are here to bless us, we will lead a long and happy married life.

[artlady]

Sadly,if she is unwilling to rethink this date,I see that you have no recourse but to not attend.
Perhaps one of the parents could attend.

If it were me,I would be more concerned with having my entire family attend than some date that in the grand scheme of things is not as important as family.

They say it always has to be all about the Bride on her day but I disagree.The whole point of a wedding is to share your joy and I think she is also shortchanging her husband to be.

He should have some say in this as well.It is his wedding day also.

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Silver Lining - So true that "dates can be changed but relationships cannot be ignored." Personally, I asked my husband why we picked the date we had for our wedding in 1982 and he replied that it was the "next available date" that the priest had to do a wedding, so we said, Done!" so obviously we were never so set on one particular date as this girl is. She also knows full well how extremely busy we are because she has lived in our city since 2005 and also was employed at our store during the busy season while she completed university. This may sound like she is devious but I am almost wondering if she has done it sort of on purpose to see if our son will side with her or his family...I think she is definitely thinking "it is all about her."

And "artlady" I so agree that she is shortchanging our son and he needs to have more say in this as well. She may have "guilt" reasons for wanting to have her wedding with her family...as she has said many times how our family is so much closer than her family. We are the ones who have employed both of them, let them live in a home we owned while they both completed university, then loaned them money to buy a house, and constantly babysit their 22 month old son (and soon to start looking after their 3 month old daughter) when we are not at our business. We feel blessed that we are here to help, and so blessed that we get to spend as much time as we want with our grandchildren, and we do not feel that she "owes" it to us to think of our feelings; but maybe somewhat that we are not getting respect. We are more concerned that our son will rightly feel very sad when we are not there to celebrate in his joy.

And our hands are truly tied about getting away then as we both work very hands on from 8am to often midnight at our business for the four weeks before Chistmas...with sales of $10 to $16 thousand every day. This may sound like we are "rolling in dough" and could afford to hire replacements for ourselves but that is not the case, as we have over half a million in bank loans to pay off so cannot afford to leave during our "harvest time." Money we make now has to stretch us out over our "dry periods."

[redhed35]

This is not quite a compromise,but if one of you can attend the wedding,and after the honey moon,have a family bash in his town... maybe a blessing of the rings? Some semi formal ceremony perhaps?

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I look after the construction of 4000 seasonal gift trays in the 4 weeks prior to Christmas, going great guns with all manner of corporate orders to clients and staff so I oversee all that it entails. My husband is super busy with ordering from over 150 suppliers and he is the main receiving person, and keeping everything fully stocked so everyone's season is "full of Merry!" We run a 7000 square foot natural food store, basically family run (our son to be married is the Supplements manager, our daughter is the Office Manager - all invoicing, purchase orders, accounting, and website, etc) with a handful of staff for tills, stocking shelves and tray manufacturing. So we will already be covering our son's Supplement area while he is away getting married (all the ordering and hiring staff to cover his shifts) as well as me taking over all our daughter's jobs in the office so that she can attend the wedding.

We asked them about having a social in our city a couple of weeks after which would be about New Year's Eve, and our future Daughter-in-law replied, "That she would never want a "winter wedding!" I thought that was strange because she will nearly always be celebrating her anniversary in the middle of a Canadian winter unless she can afford to go south every December 12th!! And it wouldn't even be her actual wedding anyway but a social that close family and friends could attend.

[Silver Lining]

this is not quite a compromise,but if one of you can attend the wedding,and after the honey moon,have a family bash in his town....maybe a blessing of the rings? some semi formal ceremony perhaps?

Hmmm,, redhead,, 1 parent attending their son's wedding? U mus be kidding,, u have any idea how parents feel.. from the moment baby is conceived, we dream about the babyz future, we plan to give our child a happy life and would always like to be a part of it. Its not a single parent dream. The 1st thing we want to c is our child having a happy life and not hear about it from someone else.
As I said, dates can be changed. The bride needs to know how important parents are. Wouldn't she change the date if her parents would fail to come? Minez a love marriage. We didn't choose a date based on anniversary. We chose a date which was convenient for our parents and siblings.
His parents have done a lot for her. At least, she has to think about their unconditional love to her and her child and all the sacrifices they have made.

Its easy to say "have a bash later",, "semi formal ceremony",, etc,, but is it the same as attending your sonz wedding?

[Alty]

I don't see a way around this. Either you find someone to mind the store and you all attend, or you don't attend because of your business.

I guess it's a matter of what's more important, your son or your business.

I'm sure someone could fill in for you for 5 days. Start looking now, then you can all go.

This is a once in a life time event, the marriage of your son. There is never a date that suits everyone, that's just the way it is.

Time to decide.

