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i want something to be wrong with me. i like being damaged. i want to have a mental illness or for something bad to happen to me. its exciting to me. i feel that i have problems now but i want more. i want to feel more pain and cry more. not physical pain but emotional. i want to feel like the worst person on earth. i want self destruction. whats wrong with me?!?!?! i think i might just want attention but i always push people away.
no, i havent been to see a therapist. i guess im to afraid of what people will think. i just want to keep my feelings to myself. i dont want them to know me. i think writting in my journal is helping. i dont feel as........... i dont know. i just feel different.
and
i think this is to much for me. i cant feel it anymore. i cant think without my hormones taking control of me. my life is sort of going in a different direction. i just feel like whatever. i dont know what i want anymore.
Simone, it seems that you have burned yourself out on all the negativity. Trying to discover the bottom of it didn't work. Save yourself any further unnecessary difficulties and drop the whole idea of exploring misery. If you are truly interested in figuring out how people work, you can pick it up again when you are a little older. Take care of yourself now. Get to a therapist!
Therapists keep your secrets as secrets. People will think that you are doing the right thing because you are smart enough to address your issues. You can keep it hidden from anyone you want while revealing yourself to a good counselor. Do it. You will be glad that you did.
I don't really understand this particular problem, but i understand people telling you the obvious, like they have been, certainly does NOT help. It's just what you expected to hear, and will clearly make no difference. But i think i kinda understand what you mean when you say you want problems, because occasionally i wish i had something proper to feel sorry for myself over, if you get me, haha. But what the solution is, i have no idea.
i think this is to much for me. i cant feel it anymore. i cant think without my hormones taking control of me. my life is sort of going in a different direction. i just feel like whatever. i dont know what i want anymore.
Simone;(I like that name!)
Would you please do something today that might seem strange to you but, it will help you.
Do something for someone else to improve their day. Tell someone what a good job they do, How nice they look, Thank you for just being there, anything you can think of to make one person other than yourself happy today. And watch them a little and see how it perks them up . Don't tell anyone that you did that today. It's your secret. If you like how it makes you feel, do another one tomorrow.Be honest with yourself. Just try that, please? SS
Hi Simone;
After talking to you I decided to get back into my meditation. I have never been terribly serious about it, I just do it enough to help me relax. Well, I got out my favorite one, because I like the music on the CD mostly but this women is at a monastery in Nova Scotia Canada and she tells the story about a belief or practise called tonglen. It started thousands of years ago by a man who felt like you do only he was older and a teacher. His needs to feel the difficulty of the world was based on his need to help others. He developed a way to help calm the atmosphere around himself and others when they are having a difficult time by takining on the difficulty himself. He wanted the difficulty and studied it so that he could know people better. He asked for difficult times. That is how he came to know people, make friends, really good deep long lasting relationships by knowing what difficulty and suffereing is. Pema Chodren tells you how to take on these difficulties. The reasoning is that if you are feeling miserable, you might as well take someone else's misery at the the same time. There is no use in both of you being miserable. So you take their misery study it within yourself and come to know this person as a friend in some cases. You are a little young to want to take on the misery of the world, but your heart is in the right place. You are not crazy or different than others and your thoughts are very deep for a teen. You must get a lot more meaning from life than your friends and maybe want to help them. Go to the library or a bookstore and get "meditation for difficult times" ,PEMA CHODREN "awakening compassion through the practice of tonglen". When she tells the story of tonglen, it could not be any closer to what you were trying to say. I wish I could give you my CD even though I treasure it. It would help you understand better what you are thinking. Your thoughts are perfectly normal for someone who would like to help the world, along with themselves. Hang in there, SS
i think im getting really close to having more problems and feeling like the worst person on earth. my summer was horrible and exciting. i got into a lot of trouble without even trying. i was actually trying to have fun and try something new and explore differernt things. i got what i wanted and its not like i thought it would be. im to cought up in feeling bad that i dont even think about going into my inner self and trying to find out why. im at a point where now i dont care anymore. i dont care about much of anything, nothing has value to me. whats the point of living? why am i here? i wouldnt want to kill myself because what if i dont like being dead? i cant change it after that. if i dont like it thats it, i cant go back. its like whatever.
i think im getting really close to having more problems and feeling like the worst person on earth. my summer was horrible and exciting. i got into a lot of trouble without even trying. i was actually trying to have fun and try something new and explore differernt things. i got what i wanted and its not like i thought it would be. im to cought up in feeling bad that i dont even think about going into my inner self and trying to find out why. im at a point where now i dont care anymore. i dont care about much of anything, nothing has value to me. whats the point of living? why am i here? i wouldnt want to kill myself because what if i dont like being dead? i cant change it after that. if i dont like it thats it, i cant go back. its like whatever.
Simone, you need to see a therapist now. This is the time to stop torturing yourself and get professional support and advice from someone near you who can see you and interact with you face-to-face. You had some "fun" with this experiment and got what you wanted: feeling miserable. But you found that you went too far and didn't like it. Now, you need local help digging yourself out of this negativity; judging from how overwhelmed you got earlier, you don't have the tools yet to do it yourself.
So, get to a therapist! Don't worry about your Mom not understanding;she doesn't have to, at least not now. Don't let anything stop you from seeing a good therapist.
Summer's almost over. School starts soon.Take what you learned while playing with psychology over the summer and put it to use for your development and the improvement of your relationships.
Simone;
I agree with tao. Do what's best for yourself now and quit messing around playing games with yourself. This is serious. My husband and several friends of mine have all committed suicide. The people you leave behind aren't happy about it either. It effects every one.Do what is right for yourself before it gets out of hand. I am waiting to hear you went and felt good about talking to someone face to face.
Shady
i really think i should she a theripist now. i have to much stuff going on with me now not to. i cant handle all of the this by myself. i have nothing to loose going to therapy so why not. im going to try to tell my mom before this wenesday.
SS
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