My best... well, seems more like good now, friend is getting married in a year. She is 19, her boyfriend is 18. They will be 20 and 19 at the time they marry. They have been dating for many years. I completely support their decision to marry, just not when they will marry. Previously, they were not getting married until 2007. My friend was intent on getting the wedding date moved up to Dec. 2006. While I do love her and I told her I would help plan every detail of her wedding, I feel like I am being taken forgranted and I am actually quite bitter about the entire situation. They will both still have jobs that pay barely above minimum wage when they marry and still a few years of undergraduate school left each. They are currently building a house, but neither can get a loan or a credit card for that matter; his father took out the loan for them. They were shocked when they found out their house plan was over $300. I think that is quite cheap, considering their house payment alone will probably be more than that. Plus utilities, insurance, car payments, food, and general necessities! I have tried to hint around and ask her about it and she's just like, oh... we will just be poor for awhile. Yes, they will be... but, I just do not think she realizes how much it cost to live on your own. They will be lucky to bring in about $800 a month, unless they decide to switch their part-time jobs over to fulltime, but both will still be going to school (I hope they don't drop out!). And... since she wanted to move the wedding date to up to December 2006, their house won't be ready so they will have to live with his parents for at least 6 months (so not the ideal situation for newlyweds). I just do not understand why they are in such a rush, especially when I feel they have no concept of the reality of living without Mommy and Daddy. He has two older sisters who married young... but I don't think she realizes that it worked for them because the men they married had fulltime, steady careers! I know that his parents will probably just end up paying for most of their stuff as they don't like to see their children go without, but... that just does not seem right to me. Plus, her new wedding date falls in the middle of my finals next year and I also have major exit exams during that time. She wants my help so bad, yet... she asks nothing of what is good for me. I have told her it's her wedding, it's what she wants... but I have also told her that I do have finals then and it's going to be very stressful for me. I have hinted to her how much things are going to cost and she just kind of acts like she knows, when I know she doesn't. And... lately, I have been trying to help her and plan shopping dates and invitations and everything... and she just blows me off and tells me that she and her fiance have made plans to do this w/ his friends, w/ his family. She says, I love you, thanks for helping, I don't know what I would do without you... I'm afraid she is about to find out! I am just fed up with her and I want to talk to her, but I don't know what to say without hurting her feelings. I also cannot comprehend why she is in such a rush, with other people's money at that! Any advice would be appreciated!

Chery

Boy, it really sounds like you're going to have your plate full. The one thing that I can think of right now is you asking her to make a list of details that 'their' friends are contributing to this coming event, i.e. what they are going to provide, when and where, and make it sound like the reason you need to know is that you will not 'bump heads' with any of their plans as this would be a waste of your valuable time and/or money. Once you do get their details, and they conflict with what your 'obligations' will be, you can at least see if a trade in efforts and/or time can be made with them to help decrease the burden to you. After all, the event needs to be coordinated somehow to make it work, and it just might, if everyone works together in this. Don't worry about what they expect the parents to 'put up', as parents will do almost everything possible for their kids, and you should not get involved in that aspect. Just let them do what they want, it's no 'shirt off your back' and I'm sure they know what their limits are. I sure hope I've been of a little help to you with my ideas. Please keep us posted and use us as a sounding board any time. Maybe you can pre-plan some things so that your finals won't be threatened during this time. This is still all a year off, so don't push the panic button or throw in the towel yet, it might work. Just do your part as best as you can, don't worry about their future - that's their job, and as long as you feel good about your part, when it's done, relax and let them worry about the payments, as long as they are not your's. Take a little time to think about yourself, calm down, and Good Luck.

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fredg

Hi,
Your friend doesn't want your help. It's that simple.
I don't know the reason, but she and her "husband to be" want to handle this themselves. It could be that she doesn't want to hear the truth, about all the problems they are going to have now, and in the near future.
The best thing you can do is to just stay out of it, and be there for her, if she wants you to do anything.
You don't have to tell her anything. Just stay away, and don't try to help; unless asked.
I don't think you will lose her as a good friend, but for now, let her and her family, etc, make all the plans, and make their own mistakes. You are not responsible for her future, or her wedding. You have your own life, and your exams are important. It could be that she is completely "overwhelmed" by all this, and it will take some time for her to realize what's going on.