My daughter who is 22 decided to get married at the courthouse (May 11) all of a sudden. She never told me or my family and I found out the next day when we went to take her out to dinner for her birthday that they had gotten married the day before at 10:00 in the morning. Now her grandparents knew, her aunt & uncle (on her dad's side)knew and her new mother-in-law were all in attendance. And I find out the very next day after they all went out and partied with their friends and started telling people all about it when they were originally not going to tell anyone because they supposedly did it for insurance purposes.

Once she dropped the bomb on me and told me, I was crushed to say the least. She even lied to her dad and everyone there and told them that I wanted nothing to do with it so I wouldn't go to the courthouse. Not true...When she finally called me and apologized for not telling me about it and for lying aout it to everyone, I felt a little better but not much. I was still so hurt and totally crushed! Having said that I said well, now what? Are you going to have a small reception with family and friends in June or July? She said, "Oh no, we still want a big wedding (next May) with all the traditional things that you have at a wedding." I was floored...I wanted to die. How tacky is that? To invite people a year later and wear the traditional white gown, have bridesmaids, etc., etc. Am I wrong in feeling this way? She didn't care enough about anyone else to let them in on her secret wedding but she's going to invite them at what will be their one year anniversary to have the big 'ol bash and bring them a gift. She barely talks to me now and can't understand why I'm not calling her to go and try on dresses and what not. I'm soooooooo confused, can someone give me their thoughts on this????

Fr_Chuck

For many who can not afford a big wedding, this is often done at a committment service on some aniversary ( I do alot of them)
In fact for those married outside the church, I even ask them to do a private one at the church to commit thierself under God.

But not for the show, for the committment to God of the marriage.

But this can not be a wedding, or a marriage, there is only one, they may call it what they want but it will only be a committment service officially.

But yes it does come over alittle tacky with it being a over the top wedding, and the white gown ( sorry girls I am a traditionalist)

Lacey5765

I understand your pain and your anger. I am maybe a little to close to this situation so I may not be the one to offer the best advice. I agree with you though. I wouldn't pay for the second wedding either. SHe is an adult and married now so what they chose to do they can pay for. I would say that "I will be happy to celebrate with you and your husband so let me know the date." Sorry I can't be more uplifting, I can only feel your pain. HOpefully others with more distance can be more helpful.

Lacey5765

As I said I have having some similiar growing pains with my 19 yo. No marriage yet at least. Had I known that these years were so tough I would have stopped them from growing up! ( if only we could) At some point your daughter and mine will learn there are reprecusions for all we do both good and bad and will have to deal with those. Were you aware of the relationship and how serious it was? Is he at least a good guy that will make her happy?

Tootruetooblue

I think that what she did in excluding you from the courthouse thing was pretty horrible.

That issue aside (though it's a big, honking issue!) there are many times when I've heard of people having a civil marriage and later having it blessed in church - a ceremony very similar to a wedding - so it's not really a terrible thing to do. So, if it's a matter that it's important to them to have the marriage blessed in a church and to have the blessing witnessed by their loved ones, I think it's a lovely thing to do - white dress and all.

However, the way you've described it makes it sound like they want a big bash and presents. I don't think that's the right motivation so would not contribute anything to it.

In my family, there was a civil wedding because the groom was leaving the country for 8 months and could not get out of it. They were together for several weeks after the marriage and she got pregnant (planned). On his return, they had a ceremony to bless the marriage in the Catholic church - maternity wedding gown, reception and all.

They did not call it a wedding - they called it a "blessing" on the marriage. For the staunch Catholics in attendance, getting the terminology right made a big difference.

Some people wear wedding gowns for renewal of their vows, so I don't really think there's anything wrong with it.

Emland

I'm with you michiganmom, I think you daughter has dropped off the deep end. However, I have heard of couples doing the double wedding thing lately. Or rather, they talk about the big second wedding which doesn't end up happening. I think mostly because once the newness of the wedding wears off and the huge cost of putting on a wedding and reception suddenly ends up not being so important.

yasababy510

Hi. I read your question and really I think that your hurt more over the fact you weren't invited or told about it till the day after...... As far as it being tacky I disagree, I am engaged to be wed in August of this year and we decided the date to be on my sister's birthday {my best friend} but we decided to have a courthouse wedding for now because we are extremely LOW INCOME!! We plan to have a church wedding with all the beautiful things a wedding "should" have later when we can afford it... I don't know why your daughter chose to do it the way she did but I hope you'll be right there for her "BIG" one!!
God Bless and Good Luck!!

shygrneyzs

I think the one year after ceremony is a sweet idea, but to call it a wedding? With the whole nine yards attached? No thanks. If that were my cousin or best friend, even then I would not consider it a wedding. A blessing ceremony or a committment service, yes. That has more honor to it. Even to have a reception now makes sense - one can have the blow out affair with the gifts there.

Here is hoping your husband will NOT indulge his adult daughter on her anniversary with the huge ceremony and all that goes with that. Did your daughter tell the others in the family that she lied about you? I sincerely hope that this next year will lend some maturity to her.

surfincali03

i know this is an old post but i just stumbled upon it looking for similar topics.
my now husband and i did the same thing as your daughter. however we included everyone. which on that i can sympathize with you! thats terrible she didnt tell you.
anyways, we got married at the courthouse just recently. in fact 2 weeks ago today. we only had our parents there his mom and my dad being our witnesses and his dad my mom and step dad in attendance. it was a 15 mins ceremony to be legally married. reason being we have no money for the formal sha-bang! the average wedding now a days costs approx 20,000. thats AVERAGE!!! in fact my husbands brother is getting married in december with the whole formal white dress follows at a winery and all wedding and i was told theyve spent about 15,000. they of course have had help from both sides of the family when times were easier on people. in the economy we're in today its just not practical. with my husband and i we did want to wait 3-5 years before we could get married cuz it would take that long to save! trust me. we've been engaged a year already before we decided on the courthouse wedding.
now granted im sure circumstances on your daughter can be alot different. im sure you as the mother would've been willing to help her pay for the formal wedding, or not none of our business. see with us, with his lil brother getting married and my family not having much more than an extra dime here and there we have no assistance. his family is strapped from helping with the brothers wedding and now with times being hard the bread winner of his family isnt bringing as much in.
i know this is all just babble but i guess what im trying to do is somewhat justify why some people do exactly what your daughter did.
we plan on eventually, in the next 3 years having the formal ceremony. and like others have said it wouldnt be called a "wedding". we are husband and wife already. what this would be is a commitment ceremony or us re newing our vows with EVERYONE there. his parents neighbors did the same thing. they got legally married at the court to collect more on taxes to help them pay for their formal/religious ceremony.
every girl wants their big day. with the white dress and music and family pictures and flowers. trust me it kills me inside cuz i cant have that now. but it means the world to me more than anything to be married to the person i love the most! to my soul mate. to share his last name and to be starting our own family (trust me babies are a long ways away haha) but to be husband and wife is an amazing gift in itself. we live in a cruel world were money is an object no matter what anyone says.
my advice coming from a girl of similar age to your daughter is be there for her. she did make a mistake and lying is horrible. but as a mother be there for her unconditionally. love her she needs you. i dont know what i'd do without my mom.

Starbucks21

Actually i'm doing this because there isn't a way for my parents to come and this is the way they can be there. I find it respectful of the family quite frankly. I'm also in the military so right now a big wedding is out of the question because i don't have guaranteed leave and my parents love the idea after i get out.

While i don't find the idea tacky, I find the secret wedding tacky. I think it's alittle offensive to go off and say "hey mom i got married without you ever having a clue and yea i didn't just go out on a date with henry like i said"

But with the economy bye bye big formal dream wedding. If you want to get married