[mattimeo_boyd]

I've been going out with this girl for about 5 months now, knowing she has cancer and her life isn't like it used to be a year ago. She says she loves me, but needs a break to find herself and get back to that girl she used to be. She says she isn't the girlfriend she knows she can be and it's not fair to me and that she isn't saying this because she wants to be someone else. She just has to work all the time to pay off medical bills and has to take hormone pill which really affects her mood and gives her many bad days. She say's she still wants me in her life, wants to still talk and see me, but needs some time to find herself. We talked over the phone and both started to cry even bringing up the topic of breaking up..

[KISS]

Having cancer is a full time job so to speak. Fighting it can be tiresome. The appointments are time consuming.

Instead of "breaking up" consider how you might "change" the relationship.

Instead of the dates out make them something like: I'll come over and cook for you or help you clean the house. Watch a movie and go home.

Try to make her energy expenditure small and the amount of time small. Respect "i'm tired" and you should go home requests or I'm not up to that today.

[asking]

I think you should give her more space--for a time.
But don't go away. Continue to be there if you have the strength.

It is hard being a burden to others and she doesn't want to weigh you down. But I would not go no contact in this case. If she needs you and you love her, it doesn't make sense to break up. But think about your own needs in this relationship so you can talk about things openly. It's your life too.

Maybe this just means giving her days when you two don't talk. Talk about this more. See what you both need.

[mattimeo_boyd]

The thing that doesn't make sense is that she says she needs space to get that foundation with her family and be able to be herself, but then still wants to talk and see me. Maybe it's because she's jumped from long-term relationships to another since high school..

[asking]

She can have two opposite feelings at once. She wants to see you but she feels like she has to be "on" and at her best with you and doesn't have the energy for that. (I'm just guessing; I can't know her mind.)

People don't always make sense. Be patient. This is a tough time for both of you.

How old are you two?

[mattimeo_boyd]

21 and 20. When we do hangout she I have physical contact, kiss etc?

[talaniman]

Back off, and give her some space, and find other things to do for yourself. By talking you can have a better idea of what she means by space, and how much she needs for herself. That can be talked about, and see if it works for you both. Don't take it as a personal rejection, I am sure its not, but you just need to make the right adjustments together is all.

[mattimeo_boyd]

She also says that she feels so guilty and no matter how many times I tell her it's okay because I understand what she's going through with the cancer (my little brothers had cancer) she still feels guilty

[amicon]

What makes her feel guilty?
Is she seeing a councilor to help her cope with her illness?

[mattimeo_boyd]

Guilty because she isn't the girlfriend she knows she can be and that I deserve. She's taking hormone pills and I know that affects her mood to try and reverse her condition. She has cancer in her aorta but the doctor's caught it at an early stage and are trying hormone pills for now.

[amicon]

I can only suggest that you give her space and continue to be there for her.

Her treatment is bound to make her feel moody.

It's a tough call,on both of you,and I think its best to take it one day at the time.

[mattimeo_boyd]

She also just feels disconnected from her life. She can't play soccer, which she used to play for her college, due to her illness. I can relate to that because sports is a get away - the field never changes no matter what. Also, she recently totaled her car and go a concussion, dislocated vertebrae, and broken ribs.

[amicon]

Well,that's even more on her plate-so be patient and let her set the pace.

[talaniman]

Her life has radically changed, and she sure has been through a lot and its no wonder her thinking has changed.

[mattimeo_boyd]

Well I'm going to see her tonight after my night class to come up with some sort of resolution, which I hope will take a lot of stress of the both of us.

[I wish]

If you really cared about her, then respect her wishes. Be there for her so that she can lean on you for strength.

Who knows what the future holds for the two of you, but once she gets herself back on her feet, both of you will have a clearer idea on how to move forward.

Do what you can when you see each other, but patience is the key. You can't force her to rush back into a relationship with you. Let her do it on her own time.

As for you, spend the time apart making yourself a better person. If you improve yourself, you will be in a better position to help her.

[mattimeo_boyd]

Yeah I was going to present her with various solutions, all involving time apart from each other and see what she has to say. Hopefully we'll be able to come to an agreement...

[talaniman]

I strongly advice against resolution, get clarity to what she wants instead. I think its much more important to understand than resolve, if you get my drift.

Quiet unwavering support for her position, will go further than anything else you can do.

[asking]

I strongly advice against resolution, get clarity to what she wants instead. I think its much more important to understand than resolve, if you get my drift.

Quiet unwavering support for her position, will go further than anything else you can do.

Excellent advice.
This isn't a "solve it and move on" kind of problem.

[mattimeo_boyd]

She now is working normal hours, instead of 6-2am and moved back in with her mom and brother, so I guess this is a start for her. I think having a regular routine and the support of her family is really going to help get her life back on track. Thanks for all the advice guys!