[Wondergirl]

I'm sure someone could fill in for you for 5 days. Start looking now, then you can all go.

Unfortunately, there will have to be FIVE someone's found. That's the heart and backbone of the business. And all this training will happen when?

I got married two days after college graduation only because my family was in town for that (they lived nearly 700 miles away and also could not get away just any old time) and my future in-laws all lived near the college. Bridezillas hadn't been invented yet back then.

[redhed35]

hmmm,,, redhead,,, 1 parent attending their son's wedding? u mus b kidding,,, u have any idea how parents feel...? from the moment baby is conceived, we dream abt the babyz future, we plan to give our child a happy life and wud always like to b a part of it. its not a single parent dream. the 1st thing we want to c is our child having a happy life and not hear abt it from someone else.
as i said, dates can b changed. the bride needs to know how important parents are. wouldn't she change the date if her parents would fail to come? minez a love marriage. we didn choose a date based on anniversary. we chose a date which was convenient for our parents n siblings.
his parents have done a lot for her. at least, she has to think abt their unconditional love to her and her child and all the sacrifices they have made.

its easy to say "have a bash later",,,"semi formal ceremony",,, etc,,, but is it the same as attending ur sonz wedding?

As a parent yes,I would know how they felt.. the bride is basing the date on the first date she met the groom... she is not budging on that.. the grooms family have a business to run,and can't all leave for 5 days!

It was a suggestion!

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Altenweg said - "I guess it's a matter of what's more important, your son or your business.

I'm sure someone could fill in for you for 5 days. Start looking now, then you can all go."

YIKES! It is just this thinking that makes me shudder... are people actually going to be thinking we choose our business over our son?! So, Altenweg, we are to start training several people now to take over for just those 5 days in December 2010 in the midst of our crazy retail times at Christmas when we get 600 plus people daily? And how much exactly would that cost us to train people now and then keep them on the payroll doing basically nothing until they have to try to do all that we do to satisfy our customers? Obviously you know little about the dynamics of a small family run business! Not to mention that four out of those five days will be spent in airports on 3 to 4 flights to get there and back!

Wondergirl knows (but then she cites that she is a "Jobs and Parenting Expert" not a "Pet Expert."), "Unfortunately there will have to be FIVE someones found. That's the heart and backbone of the business. And all this training will happen when?" In five years, when we have paid off more loans, and can think about semi-retirement, then we can budget training a manager... he may very well be the groom-to-be himself and/or his two siblings. Family businesses are often passed on to children, and it is the family that is the "heart and backbone of the business" as Wondergirl says.

One year I was very ill at Christmas and still showed up every day in December before Christmas because I had to... that's just the way things are when you run a small family business and it is your "harvest time." How can you tell my husband and I both grew up on farms? You do what you have to do. All our children know that and they have all worked since very young helping in any way they could, and the eldest, the groom, knows that better than anyone. We are somewhat puzzled why he is not using his voice. He is a very giving young man and works very hard full time at his job, plus is an excellent father, makes nearly all the meals at his house, does the laundry and more. This wedding date issue is only one of several concerns we have regarding our son's desire to give so much without speaking up. Puzzling as he has always been confident and a leader. I guess some guys will do anything for their girl. But it does give me concerns about their future when one person gives so much. What will happen if he asks for changes, as he surely must, at some point?

All of my family and my husband's family, and our other son and daughter all concur, "What are the bride and groom thinking?" They have all said as we are... that any month other than our busiest would have been manageable.

[Silver Lining]

I apologize for the "stupid" comment but I still stand by what I say about the son being ungrateful, might it be a few lines.
the best day of his life and he doesn't mind if his family is not there to share his happiness. Is that particular date more important than his parents? Doesn't he have a say at this wedding?
we call our spouse our "better half" because it is they who tell us when we are wrong, it is they who hold us when we cry, share feelings, value our decisions etc. a couple has to listen to each-other's opinion and value it. I feel it is the son who has to convenience his bride to change the date. There is nothing else the parent's can do if they both have to attend the wedding.

[Alty]

Altenweg said - "I guess it's a matter of what's more important, your son or your business.

I'm sure someone could fill in for you for 5 days. Start looking now, then you can all go."

YIKES! It is just this thinking that makes me shudder...are people actually going to be thinking we choose our business over our son?!!! So, Altenweg, we are to start training several people now to take over for just those 5 days in December 2010 in the midst of our crazy retail times at Christmas when we get 600 plus people daily? And how much exactly would that cost us to train people now and then keep them on the payroll doing basically nothing until they have to try to do all that we do to satisfy our customers? Obviously you know little about the dynamics of a small family run business! Not to mention that four out of those five days will be spent in airports on 3 to 4 flights to get there and back!

