After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).
1) Be cool.
If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose... let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.
2. Leave them thinking.
As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.
3. Give.
It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go?? They wonder.
4. Survival Mode.
Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys... This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.
5. Silence is golden.
If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has... well, an incredible explanation.)
6. "How long do I go silent?"
Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.
7. When do I panic?
Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right... If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic... so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.
8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?
Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness... Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.
9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?
Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off... and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire... write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)... you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).
10. So, what is the goal of all this work?
The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!
Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity?? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.
(If any of this ends up being useful for you let me know... )
You now have the advantage! ;)
It's been a while since I have been on here. But I have done some field research I wanted to share for those who are hurting over a lost love.
First off I would start with my Break-up Guide. It is a practical step-by-step for what to do after a break-up. And it gives you a framework for saving yourself, your ex and your sanity, as you make sense of it all.
Break-UP Guide:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html
Next, follow these steps. Remember it's not about manipulating them so much as it is about restoring YOU.
1.) Say all you have to say the day of the break.
Then:
2.) No texting
3.) No calling
4.) No emailing
5.) No writing
6) No IM'ing
7.) No "accidental" run-ins
8.) No drop-bys
9.) No contacting friends or family of your ex
10.) Go silent
11.) Write down what you are feeling and keep it in a journal, or send it to a friend who will not share it, but bury it, or send it to yourself.
Watch funny movies. Go to the gym. Block their IM/email. You need to make your head ex-free.
12.) Note, if you break down and violate 1-11 then start from scratch again. But silence is key.
13.) If your ex left you for another, or is exploring another "possibility" the sight or sound of you does not make them want the other less.
Your absence does. Especially if it's a respectful absence.
14.) OK, here's the controversial part. You can break the silence if you wish one time. But if you really were silent after the break 100% they should contact you first. But if you have to try once -After 3 months, send the most casual message you can. No agenda.
"(A short FYI about the weather or an activity)...and.....Hope you are doing well." Just something helpful to them...
15.) Whatever they say in response, just casually agree: Yes, no problem... Super... You bet. And go silent again.
16.) If they wish to talk more they will. If not, leave it.
17.) No more work required. That's it.
Make them work. If they do not. Ignore. I once did not talk to a girl for a year. She came back with calls and emails. I was seeing someone else. Sometimes if they come back you will realize it was never right anyway. And you will have the clarity.
18.) if you know deep down that the girl (or guy) is a b----, then going silent gives your brain time to process this and move on. B---y people thrive on negative power, and can make you want to be negative. Don't do it. They have to rise to your level.
19.) If your ex comes back, calls, emails, etc. WAIT. THINK. Do you REALLY want them back. Life is short. Our egos make us want what we can't have, but our brains will punish us in the end by being turned off and you will be faking it! Ewww.
20.) If you DO want them back... WAIT. When you respond be honest.
Don't put pressure on them, but indicate you do not want to repeat the past... Go slow. Discuss these things in a casual way if your first meeting goes OK.
21.) If you leave fast when someone breaks up it's the best way to get them to say more and have time to think about what they want to say. If you pressure them they will never have time to miss you or think about the good times. If you wish to bring up something helpful - there's a concert coming, or a sale on shoes I saw, just give it unconditionally as you can. Most relationships break for a reason and are not meant to be. But we fight for them rather than moving on. So, if you go back, make sure it's because you are really addressing what was WRONG to you or to them.
22.) The right person for you, makes your life better and you make their life better. If not, you are both fooling yourself and living unhealthy lives.
Cheers and keep your heart and mind healthy and watch out for spending too much time on damaged people. They can run out your valuable time focusing on themselves too much. Remember this: IF they did things you did not like with you, the odds are they will do it with someone else! :cool: