This seems like a silly question but I've been struggling with my (insane!) future in-laws for a while now. I'm getting married in July to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but his parents have gone completely bonkers over the wedding. They are of a different faith than I, and insist upon doing the whole wedding "their way", without any compromises whatsoever to my religious views because that would ruin the sanctity of their traditions. Whenever I suggest any modifications, they tell me that they are hurt that I don't appreciate their religion and culture and traditions.

How to deal with crazy in-laws is fodder for an entire forum, I know, but I think we've reached an agreement where they have their ideal wedding on Saturday, and my fiance and I have our ideal wedding on Sunday. The problem now is: what date goes onto the marriage certificate? I'm willing to go through a wedding ceremony that I don't believe in to appease my future in-laws, but I don't want that to be my actual wedding date!

Please help!

NeedKarma

I've never heard of 2 weddings/wedding dates before. The closest I've seen is the resort wedding during a vacation on one date (family only) and reception back home at a different date. As for the dates, surely both weddings can't be the 'official' where you are both signing documents?

I must say that the future with your in-laws does not bode well. I hope you are not living near them.

DJ 'H'

Hey, I am a Wedding Co-ordinator full time. I hve a suggestion which will work well for what you both need.

Have the wedding on the Saturday done the way your in laws want to do it.

On the Saturday have the wedding the way your in laws to be want it, and then on the Sunday just have a ceremony (not an actual wedding where a register needs to be signed) but an exchange of vows infront of your friends & family (you could in fact right your own vows) - if you are a christian/Catholic then you could do this and have a vicar (appropriate to each religion)conduct a blessing. Then you can go on to enjoy your reception drinks, wedding breakfast, evening buffet, band/disco - whatever you decide to have afterwards. So it would be exactly the same as wedding, but without having to sign the register twice, because I am not sure you can do that. It would almost be like those who renew their wedding vows after so many years of being married.

sfgirl

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately this is the kink in the solution that we anticipate them coming up with, namely they want "their" ceremony to be the legitimate one, if we end up having two. My fiance was raised in that faith and was always envisioning himself married in that way as well, until this began and his parents became so unreasonable about having it exactly the way they want it. Now we are both leaning towards a "fusion" ceremony but they won't accept it, and if they do, they want their officiant and date on the marriage license.

You're right, NeedKarma, this goes beyond wedding planning. I am really anxious about spending the rest of my life with these in-laws! But after all this drama, I'm also getting really tired and just want the whole thing to be over with....

DJ 'H'

Well I suggest you keep the in laws sweet and have you legimate wedding your in laws way - and perhaps do somehting along the lines of what I have suggested in my other post. The only thing you will have to watch out for is a budget. These things can be quite costly. One wedding is bad enough, but two. Needless to say however it is possible and can be done on a budget and still be wonderful.

If you need any help or assistance, I am online most days and will be happy to help.

fredg

Hi, SFgirl,
You have some other good answers, trying to please all concerned.
But, this is only the start with your in-laws!!
Since you are of different faiths, I hope you and your husband have already fully discussed what you two will do and believe.
Another answer said something about living far away from your in-laws; I second that completely!
If they cannot agree on your wedding, just think about how many things will come up in the future. It is a good time, if not already, for you and your future husband to discuss, together alone, what your marriage will be, and will NOT be.
In-laws can be bad enough, but when thrown in with different religious beliefs, can be something else. I do wish you and he the best, and good luck.
I like the suggestion of using the "official" date as the first wedding, then having the second on as "just a ceremony". In that way, there will be no confusion as to the date on the Marriage Certificate. Be sure that whoever performs the second ceremony is well aware of Everything, so he/she will not sign another certificate or whatever.

CaptainForest

You didn't mention who is paying for this wedding (s).

If you are, then why not just do what you and your fiance want and tell your inlaws to go jump into the lake.

God knows my family has emplored that strategy for years.

sfgirl

well, both sides are. we were engaged last september, and because we are getting married in his hometown, his parents have been doing a lot of the legwork in terms of choosing the reception site, etc. etc.

our discussion about budget began with a 50/50 perspective, but they wanted to pay for all of their guests' accomodations, and throw a much more elaborate rehearsal dinner than we had money for (with live performers, tents, catering, etc), pay for all of the meals for our out-of-town guests, etc.

basically, it was a matter of feature creep, and now if we calculate TOTAL costs, its going to be about 65/35. the money from my parents is enough to cover about 90% of the actual wedding ceremony and reception, but not for everything else they've arranged for, such as upgraded vendors, accomodations, extra meals, limosines to transport all of the guests, etc. and everytime we mentioned budget and wanted to say no to all of these additional features, they would say that it was their money and we don't have any control over how they want to spend it.

at this point, we're going to spend A LOT of money in order to have the two ceremonies. my fiance and i will probably throw in 10k each just to make ends meet, since they chose and put down a deposit on a ceremony/reception site that is much more expensive than what we would've chosen on our own. but....what can you do, right? i guess we'll save up for the down payment on a house later...

NeedKarma

Wow, that's a scary quote; it is your wedding after all not theirs. That may be a good reason why people elope and have weddings on resort beaches. I feel for you, I really do. Just remind yourselves never to be that way with your own children.

CaptainForest

That is insane. 20K from you 2 plus your folks, and his?

And you don't have the money for a house? Save your 20K on the wedding and put it towards a house. You will see much better results from that.