Wondergirl knows (but then she cites that she is a "Jobs and Parenting Expert" not a "Pet Expert."), "Unfortunately there will have to be FIVE someones found. That's the heart and backbone of the business. And all this training will happen when?" In five years, when we have paid off more loans, and can think about semi-retirement, then we can budget training a manager...he may very well be the groom-to-be himself and/or his two siblings. Family businesses are often passed on to children, and it is the family that is the "heart and backbone of the business" as Wondergirl says.

One year I was very ill at Christmas and still showed up every day in December before Christmas because I had to...that's just the way things are when you run a small family business and it is your "harvest time." How can you tell my husband and I both grew up on farms?! You do what you have to do. All our children know that and they have all worked since very young helping in any way they could, and the eldest, the groom, knows that better than anyone. We are somewhat puzzled why he is not using his voice. He is a very giving young man and works very hard full time at his job, plus is an excellent father, makes nearly all the meals at his house, does the laundry and more. This wedding date issue is only one of several concerns we have regarding our son's desire to give so much without speaking up. Puzzling as he has always been confident and a leader. I guess some guys will do anything for their girl. But it does give me concerns about their future when one person gives so much. What will happen if he asks for changes, as he surely must, at some point?

All of my family and my husband's family, and our other son and daughter all concur, "What are the bride and groom thinking?" They have all said as we are...that any month other than our busiest would have been manageable.

It was a suggestion. You can take it or leave it. That's why it's called advice and opinion.

If I had my own business then yes, I would find someone to take over so I could attend my child's wedding.

You seem to be asking them to schedule their lives around you. That's not fair. They have a date set, they can't make everyone happy, that's not possible. If they have more then 20 people invited then I guarantee that at least 19 of them will not be happy about something, be it the date, location, theme, you name it.

You are the parents of the groom. I'm sure that you could make some arrangements if you tried hard enough. I know I'd do my best to be there, but that's me.

I'm not saying, nor am I implying, that you don't love your son. I'm just saying that sacrifices have to be made sometimes. You want it be his sacrifice, not yours.

That's my opinion. You can take it, you can leave it, but you can't change it, because it's mine.

Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say that temps could be hired, we are always a cell phone away for emergencies and to be honest if a business can not run without the owners being there for a few days, the owners have done a bad job, since what would happen if one had a major accident and family had to be at the hospital with them.

In the end, it is a choice that shows what is more important, money and business or family.
This choice will rule and judge your relationship with your child for the rest of their life.

Consider it closely

[Wondergirl]

I love Alty and FrChuck to pieces, but this time I have to take the asker's side. The wedding is during the absolutely worst time for the groom's family. I'm surprised the groom has agreed to this date (after all, it's his wedding too), knowing how things are for his family's business during this time. Like someone else said, the couple has other important dating/relationship "anniversaries" that could be possible wedding dates. If the wedding is more than a year away, certainly there is plenty of time to make other arrangements and decisions.

Most prospective brides and grooms look at the entire picture for both families and adapt their celebrations accordingly. It's the families that are joining together that is important (and both should be at the wedding), not everyone making every effort to satisfy the bride's overweening demands.

I'm wondering if the bride is completely (or at all?) aware of the potential problem with the wedding date she has chosen. Men don't get into the planning as much as they should, and the groom may not have even considered the date problem for his family or has just shrugged it off. Perhaps the bride needs to be filled in regarding the wedding date and how it impacts on her beloved's family business.

[Alty]

WG, I do see your point. I really do.

Having said that, and knowing how busy the OP is with her business, I have only one question. Is there any time of the year that is good for the OP? Can they ever fit this wedding into their busy schedule?

What if they have a few days that would be perfect for them, but wouldn't work for anyone else?

See where I'm going?

You can't please everyone. Those who try usually end up pulling out their hair. I remember all too well when I got married, the numerous people protesting the date we had chosen. We changed it, and the other half didn't like it. We changed it again, nope, everyone still wasn't on board. Over 100 people, they all wanted it their way.

Finally we set a date, told everyone we'd love to have them attend, but if they couldn't, we'd understand. A lot of people ended up not showing up, because they didn't get their way.

What with the stress of planning the wedding, getting everything set up, having family flying in from Germany, and family from hubby's side, we were both ready to say "screw it" and fly to Vegas to elope. No one was happy, and no one cared that it was a celebration of our love, the beginning of our lives together. They wanted what they wanted, and they expected to get it.

How do you please all those people? Simple answer, you don't.

The fact is, there's a date, there's time to find someone to look after the store. If they can't do that, if they're unwilling even to try, then they'll have to be content to miss their sons wedding.

The Bride and Groom shouldn't have the added stress of having to please everyone.

That's my opinion.

[Wondergirl]

Having said that, and knowing how busy the OP is with her business, I have only one question. Is there any time of the year that is good for the OP? Can they ever fit this wedding into their busy schedule?

Yes, they can. Somewhere in all the posts, I do remember she said that very thing. That's why both families (or at least the engaged couple and the groom's parents at first, and then include the others) should honestly talk about this.

You can't please everyone.

No, but right now there seems to be no effort by the engaged couple at all. I pleased both families by getting married in my future in-laws' area while my family was in town for my college graduation. I could never have been married in my home church 650 miles away because my future in-law parents/cousins/aunts/uncles could never have afforded to go to my home town (or even been able to make the effort to travel there -- many were aging and elderly). My sister married in our home church because she married a local boy, so both families were already in the area.

Those who try usually end up pulling out their hair. I remember all too well when I got married, the numerous people protesting the date we had chosen.

No one protested ours! I wanted to be married in October in beautiful New York State in my home town. Instead, I got married on a cool, rainy day in May. And since we were a poor preacher's family, all we could afford for a reception was open-faced sandwiches, cake, champagne punch, and coffee. There was no open bar, no live band, and no dancing. Oh, yeah. We had the reception in the gym attached to the church and parochial school. It wasn't a dream reception. All people invited to the wedding were also invited to the reception and seemed to have a good time. (I won't tell you about the horrible wedding dress I ended up wearing and the nasty shoes that hurt my feet so that every step was agony.)

there's time to find someone to look after the store

Again, it's the busiest time of year for their family business and they can't get away. What they know about and do with the business can't be easily taught. And for how long will these subs work? Trained so completely for many months to work for five days and then sent on their way? Why can't the bride try to accommodate at least five very important people in her intended's family (without being obliged to try to make all the other guests happy)?

[Alty]

Again, it's the busiest time of year for their family business and they can't get away. Why can't the bride accommodate at least five very important people in her intended's family (without being obliged to try to make all the other guests happy)?

And what if other important people are then left out because she accommodated her future inlaws?

From the OP's other posts they don't seem to think much of this girl anyway. Their poor son does all the cooking and cleaning (yes, that was sarcasm);

He is a very giving young man and works very hard full time at his job, plus is an excellent father, makes nearly all the meals at his house, does the laundry and more. This wedding date issue is only one of several concerns we have regarding our son's desire to give so much without speaking up.

To me this is part of being in a relationship. If he's a good father, well, good, he should be. If he cooks and cleans, good, it's no longer only a woman's job to do so. As for the laundry and more, great, this girl has this young man well trained.

It sounds to me like the date of the wedding is only a small issue with the OP. I may be wrong, but I think they want this date changed more to show that they can force her to do what they don't think their son has the guts to voice. It doesn't occur to them that maybe their son is happy with this girl, happy with the way his life is (as he should be, because he's not being treated unfairly) and happy with the sentimental date that they chose to say I do.

To me it sounds more like a power struggle then a struggle to close down shop for a few days.

Again, just my opinion. I've been wrong before, I may be wrong now, but the hostility in the post directed to me speaks volumes, as far as I'm concerned.

But, I'm just a "pet expert" according to the OP. What do I know about marriage, weddings, children? Oh wait, I've been married for 14 years, had a wedding and have children. I guess I do have an opinion after all.

[Wondergirl]

And what if other important people are then left out because she accommodated her future inlaws?

Like who? The Obamas have been invited? And compromise is the word of the day.

As for the laundry and more, great, this girl has this young man well trained.

Or the OP trained him well during all his years under her roof.

What do I know about marriage, weddings, children? Oh wait, I've been married for 14 years, had a wedding and have children.

I trump you with 42 years of marriage, wedding, children. (*kissies*)

[Alty]

The Obamas may well attend, we don't know. ;)

I'm talking about other important family members, Aunts, Uncles, her parents, her siblings. What if changing the date makes it impossible for them to attend?

We're only getting the OP's side, which of course is going to favor her.

As for the training, I was being sarcastic. A man shouldn't have to be trained to cook, clean and do laundry, any more then a woman is. It's a matter of being an equal to the woman he's marrying. That's a given, or it should be.

The fact that the OP brings it up shows that she thinks that the future wifeypoo should be doing all of this, and not the precious man that happens to be her son. I understand, I really do, my mother in law was raised in the "have dinner on the table when hubby gets home, barefoot and pregnant, obedient and submissive" era herself. The fact is, it's 2009, not 1812. Still, the OP brings it up as if it's a character flaw against her future daughter in law. How dare that girl make her precious boy do laundry?

Kissies right back. Having said that, it's not through age but through knowledge that wisdom is acquired. I've lived a life time in my 39 years on this earth. Check mate. ;)