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i feel hopeless, my kids have virtually pushed my partner out of their lives and mine. now i have to sneak around to see her. what should i do? should i stop seeing this person that i love, just because my teenagers have told me so?
i am very confused.............
yoyokerk
Your gonna hate this but absolutely! Your teenagers (i'm assuming their your offspring) must have complete say-so. They where there first, they get seniority. Just because you think you love this girl doesnt mean you honestly do. Your teenagers are there for you and always will be. They may be rebellious at time but they do love you. And they, even though inexperienced have a acute ability of knowing things you don't. Why dont they like her? Have you even asked them? I believe you should. Im sorry if I am making my self sound irrational. But I faced this problem as a child and I hated my Step-Dad. It led to an all out war in my family, and ended in My Mother having a second divorce. Please Talk to your Teens. They are really good at ruining your life if you do so to them.
The advice you received so far is very rational and you really should sit down with your teens and talk with them.
Some of the questions you could ask are:
What type of person would they be content with as an appropriate partner for you?
What qualities would they expect from a new partner?
Are they ready to have a new person in their lives, or are they totally against you seeing anyone - then that would be a little selfish, but you could use their help.
Be open with your children and tell them that you have needs also, and they will understand this when they get to the stage in their lives when they are interested in the opposite sex.
If you are strict, then you should expect strictness from them now too, so maybe you can come up with a compromise together as far as dating goes.
I hope that you will be able to communicate and work this out to everyone's satisfaction. Tell your kids they are very important in your life and that nobody will ever replace them or their Mom, but life must go on and it's no fun being lonely and you'll need their help.
Good Luck, and please keep us posted.
If you are really serious about the woman, you should also have a talk with her and eventually get them all together to air out their differences - maybe you'll get lucky and find them all communicative because keeping her a secret will not work for long - only create stress.
Yes, be open with your children and talk to them. But I have to disagree. Just because they dont like your partner doesnt mean that you dont love her. That is ridiculous. Where is their mother? Like MOST kids, when a single parent finds a partner, the children get a feeling that this person is supposed to "replace" the other parent. That is where the problem is. You need to explain this to them because as long as they feel this way, they will NEVER approve of ANYONE!!! I mean, who can replace MOM??? There isnt ANYONE on this Earth that could ever do that.
You need to be honest with them. Expain to them your stand point, your intentions, and the fact that your new partner isnt here to replace thier mother. They ARE teenagers. Im sure they are a bit confused.... Im sure they think ALL KINDS of other things are okay that you KNOW to be otherwise.... why is this any different?
Sure it sucks that they didnt take to her right away but hopefully over time, they will see the side of her that YOU see... they need to realize that this person makes THEIR DAD HAPPY. Once they mature enough to realize that, they will accept her
Thank you all so much for your replies. I have taken some advice from some of you and talked more with one of my daughters so far. she is the oldest. she has spelled it out to me clearly that she wants me to date, she told me that neither her or her sister have no problem at all with it. Just that it must be with a man and not a women no ifs ands or buts. So I am frustrated, do I just go back in the closet and end my relationship? or do I do keep seeing my partner behind their back?
Hi,
Since you have clarified about your "partner", it is going to be very, very difficult in convincing your children.
Just look at the history of the same-sex relationships in the United States; in regards to how others feel about them! Most all very, very negative.
My guess is that your children are NOT going to accept this. The only way you have is "behind their back".
woah woah woah woah.... I see why you chose the words you did. You may have wanted to clairfy this when you first ask for advice.
However, most of what I said still stands. They do not have a say in who you love. They may not accept it.... thats just too bad. If your partner has lived this lifestyle for some time, she should be used to it, I would assume.
You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. Do you have a say in who THEY date? What if you dont approve of one of their dates? Will they willing give him/her up?
I admit, if this were my mother, I would find it difficult to accept but I wouldnt want to stand in the way of her happiness either.
Whatever your choice in partners, it's your life and you will be lonely if you let your kids rule it. They will eventually grow up and leave the house, and should accept your choice, as long as you are happy.
Your happiness should mean something to them, you gave so much of yourself and they can show appreciation and love by supporting you.
No matter what your choice, wish you lots of luck and many stressless years!
Many famous people world-wide are living an alternative lifestyle and are happy - you have that right also.
I would totally disagree with going your teens way. You've raised your children (and im assuming that youve raised them well). Now since you love them so much, they should love you in return. Your teen children will be with you only for a few more years.. whereas this lover of yours might be the one, and therefore be with you for your whole life.
If your children really love you, then they will want to see you happy. Since you've given them so much of your life, dont you think its time that they at least allow you to love someone you want to love. If they know that that girl makes you happy, and they dont like her and want you to quit your relationship with her.. then it means that they are quite selfish and dont care about you enough. (watch the OC, season 3, when seths Girlfriend dislikes her dad's new girlfriend, but still acts that she likes her since her dad's new GF makes him happy).
Personally, if my parents were to divorce, obviously I would feel really sad, but I would in no way ever ever ever keep them from their decisions since I only want what makes them happy. For example if my parents did divorce, and my mom was dating a guy that made her really happy (and she really liked) but of whom I thought was a complete doushebag.. I would never infere.. cuz again I would see that the doushebag guy made my mom happy.. so thats all that matters. I'm a teen, im only gonna stay with my parents for a few more years, so I might as well think about them before I think about myself.......... ur teen kids should realise this.
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